Enjoy our team's carefully selected Country Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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Why don’t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?
Because they are already covered.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
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A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
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Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.
They hadn’t had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
“Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You’ll be Hassan, and I’ll be Muhammed,” said Roger.
“No way, man. I’m not going to say that, even if they won’t give us anything to drink,” replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door.
A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, “Yes, how may I help you?”
“Hello, I’m Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,” asked Roger.
“Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won’t be breaking our fast until sundown.”
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Some years ago, a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said, “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built.”
The following year, the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor’s house: gold taps, marble floors—it was marvelous.
When he asked how this could be afforded, the Greek said, “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied, “No.”
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
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Once, there was a man who came from Spain to America.
He couldn’t speak English, so he went to a choir and learned how to say, “Me me me me me me.”
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say, “He stole my dolly.”
On his way home, he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
Later, he went to the store, and there was a murder.
The police said, “Who killed this man?”
The foreigner said, “Me me me me me me.”
The police said, “Why did you kill him?”
The man said, “He stole my dolly.”
The policeman said, “What did you kill him with?”
The man said, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The policeman said, “Any last words?”
The foreigner said, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
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Science is amazing. Some European scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches thieves in the streets of various cities around the world with an accuracy of 99.9%!
Naturally, various countries were interested. Germany got 2 machines, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5, and Portugal, true to its showoff image, got 10.
After one hour, in Germany, 100 thieves were caught. In France, more than 250 thieves were caught. In Greece, more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.
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A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.
A few days pass, and the father calls the son, “How's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?”
“No, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.”
“Don’t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.”
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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
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What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
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I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
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A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
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Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
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At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”
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At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
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The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy.
So it’s italicized!
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.
But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Spain.”
“Spain, who?”
“Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!”
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Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a stationary bike.
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Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French.
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Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
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A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based on old Greek and Roman performances.
That’s playgarism if you ask me.
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After Jesus’s trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
“I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.”
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Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”
A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.
He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ireland.”
“Ireland, who?”
“Ire land you in time-out, so be nice.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ireland.”
“Ireland, who?”
“Ireland you money if you promise to pay me back.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Irish.”
“Irish, who?”
“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Don.”
“Don, who?”
“Don be putting down the Irish now!”
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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As a Canadian, I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
Turkey.
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Why don’t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t like Turkey.
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.
He pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, “I’m going to make it hard for him.”
He says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’.”
The Mexican man thinks, then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez “yellow?”.”
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Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.
Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”
“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
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What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
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What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
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Husband: “Hello, 911? Yes, there’s this Hindu fellow who’s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it’s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and he’s... praying, or something.”
911 operator: “Sir, calm down, there’s no issue here—Hindus are well known to worship cows.”
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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
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What’s the difference between North Korea and the USA?
In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.
In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.
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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled ‘nuclear’ wrong.
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What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea?
A supreme liter.
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In North Korea, you cannot throw fruits in the snow.
As they don’t have the right to freeze peach.
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Why do French people eat so many snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
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What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?
The French flag!
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An American and a German architect bet who can build a skyscraper in the least amount of time.
After a month, the American mails the German, “Only 10 days and I’ll be finished.”
The German writes back, “Hah, that’s nothing. Only 10 forms left and I am allowed to start.”
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Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?
“Do you come from a LAN down under?”
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Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
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An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.
The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”
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Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?
But the line was always busy.
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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”
The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”
His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”
“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”
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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?
Because everybody says “Stay Safe”.
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On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?
The first telephone Pole.
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What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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What do spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, “If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?”
When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.
After a moment of thought, he said, “Forty days.”
The teacher was naturally surprised.
“Pepito,” she said, “the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn’t make the question clear. Pretend that it’s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?”
Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.
“But why?” asked the teacher.
“Well, because you would constantly have to say ‘Excuse me’, ‘Pardon me please’, ‘Excuse me, sir’, ‘Pardon me, Miss’, ‘Excuse me’...”
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Why should you marry an Egyptian woman?
They make great mummies.
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Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
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I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.
I ended up calling it a Thai.
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Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
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I once thought I had a japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea.
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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?
Just spin him around in circles until he’s disoriented.
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What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
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If Mario lived in the United States, what state would he live in?
Luigiana.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real.
Turns out it was all maple leaf.
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You can say what you want, but dry January is quite a success in Australia.
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What language do Brazilian geese speak?
Portu-geese.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.
“Please, God,” the little girl kept saying, “Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”
“Why did you make such as strange request?” the mother asked.
“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”
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The English teacher in India.
Teacher: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: “I is the...”
Teacher: “Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. Always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”
Student: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.
People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.
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Does anyone know where I can find the Surrender emoji?
Nevermind the French flag works fine.
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I hurt my back in Egypt.
It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor.
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In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Every day several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.
By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them. To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Egyptian government hold a meeting.
“What shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?” Asks the first speaker.
Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then a man raises his hand.
“It is quite an easy solution,” he exclaims. “We keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so if people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away.”
The council agrees and decides to implement this new solution the following day. However, with traffic there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital. So they hold another meeting.
“Having an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more.”
A different man raises his hand and speaks, “If getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole.”
Everyone claps seeing that they’ve found the solution.
But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal, “The land next to the hole is simply not big enough,” he says, and the crowd stops clapping. “It seems we are back at step 1.”
In the back of the room a man stands and says with much confidence, “I have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the site of the hole, and we will fill it up.”
The council is ecstatic clapping for the man.
“...then we dig another hole next to the hospital.”
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Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?
They have Tut-in-common.
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My girlfriend asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I told her, “Don’t be silly. It would take ages to get there.”
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country.
I think they are in de Nile.
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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game.
The Queen doesn’t wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to the opponent’s territory.
Most importantly, there’s only one Queen.
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A little-known fact is that Sir Lancelot raised a lot of sheep in his later years to make a living.
But once he got to Egypt he opened his own camel lot.
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What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?
A trans plant.
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My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could’ve just used bricks or something.
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Three archaeologists met in a seminar.
The British said, “We dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.”
The German said, “We dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.”
The Italian said, “We dug very deep and didn’t find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented Wi-Fi communication.”
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December 26th is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.
Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the US?
Black Friday.
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A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey.”
The Italian man says to his wife, “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, you fat pig.”
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At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.
She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.
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Teacher: “John, show us where North America is.”
John: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Good! Now, class, who discovered North America?”
Class: “John!”
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I’m starting to think they’re bad luck.
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In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?
Pokémon GO!
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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What pan is the best to make sushi in?
Japan.
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Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.
It’s the wurst.
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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim: “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim: “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave: “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim: “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Jim: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No.”
Jim: “Well, DON’T—because I’m in New Zealand.”
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An Iranian on taking revenge on America:
“America has no hero that we can target. It’s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?”
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Why America failed to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.
A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”
The American asks, “How do you know that?”
The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, “We’re going to Mars.”
The Russian says, “We made it to the moon.”
The Pole says, “We’re going to the sun.”
The other two astronauts say, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn. There’s nothing to land on.”
The polish guy says, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re going at night!”
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Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.
One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.
Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.
Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.
Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.
On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.
The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”
The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.
“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.
The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”
The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.
Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.
Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”
The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.
The king, finally satisfied, leaves.
At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”
The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”
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If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.
“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”
“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.”
“The alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.”
“The aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, they’re just tourists.”
“Too many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.”
“The aliens are eating our Americans, but don’t worry, they’ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?”
“There are aliens outside of the white house but they’ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.”
“The aliens have entered the white house, but don’t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.”
...
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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him, “You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!”
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, “Damn, another one without shoes!!”
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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What’s closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!
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An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
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What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?
I guess that’s a wrap!
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Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
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French Donuts...
...are the Beigne of my existence.
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Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
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Personally, I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms... breakfast of champignons.
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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, “You’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”
They replied, “We are the Champignons, my friend.”
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Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
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My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
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I love summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
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85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
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Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
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Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
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