Enjoy our team's carefully selected Clean Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
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If you ever name your kid Autumn...
Whenever they go out of the room, start singing โThe Autumn Leaves...โ.
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Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
Itโs autumn-atic.
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National Pride Day should be September 21.
September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.
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A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
I didnโt fall for it!
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Whatโs the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, theyโd be so ugly, weโd tear them all down.
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Software architects should never design high-security fences.
Theyโre likely to make them highly scalable.
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Lawyer: โEverybody hates lawyers until they need one.โ
Architect: โEverybody loves architects until they need one.โ
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Iโve been watching this anime about dentists. But itโs been getting boring.
Iโm a little tired of the filler episodes.
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Dog: โWhere are you going?โ
Ant: โMy step brotherโthe elephantโhas met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.
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Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didnโt know what to do.
He met an ant on the road and told him his problem.
Ant said, โDonโt worry. Just hide behind me!โ
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, โWould you like to play?โ
โSure,โ replies the elephant.
โSo, whatโs your favorite game?โ the ant inquires.
โSquash,โ says the elephant.
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Why canโt you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You canโt take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
Heโll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
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โHow long has your unit been broken?โ says the specialist.
โTwo weeks,โ says the customer.
โWhy did you wait so long?โ says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.โ
โMy in-laws were here,โ said the customer. โThey wanted to stay for a month.โ
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A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.
He has a lot of fans.
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
Itโs AI is 20 years ahead of itโs time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
Itโs called โGo outside and ride your bike!โ.
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say itโs an auto-biography.
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Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
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An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayerโs Rock.
The witch doctor says, โYou bloody fool, didnโt you see the sign by the cash register that says โNO RETURNSโ.โ
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Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?
But the line was always busy.
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
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On Teachersโ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachersโ Day evening and says, โCan I have a beer.โ
The barman says, โI donโt know, can you?โ
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Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachersโ Day party?
In Pencilvania.
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On the occasion of Teachersโ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: โNeil, what do you want to be when you grow up?โ
Neil: โSir, I want to be just like you.โ
Teacher, impressed: โAnd why is that?โ
Neil: โBecause even I love doing nothing.โ
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Teacher: โClass! We will have only half a day of school this morning due to Teachersโ Day.โ
Class: โHooorraaaayyy!โ
Teacher: โWe will have the other half, this afternoon.โ
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How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachersโ Day?
She only had one pupil!
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachersโ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his studentsโ essays to grade and drove off.
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How is Teachersโ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
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Why was the teacher late for school on Teachersโ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
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Bit nervous about my maths exam.
Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.
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Teacher: โIn the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.โ
Pupil: โHow long for the answers, sir?โ
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Teacher: โI hope I didnโt see you looking at Timโs exam paper.โ
Pupil: โI hope you didnโt see me either!โ
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In your 20s: dress like youโre on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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No woman should have kids after 40.
Really, 40 kids is more than enough!
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The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.
The first man walked in, gave his name and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.
He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.
The newcomer said to the first guy, โWell, I guess weโre in the Marine Corps now!โ
The first guy said, โSon, lemme tell you about the old Corps.โ
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Akpos: โWhy are all these people running?โ
Man: โThis is a race, the winner will get the cup.โ
Akpos: โIf only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?โ
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A teacher lecturing on population said, โIn the world, after every 10 seconds, a woman gives birth to a kid.โ
Akpos stood up and said, โWe must find and stop her!โ
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โItโs your birthday? How old are you?โ asks the manโs friend.
โIโm seven and one-seventh,โ replies the man.
โHowโs that, you look about 50 to me?โ asks the friend.
โEvery time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!โ
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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasnโt mine.
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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, โHey, thatโs not yo cheese.โ
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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, โMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?โ
The boy says, โNo mommy, itโs nacho cheese.โ
His mother says, โAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.โ
โI know,โ says the boy, โbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, โHey, thatโs nacho cheese!โโ
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This is ridiculous. Itโs July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
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An employeeโs monthly salary was typically 2500$. However, one month, he received 2700$ and decided to remain silent about the discrepancy. The following month, his paycheck only amounted to 2300$, prompting him to march directly to the HR manager to voice his complaint.
The HR manager, somewhat puzzled, inquired why there hadnโt been a complaint the previous month when an extra 200 had been received.
With a slight smirk, the individual responded, โIโm usually one to forgive the first mistake, but I simply canโt tolerate it when a second one is made.โ
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HR: โThis is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.โ
Employee: โDonโt worry, Iโm equally ashamed of it.โ
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Employee: โYour careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?โ
HR: โThat means your salary will be competing with your bills.โ
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverโs license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
โCan you read this?โ the optician asked.
โWhat do you mean if I can read this?โ the Polish guy replied, โI know the dude.โ
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Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?
The first telephone Pole.
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What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they canโt spell toboggan.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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I tried to get insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, โIf your tent gets destroyed, you wonโt be covered.โ
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I said to the gym teacher, โCan you teach me to do the splits?โ
He said, โHow flexible are you?โ
I said, โI canโt make Tuesdays.โ
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I joined a gym and said to the trainer, โI want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?โ
He said, โTry the ATM outside.โ
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A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered something to eat.
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My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didnโt see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
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I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...
I could hardly close my suitcase.
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
โSo you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.โ
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
โWhat happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?โ asks the first.
โThis joke is just so hilarious! Actually, itโs so good that Iโll save it for later!โ answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
โAre you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?โ asks worried the first.
โYeah, but this one is soooooo good, Iโll save it for when we finish,โ answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, โSo, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?โ
Still breathless, the other replies, โHey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.โ
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A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she wonโt admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While sheโs standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, โWhatโs for dinner, dear?โ
When thereโs no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again thereโs no response, so he moves right to his wifeโs shoulder and asks, โWhatโs for dinner, dear?โ
At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, โFor the third time, sausages!โ
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โDoctor,โ a man told his psychiatrist, โmy wife thinks Iโm crazy because I like sausages.โ
โThatโs nonsense,โ said the psychiatrist. โI like sausages myself.โ
โYou do!โ the man shrieked. โYou should come and see my collection, Iโve got thousands!โ
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I canโt read anything.
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, โHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Iโll help you get the wagon up later.โ
โThatโs mighty nice of you,โ Willis answered, โbut I donโt think Pa would like me to.โ
โAw, come on, boy,โ the farmer insisted.
โWell okay,โ the boy finally agreed, and added, โbut Pa wonโt like it.โ
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.
Willis: โI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.โ
โDonโt be foolish!โ the neighbor said with a smile. โBy the way, where is he?โ
Willis: โUnder the wagon.โ
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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and itโd be too farty.
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A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.
The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coinโฆ writing the answerโฆ flipping the coinโฆ writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.
The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, โListen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didnโt even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?โ
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), โShhh! I am checking my answers!โ
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My girlfriend isnโt talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
Iโm not sure how. I didnโt even know it was her birthday.
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Iโve opened three birthday cards, and Iโm already $150 up.
I love being a postman!
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When I went out for a curry last week, I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.
So I asked for a clean one.
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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied, โItโs a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.โ
The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, โGood trade.โ
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Did you know โVegetarianโ is a Native American word?
It means โLousy Hunterโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man and his family walk into a bar.
Inside the bar, the manโs youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating โWorldโs longest memoryโ.
The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
The child asks, โWhat did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?โ
The Native American states, โEggs.โ
The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.
Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, โHow!โ
The Native American replies, โScrambled.โ
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, โIโve got to take you in, sir. Youโre obviously drunk.โ
The wasted wino asked, โOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iโm drunk?โ
Yeah, buddy, Iโm sure,โ said the copper. โLetโs go.โ
Obviously relieved, the wino said, โThatโs a reliefโI thought I was a cripple.โ
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they canโt hear a word youโre saying!
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What do you call someone whoโs happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didnโt want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, โWhy donโt you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
โSir,โ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โPlease slow down, thereโs a road crew up ahead.โ
โOkay,โ the driver whispers back, โIโll try not to wake them.โ
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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโs attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what heโs looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โIโm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ
To which the man replies surprised, โOh no no everythingโs fine! I just promised my wife Iโd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ
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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โLetโs get a beer.โ
The chihuahua walker complains, โThat would be great, but we canโt take our dogs in there.โ
The first responds, โWatch me.โ
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, โSorry, you canโt bring your dog in here.โ
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies.
โYeah, right,โ the bartender says, โA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ
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A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.
He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.
โWhy were you late?โ asked the boss.
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ
The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.
The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โWhy were you late?โ
The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ
The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.
Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ
The worker said, โNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ
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One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as โRockyโ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
โArenโt you the same โRockyโ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?โ I asked.
โYes,โ he replied, โbut now Iโm the sequel. Iโll be back three more times tonight too.โ
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Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, โA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ
โBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.โ
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Patient: โDoctor, I think that Iโve been bitten by a vampire.โ
Doctor: โDrink this glass of water.โ
Patient: โWill it make me better?โ
Doctor: โNo, but Iโll be able to see if your neck leaks.โ
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Doctor: โWhoโs my next patient?โ
Nurse: โMr. Ghost.โ
Doctor: โTell him I canโt see right now.โ
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Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.
He asked, โNice, how did you do it?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.โ
Dracula said, โVery good.โ
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.
Dracula was shocked, โHow did you do that?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.โ
Dracula said, โFantastic.โ
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.
Dracula couldnโt believe his eyes, โHow did you do that?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower?โ
Dracula said, โYes.โ
And the bat said, โI didnโt see it.โ
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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasnโt home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
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A blonde crashed a helicopter.
The police officer asked her what happened.
She says, โIt got cold, so I turned off the fan.โ
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnโt wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, โDidnโt you like the muffs?โ
The Foreman said, โTheyโre a thing of beauty.โ
โWhy donโt you wear them?โ The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, โI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnโt hear him! Never again, never again!โ
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโs lack of insulation.
โIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
โFor the past 30 years,โ he muttered, โtheyโve gone to Florida for the winter.โ
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Itโs so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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Itโs so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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Itโs so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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Itโs so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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Patient: โDoctor, doctor, I keep thinking Iโm a snowman!โ
Doctor: โKeep cool.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One snowman said to another, โIโd heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...โ
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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, โWhat do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?โ
The other one replied, โNo, people will think weโre trying to break in.โ
The other one said, โWell, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?โ
The other one answered, โNo, people will think weโre too stupid to use the coat hanger.โ
The other one said, โWell, we better think of something quick because itโs starting to rain and the sunroof is open.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One snowman asks another, โHow do you stay in such good shape?โ
He answers, โAll I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesnโt know any of the peopleโs traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, โYes. Better start gathering firewood.โ
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, โApparently, itโs going to be pretty cold this year.โ
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say โYes! Apparently, itโs going to be even colder than we previously thought.โ
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him itโs probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, โI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: โBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!โ
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: โNOW THERE ARE TWO!!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer. ย
Alexโa little boy of nineโwas playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, โWhatโve you got in your trailer?โ
โManure,โ farmer Smith replied.
โWhat are you going to do with it?โ asked Alex.
โPut it on my pumpkins,โ answered the farmer.
Alex replied, โYou ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.
When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.
She looked at it and said, โI donโt know how to use this.โ
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, โYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ
He said, โSure.โ
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, โThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ
The man heard her little prayer and replied, โLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, โAre you the owner?โ
The Pharmacist answers, โYes.โ
Jacob: โWeโre about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?โ
Pharmacist: โOf course we do.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for rheumatism?โ
Pharmacist: โDefinitely.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimerโs?โ
Pharmacist: โYes, a large variety. The works.โ
Jacob: โWhat about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsonโs disease?โ
Pharmacist: โAbsolutely.โ
Jacob: โEverything for heartburn and indigestion?โ
Pharmacist: โWe sure do.โ
Jacob: โYou sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?โ
Pharmacist: โAll speeds and sizes.โ
Jacob: โIn that case, weโd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, โWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ
He says, โDoctors orders.โ
โWhat do you mean by that?โ asks the barman.โ
โI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months Iโm protected against heartworms and fleas.
๐ ๐ ๐
A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, โHereโs a pill for English literature.โ
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
โWhat else do you have?โ asks the student.
โWell, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,โ replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, โDo you have a pill for math?โ
The pharmacist says, โWait just a moment,โ and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
โI have to take that huge pill for math?โ inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, โWell, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Lady says to pharmacist, โWhy does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?โ
Pharmacist replies, โCause thatโs all weโve documented so far.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.
He asks the pharmacist, โDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? Iโm a little hoarse.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
โBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,โ the pharmacist says. โDonโt worry,โ replies the patient. โIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The customer gets a topical cream.
Direction: Apply locally two times a day.
The customer says to the pharmacist, โI canโt apply locally, Iโm going overseas.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy walks into a pharmacy: โI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iโm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?โ
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
๐ ๐ ๐
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, โDo you have any acetylsalicylic acid?โ
โYou mean aspirin?โ asked the pharmacist.
โThatโs it! I can never remember that word.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
๐ ๐ ๐
Customer: โGive me a hot dog.โ
Waiter: โWith pleasure.โ
Customer: โNo, with sauerkraut!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
โGive me a couple of steaks,โ he says.
โWeโre out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,โ says the butcher.
โHot dogs and chicken?!โ yells the hunter. โHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Son: โDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ
Dad: โBecause your mother loves Roses.โ
Son: โOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ
Dad: โNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
๐ ๐ ๐
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โTake only one, God is watchingโ.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, โTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.
The judge is quite exasperated.
Judge to the homeless man: โDo you deny this?โ
Homeless man: โNo, your honor.โ
Judge: โDo you have any coins?โ
Homeless man: โJust a few quarters, your Honor.โ
Judge: โGive them here.โ
Homeless man: โYour Honor, theyโre all I have!โ
Judge: โThat may be so, but please just give me those coins.โ
Homeless man: โVery well.โ Hands over the coins.
Judge to the stand owner: โPay close attention.โ Drops coins on the table. โDid you hear that?โ
Stand owner: โYes, your Honor.โ
Judge: โExcellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I havenโt spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
๐ ๐ ๐
The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
๐ ๐ ๐
When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didnโt have any special powers, he just couldnโt get out of the bath without any assistance.
๐ ๐ ๐
Spider-Man 1: โHomecomingโ
Spider-Man 2: โFar from Homeโ
Spider-Man 3: โHomelessโ
๐ ๐ ๐
I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
๐ ๐ ๐
Golfer: โDo you think my game is improving?โ
Caddy: โYes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old manโs turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, โI really think Iโm leaving Dad at home next time!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.
๐ ๐ ๐
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
โWhatโs with that group of players? Theyโre the worst Iโve ever seen! Theyโre holding up the course!โ
The manager looks sheepish, โTheyโre retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.โ
The priest looks ashamed of himself, โAs a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, Iโll see if I can get a collection going for their families.โ
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, โSame here, Iโll check with my firm and see if we canโt open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.โ
The engineer says, โWhy canโt they play at night?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, โI ask you a question, and if you donโt know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.โ
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, โOkay, if you donโt know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I donโt know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.โ
This catches the blondeโs attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. โWhatโs the distance from the earth to the moon?โ
The blonde doesnโt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
โOkay,โ says the lawyer, โyour turn.โ
She asks the lawyer, โWhat goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?โ
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, โThank you,โ and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, โWell, whatโs the answer?โ
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
๐ ๐ ๐
Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, โWhich do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?โ
The other blonde turns and says, โHellooooooo, can you see Florida?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.
One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.
Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided heโd hide his treasure in the kingdomโs Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.
Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.
Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdomโs Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.
On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.
The king spots him and tells his guards, โThis man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.โ
The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.
โNo one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,โ states the king.
The fisherman replies, โThank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.โ
The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.
Perplexed at this manโs determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.
Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, โI will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!โ
The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.
The king, finally satisfied, leaves.
At the fishermanโs coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, โIt is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?โ
The fisherman replies, โThe northern half.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why theyโre happy.
They tell him, โWell, weโre so sick of the cold where weโre from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโs boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadiansโ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what theyโre doing.
โWell, we canโt pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ
Satan realizes heโs been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโs at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows heโs won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, โWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ
They look at him and shout at the same time, โHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
It is so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
๐ ๐ ๐
I got a haircut today, but Iโm never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, โHow much for a haircut?โ
โTwelve dollars,โ says the barber.
โAnd for a shave?โ
โTen dollars.โ
โAll right,โ says the man, settling into the barber chair. โShave my head.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatmentโshave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.โhe placed the boy in the chair.
โIโm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,โ he said. โIโll be back in a few minutes.โ
When the boyโs haircut was completed and the man still hadnโt returned, the barber said, โLooks like your daddyโs forgotten all about you.โ
โThat wasnโt my daddy,โ said the boy. โHe just walked up, took me by the hand, and said โCome on, son, weโre gonna get a free haircut!โโ
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
Itโs quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: โNice tie.โ
He looks around, but he doesnโt see anyone.
The voice speaks again: โGreat haircut.โ A few moments later: โCongratulations on your promotion.โ
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, โThatโs the pretzels, theyโre complimentary.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Hairdresser: โWould you like a haircut?โ
Boy: โNo, Iโd like them all cut.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Since quarantine Iโve not had a haircut. Hell, Iโve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
๐ ๐ ๐
A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesnโt have much extra time.
He remembers thereโs a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later heโs back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
โHello again, Sir,โ the barber says. โWhat can I do for you?โ
โOh, Iโd like another haircut, but Iโm awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?โ
โOf course,โ says the barber. โAnything you want. Take a seat.โ
The businessman sits down.
โSo what would you like?โ asks the barber.
โWell, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitlerโs.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but donโt blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.โ
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
โI canโt do all that!โ he says.
โWhy not?โ the businessman asks. โThatโs what you did last time.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with โUFOโ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blondeโs boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
โDo you know what โUFOโ stands for?โ He asks.
โOf course.โ She replies, โUnleaded Fuel Only.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.
The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.
Committee: โWho discovered America?โ
Guy 1: โChristopher Columbus.โ
Committee: โHow long ago was that?โ
Guy 1: โAround three hundred years.โ
Committee: โDo aliens exist?โ
Guy 1: โItโs possible, but thereโs no proof.โ
He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, โItโs easy, you just answer โChristopher Columbusโ, โAround three hundred yearsโ, and โItโs possible, but thereโs no proofโ.
So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.
Committee: โWhatโs your name?โ
Guy 2: โChristopher Columbus.โ
Committee (incredulously): โHow old are you?โ
Guy 2 (with conviction): โAround three hundred years.โ
Committee: โAre you insane?โ
Guy 2: โItโs possible, but thereโs no proof.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: โPizza because Iโm so cheesy.โ
Friend 2: โChocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.โ
Me: โDonut because Iโm so empty inside.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesnโt speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, โMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.โ
โMy God,โ says his mother. โYou can speak?โ
To which the German boy replies, โOf course.โ
โHow come youโve never spoken before?โ asks his father.
โWell,โ says the boy, โup until now, everything has been satisfactory.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, โMan! Iโm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You canโt beat that!โ
The engineer replied, โYou wanna see something better? Letโs go back to the shop and Iโll show you real stealing.โ
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, โDo you wanna see magic?โ
The shop boy replied, โYes!!!โ
The engineer said, โGive me one chocolate bar.โ
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, โBut whereโs the magic?โ
The engineer replied, โCheck in my friendโs pocket, and youโll find them!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mโs are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mโs are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
๐ ๐ ๐
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, โExcuse me, are you Moses?โ
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the manโs view and asked again, โArenโt you Moses?โ
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the manโs sleeve and asked once again, โHey! Arenโt you Moses?โ
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, โYes, I am!โ
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, โThe last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A bearded man walks into a bar, โEverybodyโs drinks are on me tonight!โ
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, โHow much should I pay?โ
โNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.โ
โOk,โ and he left.
๐ ๐ ๐
Kung Fu student asks his teacher, โMaster, why does my ability not improve? Iโm always defeated.โ
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, โMy dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?โ
โYes, my master, I have.โ
โAnd a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?โ
โYes, my master, I have witnessed it.โ
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?โ
โYes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.โ
โThat is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Son: โHey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?โ
Dad: โNo sun?โ
Son: โYou donโt even want to take a guess?โ
Dad: โNo sun!โ
Son: โYouโre so stubborn, the answer is no sun.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
โWow! Donut seeds!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, โEnjoy the HOLE donut!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
๐ ๐ ๐
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, โNo charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.โ
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, โNo charge. I consider it a service to the community.โ
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, โNo charge. I consider it a service to the country.โ
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
๐ ๐ ๐
I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
๐ ๐ ๐
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
๐ ๐ ๐
The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iโm on my PlayStation.
๐ ๐ ๐
During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking whatโs behind me on our Zoom call.
๐ ๐ ๐
Coworker: โDo you ever think about work at home?โ
Me: โI donโt even think about work at work!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I donโt work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
๐ ๐ ๐
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
Iโm still employed. I just canโt remember where.
๐ ๐ ๐
Working from home is not so bad. Iโm starting to get the hang of it.
I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9 a.m.
๐ ๐ ๐
When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
Itโs SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
๐ ๐ ๐
Son: โDad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?โ
Dad: โNo sun.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 oโclock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesnโt happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesnโt happen every day.
๐ ๐ ๐
Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
๐ ๐ ๐
A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, โWhat gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentineโs Day?โ
โWell, I donโt knowโ she answers shyly.
โOK, that I give you another year to think about it...โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Boyfriend: โDo you think my salary is sufficient for you?โ
Girlfriend: โItโs sufficient for me but how will you survive?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Perfect Boyfriend:
ยท Does not drink.
ยท Does not smoke.
ยท Does not cheat.
ยท Does not exist.
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, โPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canโt figure out how to get started.โ
Her boyfriend asks, โWhat is it supposed to be when itโs finished?โ
The blonde says, โAccording to the picture on the box, itโs a rooster.โ
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, โFirst of all, no matter what we do, weโre not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.โ
He takes her hand and says, โSecond, I want you to relax. Letโs have a nice cup of tea, and then,โ he said with a deep sigh, โletโs put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnโt even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonโs choice.
โMom, can I escort Helen?โ
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted โnoโ, she surprised hear.
โSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Boy: โHey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.โ
Girl: โI have a boyfriend.โ
Boy: โI have a math test tomorrow.โ
Girl: โWhat does that have to do with anything?โ
Boy: โI thought we were listing things we could cheat on.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Girlfriend: โOur new neighbor always kisses his girlfriend when he leaves for work. Why donโt you do that?โ
Boyfriend: โHow can I? I donโt even know her.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
๐ ๐ ๐
Boyfriend: โI love you.โ
Girlfriend: โIs that you or the wine talking?โ
Boyfriend: โItโs me talking to the wine.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I like to show my girlfriend whoโs the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
๐ ๐ ๐
My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
๐ ๐ ๐
A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, โI forgot my wallet.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โI love you this much,โ as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, โThatโs not very much at all!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โIโm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ
His wife answers, โYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โHoney, are you sure you donโt want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ
โNo, no, Iโm sure Iโll remember what you asked for.โ
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, โWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
โWhatโs your favorite flavor?โ asks the friend.
โCharm,โ replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
โWhy is it that whenever I ask you a question,โ begins the friend, โyour answer is always strange?โ
โWell, itโs strange โnowโ,โ the physicist protests, โshouldnโt have waited a picosecond.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
โI want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.โ
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, โWhy did you want so many scoops of ice cream?โ
โWell, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.โ
The cashier hands him the cone but heโs a little confused and asked another question.
โAnd what is it that you have that I donโt?โ
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, โOnly two dollars in change.โ And he ran out of parlor.
๐ ๐ ๐
A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, Iโd like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, whatโs with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
๐ ๐ ๐
Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?
I havenโt. I think Iโm seeing stars.
๐ ๐ ๐
A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.
โI wish Iโd reached the stick already,โ he mumbles to himself.
๐ ๐ ๐
Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, โWhat flavors do you have?โ
The attendant says, โOver there on the signs on the wall, youโll see them all.โ
Client goes, โEhm, well Iโll have a cone with two scoops of โMondays Closedโ.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, โWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?โ
The man replies, โThe one in the freezer, Iโm pretty sure itโs warmer in there.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, โThatโs the fourth time youโve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnโt it embarrass you?โ
โWhy should it?โ answered her spouse. โI keep telling them itโs for you.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, โOuch!โ and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, โOuch!โ and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, โOuch!โ and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, โWhatโs the matter with you guys?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My sister said Iโm being immature.
I guess she isnโt getting her nose back.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bearโs cage and says, โThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donโt touch his nose.โ
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man canโt no longer withstand, โI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!โ
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the manโs shoulder and says, โYou are it!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โHappy birthday!โ.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
๐ ๐ ๐
โMan, my sinuses are on fire!โ
โAn allergy?โ
โNo, a metaphor.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesnโt smell good.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, โThatโs because I use both my nostrils.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man went to the doctor and said, โI think I am upside down.โ
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, โBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When itโs a snowmanโs nose!
๐ ๐ ๐
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, โDoctor, my friends are all being awful people! Theyโre all telling me I fart all the time, and itโs just plain rude of them!
โOh really?โ The doctor says.
โYEAH! Theyโre ALL silent so I have no idea why theyโd point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!โ
โI see,โ the doctor says.
โYEAH!! Iโve even felt a few fly out in the office and youโve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.โ
โHere, take these pills, they should help you out.โ The doctor says.
Itโs been a day now, and the doctorโs pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, โDoctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! Iโm farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!โ
After a deep breath, the doctor says, โNow that your nose is fixed, letโs work on your gas and ears.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
โNo one does that to a woman, not on my watch!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My poor dog doesnโt have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
๐ ๐ ๐
An anteater walks into a bar.
โHaving a nice day?โ asks the barman.
โNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ says the anteater.
โWhy the long nos?โ asks the barman.
โItโs always been like this,โ says the anteater.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he canโt find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, โWould you dance with me?โ
Filled with excitement, she yells, โWould I!โ
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, โBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And theyโre off!
๐ ๐ ๐
You might be a barrel racer if:
ยท Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
ยท You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
ยท You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
ยท Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
ยท Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
๐ ๐ ๐
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see heโd suffered some rough life.
โHave you been in any accidents lately?โ he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ
โYou donโt call those accidents?โ said the doctor with incredulity.
โNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, โRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโs barrel racing there.โ
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โBarb, youโve been my best friend for many years. If itโs at all possible, Iโll do this favor for you.โ
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โBarb, Barb.โ
โWho is it?โ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โWho is it?โ
โBarb, itโs me, Rose.โ
โYouโre not Rose. Rose just died.โ
โIโm telling you, itโs me, Rose,โ insisted the voice.
โRose! Where are you?โ
โIn Heaven,โ replied Rose. โI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ
โTell me the good news first,โ said Barb.
โThe good news,โ Rose said, โis that thereโs barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโre all young again. Better still, itโs always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ
โThatโs fantastic,โ said Barb. โItโs beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโs the bad news?โ
โYouโre up here in the slack on Friday.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
โIs this horse unsound?โ they asked.
โNot a bit,โ said the owner.
โIn that case,โ asked the stewards, โwhy have you never raced him before?โ โMister,โ said the man from Idaho, โwe couldnโt even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horseโs trainer meets him before the race and says, โAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โALLLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly in the horseโs ear. Providing you do that, youโll be fine.โ
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainerโs ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โAleeee ooopโ in the horseโs ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โItโs no good, Iโll have to do it.โ And yells, โALLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, โNothing is wrong with me. Itโs this bloody horse. What is heโdeaf or something?โ
The trainer replies, โDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโs not deafโheโs blind!!!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโs mouth just as a steward walked by.
โWhat was that?โ inquired the steward.
โOh nothing,โ said the trainer, โjust a poloโ.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.
Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.
He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.
As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.
โHold onโ, says the Rabbi, โyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
โYou got to ride him to win,โ the trainer says, โbecause Iโve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ
โWill there be any room for me?โ the jockey asks.
๐ ๐ ๐
My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
๐ ๐ ๐
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
โWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ the man asks.
โRace it,โ replies the jockey, surprised.
โWell, by the look of it,โ the man says, โyouโll win!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, โMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ
The second falcon turns back and says, โYouโd also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Friend 1: โI think my momโs getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.โ
Friend 2: โHow do you know?โ
Friend 1: โSheโs learning to drive a bulldozer.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Sunday school teacher: โTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ
Johnny: โNo, maโam, I donโt have to. My momโs a good cook.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I canโt wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
๐ ๐ ๐
I was on the phone with my wife and said, โIโm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, โYou still there sweetheart?โ
She replied, โYeah... but I donโt think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnโt paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, โJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ
Little Johnny quickly replied, โNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโs back and says:
โCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ
The wife stares at her husband:
โWhatโs wrong with you?! You think I canโt fry a few eggs?!โ
The husband answers calmly:
โI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโm driving.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
๐ ๐ ๐
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
๐ ๐ ๐
Some people wake up finding messages like โGood morning babyโ.
I wake up with โBattery full, Remove chargerโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
๐ ๐ ๐
Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.
Heather says, โI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iโm pregnant with triplets!โ
โI got mine done yesterday too,โ says Linda. โIโm pregnant with septuplets!โ
โI think Iโll get my ultrasound done next week,โ says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, โI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was โThe Three Little Pigsโ.โ
โI got Disney+ last month too,โ says Linda. โThe first movie I watched on it was โSnow White and the Seven Dwarfsโ.โ When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
โItโs okay if you donโt have Disney+,โ says Heather.
โI do have it,โ says Martha. โItโs just that the first movie I watched on it was โ101 Dalmatiansโ.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, โExcuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?โ
He replies, โOh, we donโt close on Sunday.โ
Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.
The next dayโSundayโthe man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.
Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.
โHey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?โ
The pharmacist looks at the man and says, โWell, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Patient: โDoctor, doctor! I see double!โ
Doctor: โSit on the chair please.โ
Patient: โWhich one?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man goes to the doctor and says, โDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ
And the doctor says, โCan you describe the symptoms.โ
And he says, โYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Patient: โDoctor, doctor! Iโve swallowed my money!โ
Doctor: โTake this, and weโll see if thereโs any change in the morning.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Patient: โDoctor, doctor! Iโve broken my arm in three places!โ
Doctor: โWell, stop going to those places then.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Me: โGood night, kids!โ
Kids: โGood night, dad!โ
Me: โGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ
Wife (through radio under the bed): โGood night!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
๐ ๐ ๐
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
๐ ๐ ๐
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marleyโs head.
โHow you like it?โ asked the barber.
โReal fine,โ said the redneck. โBut how about making it a little longer in the back?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
๐ ๐ ๐
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didnโt buy it and he certainly didnโt buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
๐ ๐ ๐
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe itโs Pharaoh Roche.
๐ ๐ ๐
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโs boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, โIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ
Quickly he replied, โIf it was you who asked, Iโd still have 4 pickles.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
๐ ๐ ๐
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
โWhatโs wrong?โ I asked her.
She replied, โThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ
I said, โOkay, how about in the fridge?โ
She said, โNo, silly, thereโs a little light inside.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I told my dad I couldnโt believe Iโd failed my biology exam.
He said, โIโm your mum!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
Heโs unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
โ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
โ Doesnโt need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
โ Has great packaging.
๐ ๐ ๐
Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
๐ ๐ ๐
True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโre in trouble, you can cry on it when youโre in pain, you can embrace it when youโre happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
๐ ๐ ๐
โDad, did you ever fall in love?โ
โYes, son. I did once.โ
โAnd, what happened?โ
โIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
๐ ๐ ๐
The other day my friend messaged by saying, โBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ
I told him to combine them.
He replied, โYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
๐ ๐ ๐
Never laugh at your girlfriendโs choices.
Youโre one of them.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
๐ ๐ ๐
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
๐ ๐ ๐
Priest: โDonโt drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ
Alcoholic: โReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ
Priest: โHe will also go to Hell.โ
Alcoholic: โOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ
Priest: โShe too will go to Hell.โ
Alcoholic: โIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Iโm feeling canneloni right now.
๐ ๐ ๐
An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: โPut a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!โ
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.
The machine suddenly sounds:
โYouโre John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโre about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ
The man blacked out with the machineโs ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
โYouโre John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโre about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,โ says the machine.
โBut itโs impossible!โ screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
โYouโre John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโre about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
โYouโre John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friendโs mustache.
Now sheโs not talking to me.
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnny yells upstairs: โDad, thereโs a salesman here with a mustache.โ
โTell him Iโve got one.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโre sinking into quicksand.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
๐ ๐ ๐
A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
โBehave, my bubaleh,โ she says.
โTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ
โAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ
โYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ
At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
โSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ
The boy answers, โI learned my name is David.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The computer programmer to his son: โHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ
Son: โThank you, daddy, but where is the userโs guide?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
๐ ๐ ๐
What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
๐ ๐ ๐
When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnโt believe the network traffic.
๐ ๐ ๐
Working from home. Day 1:
Thisโll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
๐ ๐ ๐
Working from home. Day 6.
Client: โNo! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.โ
Me: โMoooom!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
๐ ๐ ๐
The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
๐ ๐ ๐
I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
๐ ๐ ๐
My boss told me, โDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ
Now Iโm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
๐ ๐ ๐
Co-worker asked me, โIf Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?โ
Your Parents when you move out.
๐ ๐ ๐
Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
โHe must be up to something,โ he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
โHow did he recover so quickly?โ Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
โHow can this be?!โ Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, โWhat are you doing here, Joker?!โ
And he replies, โIโm enjoying this Halloween party, dude!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, โNo, just until the end of June.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend said Iโm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
๐ ๐ ๐
Albertโs retirement party presentation.
โToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: โWhat are you doing dear?โ
Husband: โSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ
Wife: โHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ
Husband: โEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโs face.
โWhat did you do that for?โ the man asks.
โWell, you donโt have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ
The man says, โNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโt read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, โIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, โSir, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ
The man gets really annoyed and says, โOfficer, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman asks a waiter, โWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ
The waiter says, โShivering, madam.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
๐ ๐ ๐
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
๐ ๐ ๐
You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
๐ ๐ ๐
I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He constantly is trying to find X.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy walks into the doctorโs office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, โDoc, this is terrible. Whatโs wrong with me?โ
The doctor says, โWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, โNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ
He said, โWhy donโt you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ
She said, โNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ
He said, โWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโre OK.โ
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Olโ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโt seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโs ear.
She said, โMrs. Grim, Olโ Spot just died.โ
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, โThatโs bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโs stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โI think everything will be fine now,โ and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โYou know, that fellow that ran over OlโSpot never even stopped.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
๐ ๐ ๐
Three women escape from prisonโa blonde and two brunettesโand to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โThere are just three burlap sacks in here!โ
To which his partner replies, โThen kick them just to be sure itโs not them hidingโ.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โMEEEYYOWW!โ
The officer says, โOh, itโs just a stupid cat in there.โ
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โRUUFFF RUFFF!โ
The officer says, โOh, itโs just a stupid dog!โ
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โPOTATOES!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that theyโd never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, โI wouldnโt eat that if I were you.โ
โWhy not?โ
โI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt blondes eat bananas?
They canโt find the zipper.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, โGIVE US YER LOOTโ?
They were both blonds.
๐ ๐ ๐
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
โDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ
The little boy nodded yes.
โSo,โ the coach continued, โIโm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, โAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโs not good sportsmanship to call your coach โa worthless idiotโ is it?โ Again the little boy nodded.
โGood,โ said the coach. โNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
๐ ๐ ๐
Coach: โYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ
Football Player: โCoach, It is just not true!โ
Coach: โWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ
Football player: โCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, โOh, nothing. Itโs just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โGee, I never knew you played football.โ
I said, โWell, I donโt. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
๐ ๐ ๐
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
๐ ๐ ๐
Look up โribโ in the dictionary and it says โTo vex, irritate or annoyโ.
Look up โribโ in the Bible and it says โWomanโ.
Coincidence?
๐ ๐ ๐
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his fatherโwho was a ministerโif they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, โIโll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, โSon, Iโm really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโt get hair cut!โ
The young man waited a moment and replied, โYou know Dad, Iโve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ
His father replied, โYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoโs Pizza:
Customer: โYoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, itโs just bread!โ
Dominoโs: โWeโre sorry to hear about this.โ
Customer (minutes later): โNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...โ
๐ ๐ ๐
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
๐ ๐ ๐
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, โHow much money do you make a week?โ
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, โI make a little over $400 a week, why?โ
The CEO said, โWait right here.โ
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, โHereโs four weeksโ pay. Now GET OUT and donโt come back.โ
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, โDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?โ
From across the room, a voice said, โSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Pizza Man: โDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?โ
Customer: โYou better make it six. I donโt think I can eat eight.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
๐ ๐ ๐
Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
๐ ๐ ๐
How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danikaโs exam paper?
Because when Danika said โI donโt knowโ, Shohag said โMe neitherโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
๐ ๐ ๐
Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.
Mary: โWow, that is some cold you have, Liz.โ
Liz: โTell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.โ
Mary: โTry some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle on my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and youโll be fine. Here ya go.โ
Liz: โThanks, Iโll give it a try.โ
The next day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air, and kicking her legs out.
Mary: โLiz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?โ
Liz: โOh No, I still donโt feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โI am God! I am God!โ
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, โWhat is your name?โ
โI am God,โ the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, โCalm down. Why donโt we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โOh God, not you again!?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Wife: โI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ
Husband: โOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, โWho owns the property?โ
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, โIโm here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.โ
The old gentleman says, โWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, donโt go into that field over yonder,โ pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, โMister, Iโm a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.โ
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boyโs face, โYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that Iโm allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.โ
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where heโd told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bullโs horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the fieldโs fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, โYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I love summer in Canada!
Itโs my favorite day of the year!
๐ ๐ ๐
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do SEOs love the farmers market?
Lots of organic content!
๐ ๐ ๐
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
๐ ๐ ๐
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, โMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of ยฃ1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to ยฃ1,100.โ
The student said, โI see. The ethics question is โDo I tell the client?โโ
โWrong answer! The question is โDo I tell my partner?โโ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayโs work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
โDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, โDidnโt your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?โ
The businessman replies, โThatโs the accountant weโre looking for.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you donโt understand.
๐ ๐ ๐
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
โDoctor, I just canโt get to sleep at night,โ he says.
โHave you tried counting sheep?โ inquires the doctor.
โThatโs the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, โYour name?โ
โJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.โ
โOh, you stutter?โ
โNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At the bank, I told the cashier, โI would like to open a joint account.โ
He asked, โWith whom?โ
I answered, โWith whomsoever has lots of money.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self wonโt be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
๐ ๐ ๐
An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
โSpare some loose change?โ asks the bum.
โAnd why should I do that?โ asks the accountant.
โBecause Iโm broke. Havenโt got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,โ says the bum.
โI see,โ says the accountant. โAnd how does this compare to the same quarter last year?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Mama always said โWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
๐ ๐ ๐
A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.
He asked, โHow do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!โ
The CA friend replied coolly, โJust tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.โ
โWow! Thanks for the tip,โ said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: โConsulting charges for Business Developmentโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
๐ ๐ ๐
My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโs doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
๐ ๐ ๐
A little boy asked his father, โDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ
And the father replied, โI donโt know, son, Iโm still paying for it.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
๐ ๐ ๐
I asked my wife, โWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ
She said, โSomewhere I have never been!โ
I told her, โHow about the kitchen?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโt sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโs been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โI have a confession.โ
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โDarling, so do I.โ
Recoiling, he says, โDonโt tell meโyouโve eaten my socks.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when youโre pushing it home in the winter!
๐ ๐ ๐
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, โMy door is always open!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
๐ ๐ ๐
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโs was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโs wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโre going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
๐ ๐ ๐
Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
๐ ๐ ๐
Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
๐ ๐ ๐
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
โWho is it?โ a passenger asks the captain.
โI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An onion just told me a joke.
I donโt know whether to laugh or cry.
๐ ๐ ๐
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
Thatโs when I realized my entire life is a joke...
๐ ๐ ๐
I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
๐ ๐ ๐
A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.
All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.
โForty-three,โ says one. General hilarity.
โTwo hundred and threeโ, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.
โThree hundred and twenty-nine,โ says a third.
The newcomer decides to try his hand.
โNinety-oneโ, he ventures. Total silence.
He tries again, โThree hundred and one.โ Not a titter.
โForty-two.โ A deadly hush.
Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.
โNothing,โ he says. โItโs just the way you tell them.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde buys two horses and she canโt tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horseโs tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she canโt tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horsesโ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, โThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
๐ ๐ ๐
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, โHey.โ
The horse said, โNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, โWhy the long face?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, โYour money or your life!โ
The student keeps walking and says, โSorry mate, Iโm a computer science student. I donโt have either.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
It was the first day of school.
Harryโs mother went into his bedroom and said, โCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ
โBut I donโt want to go to school,โ replied Harry, โI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ
โBecause,โ answered his mother, โyouโre a teacher!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โTake a seatโ.
Student: โWhere do you want me to take it to?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
๐ ๐ ๐
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
๐ ๐ ๐
Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
๐ ๐ ๐
Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnโt need it.
๐ ๐ ๐
There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, โWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ
To which the statistics teacher responded, โWell, statistically speaking, youโre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
๐ ๐ ๐
The judge rose from the bench and said, โMadam, Iโve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.โ
Then he smiled as he said, โNow, sit down at that table and write 500 times โI will not pass through a red light.โโ
๐ ๐ ๐
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโt let me sleep in class.
๐ ๐ ๐
I said to my teacher, โI donโt think I deserved a zero for this exam.โ
She said, โI agree, but I couldnโt give you any less.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says โSpit your gum out!โ and the train says โChew, chew!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, โAnd what starting salary are you looking for?โ
The engineer replies, โIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.โ
The interviewer inquires, โWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?โ
The engineer sits up straight and says, โWow! Are you kidding?โ
The interviewer replies, โYeah, but you started it.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Boss: โDo you believe in life after death?โ
Employee: โNo, because there is no proof of it.โ
Boss: โWell there is now!โ
Employee: โHow?โ
Boss: โWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโs funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, โI can make the boss give me the day off.โ
The man replies, โAnd how would you do that?โ
The woman says, โJust wait and see.โ
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, โWhat are you doing?โ
The woman replies, โIโm a light bulb.โ
The boss then says, โYouโve been working so much that youโve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.โ
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, โWhere are you going?โ
The man says, โIโm going home, too. I canโt work in the dark.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weโll see about that.
๐ ๐ ๐
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying โThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโs too late!โ and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didnโt appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โYou think maybe we should have just said โBridge Outโ instead?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
๐ ๐ ๐
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, โTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, โTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, โTHERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!โ
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, โIs that you, Lord?โ
The voice answered, โNO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Math teacher: โJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ
James: โA Headache maโam.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
๐ ๐ ๐
Never fight a math teacher. Youโll always be outnumbered.
๐ ๐ ๐
85% of people in America donโt know basic math.
Thanks God Iโm from the other 25%.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
๐ ๐ ๐
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, Iโm tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
๐ ๐ ๐
I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
๐ ๐ ๐
Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your โxโ. Just accept the fact that sheโs gone. Move on dude.
๐ ๐ ๐
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโs imaginary.
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
๐ ๐ ๐
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
โWill I be able to race this horse again?โ he asks.
The vet replies: โOf course you will, and youโll probably win!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โHorsp.โ
โHorsp, who?โ
Did you just say โhorse poo?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the owner name his racehorse โBad Newsโ?
Because bad news travels fast.
๐ ๐ ๐
โMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ
โWho was in the race?โ
โThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโre at the door to congratulate me.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why canโt tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
๐ ๐ ๐
I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
Theyโre too fast. Iโd never win.
๐ ๐ ๐
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โWhat do you do?โ
I replied, โI race motorcycles.โ
She asked further, โDo you usually win many races?โ
I said, โNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โโฌ
๐ ๐ ๐
I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
๐ ๐ ๐
I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
๐ ๐ ๐
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
โNot so loud!โ he said.
โWhat?โ she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
โI said not so loud!โ was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
โHow was your day?โ questioned the man from behind once again.
โPretty good,โ responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
โDid you pass the exam?โ came the next question from behind.
โI donโt know, I didnโt get my grade yet,โ replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
โIโll have to call you back when Iโm out of hereโ, came the voice from behind once again, โsome nut job is answering every question I ask you!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I hate when Iโm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
๐ ๐ ๐
Age is important only if youโre cheese and wine.
๐ ๐ ๐
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, โOrder!โ
So I replied, โFried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.โ
Now Iโm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
โSure,โ the airline agent said, โas long as you provide your own kennel.โ
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
โIโll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
๐ ๐ ๐
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
๐ ๐ ๐
I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
๐ ๐ ๐
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A โBโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess whoโs not allowed in my tree house anymore.
๐ ๐ ๐
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
๐ ๐ ๐
I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
๐ ๐ ๐
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
โCome on, ketch-up!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
๐ ๐ ๐
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
๐ ๐ ๐
โDad, I donโt want to go to school today,โ said the boy.
โWhy not, son?โ
โWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ
โBut why donโt you want to go today?โ
โBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeareโs Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
โHello.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is the longest word in the English language?
โSmilesโ. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
๐ ๐ ๐
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โMira el mosca.โ
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โNo, senor, โla moscaโ, es feminina.โ
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
๐ ๐ ๐
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
Theyโre normally around 90 degrees.
๐ ๐ ๐
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โWhat are your parentsโ names?โ
The student replied, โMy fatherโs name is Laughing and my motherโs name is Smiling.โ
The teacher said, โAre you kidding?โ
The student said, โNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โDo you have frog legs?โ
The waiter looks offended, โNo, Iโve always walked like that!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โI think weโll have to call it a day. Thereโs no way weโre getting it inside.โ
The neighbor looks at him slowly, โWait, inside?!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why shouldnโt you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
๐ ๐ ๐
Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โBecause people are sleeping!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because itโs easier than trying to wallpaper them!
๐ ๐ ๐
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
โSee here, old fellow,โ said Jesus kindly, โthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playโyouโre supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโs wrong?โ
โWell,โ said the old man, โyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ
Tears sprang from Jesusโ eyes.
โFATHER!โ he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โPINOCCHIO!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, โI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.โ
โPop, what are you talking about?!โ the son screams.
โWe canโt stand the sight of each other any longer,โ the old man says.
โWeโre sick and tired of each other, and Iโm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.โ And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
โLike Heck, theyโre getting a divorce,โ she shouts. โIโll take care of this.โ
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, โYou are NOT getting divorced! Donโt do a single thing until I get there. Iโm calling my brother back and weโll both be there tomorrow. Until then donโt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!โ And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
โTheyโre coming for Easter and paying their own way.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then heโd sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
โWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where weโre at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
โItโs just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ
โOh no, weโre all just fine. Itโs just that itโs Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess thatโs why they moo.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
๐ ๐ ๐
Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
๐ ๐ ๐
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Itโs very time-consuming.
๐ ๐ ๐
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
๐ ๐ ๐
What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
๐ ๐ ๐
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โSpell.โ
โSpell, who?โ
โOkay, okay: W. H. O.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWho's there?โ
โHo, ho.โ
โHo ho, who?โ
โYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWho's there?โ
โFBI.โ
โFB...โ
โWe're asking the questions here.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
๐ ๐ ๐
A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
โWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ He says.
โI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old ladyโs door.
She answers and he says, โIโm so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโd like to replace it.โ
The old woman says, โOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What did one flea say to the other?
โShall we walk or take the cat?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man asked his wife, โWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ
She said, โIโd love to be ten again.โ
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, โWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ One eye opened and she groaned, โActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why shouldnโt you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
Theyโre not ripe yet.
๐ ๐ ๐
I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is an alienโs favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
๐ ๐ ๐
When Chuck Norrisโs parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris doesnโt read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โWhoโs the strongest in here?!โ
The toughest guy looks at him and says, โI am the strongest around here!โ
The other guy politely asks, โCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โIโm sorry, but I donโt think Iโm supposed to do that.โ
But the Pope persists, โPlease?โ
The driver finally lets up, โOh, alright, I canโt really say no to the Pope.โ
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: โChief, I have a problem.โ
Chief: โWhat sort of problem?โ
Cop: โWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโs someone really important.โ
Chief: โImportant like the mayor?โ
Cop: โNo, no, much more important than that.โ
Chief: โImportant like the governor?โ
Cop: โWay more important than that.โ
Chief: โLike the president?โ
Cop: โMuch more important.โ
Chief: โWhoโs more important than the president?โ
Cop: โI donโt know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
๐ ๐ ๐
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
๐ ๐ ๐
The dad says, โA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ
The kid replies, โI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
๐ ๐ ๐
โSomebody just gave me a shower radio.โ
โDo you really want music in the shower?โ
โI guess thereโs no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
๐ ๐ ๐
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
๐ ๐ ๐
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauperโs cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, โDo you know, fancy that, Iโve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ainโt never seen anything like that.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโs ribs.
Later in the week, the boyโs mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, โMom, I have a pain in my sideโI think Iโm getting a wife.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and thereโs a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, thereโs a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, โHey can you get us some punch?โ
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
Thereโs no punch-line.
๐ ๐ ๐
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic โA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weโll pay you $1,000 if we failโ.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: โI have lost my sense of taste.โ
Engineer: โNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโs mouth.โ
Doctor: โThis is Gasoline!โ
Engineer: โCongratulations! Youโve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: โI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.โ
Engineer: โNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโs mouth.โ
Doctor: โBut that is Gasoline!โ
Engineer: โCongratulations! Youโve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: โMy eyesight has become weak.โ
Engineer: โNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientโs eyes.โ
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: โWait, thatโs the box with the gasoline in it!โ
Engineer: โCongratulations! Youโve got your vision back! That will be $500.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.
I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.
When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, โSon, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
๐ ๐ ๐
The boss said I should go home because I really donโt look good.
I donโt know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
๐ ๐ ๐
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
Theyโre all girls! If they were boys, theyโd be uncles.
๐ ๐ ๐
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, โIโll have an H2O please.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
โI will grant you three wishes,โ intones the genie.
โGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
โAnd for your other two wishes?โ
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โGive me two more just like this one!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Me: โWhatโs the Wi-Fi password?โ
Bartender: โYou need to buy a drink first.โ
Me: โOK, Iโll have a Coke.โ
Bartender: โThree dollars.โ
Me: โThere you go. So whatโs the WiโFi password?โ
Bartender: โYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummybear.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heโd fall down.
๐ ๐ ๐
Customer: โWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.โ
Waiter: โThen why arenโt you laughing?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
๐ ๐ ๐
A manโs bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
โLook, being a vice president isnโt that special,โ she said. โThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โGet me the vice president of peas!โ
The clerk replied, โFresh, canned, or frozen?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, โThereโs no way I can take this. Itโs fake.โ
Johnny said, โWell, the carโs not real either.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Daisy: โWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโs blue, but the other is green.โ
Little Johnny: โIโm not sure. Itโs weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnnyโs teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โWell miss, you canโt say that you werenโt warned.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ
Little Johnny: โAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
โMama, look what I found,โ the boy called out.
โWhat have you got there, dear?โ
With astonishment in the young boyโs voice, he answered, โI think itโs Adamโs underwear!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
๐ ๐ ๐
If God really made everythingโฆ
Heโs Chinese, right?
๐ ๐ ๐
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โWhere is God?โ
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โWhere is God?โ
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โWhatโs wrong?โ
The crying boy replied, โWeโre in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโt find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
โPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
โNever mind. Found one!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
โWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.โ
Watson replied, โI see millions of stars.โ
โWhat does that tell you?โ
Watson pondered for a minute.
โAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?โ
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
โWatson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, โWell what about your friend Clyde?โ
The man replied, โWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโt looking?โ
โNo, I guess not,โ replied his wife.
The man said, โNeither would Clyde.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
๐ ๐ ๐
Two friends talking:
โHey, can I borrow some money? Iโm broke.โ
โGet money from your job.โ
โI got fired.โ
โWhy?โ
โMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
โWellโ, said the teacher, โthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Patient: โDoctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldnโt manage it.โ
Doctor: โWhy not?โ
Patient: โWell after I drank my bath I didnโt have room for the medicine!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ
โIs this her first child?โ the doctor responds.
The man replies, โNo! This is her husband!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Patient: โDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?โ
Doctor: โYes, of course.โ
Patient: โGreat! I never could before!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I havenโt fit in my pants since March.
๐ ๐ ๐
What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
๐ ๐ ๐
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then itโs a soap opera.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!ย
โWhoโs there?โ ย
โAmish.โย
โAmish, who?โ ย
โReally? You donโt look like a shoe!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โCash.โ
โCash, who?โ
โNo thanks, but Iโd love some peanuts.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โInterrupting cow.โ
โInterrup...โ
โMoooooooo!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โTank.โ
โTank, who?โ
โYouโre welcome!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
๐ ๐ ๐
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
๐ ๐ ๐
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
๐ ๐ ๐
One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: โLook! Thatโs the moon over there!โ
The other one says: โNo, thatโs the sun!โ
The first one: โNo, itโs the moon!โ
The other one, again: โNo, itโs the sun!โ
After arguing for a while, the โsmartโ one says: โLetโs go to that house over there and ask, whatโs right!โ
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The โsmartโ one asks: โExcuse us, can you tell us, whether itโs the sun or the moon in the sky?โ
The blonde looks and says: โI wouldnโt know! Iโve only been living here for two weeks!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is the moon constantly moody?
Sheโs just going through a phase.
๐ ๐ ๐
What insect comes from the moon?
A Luna Tick!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why didnโt the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didnโt have the stomach for it!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a witchโs garage?
A broom closet.
๐ ๐ ๐
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When youโre a mouse.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt mummies have friends?
Because theyโre too wrapped up in themselves.
๐ ๐ ๐
Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โWhich book has helped you the most in your life?โ
Student: โMy fatherโs checkbook.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ
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I canโt take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess thatโs what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, โAnd what would you like for Christmas?โ
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, โDidn't you get my E-mail?โ
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Why does the programmer think the Grinchโs attitude isnโt bad?
He says itโs in beta.
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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, โMay I try on that dress in the window, please?โ
โCertainly not, madamโ, responded the salesgirl, โYouโll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.โ
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What goes โOh, Oh, Ohโ?
Santa walking backwards!
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
โIs there anything breakable in here?โ, asked the postal clerk.
โOnly the Ten Commandmentsโ, answered the lady.
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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.
When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, โI want to be gorgeous.โ
God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.
By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the manโs turn came, he laughed and said, โI wish they were all ugly again.โ
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Why didnโt Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, โI canโt get the mower to start!โ
โThatโs because you have to curse to get it started,โ says the man.
โIโm a man of the cloth. I donโt even remember how to curse.โ
โYou keep pulling on that rope, and itโll come back to you.โ
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Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
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Bula decides itโs time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Yearโs Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: โWell, howโs the business going?โ
Bula: โBad brother, sorry about everything!โ
Johnny: โWhy?โ
Bula: โI donโt have any chickens anymore!โ
Johnny: โGood god, why?โ
Bula: โIf I know, I think Iโm doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโt water them enough, but one doesnโt raise the hen.โ
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, โWhoโs first?โ
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Psychiatrist: โWhat seems to be the problem?โ
Patient: โI think I'm a chicken.โ
Psychiatrist: โHow long has this been going on?โ
Patient: โEver since I came out of my shell.โ
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Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
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What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
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Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They donโt have a mouse.
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, โI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โcomfortableโ.
Skeptical, the operator asks, โHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ
The redhead replies, โShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โCome for ta bullโ.โ
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When I was born I was so surprised I didnโt talk for a year and a half.
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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanโs body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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Forget about the past, you canโt change it.
Forget about the future, you canโt predict it.
Forget about the present, I didnโt get you one.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
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Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses canโt jump.
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Whatโs the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who canโt.
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Why are colds bad criminals?
Because theyโre easy to catch.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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Why donโt dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
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