Country Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Country Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Country Jokes


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelled โ€˜nuclearโ€™ wrong.

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Whatโ€™s the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter.

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In North Korea, you cannot throw fruits in the snow.

As they donโ€™t have the right to freeze peach.

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An American and a German architect bet who can build a skyscraper in the least amount of time.

After a month, the American mails the German, โ€œOnly 10 days and Iโ€™ll be finished.โ€

The German writes back, โ€œHah, thatโ€™s nothing. Only 10 forms left and I am allowed to start.โ€

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Which country has the worst air force?

Turkey. None of them can fly.

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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?

โ€œDo you come from a LAN down under?โ€

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Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?

The Ab-originals.

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An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.

Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.

When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayerโ€™s Rock.

The witch doctor says, โ€œYou bloody fool, didnโ€™t you see the sign by the cash register that says โ€˜NO RETURNSโ€™.โ€

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Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?

But the line was always busy.

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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, โ€œMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?โ€

The boy says, โ€œNo mommy, itโ€™s nacho cheese.โ€

His mother says, โ€œAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.โ€

โ€œI know,โ€ says the boy, โ€œbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, โ€˜Hey, thatโ€™s nacho cheese!โ€™โ€

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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?

Because everybody says โ€œStay Safeโ€.

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On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?

Then it becomes in-da-pendant.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverโ€™s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

โ€œCan you read this?โ€ the optician asked.

โ€œWhat do you mean if I can read this?โ€ the Polish guy replied, โ€œI know the dude.โ€

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Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?

The first telephone Pole.

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What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they canโ€™t spell toboggan.

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What do you call a Polish ape?

Chimpanski.

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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, โ€œIf the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?โ€

When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.

After a moment of thought, he said, โ€œForty days.โ€

The teacher was naturally surprised.

โ€œPepito,โ€ she said, โ€œthe distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didnโ€™t make the question clear. Pretend that itโ€™s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?โ€

Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.

โ€œBut why?โ€ asked the teacher.

โ€œWell, because you would constantly have to say โ€˜Excuse meโ€™, โ€˜Pardon me pleaseโ€™, โ€˜Excuse me, sirโ€™, โ€˜Pardon me, Missโ€™, โ€˜Excuse meโ€™...โ€

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Why should you marry an Egyptian woman?

They make great mummies.

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Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, โ€œLast year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.โ€

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldnโ€™t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, โ€œAny idea where we are?โ€

He replied, โ€œI think weโ€™re pretty close to where we crashed last year.โ€

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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I just couldnโ€™t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.

I ended up calling it a Thai.

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Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

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I once thought I had a japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?

Just spin him around in circles until heโ€™s disoriented.

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What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

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If Mario lived in the United States, what state would he live in?

Luigiana.

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I just found out Canada isnโ€™t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

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You can say what you want, but dry January is quite a success in Australia.

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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?

Because they have a supreme ruler!

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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.

โ€œPlease, God,โ€ the little girl kept saying, โ€œBless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.โ€

โ€œWhy did you make such as strange request?โ€ the mother asked.

โ€œBecause thatโ€™s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!โ€

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The English teacher in India.

Teacher: โ€œTell me a sentence that starts with an โ€˜Iโ€™.โ€

Student: โ€œI is the...โ€

Teacher: โ€œStop! Never put โ€˜isโ€™ after an โ€˜Iโ€™. Always put โ€˜amโ€™ after an โ€˜Iโ€™.โ€

Student: โ€œOK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.โ€

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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

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Does anyone know where I can find the Surrender emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine.

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I hurt my back in Egypt.

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor.

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In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Every day several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them. To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Egyptian government hold a meeting.

โ€œWhat shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?โ€ Asks the first speaker.

Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then a man raises his hand.

โ€œIt is quite an easy solution,โ€ he exclaims. โ€œWe keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so if people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away.โ€

The council agrees and decides to implement this new solution the following day. However, with traffic there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital. So they hold another meeting.

โ€œHaving an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more.โ€

A different man raises his hand and speaks, โ€œIf getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole.โ€

Everyone claps seeing that theyโ€™ve found the solution.

But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal, โ€œThe land next to the hole is simply not big enough,โ€ he says, and the crowd stops clapping. โ€œIt seems we are back at step 1.โ€

In the back of the room a man stands and says with much confidence, โ€œI have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the site of the hole, and we will fill it up.โ€

The council is ecstatic clapping for the man.

โ€œ...then we dig another hole next to the hospital.โ€

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Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?

They have Tut-in-common.

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My girlfriend asked me, โ€œWhen we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?โ€

I told her, โ€œDonโ€™t be silly. It would take ages to get there.โ€

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What do you call a boring person from Finland?

A dolphin.

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The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country.

I think they are in de Nile.

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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game.

The Queen doesnโ€™t wear a burkha.

The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.

The Queen is more powerful than the King.

The Queen goes alone to opponentโ€™s territory.

Most importantly, thereโ€™s only one Queen.

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A little-known fact is that Sir Lancelot raised a lot of sheep in his later years to make a living.

But once he got to Egypt he opened his own camel lot.

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What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?

A trans plant.

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My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.

Which is kind of weird considering he couldโ€™ve just used bricks or something.

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Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said, โ€œWe dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.โ€

The German said, โ€œWe dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.โ€

The Italian said, โ€œWe dug very deep and didnโ€™t find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented Wi-Fi communication.โ€

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December 26th is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.

Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the US?

Black Friday.

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At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.

She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.

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Teacher: โ€œJohn, show us where North America is.โ€

John: โ€œHere it is.โ€

Teacher: โ€œGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?โ€

Class: โ€œJohn!โ€

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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

Iโ€™m starting to think theyโ€™re bad luck.

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In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?

Pokรฉmon GO!

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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him, โ€œLook, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:

If they say how much are the mangoes, you say โ€œ$5 a kiloโ€.

If they ask if theyโ€™re ripe, you say โ€œSome are, some arenโ€™tโ€.

If they say they donโ€™t want to buy, you shrug and say โ€œIf you donโ€™t, someone else willโ€.โ€

After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.

The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.

He says, โ€œFive-a dolla per-a kilo.โ€

The guy asks if they are ripe.

He says, โ€œSumma dey are, Summa dey arenโ€™t.โ€

He says maybe next time.

So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, โ€œIf you-a donโ€™t, summabody else will.โ€

The guy shakes his head and leaves.

Later, another customer comes in.

He asks Con for the time.

Con replies, โ€œFive-a dolla per-a kilo.โ€

The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, โ€œIs your whole family crazy like you are?โ€

Con shakes his head and replies, โ€œSumma dey are, Summa dey arenโ€™t.โ€

The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.

The guy says, โ€œSo, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!โ€

Con shrugs again and says, โ€œIf you-a donโ€™t, summabody else will.โ€

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

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What pan is the best to make sushi in?

Japan.

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Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

Itโ€™s the wurst.

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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, โ€œMan, I wish we had something to drink!โ€

Jim says, โ€œMe too. You know, Iโ€™ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?โ€

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Itโ€™s Jim.

Jim: โ€œHey, how do you feel this morning?โ€

Dave: โ€œI feel great, how about you?โ€

Jim: โ€œI feel great, too. You donโ€™t have a hangover?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.โ€

Jim: โ€œYeah, well thereโ€™s just one thing.โ€

Dave: โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€

Jim: โ€œHave you farted yet?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo.โ€

Jim: โ€œWell, DONโ€™Tโ€”because Iโ€™m in New Zealand.โ€

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An Iranian on taking revenge on America:

โ€œAmerica has no hero that we can target. Itโ€™s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?โ€

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Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus?

Thor is in Asgard.

Iron Man died.

Captain is now old.

Hulk doesnโ€™t have much power.

The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.

And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isnโ€™t wearing his watch.

A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.

The American approaches the Mexican and asks, โ€œExcuse me, do you know what time is?โ€

The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, โ€œ4:30.โ€

The American asks, โ€œHow do you know that?โ€

The Mexican replies, โ€œWell you get a handful of the donkeyโ€™s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.โ€

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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.

The US astronaut says, โ€œWeโ€™re going to Mars.โ€

The Russian says, โ€œWe made it to the moon.โ€

The Pole says, โ€œWeโ€™re going to the sun.โ€

The other two astronauts say, โ€œYou canโ€™t land on the sun, youโ€™ll burn. Thereโ€™s nothing to land on.โ€

The polish guy says, โ€œDonโ€™t tell anyone, but weโ€™re going at night!โ€

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Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided heโ€™d hide his treasure in the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdomโ€™s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, โ€œThis man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.โ€

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

โ€œNo one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,โ€ states the king.

The fisherman replies, โ€œThank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.โ€

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this manโ€™s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, โ€œI will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!โ€

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fishermanโ€™s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, โ€œIt is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?โ€

The fisherman replies, โ€œThe northern half.โ€

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If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.

โ€œThereโ€™s an alien spacecraft but itโ€™s not on course to earth.โ€

โ€œOur specialists, theyโ€™re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.โ€

โ€œThe alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.โ€

โ€œThe aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, theyโ€™re just tourists.โ€

โ€œToo many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.โ€

โ€œThe aliens are eating our Americans, but donโ€™t worry, theyโ€™ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?โ€

โ€œThere are aliens outside of the white house but theyโ€™ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.โ€

โ€œThe aliens have entered the white house, but donโ€™t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.โ€

...

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

โ€œHuman creature,โ€ the alien bellows, โ€œwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.โ€

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, โ€œWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. Weโ€™d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and weโ€™d eat it right off the stick.โ€

โ€œThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?โ€

โ€œOh, nowadays we use two sticks.โ€

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldnโ€™t stand Rod, so he told him, โ€œYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ€

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โ€œDamn, another one without shoes!!โ€

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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

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Whatโ€™s closer, France or the Moon?

The Moon, obviously! You canโ€™t see France from here!

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An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:

โ€œCan Ireland my spaceship on the moon?โ€

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Where was the first donut cooked?

In Greece.

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Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.

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Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.

I hope theyโ€™ve put it straight into iceolation.

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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said, โ€œYouโ€™re brilliant, whatโ€™s the band called?โ€

They replied, โ€œWe are the Champignons, my friend.โ€

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Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe itโ€™s Pharaoh Roche.

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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

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My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

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I love summer in Canada!

Itโ€™s my favorite day of the year!

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85% of people in America donโ€™t know basic math.

Thanks God Iโ€™m from the other 25%.

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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โ€œMira el mosca.โ€

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โ€œNo, senor, โ€œla moscaโ€, es feminina.โ€

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โ€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ€

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Do not be racist, be like Mario.

Heโ€™s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.

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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

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