Doctor Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Doctor Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Doctor Jokes


Short Doctor Jokes



Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”

Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”

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The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”

He says, “Doctors orders.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”

“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”

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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”

His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”

“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”

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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

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A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.

He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”

The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”

“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.

The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.

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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

😄 😄 😄


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

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Man Goes to Doctor Jokes



A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”

When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”

And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

😄 😄 😄


Doctor Patient Jokes



Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”

Patient: “Will it make me better?”

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”

Doctor: “Keep cool.”

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An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!

“Oh really?” The doctor says.

“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”

“I see,” the doctor says.

“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”

“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.

It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.

She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”

After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”

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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.

“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”

“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.

“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”

Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”

Patient: “Which one?”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

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Me: “I’m not able to stop making jokes.”

Doctor: “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “That’s right.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

Doctor: “Why not?”

Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course.”

Patient: “Great! I never could before!”

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Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”

Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”

😄 😄 😄


Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

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Funny Doctor Jokes One-Liners



My doctor must be a very visual person.

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says “vitamins, see”.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

😄 😄 😄


I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.

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Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.

But he told me it was all in my head.

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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

😄 😄 😄


Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.

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Doctor Puns



Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy.

😄 😄 😄


What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?

Doctor Normal.

😄 😄 😄


Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?

He was a nervous wreck!

😄 😄 😄


Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?

Everybody.

😄 😄 😄


A grumpy man spent an evening with his friends at a comedy club and asked his doctor for a course on antibiotics. Guess what for?

He thought laughter was infectious.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the donut go to the dentist?

To get a filling.

😄 😄 😄


Doctor Jokes for Adults



One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.

“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

😄 😄 😄


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

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Long Clean Doctor Jokes



A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”

The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

😄 😄 😄


There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

“You go first!”

“No, you go first!”

😄 😄 😄


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

😄 😄 😄


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

😄 😄 😄


More Doctor Jokes



I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.

So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.

Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.

I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.

A woman turned to me and said, “Oh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?”.

I replied no, but that’s my pizza!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?

You don’t get a lollipop afterward.

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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”

😄 😄 😄


As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

😄 😄 😄


The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

😄 😄 😄


As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.

Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?

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Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

😄 😄 😄


Friend: “Where were you?”

Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”

Friend: “Flu?”

Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”

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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”

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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”

“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”

😄 😄 😄


My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.

But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

😄 😄 😄


What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?

“Where’s my watch?”

😄 😄 😄


The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.

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My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?

Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.

😄 😄 😄


I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

😄 😄 😄


A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that I was really sweet.

Well, her exact words were “severely diabetic”, but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

😄 😄 😄


A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.

The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”

😄 😄 😄


What do elves and registered nurses have in common?

They both do all the work and one guy in an oversized coat gets all the credit.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the witch go to the doctor?

She had a dizzy spell.

😄 😄 😄


My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.

So I didn’t open his bills.

😄 😄 😄


An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”

Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”

Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”

😄 😄 😄


A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”

“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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