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Jokes About the Cold



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cold Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Cold Jokes


It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.

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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

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What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?

You talk to the lock because communication is key.

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A blonde crashed a helicopter.

The police officer asked her what happened.

She says, β€œIt got cold, so I turned off the fan.”

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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, β€œDidn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, β€œThey’re a thing of beauty.”

β€œWhy don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, β€œI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”

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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

β€œIf they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

β€œFor the past 30 years,” he muttered, β€œthey’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.

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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.

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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.

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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

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A native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, β€œYes. Better start gathering firewood.”

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, β€œApparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say β€œYes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, β€œI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”

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Girlfriend: β€œExcuse me, could you please close that window? It’s terribly cold outside.”

Boyfriend: β€œAnd you seriously think it’s going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!”

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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?

A Peter Parka.

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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?

Because the farmer had cold hands!

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.

They tell him, β€œWell, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

β€œWell, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, β€œWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, β€œHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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My commute to work today was just awful!

Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.

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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They’re normally around 90 degrees.

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A couple goes to the cinema.

β€œTwo tickets, please,” says the man.

β€œHobbit?” asks the cashier lady.

β€œNo, that’s my wife.”

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