Doctor-Patient Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Doctor-Patient Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Doctor-Patient Jokes

A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”

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Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”

Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”

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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”

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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”

“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”

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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.

But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

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My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.

So I didn’t open his bills.

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Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.

The doctor asks, “When did this start?”

The patient replies, “Next Tuesday.”

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.

The patient has had major surgery on both of his hands.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

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What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?

“I just wish he was a little patient.”

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A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.

The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.

He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”

The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”

The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”

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A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.

“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.

“I didn’t,” said the doctor.

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.

“No, I did not,” the doctor said.

“So, in other words,” the lawyer said, “when you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”

“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor, “at that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”

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Doctor: “I’m sorry to say you’ve got lung cancer.”

Patient (tearing up): “Oh god, no!”

Doctor: “Sorry to say it because it’s not true, lol April Fool!”

Patient (angry): “What the hell?!”

Doctor: “Yeah, pranked you, the cancer’s in your pancreas.”

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Patient: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”

And the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

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Psychiatrist: “What brought you here?”

Patient: “My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.”

Psychiatrist: “There’s nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.”

Patient: “Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!”

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Patient: “Doctor, am I going to be alright?”

Doctor: “I’m not too sure, Mercury is in Uranus now.”

Patient: “But I don’t know much about astronomy and space.”

Doctor: “Neither do I, but I do know that my thermometer just snapped inside you.”

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Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”

Patient: “Will it make me better?”

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”

Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”

Doctor: “Keep cool.”

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A wife said her husband that they should spice up their love life.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

She said, “Let’s do a bit of role-playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient.”

“Alright...” the husband went with it, “How are you, doctor?”

“We have no appointments till November. Goodbye.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”

Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”

Patient: “Which one?”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

Doctor: “Why not?”

Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course.”

Patient: “Great! I never could before!”

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Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”

Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”

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Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

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