Enjoy our team's carefully selected Driving Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldnโt get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldnโt let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. โItโs people like you that cause accidents!โ I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldnโt take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.
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I love my motorcycle, itโs great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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Chuck Norris can switch his motorcycle to four-wheel drive.
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We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.
We sped up alongside of him and yelled out โHey, you clipped us!โ
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Iโm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
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Did you hear about the clown car that crashed in the middle of nowhere?
There were 30 casualties.
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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, โThank goodness youโre home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!โ
She replied, โA lunatic? There were hundreds of them!โ
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
โWhat seems to be the problem?โ asked the bee.
โIโm out of petrol,โ the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
โTry it now,โ said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
โWow!โ the man exclaimed. โWhat did you put in my petrol tank?โ
โBP,โ answered the bee.
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An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and canโt call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
โHey man, having car trouble?โ the driver asks.
โIโm afraid so,โ the driver of the Fiat answers.
โTell you what, my car is strong enough, Iโll tow you to the nearest garage,โย says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, โThis is an old car, so please drive carefully.โ
The BMW driver nods his head, โJust honk if Iโm going too fast.โ With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesnโt like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
โWhatโs the matter with you? You look like youโve seen a ghost,โ his wife says.
The farmer replies, โI just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.โ
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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
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A white man comes across a Native American who is lying on the ground with his ear pressed against the ground between two tire tracks.
โWhatโs going on?โ the white man asks.
โWhite Chevy Tahoe. Four doors. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,โ replies the Native American.
โWow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?โ
โNo, you idiot! Thatโs what the asshole who hit me was driving.โ
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Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
โWhen I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,โ says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, โYeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. Theyโll get ya all the way ta town and back!โ
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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, โWe need to buy a new tire.โ
The mechanical engineer says, โNo, I think I can fix this one.โ
And the software engineer says, โLetโs drive on it for a while, maybe itโll fix itself.โ
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How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper that says โIf this sticker is blue, you are driving too fastโ.
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didnโt want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, โWhy donโt you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
โSir,โ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โPlease slow down, thereโs a road crew up ahead.โ
โOkay,โ the driver whispers back, โIโll try not to wake them.โ
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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer.
Alex โ a little boy of nine โ was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, โWhatโve you got in your trailer?โ
โManure,โ farmer Smith replied.
โWhat are you going to do with it?โ asked Alex.
โPut it on my pumpkins,โ answered the farmer.
Alex replied, โYou ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ
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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
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Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because heโs a bad parallel Parker.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverโa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โSure.โ
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ
โImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, โIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โYouโre on.โ
โYou are an auditor,โ said the shepherd without hesitation.
โThatโs correct,โ said the young man, impressed. โHowever did you guess?โ
โIt wasnโt a guess,โ replied the shepherd. โYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ
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Youโre so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
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Your mama so short you can see her feet on her driverโs license.
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Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?
A human driver.
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โHard Drive!โ
โHard Drive, who?โ
โI had a hard drive, let me in so I can relax.โ
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldโs drive-through sign she drove through the building.
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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โThereโs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ
The husband thinks for a second and says, โHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ
The wife replies, โWell what about the smell?โ
The husband says, โItโll be alright, just hold its nose.โ
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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Friend 1: โI think my momโs getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.โ
Friend 2: โHow do you know?โ
Friend 1: โSheโs learning to drive a bulldozer.โ
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I canโt wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโs back and says:
โCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ
The wife stares at her husband:
โWhatโs wrong with you?! You think I canโt fry a few eggs?!โ
The husband answers calmly:
โI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโm driving.โ
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his fatherโwho was a ministerโif they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, โIโll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, โSon, Iโm really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโt get hair cut!โ
The young man waited a moment and replied, โYou know Dad, Iโve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ
His father replied, โYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, โWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ
To which the statistics teacher responded, โWell, statistically speaking, youโre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying โThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโs too late!โ and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didnโt appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โYou think maybe we should have just said โBridge Outโ instead?โ
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โDo you mind if I put some music on?โ
I said, โNot at all.โ
He said, โโKiss?โโ
I said, โLetโs listen to the music first and see how we feelโ
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โIโm sorry, but I donโt think Iโm supposed to do that.โ
But the Pope persists, โPlease?โ
The driver finally lets up, โOh, alright, I canโt really say no to the Pope.โ
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: โChief, I have a problem.โ
Chief: โWhat sort of problem?โ
Cop: โWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโs someone really important.โ
Chief: โImportant like the mayor?โ
Cop: โNo, no, much more important than that.โ
Chief: โImportant like the governor?โ
Cop: โWay more important than that.โ
Chief: โLike the president?โ
Cop: โMuch more important.โ
Chief: โWhoโs more important than the president?โ
Cop: โI donโt know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ
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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
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Yo momma so dumb when yโall were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said โDisneyland leftโ so she went home.
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