Funny Couple Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Couple Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Couple Jokes


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?

It felt like it was crashing and burning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the moon break up with Uranus?

It wanted someone with a brighter personality.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โ€œI hear you are 102!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the old man with a smile.

โ€œWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ€

โ€œThank you,โ€ said the old man humbly.

โ€œDo you mind if I ask...โ€

โ€œHow am I this healthy at my age?โ€ finished the old man. โ€œHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโ€™ll tell you.โ€

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

โ€œYou see,โ€ said the old man, โ€œIโ€™ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโ€™ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m in the great shape I am.โ€

โ€œBut if thatโ€™s the case,โ€ said the puzzled visitor, โ€œhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ smiled the old man, โ€œshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the dyslexic couple learn karate?

They tried to get some marital counselling but ended up with martial training.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

โ€œShe obviously has COVID,โ€ my wife said.

โ€œWhy?โ€ I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.

She says, โ€œHi, handsome, what do you do for a living?โ€

The man replies, โ€œI work for KGB.โ€

โ€œCool, tell me an interesting story!โ€

โ€œAbout me or about you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play โ€œDoctorโ€.

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: โ€œWhat do you do for a living?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m an archeologist,โ€ she answers.

The doctor responds: โ€œThen I guess this isnโ€™t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.

But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.

On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.

Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.

The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.

She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.

The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife asks, โ€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ€

Husband: โ€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didnโ€™t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her โ€œmy darlingโ€.

But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.ย 

At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.ย 

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, โ€œMy darling, I love you! Will you marry me?โ€ย 

And the lady said, โ€œPardon?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, โ€œThis is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. Iโ€™ll be your wife.โ€

The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.

Counselor: โ€œHoney, are you not happy in our marriage?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Counselor: โ€œIs it the relations?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, is it the way I treat you?โ€

Man: โ€œNope. Definitely canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, โ€œI donโ€™t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why donโ€™t you bring her with you?โ€

Man: โ€œNo, that wonโ€™t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, why is that?โ€

Man: โ€œTo you, I can complain!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โ€œIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ€

Her husband didnโ€™t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโ€™s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โ€œWhat happened?โ€ asked the wife.

โ€œYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโ€™t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.

She wasnโ€™t content. Iโ€™m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHow long has your unit been broken?โ€ says the specialist.

โ€œTwo weeks,โ€ says the customer.

โ€œWhy did you wait so long?โ€ says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.โ€

โ€œMy in-laws were here,โ€ said the customer. โ€œThey wanted to stay for a month.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I had to break up with my girlfriend, she doesnโ€™t like Star Trek.

I told her I need some space.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, โ€œNumber Two, make it so!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m like the American Airlines of dating.

We understand you had other options of relationships and weโ€™re sorry you chose me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I donโ€™t brush my teeth, I count them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriendโ€™s such a bad cook.

She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple, who are running their hands over each other passionately.

โ€œI donโ€™t know whether to watch them or the game,โ€ says the man.

โ€œWatch them!โ€ says his wife. โ€œYou already know how to play volleyball.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.

Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.

The programmer says, โ€œItโ€™s the best thing thatโ€™s ever happened to me. My wife thinks Iโ€™m with my mistress. My mistress thinks Iโ€™m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?

Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife bought me a Lego car set to build, and it said +3 years in the box.

I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Joker and Harley Quinn have a son.

The name is Joaquin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Her: โ€œWhenโ€™s your birthday?โ€

Me: โ€œJanuary first.โ€

Her: โ€œWhat year?โ€

Me: โ€œEvery year.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?

She was feeling Goofy at the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?

They tell you that they are seeing someone else.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Student: โ€œTeacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?โ€œ

Teacher: โ€œOf course. Why should that day be an exception?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My crush told me I smelled nice.

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions:

1. Would you go out with me?

2. Why not?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just told my crush that Iโ€™m in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother.

Iโ€™m just lucky she is from Alabama.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium.

Because she is always responding with โ€œKโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year.

Hers is in February and mine in July.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Crush: โ€œWhy should I trust you? All the guys Iโ€™ve been dating have been dogs.โ€

Me: โ€œ...โ€

Crush: โ€œWell? Arenโ€™t you going to say anything?โ€

Me: โ€œ... meow?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My crush told me, โ€œCome over, no ones home.โ€

I went over... no one was home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.

Now she is my mom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Talking to my crush is like talking to God.

They never respond.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My crush told me that Iโ€™m pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was โ€œYouโ€™re pretty annoyingโ€, but I focus only on the positive things.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.

I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.

With a really angry bear somewhere close by...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.

The French husband says to his wife, โ€œPass the honey, honey.โ€

The Italian man says to his wife, โ€œPass the sugar, sweety.โ€

The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, โ€œPass the bacon, you fat pig.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m the Devil!โ€ she responded.

โ€œWell, come on home with me,โ€ he said, โ€œI married your sister.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโ€™s lack of insulation.

โ€œIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ€ my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

โ€œFor the past 30 years,โ€ he muttered, โ€œtheyโ€™ve gone to Florida for the winter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s been raining for 3 days without stopping.

My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesnโ€™t stop tomorrow, Iโ€™ll have to let her in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesnโ€™t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: โ€œWhat are you waiting for?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œAutumn.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, โ€œAre you the owner?โ€

The Pharmacist answers, โ€œYes.โ€

Jacob: โ€œWeโ€™re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œOf course we do.โ€

Jacob: โ€œMedicine for rheumatism?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œDefinitely.โ€

Jacob: โ€œMedicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimerโ€™s?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œYes, a large variety. The works.โ€

Jacob: โ€œWhat about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsonโ€™s disease?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œAbsolutely.โ€

Jacob: โ€œEverything for heartburn and indigestion?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWe sure do.โ€

Jacob: โ€œYou sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œAll speeds and sizes.โ€

Jacob: โ€œIn that case, weโ€™d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of

feminine product for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl says confused, โ€œSir, I thought you were looking for some

feminine product for your wife?โ€

He answers, โ€œYou see, itโ€™s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโ€™s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, โ€œGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes dear, itโ€™s already dark out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What to give a man whoโ€™s got everything?

A woman. Sheโ€™ll tell him how everything works.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A golden rule of the wife:

There isnโ€™t a problem in the world that couldnโ€™t be created.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œExcuse me, could you please close that window? Itโ€™s terribly cold outside.โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œAnd you seriously think itโ€™s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

Itโ€™s my wifeโ€™s birthday and I thought, โ€œWhat the hell! Iโ€™ll treat her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโ€™s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โ€œNo, they are for the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iโ€™m on my PlayStation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, โ€œWhat gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentineโ€™s Day?โ€

โ€œWell, I donโ€™t knowโ€ she answers shyly.

โ€œOK, that I give you another year to think about it...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey Beautiful, Can I have your number?โ€

Girl: โ€œNo, I have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œBut Iโ€™m gay, can I have the number now?โ€

Girl: โ€œOh, okay! Hereโ€™s the number.โ€

Boy: โ€œThanks, Iโ€™m not really gay. Ha!โ€

Girl: โ€œThatโ€™s my boyfriendโ€™s number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boyfriend: โ€œDo you think my salary is sufficient for you?โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œItโ€™s sufficient for me but how will you survive?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girl: โ€œWhat if a boy hugs me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜donโ€™tโ€™.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat if he kisses me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜stopโ€™.โ€

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DONโ€™T STOP!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโ€™s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโ€™s 26.

So if youโ€™re single itโ€™s ok, maybe heโ€™s just not born yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Perfect Boyfriend:

ยท Does not drink.

ยท Does not smoke.

ยท Does not cheat.

ยท Does not exist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œDoes she have a boyfriend?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œYes, a cute, strong and clever one.โ€

Friend 1: โ€œWhatโ€™s the name?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œJohn, Michael and Bill.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, โ€œPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canโ€™t figure out how to get started.โ€

Her boyfriend asks, โ€œWhat is it supposed to be when itโ€™s finished?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œAccording to the picture on the box, itโ€™s a rooster.โ€

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, โ€œFirst of all, no matter what we do, weโ€™re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.โ€

He takes her hand and says, โ€œSecond, I want you to relax. Letโ€™s have a nice cup of tea, and then,โ€ he said with a deep sigh, โ€œletโ€™s put all the corn flakes back in the box.โ€™

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.

His mother had Puritan principles.

The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnโ€™t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonโ€™s choice.

โ€œMom, can I escort Helen?โ€

The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted โ€œnoโ€, she surprised hear.

โ€œSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.โ€

Girl: โ€œI have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œI have a math test tomorrow.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat does that have to do with anything?โ€

Boy: โ€œI thought we were listing things we could cheat on.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.

After pointing it out, the employee asked, โ€œIs there anything specific youโ€™re looking for?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the customer. โ€œMy boyfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œOur new neighbor always kisses his girlfriend when he leaves for work. Why donโ€™t you do that?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œHow can I? I donโ€™t even know her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDo you have a date for Valentineโ€™s Day?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes, February 14th.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boyfriend: โ€œI love you.โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œIs that you or the wine talking?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œItโ€™s me talking to the wine.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, โ€œI forgot my wallet.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โ€œI love you this much,โ€ as he stretched out his arms.

To which the girlfriend replied, โ€œThatโ€™s not very much at all!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โ€œIโ€™m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ€

His wife answers, โ€œYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ€

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โ€œHoney, are you sure you donโ€™t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ€

โ€œNo, no, Iโ€™m sure Iโ€™ll remember what you asked for.โ€

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, โ€œWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, โ€œThatโ€™s the fourth time youโ€™ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnโ€™t it embarrass you?โ€

โ€œWhy should it?โ€ answered her spouse. โ€œI keep telling them itโ€™s for you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โ€œHappy birthday!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesnโ€™t smell good.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

Sheโ€™s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโ€™s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โ€œCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ€

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโ€™t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a โ€œCAUTION โ€“ WET FLOORโ€ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโ€™d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โ€œWhy canโ€™t you people just leave me alone?โ€. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โ€œMission Impossibleโ€ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โ€œMadonna Lookโ€ using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โ€œPICK ME! PICK ME!โ€.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โ€œOH NO! ITโ€™S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ€.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โ€œHey! Thereโ€™s no toilet paper in hereโ€. One of the clerks passed out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on the phone with my wife and said, โ€œIโ€™m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ€

After a twenty-second pause, I asked, โ€œYou still there sweetheart?โ€

She replied, โ€œYeah... but I donโ€™t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Good Morning, sweetie!

When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโ€™s back and says:

โ€œCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโ€™re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโ€™re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโ€™t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ€

The wife stares at her husband:

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with you?! You think I canโ€™t fry a few eggs?!โ€

The husband answers calmly:

โ€œI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโ€™m driving.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โ€œI donโ€™t do that sort of thing on my first date!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ Bill replied with sarcasm, โ€œhow about on your last date?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I asked her.

She replied, โ€œThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ€

I said, โ€œOkay, how about in the fridge?โ€

She said, โ€œNo, silly, thereโ€™s a little light inside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโ€™re in trouble, you can cry on it when youโ€™re in pain, you can embrace it when youโ€™re happy.

So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, itโ€™s going to end in a mess.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โ€œDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ€

After dinner, Georgeโ€™s dad took him aside, โ€œSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโ€™s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ€

โ€œSusan is actually your half-sister, and Iโ€™m afraid you canโ€™t marry her.โ€

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โ€œDiane said yes! Weโ€™re getting married in June.โ€

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โ€œDiane is your half-sister too, George. Iโ€™m awfully sorry about this.โ€

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

โ€œDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโ€™m never going to get married,โ€ he complained. โ€œEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.โ€

โ€œHee hee,โ€ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โ€œDonโ€™t pay any attention to what he says. Heโ€™s not really your father.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, did you ever fall in love?โ€

โ€œYes, son. I did once.โ€

โ€œAnd, what happened?โ€

โ€œIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The other day my friend messaged by saying, โ€œBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ€

I told him to combine them.

He replied, โ€œYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never laugh at your girlfriendโ€™s choices.

Youโ€™re one of them.

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My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Iโ€™m feeling canneloni right now.

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Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didnโ€™t like getting hairballs.

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My girlfriend said Iโ€™m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

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I asked my girlfriend if sheโ€™d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.

She said, โ€œYes!โ€

I said, โ€œGood, because Iโ€™m breaking up with you.โ€

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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

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โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ The husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?

Because he was toxic!

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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

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Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

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This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

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Wife: โ€œI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ€

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My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโ€™s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

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Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

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A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.

He said heโ€™ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.

I love the idea, but Iโ€™m really not sure how theyโ€™re both going to fit into it.

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I asked my wife, โ€œWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ€

She said, โ€œSomewhere I have never been!โ€

I told her, โ€œHow about the kitchen?โ€

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโ€™t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโ€™s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โ€œI have a confession.โ€

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โ€œDarling, so do I.โ€

Recoiling, he says, โ€œDonโ€™t tell meโ€”youโ€™ve eaten my socks.โ€

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โ€œIsnโ€™t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ€

The wife replies saying, โ€œYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ€ with a naughty voice.

Both donโ€™t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.

The wife says, โ€œYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ€

โ€œNo wonder,โ€ the man replies, โ€œone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ€

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Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโ€™s imaginary.

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess whoโ€™s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Wife: โ€œI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ€

Husband: โ€œYou have perfect eyesight.โ€

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A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

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Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

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A man asked his wife, โ€œWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ€

She said, โ€œIโ€™d love to be ten again.โ€

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, โ€œWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ€ One eye opened and she groaned, โ€œActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ€

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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

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A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldnโ€™t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.

Reading his momโ€™s thoughts, his son volunteered, โ€œI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ€

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โ€œEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโ€™ve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโ€™t suppose your mother took it, do you?โ€

He said, โ€œWell I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!โ€

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโ€™m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iโ€™m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

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A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and thereโ€™s a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, thereโ€™s a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, โ€œHey can you get us some punch?โ€

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

Thereโ€™s no punch-line.

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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

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Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

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A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

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At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โ€œMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ€

โ€œIs this her first child?โ€ the doctor responds.

The man replies, โ€œNo! This is her husband!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ€

Friend: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s really impressive! What did she say?!โ€

Husband: โ€œCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

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My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I havenโ€™t fit in my pants since March.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

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