Enjoy our team's carefully selected Couple Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I donโt brush my teeth, I count them!
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My girlfriendโs such a bad cook.
She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
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A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple, who are running their hands over each other passionately.
โI donโt know whether to watch them or the game,โ says the man.
โWatch them!โ says his wife. โYou already know how to play volleyball.โ
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks.
Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, โItโs the best thing thatโs ever happened to me. My wife thinks Iโm with my mistress. My mistress thinks Iโm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!โ
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.
That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.
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My wife bought me a Lego car set to build, and it said +3 years in the box.
I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.
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If Joker and Harley Quinn have a son.
The name is Joaquin.
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Her: โWhenโs your birthday?โ
Me: โJanuary first.โ
Her: โWhat year?โ
Me: โEvery year.โ
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Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?
She was feeling Goofy at the time.
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What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
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Student: โTeacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?โ
Teacher: โOf course. Why should that day be an exception?โ
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My crush told me I smelled nice.
Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.
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Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions:
1. Would you go out with me?
2. Why not?
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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I just told my crush that Iโm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother.
Iโm just lucky she is from Alabama.
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In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium.
Because she is always responding with โKโ.
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Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year.
Hers is in February and mine in July.
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What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
Imagination.
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Crush: โWhy should I trust you? All the guys Iโve been dating have been dogs.โ
Me: โ...โ
Crush: โWell? Arenโt you going to say anything?โ
Me: โ... meow?โ
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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
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My crush told me, โCome over, no ones home.โ
I went over... no one was home.
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I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.
Now she is my mom.
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Talking to my crush is like talking to God.
They never respond.
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My crush told me that Iโm pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was โYouโre pretty annoyingโ, but I focus only on the positive things.
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.
With a really angry bear somewhere close by...
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A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife, โPass the honey, honey.โ
The Italian man says to his wife, โPass the sugar, sweety.โ
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, โPass the bacon, you fat pig.โ
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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโs attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what heโs looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โIโm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ
To which the man replies surprised, โOh no no everythingโs fine! I just promised my wife Iโd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, โAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ
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A woman was leaving a Cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldnโt stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ
The woman replied, โWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ
โWhat happened to him?โ
The woman replied, โMy dog attacked him to death.โ
She inquired further, โWell, who is in the second hearse?โ
The woman answered, โMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
โCan I borrow the dog?โ
โGet in line!โ
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
โWho are you?โ he asked.
โIโm the Devil!โ she responded.
โWell, come on home with me,โ he said, โI married your sister.โ
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโs lack of insulation.
โIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
โFor the past 30 years,โ he muttered, โtheyโve gone to Florida for the winter.โ
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Itโs been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesnโt stop tomorrow, Iโll have to let her in.
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesnโt like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: โWhat are you waiting for?โ
The husband replies, โAutumn.โ
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, โItโs the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ
โThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ
โWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ
He continued, โThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
โWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ
โMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, โAre you the owner?โ
The Pharmacist answers, โYes.โ
Jacob: โWeโre about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?โ
Pharmacist: โOf course we do.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for rheumatism?โ
Pharmacist: โDefinitely.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimerโs?โ
Pharmacist: โYes, a large variety. The works.โ
Jacob: โWhat about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsonโs disease?โ
Pharmacist: โAbsolutely.โ
Jacob: โEverything for heartburn and indigestion?โ
Pharmacist: โWe sure do.โ
Jacob: โYou sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?โ
Pharmacist: โAll speeds and sizes.โ
Jacob: โIn that case, weโd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.โ
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says confused, โSir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?โ
He answers, โYou see, itโs like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโs so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, โGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ
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I havenโt spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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Girlfriend: โDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ
Boyfriend: โYes dear, itโs already dark out.โ
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Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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What to give a man whoโs got everything?
A woman. Sheโll tell him how everything works.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isnโt a problem in the world that couldnโt be created.
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The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
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Girlfriend: โExcuse me, could you please close that window? Itโs terribly cold outside.โ
Boyfriend: โAnd you seriously think itโs going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!โ
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: โIโm going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: โOoh, am I coming?โ
Husband: โNo, Iโm turning the heating off.โ
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Itโs so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
Itโs my wifeโs birthday and I thought, โWhat the hell! Iโll treat her.โ
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Youโre so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโs the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โNo, they are for the funeral.โ
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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, โGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ
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Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iโm on my PlayStation.
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A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, โWhat gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentineโs Day?โ
โWell, I donโt knowโ she answers shyly.
โOK, that I give you another year to think about it...โ
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Boy: โHey Beautiful, Can I have your number?โ
Girl: โNo, I have a boyfriend.โ
Boy: โBut Iโm gay, can I have the number now?โ
Girl: โOh, okay! Hereโs the number.โ
Boy: โThanks, Iโm not really gay. Ha!โ
Girl: โThatโs my boyfriendโs number.โ
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Boyfriend: โDo you think my salary is sufficient for you?โ
Girlfriend: โItโs sufficient for me but how will you survive?โ
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Girl: โWhat if a boy hugs me?โ
Mom: โSay โdonโtโ.โ
Girl: โWhat if he kisses me?โ
Mom: โSay โstopโ.โ
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DONโT STOP!
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Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโs 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโs 26.
So if youโre single itโs ok, maybe heโs just not born yet.
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Perfect Boyfriend:
ยท Does not drink.
ยท Does not smoke.
ยท Does not cheat.
ยท Does not exist.
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Friend 1: โDoes she have a boyfriend?โ
Friend 2: โYes, a cute, strong and clever one.โ
Friend 1: โWhatโs the name?โ
Friend 2: โJohn, Michael and Bill.โ
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, โPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canโt figure out how to get started.โ
Her boyfriend asks, โWhat is it supposed to be when itโs finished?โ
The blonde says, โAccording to the picture on the box, itโs a rooster.โ
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, โFirst of all, no matter what we do, weโre not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.โ
He takes her hand and says, โSecond, I want you to relax. Letโs have a nice cup of tea, and then,โ he said with a deep sigh, โletโs put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.โ
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A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnโt even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonโs choice.
โMom, can I escort Helen?โ
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted โnoโ, she surprised hear.
โSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!โ
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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didnโt want him to.
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Boy: โHey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.โ
Girl: โI have a boyfriend.โ
Boy: โI have a math test tomorrow.โ
Girl: โWhat does that have to do with anything?โ
Boy: โI thought we were listing things we could cheat on.โ
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I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.
After pointing it out, the employee asked, โIs there anything specific youโre looking for?โ
โYes,โ said the customer. โMy boyfriend.โ
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Girlfriend: โOur new neighbor always kisses his girlfriend when he leaves for work. Why donโt you do that?โ
Boyfriend: โHow can I? I donโt even know her.โ
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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
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Girlfriend: โDo you have a date for Valentineโs Day?โ
Boyfriend: โYes, February 14th.โ
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Boyfriend: โI love you.โ
Girlfriend: โIs that you or the wine talking?โ
Boyfriend: โItโs me talking to the wine.โ
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I like to show my girlfriend whoโs the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
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Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
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A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, โI forgot my wallet.โ
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A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โI love you this much,โ as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, โThatโs not very much at all!โ
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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โIโm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ
His wife answers, โYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โHoney, are you sure you donโt want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ
โNo, no, Iโm sure Iโll remember what you asked for.โ
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, โWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, โThatโs the fourth time youโve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnโt it embarrass you?โ
โWhy should it?โ answered her spouse. โI keep telling them itโs for you.โ
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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โHappy birthday!โ.
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My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesnโt smell good.
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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โThereโs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ
The husband thinks for a second and says, โHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ
The wife replies, โWell what about the smell?โ
The husband says, โItโll be alright, just hold its nose.โ
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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
Sheโs like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโs restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโt have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a โCAUTION โ WET FLOORโ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โWhy canโt you people just leave me alone?โ. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โMission Impossibleโ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โMadonna Lookโ using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โPICK ME! PICK ME!โ.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โOH NO! ITโS THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โHey! Thereโs no toilet paper in hereโ. One of the clerks passed out.
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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, โIโm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, โYou still there sweetheart?โ
She replied, โYeah... but I donโt think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ
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Good Morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโs back and says:
โCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ
The wife stares at her husband:
โWhatโs wrong with you?! You think I canโt fry a few eggs?!โ
The husband answers calmly:
โI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโm driving.โ
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโs Up for Halloween.
Iโll dress up as an old guy and sheโll dress up as a tombstone.
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All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โI donโt do that sort of thing on my first date!โ
โWell,โ Bill replied with sarcasm, โhow about on your last date?โ
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ
Her dad asked her, โWhy goodbye?โ
โOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sallyโs grandma died.
That night, when Sally said โGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ, Sallyโs dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโt just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
โOh, it was just awful!โ she replied. โThe Milkman died!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband whispers to wife as theyโre going to sleep, โGood night, mother of six.โ
โGood night, father of one,โ she replies.
๐ ๐ ๐
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
โWhatโs wrong?โ I asked her.
She replied, โThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ
I said, โOkay, how about in the fridge?โ
She said, โNo, silly, thereโs a little light inside.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โHow would you like it if you didnโt see me for two or three days?โ
โThat would be fine with meโ, he replied.
Monday went by and he didnโt see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
๐ ๐ ๐
True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโre in trouble, you can cry on it when youโre in pain, you can embrace it when youโre happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
๐ ๐ ๐
Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!
๐ ๐ ๐
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, itโs going to end in a mess.
๐ ๐ ๐
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
๐ ๐ ๐
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ
After dinner, Georgeโs dad took him aside, โSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโs a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ
โSusan is actually your half-sister, and Iโm afraid you canโt marry her.โ
George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โDiane said yes! Weโre getting married in June.โ
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โDiane is your half-sister too, George. Iโm awfully sorry about this.โ
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
โDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโm never going to get married,โ he complained. โEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.โ
โHee hee,โ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โDonโt pay any attention to what he says. Heโs not really your father.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
โDad, did you ever fall in love?โ
โYes, son. I did once.โ
โAnd, what happened?โ
โIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
๐ ๐ ๐
The other day my friend messaged by saying, โBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ
I told him to combine them.
He replied, โYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.
30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
๐ ๐ ๐
Never laugh at your girlfriendโs choices. Youโre one of them.
๐ ๐ ๐
My friend: โMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ
Me: โHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ
Her: โNothing.โ
Me: Flies to Africa.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Iโm feeling canneloni right now.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?
He didnโt like getting hairballs.
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend said Iโm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโs face.
โWhat did you do that for?โ the man asks.
โWell, you donโt have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ
The man says, โNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I asked my girlfriend if sheโd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, โYes!โ
I said, โGood, because Iโm breaking up with you.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
๐ ๐ ๐
โWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ The husband asks his wife.
โIn a detective novel,โ she answers.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
โHow wonderful! I hope you donโt mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ
โHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ
โOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ
โHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ
โOh, how terrible! Iโm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ
โHe died of a broken neck.โ
โA broken neck?โ
โHe wouldnโt eat the mushrooms.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two menโone a brunette and the other a blondeโwere comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, โWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.
โOn what grounds?โ asked the lawyer.
โI donโt think he is faithful to me,โ she replied.
โAnd what makes you think he isnโt faithful?โ asked the lawyer.
โWell,โ replied the young lady, โI donโt think he is the father of my child.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
This guy was sitting in his attorneyโs office.
His lawyer says, โDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ
โGive me the bad news first,โ he says.
โYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ his lawyer informs him.
โThatโs the bad news?โ asks the man incredulously. โI canโt wait to hear the terrible news.โ
โThe terrible news is that itโs of you and your secretary.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Wife: โI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ
Husband: โOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโs doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
๐ ๐ ๐
A little boy asked his father, โDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ
And the father replied, โI donโt know, son, Iโm still paying for it.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
๐ ๐ ๐
My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said heโll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but Iโm really not sure how theyโre both going to fit into it.
๐ ๐ ๐
I asked my wife, โWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ
She said, โSomewhere I have never been!โ
I told her, โHow about the kitchen?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโt sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโs been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โI have a confession.โ
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โDarling, so do I.โ
Recoiling, he says, โDonโt tell meโyouโve eaten my socks.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโs was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโs wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโre going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
๐ ๐ ๐
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โIsnโt it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ
The wife replies saying, โYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ with a naughty voice.
Both donโt doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, โYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ
โNo wonder,โ the man replies, โone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
๐ ๐ ๐
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโs imaginary.
๐ ๐ ๐
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โWhat do you do?โ
I replied, โI race motorcycles.โ
She asked further, โDo you usually win many races?โ
I said, โNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โโฌ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess whoโs not allowed in my tree house anymore.
๐ ๐ ๐
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldnโt do either.
๐ ๐ ๐
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
๐ ๐ ๐
Wife: โI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ
Husband: โYou have perfect eyesight.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A couple goes to the cinema.
โTwo tickets, please,โ says the man.
โHobbit?โ asks the cashier lady.
โNo, thatโs my wife.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โHoney thereโs a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ
She shouted back, โJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ
My mother-in-law hasnโt spoken to me since.
๐ ๐ ๐
Iโm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man asked his wife, โWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ
She said, โIโd love to be ten again.โ
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, โWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ One eye opened and she groaned, โActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
๐ ๐ ๐
Man: โGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ
God: โSo you would love her?โ
Man: โBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ
God: โSo she would love you?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
๐ ๐ ๐
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโs ribs.
Later in the week, the boyโs mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, โMom, I have a pain in my sideโI think Iโm getting a wife.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ
The mother replied to the girl, โBecause white is the color of happiness and itโs the happiest day of her life today.โ
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldnโt help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.
Reading his momโs thoughts, his son volunteered, โI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโt suppose your mother took it, do you?โ
He said, โWell I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!โ
He sat down and wrote:
Dear mom,
After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโm not saying that you donโt take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
Your son
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
Iโm not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโm not saying that you donโt sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love
Mom
๐ ๐ ๐
A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and thereโs a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, thereโs a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, โHey can you get us some punch?โ
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
Thereโs no punch-line.
๐ ๐ ๐
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, โNo, the seatโs empty.โ
The first man exclaims, โWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ
The neighbor responds, โWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโt been together.โ
The first man responds,โ Iโm sorry to hear that. Wasnโt there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโve taken that seat?โ
The neighbor responds, โNo, theyโre all at the funeral.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that theyโll play a game with the kids. Theyโll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
โWell,โ he says, โitโs what mommy calls me sometimesโ.
The little girl screams, โDonโt eat it! Itโs a donkey!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A manโs bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
โLook, being a vice president isnโt that special,โ she said. โThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โGet me the vice president of peas!โ
The clerk replied, โFresh, canned, or frozen?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At school, Little Johnnyโs classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโs very easy to blackmail them by saying โI know the whole truthโ.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnnyโs mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โI know the whole truth.โ
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โJust donโt tell your father.โ
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โI know the whole truth.โ
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โPlease donโt say a word to your mother.โ
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, โI know the whole truth.โ
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, โWell what about your friend Clyde?โ
The man replied, โWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโt looking?โ
โNo, I guess not,โ replied his wife.
The man said, โNeither would Clyde.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ
โIs this her first child?โ the doctor responds.
The man replies, โNo! This is her husband!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband: โI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ
Friend: โWow, thatโs really impressive! What did she say?!โ
Husband: โCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: โI need to buy some arsenic.โ
Pharmacist: โWhy do you need arsenic?โ
Woman: โI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ
Pharmacist: โWHAT?โ
Woman: โYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ
Pharmacist: โWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ
Woman: โBecause heโs having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ
Pharmacist: โWell why didnโt you tell me you had a prescription?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I havenโt fit in my pants since March.
๐ ๐ ๐
A child asked his father, โHow were people born?โ
So his father said, โAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ
The child ran back to his father and said, โYou lied to me!โ
His father replied, โNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Before Marriage.
Boy: โAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ
Girl: โDo you want me to leave?โ
Boy: โNo, don't even think about it.โ
Girl: โDo you love me?โ
Boy: โOf Course. Always have and always will.โ
Girl: โHave you ever cheated on me?โ
Boy: โNever. Why are you even asking?โ
Girl: โWill you kiss me?โ
Boy: โHell no. Are you crazy?โ
Girl: โCan I trust you?โ
Boy: โYes.โ
Girl: โDarling!โ
After Marriageโฆ (Read from bottom to top)
๐ ๐ ๐