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Drinking Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Drinking Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Drinking Jokes


Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alcoholic wakes up in prison.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcoholics donโ€™t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.โ€

The hamburger replies, โ€œPlease, beef frank.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Priest: Donโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to Hell.โ€ Alcoholic: โ€œOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€ Priest: โ€œShe too will go to Hell.โ€ Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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