Construction Jokes



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Construction Jokes


What is it that keeps roofing teams together?

Trussed.

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What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing.

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Three men are working on a building site.

Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”

“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”

“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”

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What do you call a Puerto Rican construction worker?

A renaissance man.

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In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Every day several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital, it is often too late to save them. To solve this dangerous predicament, those with the highest positions in the Egyptian government hold a meeting.

“What shall we do about this hole plaguing our people?” Asks the first speaker.

Everyone is hesitant to answer, but then a man raises his hand.

“It is quite an easy solution,” he exclaims. “We keep an ambulance right next to the hole, so if people fall in, they can be pulled out and brought to the hospital right away.”

The council agrees and decides to implement this new solution the following day. However, with traffic there is still not enough time to get the victims to the hospital. So they hold another meeting.

“Having an ambulance ready is still not enough to save our people, we must do more.”

A different man raises his hand and speaks, “If getting to the hospital in time is the problem, then we must build a hospital next to the hole.”

Everyone claps seeing that they’ve found the solution.

But then the urban development chair speaks in response to this proposal, “The land next to the hole is simply not big enough,” he says, and the crowd stops clapping. “It seems we are back at step 1.”

In the back of the room a man stands and says with much confidence, “I have got it! We shall bring a truck full of dirt to the site of the hole, and we will fill it up.”

The council is ecstatic clapping for the man.

“...then we dig another hole next to the hospital.”

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Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”

Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”

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I went to the DIY store the other week and asked in which section I could find tools, bricks and tiles.

The guy said they were under Construction.

I asked when they would be finished.

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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”

The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”

He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”

“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”

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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”

“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”

“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”

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How do construction workers party?

They raise the roof.

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