Drinking Jokes



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Drinking Jokes


So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandmaโ€™s kitchen.

โ€œWell now, whereโ€™s my bucket, and whereโ€™s my water?โ€ grandma asked him.

โ€œI canโ€™t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,โ€ exclaimed Johnny. โ€œThereโ€™s a BIG olโ€™ alligator down there!โ€

โ€œNow donโ€™t you mind that olโ€™ alligator, Johnny. Heโ€™s been there for a few years now, and heโ€™s never hurt anyone. Why, heโ€™s probably as scared of you as you are of him!โ€

โ€œWell, grandma,โ€ replied Johnny, โ€œif heโ€™s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ainโ€™t fit to drink!โ€

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Little Johnnyโ€™s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

โ€œNow, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,โ€ said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

โ€œNow kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?โ€ he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, โ€œDrink whiskey and you wonโ€™t get worms!โ€

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Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.

Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.

Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.

Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.

Then he says, โ€œThatโ€™s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.โ€

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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, โ€œYour glass is empty. Fancy another one?โ€

โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€ I asked.

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What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?

A bad habit.

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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โ€œIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ€

Her husband didnโ€™t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโ€™s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โ€œWhat happened?โ€ asked the wife.

โ€œYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโ€™t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ€

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him Moody.

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A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.

When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home. The humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, โ€œWhat is that on your back?!โ€

The man replies, โ€œOh, thatโ€™s my hump.โ€

โ€œGive it to me!โ€ the gnome snarls, and he magically grabs the manโ€™s hump.

The next day, the man returns to the bar to tell his peg leg friend how he got magically cured of his hump.

โ€œNo more pain, I can walk straight! That gnome gave me my life back!โ€ he yelled.

That night, when the bar closes, the peg leg decides to try his luck too, and takes the route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, โ€œWhat is that on your back?!โ€

The man blinks and stutters, โ€œEh... I have nothing in my back, but...โ€

And the gnome snarls, โ€œHere, Iโ€™ve got a spare hump for you!โ€

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Whatโ€™s the difference between me and a camel?

A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.

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Bison Theory

A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

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Alcoholics donโ€™t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

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โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

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Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

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The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

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โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.โ€

The hamburger replies, โ€œPlease, beef frank.โ€

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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

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Priest: โ€œDonโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€

Priest: โ€œShe too will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ€

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

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Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

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