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Enjoy our team's carefully selected Couple Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on the phone with my wife and said, โ€œIโ€™m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ€

After a twenty second pause, I asked, โ€œYou still there sweetheart?โ€

She replied, โ€œYeah... but I donโ€™t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Good Morning, sweetie!

When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโ€™s back and says:

โ€œCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโ€™re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโ€™re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโ€™t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ€

The wife stares at her husband:

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with you?! You think I canโ€™t fry a few eggs?!โ€

The husband answers calmly:

โ€œI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโ€™m driving.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โ€œI donโ€™t do that sort of thing on my first date!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ Bill replied with sarcasm, โ€œhow about on your last date?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I asked her.

She replied, โ€œThis jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ€

I said, โ€œOkay, how about in the fridge?โ€

She said โ€œNo, silly, thereโ€™s a little light inside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโ€™re in trouble, you can cry on it when youโ€™re in pain, you can embrace it when youโ€™re happy.

So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, itโ€™s going to end in a mess.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โ€œDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ€

After dinner, Georgeโ€™s dad took him aside, โ€œSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโ€™s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ€

โ€œSusan is actually your half sister, and Iโ€™m afraid you canโ€™t marry her.โ€

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โ€œDiane said yes! Weโ€™re getting married in June.โ€

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โ€œDiane is your half sister too, George. Iโ€™m awfully sorry about this.โ€

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

โ€œDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโ€™m never going to get married,โ€ he complained. โ€œEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.โ€

โ€œHee hee,โ€ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โ€œDonโ€™t pay any attention to what he says. Heโ€™s not really your father.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, did you ever fall in love?โ€

โ€œYes, son. I did once.โ€

โ€œAnd, what happened?โ€

โ€œIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The other day my friend messaged by saying, โ€œBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ€

I told him to combine them.

He replied with, โ€œYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never laugh at your girlfriendโ€™s choices. Youโ€™re one of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didnโ€™t like getting hair balls.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend said Iโ€™m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my girlfriend if sheโ€™d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said, โ€œYes!โ€

I said, โ€œGood, because Iโ€™m breaking up with you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ Husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?

Because he was toxic!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men โ€” one a brunette and the other a blonde โ€” were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou stupid! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.

He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.

It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her, โ€œWhere did you come from? How did you get here?โ€

โ€œI rowed from the other side of the island,โ€ she said. โ€œI landed here when my cruise ship sank.โ€

โ€œAmazing,โ€ he said. โ€œI didnโ€™t know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.โ€

โ€œIts only me,โ€ she said, โ€œand the rowboat didnโ€™t wash up, nothing did.โ€

He was confused, โ€œThen how did you get the rowboat?โ€

โ€œOh, simple,โ€ replied the woman. โ€œI made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.โ€

โ€œB-B-But thatโ€™s impossible,โ€ stuttered the man. โ€œYou had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?โ€

โ€œOh, that was no problem,โ€ replied the woman. โ€œOn the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.โ€ โ€œBut enough of that,โ€ she said. โ€œWhere do you live?โ€

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

โ€œWell, letโ€™s row over to my place, then.โ€ she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, โ€œItโ€™s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?โ€

โ€œNo, no thank you,โ€ he said, still dazed. โ€œI canโ€™t take any more coconut juice.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s not coconut juice,โ€ the woman replied. โ€œI have a still. How about a Pina Colada?โ€

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, โ€œIโ€™m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.โ€

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto itโ€™s end.

โ€œThis woman is amazing,โ€ he thought. โ€œWhat next?โ€

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

โ€œTell me,โ€ she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, โ€œweโ€™ve been out here for a very long time. Youโ€™ve been lonely. Thereโ€™s something Iโ€™m sure you really feel like doing right now, something youโ€™ve been longing for all these months. You know...โ€ She stared into his eyes.

He couldnโ€™t believe what he was hearing.

โ€œYou mean...โ€ he replied, โ€œI can check my Facebook from here?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde worked as office assistants for Mrs. Jessell.

They realized that Mrs. Jessell was leaving work early every day, so one day they decided that when she left early, theyโ€™d sneak out a few minutes later.

Minutes after Mrs. Jessell left, they all did the same.

The brunette took a nap.

The redhead got ready for a date.

The blonde went over to her boyfriends house. When she walked in, she saw Mrs. Jessell and her boyfriend smooching on the couch. She backed out the door without them noticing her, feeling very shaky.

The next afternoon, after Mrs. Jessell left work early, the brunette and redhead said they were going to go home as well. But the still shaky blond decided to stay behind.

โ€œWhy?โ€ they asked her.

โ€œBecause,โ€ she replied, โ€œyesterday I almost got caught!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโ€™s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.

He said heโ€™ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.

I love the idea, but Iโ€™m really not sure how theyโ€™re both going to fit into it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my wife, โ€œWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ€

She said, โ€œSomewhere I have never been!โ€

I told her, โ€œHow about the kitchen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโ€™t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโ€™s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โ€œI have a confession.โ€

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โ€œDarling, so do I.โ€

Recoiling, he says, โ€œDonโ€™t tell meโ€”youโ€™ve eaten my socks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โ€œIsnโ€™t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ€

The wife replies saying, โ€œYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here naked,โ€ with a naughty voice.

Both donโ€™t doubt for a moment an they take off their clothes. They sit back down on the table giggling.

The wife says, โ€œYou know honey, even my nipples are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ€

โ€œNo wonder,โ€ the man replies, โ€œone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hey girl, are you an angler fish?

Because you are the light in my darkness.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A shark just ate my girlfriend during our fishing trip. Will you be my new one?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโ€™s imaginary.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess whoโ€™s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ€

Husband: โ€œYou have perfect eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man asked his wife, โ€œWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ€

She said, โ€œIโ€™d love to be ten again.โ€

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, โ€œWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ€ One eye opened and she groaned, โ€œActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldnโ€™t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if thereโ€™s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his momโ€™s thought, his son volunteered, โ€œI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ€

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โ€œEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโ€™ve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโ€™t suppose your mother took it, do you?โ€

He said, โ€œWell I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure!โ€

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโ€™m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iโ€™m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit.

The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop.

The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance.

There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink.

She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they wonโ€™t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, โ€œWell itโ€™s what Mommy calls me sometimes.โ€

The little girl screamed to her brother, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! It's an asshole!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โ€œMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ€

โ€œIs this her first child?โ€ the doctor responds.

The man replies, โ€œNo! This is her husband!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ€

Friend: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s really impressive! What did she say?!โ€

Husband: โ€œCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to kill my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I havenโ€™t fit in my pants since March.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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