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Funny Jokes: Clean and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Clean Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



You might be a barrel racer if:

ยท Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

ยท You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

ยท You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

ยท Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

ยท Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see heโ€™d suffered some rough life.

โ€œHave you been in any accidents lately?โ€ he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โ€œNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t call those accidents?โ€ said the doctor with incredulity.

โ€œNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, โ€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโ€™s barrel racing there.โ€

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โ€œBarb, youโ€™ve been my best friend for many years. If itโ€™s at all possible, Iโ€™ll do this favor for you.โ€

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โ€œBarb, Barb.โ€

โ€œWho is it?โ€ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โ€œWho is it?โ€

โ€œBarb, itโ€™s me, Rose.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not Rose. Rose just died.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m telling you, itโ€™s me, Rose,โ€ insisted the voice.

โ€œRose! Where are you?โ€

โ€œIn Heaven,โ€ replied Rose. โ€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ€

โ€œTell me the good news first,โ€ said Barb.

โ€œThe good news,โ€ Rose said, โ€œis that thereโ€™s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโ€™re all young again. Better still, itโ€™s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fantastic,โ€ said Barb. โ€œItโ€™s beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re up here in the slack on Friday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

โ€œIs this horse unsound?โ€ they asked.

โ€œNot a bit,โ€ said the owner.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ asked the stewards, โ€œwhy have you never raced him before?โ€ โ€œMister,โ€ said the man from Idaho, โ€œwe couldnโ€™t even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horseโ€™s trainer meets him before the race and says, โ€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โ€œALLLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly in the horseโ€™s ear. Providing you do that, youโ€™ll be fine.โ€

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainerโ€™s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โ€œAleeee ooopโ€ in the horseโ€™s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โ€œItโ€™s no good, Iโ€™ll have to do it.โ€ And yells, โ€œALLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, โ€œNothing is wrong with me. Itโ€™s this bloody horse. What is he โ€” deaf or something?โ€

The trainer replies, โ€œDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโ€™s not deaf โ€” heโ€™ blind!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโ€™s mouth just as a steward walked by.

โ€œWhat was that?โ€ inquired the steward.

โ€œOh nothing,โ€ said the trainer, โ€œjust a poloโ€.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โ€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

โ€œHold onโ€, says the Rabbi, โ€œyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

โ€œYou got to ride him to win,โ€ the trainer says, โ€œbecause Iโ€™ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ€

โ€œWill there be any room for me?โ€ the jockey asks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œYouโ€™ll win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œI think my momโ€™s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.โ€

Friend 2: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Friend 1: โ€œSheโ€™s learning to drive a bulldozer.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sunday school teacher: โ€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ€

Johnny: โ€œNo, maโ€™am, I donโ€™t have to. My momโ€™s a good cook.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on the phone with my wife and said, โ€œIโ€™m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ€

After a twenty second pause, I asked, โ€œYou still there sweetheart?โ€

She replied, โ€œYeah... but I donโ€™t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnโ€™t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, โ€œJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ€

Little Johnny quickly replied, โ€œNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโ€™s back and says:

โ€œCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโ€™re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโ€™re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโ€™t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ€

The wife stares at her husband:

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with you?! You think I canโ€™t fry a few eggs?!โ€

The husband answers calmly:

โ€œI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโ€™m driving.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...

Getting up off the floor is another story.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Some people wake up finding messages like โ€œGood morning babyโ€.

I wake up with โ€œBattery full, Remove chargerโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, โ€œI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iโ€™m pregnant with triplets!โ€

โ€œI got mine done yesterday too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œIโ€™m pregnant with septuplets!โ€

โ€œI think Iโ€™ll get my ultrasound done next week,โ€ says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, โ€œI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was โ€˜The Three Little Pigsโ€™.โ€

โ€œI got Disney+ last month too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œThe first movie I watched on it was โ€˜Snow White and the Seven Dwarfsโ€™.โ€ When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

โ€œItโ€™s okay if you donโ€™t have Disney+,โ€ says Heather.

โ€œI do have it,โ€ says Martha. โ€œItโ€™s just that the first movie I watched on it was โ€˜101 Dalmatiansโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, โ€œExcuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?โ€

He replies, โ€œOh, we donโ€™t close on Sunday.โ€

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next day โ€” Sunday โ€” the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

โ€œHey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?โ€

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, โ€œWell, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, doctor! I see double!โ€

โ€œSit on the chair please.โ€

โ€œWhich one?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes into the doctors and says, โ€œDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ€

And the doctor says, โ€œCan you describe the symptoms.โ€

And he says, โ€œYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve swallowed my money!โ€

Take this, and weโ€™ll see if thereโ€™s any change in the morning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve broken my arm in three places!โ€

Well, stop going to those places then.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œGood night, kids!โ€

Kids: โ€œGood night, dad!โ€

Me: โ€œGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ€

Wife (through radio under the bed): โ€œGood night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marleyโ€™s head.

โ€œHow you like it?โ€ asked the barber.

โ€œReal fine,โ€ said the redneck. โ€œBut how about making it a little longer in the back?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didnโ€™t buy it and he certainly didnโ€™t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe itโ€™s Pharaoh Roche.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I asked her.

She replied, โ€œThis jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ€

I said, โ€œOkay, how about in the fridge?โ€

She said โ€œNo, silly, thereโ€™s a little light inside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: โ€œDo you deny this?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œNo, your honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œDo you have any coins?โ€

Homeless man: โ€œJust a few quarters, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œGive them here.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œYour Honor, theyโ€™re all I have!โ€

Judge: โ€œThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.โ€

Homeless man: โ€œVery well.โ€ Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: โ€œPay close attention.โ€ Drops coins on the table. โ€œDid you hear that?โ€

Stand owner: โ€œYes, your Honor.โ€

Judge: โ€œExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my dad I couldnโ€™t believe Iโ€™d failed my biology exam.

He said , โ€œIโ€™m your mum!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

Heโ€™s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

โ€“ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

โ€“ Doesnโ€™t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

โ€“ Has great packaging.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?

At home by not going out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโ€™re in trouble, you can cry on it when youโ€™re in pain, you can embrace it when youโ€™re happy.

So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, did you ever fall in love?โ€

โ€œYes, son. I did once.โ€

โ€œAnd, what happened?โ€

โ€œIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The other day my friend messaged by saying, โ€œBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ€

I told him to combine them.

He replied with, โ€œYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never laugh at your girlfriendโ€™s choices. Youโ€™re one of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,

Fajitas &

Tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Priest: Donโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to Hell.โ€ Alcoholic: โ€œOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and putโ€™s out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€ Priest: โ€œShe too will go to Hell.โ€ Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: โ€œPut A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!โ€

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

The man blacked out with the machineโ€™s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,โ€ says the machine.

โ€œBut itโ€™s impossible!โ€ screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friendโ€™s mustache.

Now sheโ€™s not talking to me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny yells upstairs: โ€œDad, thereโ€™s a salesman here with a moustache.โ€

โ€œTell him Iโ€™ve got one.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโ€™re sinking into quicksand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

โ€œBehave, my bubaleh,โ€ she says.

โ€œTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ€

โ€œAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ€

โ€œYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ€

At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

โ€œSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ€

The boy answers, โ€œI learned my name is David.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The computer programmer to his son:

โ€œHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ€

Son:

โ€œThank you, daddy, but where is the userโ€™s guide?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnโ€™t believe the network traffic.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Day 1:

Thisโ€™ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.

Day 8:

Engages in conversation with a lamp...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Working from home. Day 6.

Client: โ€œNo! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.โ€

Me: โ€œMoooom!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home. You could say I now work undercover.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spiderman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Co-worker asked me, โ€œIf Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?โ€

Your Parents when you move out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

โ€œHe must be up to something,โ€ he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

โ€œHow did he recover so quickly?โ€ Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.

Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.

โ€œHow can this be?!โ€ Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, โ€œWhat are you doing here, Joker?!โ€

And he replies, โ€œIโ€™m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.

They said, โ€œNo, just until the end of June.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend said Iโ€™m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Albertโ€™s retirement party presentation.

โ€œToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t retirees mind being called seniors?

The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing to put in a donut?

Your teeth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman asks a waiter, โ€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ€

The waiter says, โ€œShivering, madam.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, โ€œ1 enemy ship on the horizon.โ€

The captain says, โ€œBring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die.โ€

So the watchman comes to him and asks, โ€œWhy did you want your red shirt?โ€

The captain says, โ€œBecause if I get injured they wonโ€™t see and keep on fighting.โ€

So the watchman comes to him again and says, โ€œ20 enemy ships on the horizon.โ€

The captain says, โ€œBring me my brown pants.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the peg-leg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into the doctorโ€™s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, โ€œDoc, this is terrible. Whatโ€™s wrong with me?โ€

The doctor says, โ€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, โ€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ€

He said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ€

She said, โ€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ€

He said, โ€œWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโ€™re OK.โ€

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ€™ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ€™ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Olโ€™ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโ€™t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโ€™s ear.

She said, โ€œMrs. Grim, Olโ€™ Spot just died.โ€

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, โ€œThatโ€™s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโ€™ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโ€™s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ€

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โ€œI think everything will be fine now,โ€ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โ€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Olโ€™Spot never even stopped.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three women escape from prison โ€” a blonde and two brunettes โ€” and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house.

Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โ€œThereโ€™s just three burlap sacks in here!โ€

To which his partner replies, โ€œThen kick them just to be sure itโ€™s not them hidingโ€.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โ€œMEEEYYOWW!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, its just a stupid cat in there.โ€

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โ€œRUUFFF RUFFF!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid dog!โ€

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โ€œPOTATOES!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which theyโ€™d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, โ€œI wouldnโ€™t eat that if I were you.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€

โ€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t blondes eat bananas?

They canโ€™t find the zipper.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, โ€œGIVE US YER LOOT!โ€

They were both blonds.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.

He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.

It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her, โ€œWhere did you come from? How did you get here?โ€

โ€œI rowed from the other side of the island,โ€ she said. โ€œI landed here when my cruise ship sank.โ€

โ€œAmazing,โ€ he said. โ€œI didnโ€™t know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.โ€

โ€œIts only me,โ€ she said, โ€œand the rowboat didnโ€™t wash up, nothing did.โ€

He was confused, โ€œThen how did you get the rowboat?โ€

โ€œOh, simple,โ€ replied the woman. โ€œI made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.โ€

โ€œB-B-But thatโ€™s impossible,โ€ stuttered the man. โ€œYou had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?โ€

โ€œOh, that was no problem,โ€ replied the woman. โ€œOn the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.โ€ โ€œBut enough of that,โ€ she said. โ€œWhere do you live?โ€

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

โ€œWell, letโ€™s row over to my place, then.โ€ she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, โ€œItโ€™s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?โ€

โ€œNo, no thank you,โ€ he said, still dazed. โ€œI canโ€™t take any more coconut juice.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s not coconut juice,โ€ the woman replied. โ€œI have a still. How about a Pina Colada?โ€

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, โ€œIโ€™m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.โ€

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto itโ€™s end.

โ€œThis woman is amazing,โ€ he thought. โ€œWhat next?โ€

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

โ€œTell me,โ€ she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, โ€œweโ€™ve been out here for a very long time. Youโ€™ve been lonely. Thereโ€™s something Iโ€™m sure you really feel like doing right now, something youโ€™ve been longing for all these months. You know...โ€ She stared into his eyes.

He couldnโ€™t believe what he was hearing.

โ€œYou mean...โ€ he replied, โ€œI can check my Facebook from here?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โ€œDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ€

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

โ€œDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ€

The little boy nodded yes.

โ€œSo,โ€ the coach continued, โ€œIโ€™m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโ€™t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ€

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, โ€œAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโ€™s not good sportsmanship to call your coach โ€œa worthless idiotโ€ is it?โ€ Again the little boy nodded.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the coach. โ€œNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Coach: โ€œYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ€

Football Player: โ€œCoach, It is just not true!โ€

Coach: โ€œWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ€

Football player: โ€œCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, โ€œOh, nothing. Itโ€™s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ€

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โ€œGee, I never knew you played football.โ€

I said, โ€œWell, I donโ€™t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Look up โ€œribโ€ in the dictionary and it says โ€œTo vex, irritate or annoyโ€.

Look up โ€œribโ€ in the Bible and it says โ€œWomanโ€.

Coincidence?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoโ€™s Pizza:

Customer: โ€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, itโ€™s just bread!โ€

Dominoโ€™s: โ€œWeโ€™re sorry to hear about this.โ€

Customer (minutes later): โ€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, โ€œHow much money do you make a week?โ€

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, โ€œI make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?โ€

The CEO said, โ€œWait right here.โ€

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, โ€œHereโ€™s four weeksโ€™ pay. Now GET OUT and donโ€™t come back.โ€

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, โ€œDoes anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?โ€

From across the room a voice said, โ€œSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy from Dominoโ€™s and was just waiting to collect the money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pizza Man: โ€œDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?โ€ Customer: โ€œYou better make it six. I donโ€™t think I can eat eight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, โ€œForget everything you learned in college. You wonโ€™t need it working here.โ€

โ€œBut I never went to college,โ€ I replied.

โ€œWell then, Iโ€™m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,โ€ he said, as he showed me the door.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde worked as office assistants for Mrs. Jessell.

They realized that Mrs. Jessell was leaving work early every day, so one day they decided that when she left early, theyโ€™d sneak out a few minutes later.

Minutes after Mrs. Jessell left, they all did the same.

The brunette took a nap.

The redhead got ready for a date.

The blonde went over to her boyfriends house. When she walked in, she saw Mrs. Jessell and her boyfriend smooching on the couch. She backed out the door without them noticing her, feeling very shaky.

The next afternoon, after Mrs. Jessell left work early, the brunette and redhead said they were going to go home as well. But the still shaky blond decided to stay behind.

โ€œWhy?โ€ they asked her.

โ€œBecause,โ€ she replied, โ€œyesterday I almost got caught!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danikaโ€™s exam paper?

Because when Danika said โ€œI donโ€™t knowโ€, Shohag said โ€œMe neitherโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.

Mary: โ€œWow, that is some cold you have, Liz.โ€

Liz: โ€œTell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.โ€

Mary: โ€œTry some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and youโ€™ll be fine. Here ya go.โ€

Liz: โ€œThanks, Iโ€™ll give it a try.โ€

Next Day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: โ€œLiz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?โ€

Liz: โ€œOh No, I still donโ€™t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, โ€œWho owns the property?โ€

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, โ€œIโ€™m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.โ€

The old gentleman says, โ€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, donโ€™t go into that field over yonder,โ€ pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer, โ€œMister, Iโ€™m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.โ€

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boyโ€™s face, โ€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that Iโ€™m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.โ€

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where heโ€™d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bullโ€™s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the fieldโ€™s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, โ€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I love summer in Canada!

Itโ€™s my favorite day of the year!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do SEOโ€™s love the farmers market?

Lots of organic content!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, โ€œMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of ยฃ1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to ยฃ1,100.โ€

The student said, โ€œI see. The ethics question is โ€˜Do I tell the client?โ€™โ€

โ€œWrong answer! The question is โ€˜Do I tell my partner?โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayโ€™s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

โ€œDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, โ€œDidnโ€™t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?โ€

The businessman replies, โ€œThatโ€™s the accountant weโ€™re looking for.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you donโ€™t understand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

โ€œDoctor, I just canโ€™t get to sleep at night,โ€ he says.

โ€œHave you tried counting sheep?โ€ inquires the doctor.

โ€œThatโ€™s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, โ€œYour name?โ€

โ€œJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.โ€

โ€œOh, you stutter?โ€

โ€œNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the bank, I told the cashier, โ€œI would like to open a joint account.โ€

He asked, โ€œWith whom?โ€

I answered, โ€œWith whomsoever has lots of money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self wonโ€™t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

โ€œSpare some loose change?โ€ asks the bum.

โ€œAnd why should I do that?โ€ asks the accountant.

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m broke. Havenโ€™t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,โ€ says the bum.

โ€œI see,โ€ says the accountant. โ€œAnd how does this compare to the same quarter last year?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well I did it! Bank balance: 911!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, โ€œHow do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!โ€

The CA friend replied coolly, โ€œJust tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.โ€

โ€œWow! Thanks for the tip,โ€ said the doctor.

Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: โ€œConsulting charges for Business Developmentโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโ€™s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my wife, โ€œWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ€

She said, โ€œSomewhere I have never been!โ€

I told her, โ€œHow about the kitchen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโ€™t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโ€™s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โ€œI have a confession.โ€

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โ€œDarling, so do I.โ€

Recoiling, he says, โ€œDonโ€™t tell meโ€”youโ€™ve eaten my socks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, โ€œMy door is always open!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home it was toast!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the north pole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

โ€œWho is it?โ€ a passenger asks the captain.

โ€œI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โ€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An onion just told me a joke.

I donโ€™t know whether to laugh or cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

Thatโ€™s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

โ€œForty three,โ€ says one. General hilarity.

โ€œTwo hundred and threeโ€, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

โ€œThree hundred and twenty nine,โ€ says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

โ€œNinety-oneโ€, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, โ€œThree hundred and one.โ€ Not a titter.

โ€œForty two.โ€ A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

โ€œNothing,โ€ he says. โ€œItโ€™s just the way you tell them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde buys two horses and she canโ€™t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horseโ€™s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she canโ€™t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, โ€œThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, โ€œYour money or your life!โ€

The student keeps walking, and says, โ€œSorry mate, Iโ€™m a Computer Science student. I donโ€™t have either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was the first day of school.

Harryโ€™s mother went into his bedroom and said, โ€œCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to go to school,โ€ replied Harry, โ€œI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ answered his mother, โ€œyouโ€™re a teacher!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When you walk in to class and your teacher says โ€œTake a seatโ€.

Response: โ€œWhere do you want me to take it to?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnโ€™t need it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say โ€œYou shall not pass!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In high school, teachers had to raise up their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The judge rose from the bench and said, โ€œMadam, Iโ€™ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.โ€

Then he smiled as he said, โ€œNow, sit down at that table and write 500 times โ€˜I will not pass through a red light.โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโ€™t let me sleep in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I said to my teacher, โ€œI donโ€™t think I deserved zero for this exam.โ€

She said, โ€œI agree, but I couldnโ€™t give you any less.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says โ€œSpit your gum out!โ€ and the train says โ€œChew, chew!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, โ€œAnd what starting salary are you looking for?โ€

The engineer replies, โ€œIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.โ€

The interviewer inquires, โ€œWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?โ€

The engineer sits up straight and says, โ€œWow! Are you kidding?โ€

The interviewer replies, โ€œYeah, but you started it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boss: โ€œDo you believe in life after death?โ€

Employee: โ€œNo, because there is no proof of it.โ€

Boss: โ€œWell there is now!โ€

Employee: โ€œHow?โ€

Boss: โ€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโ€™s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, โ€œI can make the boss give me the day off.โ€

The man replies, โ€œAnd how would you do that?โ€

The woman says, โ€œJust wait and see.โ€

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, โ€œWhat are you doing?โ€

The woman replies, โ€œIโ€™m a light bulb.โ€

The boss then says, โ€œYouโ€™ve been working so much that youโ€™ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.โ€

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, โ€œWhere are you going?โ€

The man says, โ€œIโ€™m going home, too. I canโ€™t work in the dark.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weโ€™ll see about that.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Out instead?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, โ€œTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ€

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, โ€œTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ€

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, โ€œTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ€

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, โ€œIs that you, Lord?โ€

The voice answered, โ€œNO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

โ€‹

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math Teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I complained to my Maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never fight a math teacher. Youโ€™ll always be outnumbered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


85% of people in America donโ€™t know basic math.

Thanks God Iโ€™m from the other 25%.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, Iโ€™m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your โ€œxโ€. Just accept the fact that sheโ€™s gone. Move on dude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโ€™s imaginary.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHorsp.โ€

โ€œHorsp, who?โ€

Did you just say โ€œhorse poo?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the owner name his racehorse โ€œBad Newsโ€?

Because bad news travels fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ€

โ€œWho was in the race?โ€

โ€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโ€™re at the door to congratulate me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why canโ€™t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.

It was the guy in the booth behind her.

โ€œNot so loud!โ€ he said.

โ€œWhat?โ€ she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.

โ€œI said not so loud!โ€ was his muffled reply.

Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.

โ€œHow was your day?โ€ questioned the man from behind once again.

โ€œPretty good,โ€ responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.

โ€œDid you pass the exam?โ€ came the next question from behind.

โ€œI donโ€™t know, I didnโ€™t get my grade yet,โ€ replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.

โ€œIโ€™ll have to call you back when Iโ€™m out of hereโ€, came the voice from behind once again, โ€œsome nut job is answering every question I ask you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, โ€œIโ€™ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

The librarian says, โ€œMaโ€™am this is library.โ€

So the blonde leans in and whispers, โ€œIโ€™d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate when Iโ€™m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Age is important only if youโ€™re cheese and wine.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, โ€œOrder!โ€

So I replied, โ€œFried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.โ€

Now Iโ€™m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess whoโ€™s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

โ€œCome on, ketch-up!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?

It was pointless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Diet Day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeareโ€™s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

โ€œHello.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the longest word in the English language?

โ€œSmilesโ€. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โ€œMira el mosca.โ€

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โ€œNo, senor, โ€œla moscaโ€, es feminina.โ€

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โ€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

Theyโ€™re normally around 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โ€œI think weโ€™ll have to call it a day. Thereโ€™s no way weโ€™re getting it inside.โ€

The neighbor looks at him slowly, โ€œWait, inside?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why shouldnโ€™t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โ€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ€

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โ€œBecause people are sleeping!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because itโ€™s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play โ€” youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, โ€œI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.โ€

โ€œPop, what are you talking about?!โ€ the son screams.

โ€œWe canโ€™t stand the sight of each other any longer,โ€ the old man says.

โ€œWeโ€™re sick and tired of each other, and Iโ€™m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.โ€ And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

โ€œLike Heck theyโ€™re getting a divorce,โ€ she shouts. โ€œIโ€™ll take care of this.โ€

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, โ€œYou are NOT getting divorced! Donโ€™t do a single thing until I get there. Iโ€™m calling my brother back and weโ€™ll both be there tomorrow. Until then donโ€™t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!โ€ And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

โ€œTheyโ€™re coming for Easter and paying their own way.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldnโ€™t fix.

I suggested, โ€œBreak its legs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses. I guess thatโ€™s why they moo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do anteaterโ€™s never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Itโ€™s very time consuming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m not an organ donor, but Iโ€™d be happy to give you my heart.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Are you an electrician? Because youโ€™re definitely lighting up my night!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What dance do all astronauts know?

The moonwalk.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon? Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œSpell.โ€

โ€œSpell, who?โ€

โ€œOkay, okay: W. H. O.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWho's there?โ€

โ€œHo, ho.โ€

โ€œHo ho, who?โ€

โ€œYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWho's there?โ€

โ€œFBI.โ€

โ€œFB...โ€

โ€œWe're asking the questions here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to a ladyโ€™s door.

She answers and he says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโ€™d like to replace it.โ€

The woman says, โ€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one flea say to the other?

โ€œShall we walk or take the cat?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man asked his wife, โ€œWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ€

She said, โ€œIโ€™d love to be ten again.โ€

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, โ€œWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ€ One eye opened and she groaned, โ€œActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why shouldnโ€™t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?

Theyโ€™re not ripe yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Is your dad an alien because your out of this world.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is an aliens favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do aliens not like visiting earth very often?

Because it is rated only one star.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, youโ€™ll be a mile away and youโ€™ll have their shoes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norrisโ€™s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris doesnโ€™t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The dad says, โ€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ€

The kid replies, โ€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are synagogues round?

So the Jewโ€™s canโ€™t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players donโ€™t yell โ€œFore!โ€ they yell โ€œ$3.99!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โ€œHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œSomebody just gave me a shower radio.โ€

โ€œDo you really want music in the shower?โ€

โ€œI guess thereโ€™s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is a piano so hard to open?

Because the keys are on the inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauperโ€™s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, โ€œDo you know, fancy that, Iโ€™ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years and I ainโ€™t never seen anything like that.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit.

The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop.

The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance.

There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink.

She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic โ€œA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weโ€™ll pay you $1,000 if we failโ€.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my sense of taste.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œThis is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: โ€œI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Doctor: โ€œBut that is Gasoline!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ€

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: โ€œMy eyesight has become weak.โ€

Engineer: โ€œNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s eyes.โ€

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: โ€œWait, thatโ€™s the box with the gasoline in it!โ€

Engineer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your vision back! That will be $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, โ€œSon, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. Itโ€™s been 4 days, Iโ€™m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The boss said I should go home because I really donโ€™t look good.

I donโ€™t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Theyโ€™re all girls! If they were boys, theyโ€™d be uncles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, โ€œIโ€™ll have an H2O please.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes,โ€ intones the genie.

โ€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ€ the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

โ€œAnd for your other two wishes?โ€

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โ€œGive me two more just like this one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Thereโ€™s no menuโ€”you get what you deserve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You canโ€™t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, heโ€™d fall down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do not be racist, be like Mario.

Heโ€™s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?

Then why arenโ€™t you laughing!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Daisy: โ€œWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโ€™s blue, but the other is green.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œIโ€™m not sure. Itโ€™s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnnyโ€™s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โ€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ€

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โ€œWell miss, you canโ€™t say that you werenโ€™t warned.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

โ€œMama, look what I found,โ€ the boy called out.

โ€œWhat have you got there, dear?โ€

With astonishment in the young boyโ€™s voice, he answered, โ€œI think itโ€™s Adamโ€™s underwear!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If God really made everythingโ€ฆ

Heโ€™s Chinese, right?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

โ€œWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.โ€

Watson replied, โ€œI see millions of stars.โ€

โ€œWhat does that tell you?โ€

Watson pondered for a minute.

โ€œAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?โ€

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

โ€œWatson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two friends talking:

โ€œHey, can I borrow some money? Iโ€™m broke.โ€

โ€œGet money from your job.โ€

โ€œI got fired.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldnโ€™t manage it.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€

โ€œWell after I drank my bath I didnโ€™t have room for the medicine!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โ€œMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ€

โ€œIs this her first child?โ€ the doctor responds.

The man replies, โ€œNo! This is her husband!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?โ€

โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œGreat! I never could before!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I havenโ€™t fit in my pants since March.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Are you wi-fi? Cause Iโ€™m totally feeling a connection.

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Youโ€™re so sweet you must be made out of chocolate.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?

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Is your name Google? Because you have everything Iโ€™m searching for.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do the seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then itโ€™s a soap opera.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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Knock! Knock!ย

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€ ย

โ€œAmish.โ€ย

โ€œAmish, who?โ€ ย

โ€œReally? You donโ€™t look like a shoe!โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œNo thanks, but Iโ€™d love some peanuts.โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œInterrupting cow.โ€

โ€œInterrup...โ€

โ€œMoooooooo!โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œTank.โ€

โ€œTank, who?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re welcome!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?

Inflation.

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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.

One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: โ€œLook! Thatโ€™s the moon over there!โ€

The other one says: โ€œNo, thatโ€™s the sun!โ€

The first one: โ€œNo, itโ€™s the moon!โ€

The other one, again: โ€œNo, itโ€™s the sun!โ€

After arguing for a while, the โ€œsmartโ€ one says: โ€œLetโ€™s go to that house over there and ask, whatโ€™s right!โ€

They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.

The โ€œsmartโ€ one asks: โ€œExcuse us, can you tell us, whether itโ€™s the sun or the moon in the sky?โ€

The blonde looks and says: โ€œI wouldnโ€™t know! Iโ€™ve only been living here for two weeks!โ€

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Why is the moon constantly moody?

Sheโ€™s just going through a phase.

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What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

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Why didnโ€™t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didnโ€™t have the stomach for it!

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What do you call a witchโ€™s garage?

A broom closet.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When youโ€™re a mouse.

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Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

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Why donโ€™t mummies have friends?

Because theyโ€™re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500 pound alien go?

On a diet.

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Teacher: โ€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?โ€

Student: โ€œMy fatherโ€™s checkbook.โ€

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.โ€

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I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, โ€œAnd what would you like for Christmas?โ€

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, โ€œDidn't you get my E-mail?โ€

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Why does the programmer think the Grinchโ€™s attitude isnโ€™t bad?

He says itโ€™s in beta.

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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.

So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, โ€œMay I try on that dress in the window, please?โ€

โ€œCertainly not, madamโ€, responded the salesgirl, โ€œYouโ€™ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.โ€

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What goes โ€œOh, Oh, Ohโ€?

Santa walking backwards!

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

โ€œIs there anything breakable in here?โ€, asked the postal clerk.

โ€œOnly the Ten Commandmentsโ€, answered the lady.

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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, โ€œI want to be gorgeous.โ€

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the manโ€™s turn came, he laughed and said, โ€œI wish they were all ugly again.โ€

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Why didnโ€™t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, โ€œI canโ€™t get the mower to start!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s because you have to curse to get it started,โ€ says the man.

โ€œIโ€™m a man of the cloth. I donโ€™t even remember how to curse.โ€

โ€œYou keep pulling on that rope, and itโ€™ll come back to you.โ€

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Which king liked to do things on his own?

Solo-mon.

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โ€œHow did you manage to do that?โ€

โ€œI once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.โ€

โ€œBut why?โ€

โ€œWell, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, weโ€™d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.โ€

โ€œAnd how do those four-legged chickens taste like?โ€

โ€œNo idea, never been able to catch one.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bula decides itโ€™s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Yearโ€™s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: โ€œWell, howโ€™s the business going?โ€

Bula: โ€œBad brother, sorry about everything!โ€

Johnny: โ€œWhy?โ€

Bula: โ€œI donโ€™t have any chickens anymore!โ€

Johnny: โ€œGood god, why?โ€

Bula: โ€œIf I know, I think Iโ€™m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโ€™t water them enough, but one doesnโ€™t raise the hen.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Psychiatrist: โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€

Patient: โ€œI think I'm a chicken.โ€

Psychiatrist: โ€œHow long has this been going on?โ€

Patient: โ€œEver since I came out of my shell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats hate laptops?

They donโ€™t have a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, โ€œAww, I wish my friends were here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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When I was born I was so surprised I didnโ€™t talk for a year and a half.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used to be a boy trapped in a womanโ€™s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Forget about the past, you canโ€™t change it.

Forget about the future, you canโ€™t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didnโ€™t get you one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who canโ€™t.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are colds bad criminals?

Because theyโ€™re easy to catch.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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