Diet Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Diet Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Diet Jokes

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret, β€œI put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

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Why did Uranus go on a diet?

Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!

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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.

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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

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Seven days with no food makes Juan week.

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

β€œThis is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”

β€œOh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. β€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?”

β€œWell, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”

β€œWill that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, β€œWell, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass.

Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

β€œOnly one calorie per can,” she read aloud.

β€œHmm,” murmured the other blonde. β€œI wonder which glass has the calorie?”

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What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A desserter.

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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.

You need to keep your mouth shut.

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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

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My girlfriend asked me if hot dogs were good for her diet.

I replied, β€œThey’re not the wurst.”

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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, β€œGod, how could you do this to me?”

And a voice from the heavens responded, β€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”

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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?

Eat donuts.

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Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

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Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

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