Clock Jokes



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Clock Jokes


Your ears are so big you don’t need an alarm clock.

You can hear the sun come up in the morning.

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.

A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.

The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”

The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”

The American asks, “How do you know that?”

The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”

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What do you call a clock on the moon?

A lunar-tick!

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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.

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What would you call the alarm clock, which always goes off at 2 am every day?

A ringing nightmare.

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What’s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

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