Divorce Jokes

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Divorce Jokes

A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.

One day, he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Polish man: “Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?”

Polish man: “It’s made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Polish man: “No, we have a carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

Polish man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Polish man: “We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”

Polish man: “No, I always get up before her.”

Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”

Polish man: “She’s going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?” Polish man: “I’ve got proof.”

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Polish man: “She’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”

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Nobody wants to be alone.

A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...

I don’t like her chances.

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My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, “Number Two, make it so!”

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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”

Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”

Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”

Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”

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When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

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What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?


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A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.

It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.

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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.

“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.

“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.

“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

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