Depressed Jokes



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Depressed Jokes


An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, β€œI am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”

To which the call center employee replied, β€œRemain calm and stay on the line.”

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What do you call a depressed unicorn?

A blue-corn.

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What do you call a depressed blue crayon?

Blue-tiful.

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What code does a depressed programmer write?

β€œGoodbye, world!”

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Our bands bassist was always coming in late. He just couldn’t get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band.

He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

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I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

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What do you call two depressed bears?

Bipolar.

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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.

I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.

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Why are people from New York always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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Why are all mini golf players depressed?

They have no drive.

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Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andβ€”both of them having certain β€œneeds”—eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, β€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.”

He tells her, β€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.”

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, β€œBRO! BRO! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

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What did the taco say to the depressed donut?

Taco: β€œWant to taco bout it?”

Donut: β€œI donut know what to say.”

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I’m chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be solar-powered?

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