Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dating Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Never go on a date with a cactus.
They’ll spike your drink.
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Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.
She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”
Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”
“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”
Wife: “Yes, of course.”
“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”
“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”
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Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
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What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
Social Security.
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I’m like the American Airlines of dating.
We understand you had other options of relationships and we’re sorry you chose me.
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She left the bar because after 45 minutes, the date finally arrived, and he was a gnome.
Too little, too late.
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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Crush: “Why should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”
Me: “...”
Crush: “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”
Me: “... meow?”
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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
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My crush told me, “Come over, no ones home.”
I went over... no one was home.
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I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer.
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I started dating this girl in high school just because we had the same class schedule.
What can I say? We had Chemistry together.
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A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.
Father: “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.”
The boy picks up his date, and they stare at each other for a long time.
The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks, “Do you like potato pancakes?”
“No,” comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
Boy: “Do you have a brother?”
Girl: “No.”
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”
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What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
You make me melt.
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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.
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Yo momma’s so ugly she makes a Gammorrean seem like an attractive date.
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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
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What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
“Nice to meat you.”
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Girlfriend: “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”
Boyfriend: “Yes, February 14th.”
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A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.
As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.
“What’s wrong?” the mushroom says. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
“I guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.
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All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”
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