Enjoy our team's carefully selected Computer Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server.
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What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
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Yo daddy is so dumb the computer said “press any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.
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Murphy’s Laws of Computing:
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
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I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didn’t know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
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I was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop.
Then I realised I could just get one on the web.
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Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
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Why was the programmer always running into walls?
He couldn’t C#.
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Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.
He refused to comment.
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What does a programmer wear?
Whatever is in the dress code.
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While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer “Yes”.
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”
Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
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What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
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What do a lion and a computer have in common?
They both have mega bites.
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What do you call a PC made of legos?
Bricked.
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I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.
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Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they can’t C#.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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I changed my password to “incorrect”, so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
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I named my hard drive Dat Ass, so once a month my computer asks if I want to back Dat Ass up.
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I love the F5 key. It’s just so refreshing.
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Can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Think it’s time for a new keyboard.
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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Your Momma is so fat she takes her picture with Google Earth.
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If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.
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Facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected.
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When you have a question, you check with Google.
When Google has a question, they check with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has a question, everybody better run!
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Why are PC gamers always sad?
Because they can’t console each other.
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What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?
A programmar.
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What is a software developer?
A person who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those with questionable knowledge.
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What did the Java code say to the C code?
You’ve got no class.
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A computer software developer asks God, “Where will I go after I die?”
God: “Onto a DAT tape and into offline storage.”
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What is software?
It’s the part of a computer you can’t hit.
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A web developer walks into a restaurant.
He immediately leaves in disgust as the restaurant was laid out in tables.
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Why did the developer use a credit card to buy all the gifts?
Becuase he had cleared all his cache.
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?
Because they build character.
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How many developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.
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My boss calls me “Computer”, but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.
The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.
“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”
The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”
“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.
He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.
Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.
He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”
The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”
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Santa calls the Help Desk to complain to a computer problem.
Santa: “When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. What’s the problem?”
Help Desk: “Dear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he can’t read your password.”
Santa: “Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me!”
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How do you make a baby computer cry?
Delete his cookies!
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Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
In the gourdroom.
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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
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Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he’s a web developer.
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
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WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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WFH day 3:
Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
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I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues.
The client texted and said, “Please bare with me.”
Thought it was an odd request, but he’s the client.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Having a meeting at home sometimes means finding out that a more efficient way to communicate was by e-mail.
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Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls.
Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!
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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
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I put my pants on the same way as everybody else.
Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.
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Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party.
You want to do it, but you don’t want to be the first, and you definitely don’t want to be the only one.
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Working from home is tough.
I have to coordinate a desktop, a laptop and a handheld.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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Is it just me or do we all play Solitaire when that very important meeting is going on?
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Virtual background on Zoom?
But, we need virtual outfits!
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So apparently, everyone on my husband’s Zoom work call finds my singing distracting.
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I missed my Skype work meeting today.
It’s funny how I’m not even remotely sorry!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Zoom.”
“Zoom, who?”
“Zoom did you expect.”
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I propose a new rule:
meetings can not last longer than my laptop battery or my bladder.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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No one turns on their camera in Zoom.
They have been infected by Novid-19.
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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I told a joke over a Zoom meeting...
...it wasn’t even remotely funny.
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Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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Why doesn’t the word “mushroom” make a good computer password?
It’s not stroganoff.
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The computer programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”
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When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”
The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
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