Death Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Death Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Death Jokes


The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.

โ€œI would like a blue budgie pleaseโ€ he said to the assistant.

โ€œI havenโ€™t got a blue one,โ€ the assistant replied. โ€œIโ€™ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.โ€

โ€œOK,โ€ said the man, โ€œthatโ€™ll do.โ€

The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.

โ€œLook at this,โ€ said the man. โ€œIt died while I was painting it.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s odd,โ€ said the assistant, โ€œIโ€™m sure that paint was safe.โ€

The man replies, โ€œI never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint offโ€ฆโ€

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Blue jeans are immortal.

They never die, they just fade away.

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Yo daddy is so dumb he tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

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What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?

When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.

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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still canโ€™t see the full picture.

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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

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What killed the painter?

He had too many strokes.

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An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art dealer: โ€œI have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.โ€

Painter: โ€œWow! Whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

Art dealer: โ€œHe was your doctor.โ€

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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.

Truth be told, Iโ€™m dying to find out if there is life after death.

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Three men are working on a building site.

Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

โ€œBy god,โ€ the man exclaims, โ€œI hate ham sandwiches. Iโ€™ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.โ€

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

โ€œHoly crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. Iโ€™m with you buddyโ€”if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

โ€œI donโ€™t believe itโ€”another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time Iโ€™ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldnโ€™t have to work on this sordid site no more! Iโ€™m sick of itโ€”count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man โ€“ a ham sandwich, the second โ€“ a cheese sandwich, the third โ€“ a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

โ€œIf only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like ham sandwiches,โ€ says the first manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being ironic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like cheese sandwiches,โ€ says the second manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being sarcastic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like tuna sandwiches,โ€ says the third manโ€™s wife, โ€œbut I donโ€™t know what good it would have doneโ€”the fool made his own lunch!โ€

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What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

โ€œIโ€™M BREADY TO DIE!โ€

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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:

1. Heart disease

2. Chuck Norris

3. Cancer

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What do you say at a robot funeral?

Rust in peace.

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An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor, and his real estate agent to his bedside.

โ€œHereโ€™s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.โ€

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, โ€œI had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.โ€

โ€œWell, since weโ€™re confiding in each other,โ€ said the doctor. โ€œI only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.โ€

The real estate agent was aghast, โ€œIโ€™m ashamed of both of you, I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.โ€

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My uncle was crushed by a piano.

His funeral was very low key.

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Did you hear that a man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him?

The official cause of death was โ€œExposure to the elementsโ€.

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Co-pilot: โ€œWhy did you become a pilot?โ€

Pilot: โ€œTo overcome my greatest fear.โ€

Co-pilot: โ€œHeights?โ€

Pilot: โ€œNo, dying alone.โ€

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From the death notice of a local newspaper:

After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

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Whatโ€™s suicide bombersโ€™ biggest fear?

Dying alone.

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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere!

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I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

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Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says, โ€œLook, the bear and I are both carnivores. Itโ€™s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?โ€

The moose says, โ€œYeah, I guess youโ€™re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but Iโ€™ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?โ€

The wolf says, โ€œOf course.โ€

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, โ€œI donโ€™t even know why the hell I looked. I canโ€™t even read.โ€

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Youโ€™re on your death bed and youโ€™re known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!

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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.

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A computer software developer asks God, โ€œWhere will I go after I die?โ€

God: โ€œOnto a DAT tape and into offline storage.โ€

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Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

โ€œThere must be some mistake,โ€ the lawyer argues. โ€œIโ€™m too young to die. Iโ€™m only 55.โ€

โ€œFifty-five?โ€ says Saint Peter. โ€œNo, according to our calculations, youโ€™re 82.โ€

โ€œHowโ€™d you get that?โ€ the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, โ€œWe added up your time sheets.โ€

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A stairway builder was retiring.

On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.

โ€œThis man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!โ€

The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, โ€œOh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...โ€

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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.

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My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: โ€œI said weโ€™ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.โ€

Me: โ€œI was in the Air Force.โ€

My Wife: โ€œOK, weโ€™ll toss you out of an airplane.โ€

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My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran, and he used to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death.

He shot the cook.

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Deathrowโ€™s last meal.

The officer asks the inmate what would be his last meal.

The inmate replies, โ€œI want mangoesโ€.

Officer says, โ€œIt is not mango season yet.โ€

Inmate says, โ€œI guess I would just have to wait.โ€

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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?

Because one might die of mercury poisoning.

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Itโ€™s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโ€™s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โ€œNo, they are for the funeral.โ€

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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruitโ€™s face and said, โ€œIโ€™ll bet youโ€™re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, arenโ€™t you?โ€

And the recruit says, โ€œNo, sir! When I get out of the army Iโ€™m never gonna stand in another line again!โ€

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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, โ€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโ€™s barrel racing there.โ€

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โ€œBarb, youโ€™ve been my best friend for many years. If itโ€™s at all possible, Iโ€™ll do this favor for you.โ€

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โ€œBarb, Barb.โ€

โ€œWho is it?โ€ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โ€œWho is it?โ€

โ€œBarb, itโ€™s me, Rose.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not Rose. Rose just died.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m telling you, itโ€™s me, Rose,โ€ insisted the voice.

โ€œRose! Where are you?โ€

โ€œIn Heaven,โ€ replied Rose. โ€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ€

โ€œTell me the good news first,โ€ said Barb.

โ€œThe good news,โ€ Rose said, โ€œis that thereโ€™s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโ€™re all young again. Better still, itโ€™s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fantastic,โ€ said Barb. โ€œItโ€™s beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re up here in the slack on Friday.โ€

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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.

At least death only happens once!

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Boss: โ€œDo you believe in life after death?โ€

Employee: โ€œNo, because there is no proof of it.โ€

Boss: โ€œWell there is now!โ€

Employee: โ€œHow?โ€

Boss: โ€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโ€™s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ€

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

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