Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cow Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My Ph.D. thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii.
To understand it all, I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.
But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cumin.”
“Cumin, who?”
“Can I cumin? It’s cold out here!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cow says.”
“Cow says, who?”
“No, owls say “who”, cows say “moo”!”
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Husband: “Hello, 911? Yes, there’s this Hindu fellow who’s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it’s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and he’s... praying, or something.”
911 operator: “Sir, calm down, there’s no issue here—Hindus are well known to worship cows.”
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?
She had her reputation at stake.
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What’s the difference between a cow and a moose?
One moos, the other moose.
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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, “What’s this?”
The kid says, “A picture of a cow eating grass.”
The teacher asks, “Where’s the grass?”
The kid says, “The cow ate it all.”
“Ok, then where’s the cow?”
“It left because there was no more grass.”
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
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How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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Girlfriend: “Excuse me, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”
Boyfriend: “And you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”
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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
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Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
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Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn’t make it.
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Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
The Milky Way!
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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