Driving Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Driving Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Driving Jokes


Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldnโ€™t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldnโ€™t let me past.

There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.

I was getting so wound up and frustrated. โ€œItโ€™s people like you that cause accidents!โ€ I shouted.

Eventually, I just couldnโ€™t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.

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I love my motorcycle, itโ€™s great for getting to the front of queues quicker.

It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

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Chuck Norris can switch his motorcycle to four-wheel drive.

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We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out โ€œHey, you clipped us!โ€

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Iโ€™m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

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Did you hear about the clown car that crashed in the middle of nowhere?

There were 30 casualties.

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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, โ€œThank goodness youโ€™re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!โ€

She replied, โ€œA lunatic? There were hundreds of them!โ€

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€ asked the bee.

โ€œIโ€™m out of petrol,โ€ the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

โ€œTry it now,โ€ said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

โ€œWow!โ€ the man exclaimed. โ€œWhat did you put in my petrol tank?โ€

โ€œBP,โ€ answered the bee.

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An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and canโ€™t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.

โ€œHey man, having car trouble?โ€ the driver asks.

โ€œIโ€™m afraid so,โ€ the driver of the Fiat answers.

โ€œTell you what, my car is strong enough, Iโ€™ll tow you to the nearest garage,โ€ย says the BMW driver.

The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.

As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, โ€œThis is an old car, so please drive carefully.โ€

The BMW driver nods his head, โ€œJust honk if Iโ€™m going too fast.โ€ With that, he gets in and they drive away.

They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesnโ€™t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.

As they race down the road, they pass a farm.

The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter with you? You look like youโ€™ve seen a ghost,โ€ his wife says.

The farmer replies, โ€œI just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.โ€

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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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A white man comes across a Native American who is lying on the ground with his ear pressed against the ground between two tire tracks.

โ€œWhatโ€™s going on?โ€ the white man asks.

โ€œWhite Chevy Tahoe. Four doors. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,โ€ replies the Native American.

โ€œWow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?โ€

โ€œNo, you idiot! Thatโ€™s what the asshole who hit me was driving.โ€

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Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.

โ€œWhen I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,โ€ says the Texas farmer.

The old farmer from Kentucky said, โ€œYeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. Theyโ€™ll get ya all the way ta town and back!โ€

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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.

The purchasing agent says, โ€œWe need to buy a new tire.โ€

The mechanical engineer says, โ€œNo, I think I can fix this one.โ€

And the software engineer says, โ€œLetโ€™s drive on it for a while, maybe itโ€™ll fix itself.โ€

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How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?

He has a red sticker on his bumper that says โ€œIf this sticker is blue, you are driving too fastโ€.

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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didnโ€™t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ€

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

โ€œSir,โ€ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โ€œPlease slow down, thereโ€™s a road crew up ahead.โ€

โ€œOkay,โ€ the driver whispers back, โ€œIโ€™ll try not to wake them.โ€

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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load

of fertilizer.

Alex โ€” a little boy of nine โ€” was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™ve you got in your trailer?โ€

โ€œManure,โ€ farmer Smith replied.

โ€œWhat are you going to do with it?โ€ asked Alex.

โ€œPut it on my pumpkins,โ€ answered the farmer.

Alex replied, โ€œYou ought to

come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ€

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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

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Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?

Because heโ€™s a bad parallel Parker.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

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Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

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Your mama so short you can see her feet on her driverโ€™s license.

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Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?

A human driver.

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHard Drive!โ€

โ€œHard Drive, who?โ€

โ€œI had a hard drive, let me in so I can relax.โ€

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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.

It was a hard drive to the office anyway!

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I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldโ€™s drive-through sign she drove through the building.

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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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Friend 1: โ€œI think my momโ€™s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.โ€

Friend 2: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Friend 1: โ€œSheโ€™s learning to drive a bulldozer.โ€

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I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโ€™s back and says:

โ€œCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโ€™re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโ€™re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโ€™t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ€

The wife stares at her husband:

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with you?! You think I canโ€™t fry a few eggs?!โ€

The husband answers calmly:

โ€œI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโ€™m driving.โ€

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โ€œDo you mind if I put some music on?โ€

I said, โ€œNot at all.โ€

He said, โ€œโ€˜Kiss?โ€™โ€

I said, โ€œLetโ€™s listen to the music first and see how we feelโ€

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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Yo momma so dumb when yโ€™all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said โ€œDisneyland leftโ€ so she went home.

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