Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cold Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Itโs as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
๐ ๐ ๐
As cold as a witchโs tit in a brass bra.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde crashed a helicopter.
The police officer asked her what happened.
She says, โIt got cold, so I turned off the fan.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
๐ ๐ ๐
It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
๐ ๐ ๐
It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
๐ ๐ ๐
Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnโt wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, โDidnโt you like the muffs?โ
The Foreman said, โTheyโre a thing of beauty.โ
โWhy donโt you wear them?โ The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, โI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnโt hear him! Never again, never again!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโs lack of insulation.
โIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
โFor the past 30 years,โ he muttered, โtheyโve gone to Florida for the winter.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so cold, I farted snowflakes.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
๐ ๐ ๐
A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesnโt know any of the peopleโs traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, โYes. Better start gathering firewood.โ
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, โApparently, itโs going to be pretty cold this year.โ
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say โYes! Apparently, itโs going to be even colder than we previously thought.โ
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him itโs probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, โI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Girlfriend: โExcuse me, could you please close that window? Itโs terribly cold outside.โ
Boyfriend: โAnd you seriously think itโs going to get any warmer outside when I close it?!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
๐ ๐ ๐
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why theyโre happy.
They tell him, โWell, weโre so sick of the cold where weโre from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโs boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadiansโ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what theyโre doing.
โWell, we canโt pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ
Satan realizes heโs been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโs at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows heโs won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, โWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ
They look at him and shout at the same time, โHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
๐ ๐ ๐
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
๐ ๐ ๐
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
Theyโre normally around 90 degrees.
๐ ๐ ๐
A couple goes to the cinema.
โTwo tickets, please,โ says the man.
โHobbit?โ asks the cashier lady.
โNo, thatโs my wife.โ
๐ ๐ ๐