Funny Jokes: Clean and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Clean Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Clean Jokes


Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?

The coach told him to take a hike.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?

They didn’t want to make a spectacle.

😄 😄 😄


I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.

😄 😄 😄


I broke my glasses and couldn’t see anything.

But then I realized it was just a broken spectacle illusion.

😄 😄 😄


The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.

😄 😄 😄


I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the glasses so expensive?

Because they were designer spectacles.

😄 😄 😄


My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

😄 😄 😄


In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, “Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington’, and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president,” said Little Johnny with his eyes wide open.

“Just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’. Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’. Mary put ‘I don’t know’, and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “What are the seasons?”

Student: “Salt, pepper, ginger...”

😄 😄 😄


A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.

Sunday school teacher: “Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?”

Little Johnny: “Hallowed!”

Sunday school teacher: “Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?”

Little Johnny: “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...”

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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

😄 😄 😄


What did the apple teacher say to her student?

“Help me orange the chairs please!”

😄 😄 😄


The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”

And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.

😄 😄 😄


A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”

The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”

😄 😄 😄


In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.

A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”

The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”

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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”

😄 😄 😄


When the student asked the history teacher what questions would be there for the history exam, she answered “The past”.

😄 😄 😄


The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”

“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four,” answers Little Johnny.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven,” answers Little Johnny.

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?

It just wasn’t getting any hits.

😄 😄 😄


A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based on old Greek and Roman performances.

That’s playgarism if you ask me.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?

It wanted to be a Roman-tic.

😄 😄 😄


If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.

She wants you to be more Roman-tic.

😄 😄 😄


Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?

Because it’s a-maize-ing.

😄 😄 😄


What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?

You’ll both be filled with stuffing.

😄 😄 😄


What sound does a turkey’s phone make?

“Wing, wing.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call rain on Turkey Day?

Fowl weather.

😄 😄 😄


Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?

On their feet.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.

But it was removed because of fowl language.

😄 😄 😄


My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.

“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

“Quack! Quack!”

😄 😄 😄


Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.

The indigenous people, however, have reservations.

😄 😄 😄


So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, “Hey, turkey! I’ve always wondered something…”

Turkey’s like, “Yeah. What’s up?”

And so the chicken says, “That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that’s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?”

And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, “Beak? What beak?”

😄 😄 😄


What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

Yammies.

😄 😄 😄


How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?

He was very thinkful.

😄 😄 😄


What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

😄 😄 😄


Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

😄 😄 😄


What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

😄 😄 😄


What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?

Fangs-giving.

😄 😄 😄


What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

😄 😄 😄


“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”

“I yam what I yam.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

😄 😄 😄


In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?

Turkey.

😄 😄 😄


At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

😄 😄 😄


What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?

Stuffing.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Thanksgiving?

Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.

😄 😄 😄


What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G.

😄 😄 😄


What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?

24 Karat cakes.

😄 😄 😄


What kind of key is edible?

A turkey on Thanksgiving.

😄 😄 😄


Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

😄 😄 😄


A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, “We need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”

The boyfriend replied, “In that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”

😄 😄 😄


Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?

It had 24 carrots!

😄 😄 😄


Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?

The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

He lost track of thyme.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?

You butterball-ieve it.

😄 😄 😄


When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?

In a dictionary.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?

Pumpkin pi.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

“…This is the way.”

😄 😄 😄


Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?

It’s irrational.

😄 😄 😄


Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?

He had to quit cold turkey.

😄 😄 😄


What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

😄 😄 😄


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

😄 😄 😄


A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye.

😄 😄 😄


I’m a poet and I know it.

“I dug,

You dug,

He dug,

She dug,

We all dug!”

It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.

😄 😄 😄


I went to see a beet poet the other day.

There were lots of hip peas there.

😄 😄 😄


Hey, I know you’re in love, but it’s time to break up with your bed and get out of there.

😄 😄 😄


I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was “car”.

😄 😄 😄


A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

😄 😄 😄


Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?

😄 😄 😄


If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

😄 😄 😄


Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

😄 😄 😄


If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

😄 😄 😄


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

😄 😄 😄


Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

😄 😄 😄


A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.

Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.

Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.

He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.

He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.

When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”

😄 😄 😄


A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub “The George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.

“Rooms cost £20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”

“Alright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”

“The kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”

“Yes, could I please talk to George?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the pun fail his English class?

He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.

😄 😄 😄


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

😄 😄 😄


A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”

“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

😄 😄 😄


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

An itsy bitsy book.

😄 😄 😄


What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

😄 😄 😄


Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

😄 😄 😄


What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

😄 😄 😄


What language do things that fly in the sky speak?

Plane English.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an important English snake?

Sir Pent.

😄 😄 😄


I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.

We stayed in a tea-pea.

😄 😄 😄


What instrument do English people play?

The Anglo-Saxophone.

😄 😄 😄


I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

😄 😄 😄


Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?

They love practical yolks.

😄 😄 😄


Which day is the worst to propose on?

April Fools’ Day.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a realistic prankster?

A practical joker.

😄 😄 😄


April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?

The silly goose!

😄 😄 😄


What is a prankster’s favorite toy?

Silly String.

😄 😄 😄


For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?

Sabbathtoge.

😄 😄 😄


Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?

Because the Joker might be out!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?

A St. Pat-trick!

😄 😄 😄


What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?

“What the hellmann!”

😄 😄 😄


What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?

They go to the pun-itentiary.

😄 😄 😄


Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?

They lack the element of surprise.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?

Geometrick.

😄 😄 😄


What is a monkey’s favorite day of the year?

The first of Ape-ril.

😄 😄 😄


Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?

Niagara Fools.

😄 😄 😄


How do deer celebrate April Fool’s Day?

They pronk each other.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?

April tool.

😄 😄 😄


What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fools’ prank feel?

Dismay.

😄 😄 😄


What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?

Prankenstein!

😄 😄 😄


I ordered that new auto part for you.

It’s Honda way.

😄 😄 😄


What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S? 

Automobile.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?

Australien.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?

Wasreal.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

😄 😄 😄


Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.

To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.

😄 😄 😄


I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”

😄 😄 😄


I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last reshorts.

😄 😄 😄


Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.

😄 😄 😄


What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants.

😄 😄 😄


What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?

Mozzartrella.

😄 😄 😄


What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?

You deserve butter.

😄 😄 😄


Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?

Because violins never solved anything.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?

Shrekspeare.

😄 😄 😄


You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

“Poetry!”

😄 😄 😄


I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

😄 😄 😄


I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

😄 😄 😄


I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”

My son: “Who?”

Me: “Exactly.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an owl with a deep voice?

A growl.

😄 😄 😄


Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?

They prefer to wing it.

😄 😄 😄


What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?

It smells fowl.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the owl ’owl?

Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.

😄 😄 😄


What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?

Owl-gebra.

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Hoo.”

“Hoo, who?”

“Are you an owl?”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Owls say.”

“Owls say, who?”

“Yes, they do.”

😄 😄 😄


Britain’s most common owl?

The teatowel.

😄 😄 😄


A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.

“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.

Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”

The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”

The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”

😄 😄 😄


Marri-Age and Old-Age

Relative: “You are getting old. You should get married now.”

Me: “Will that stop aging?”

😄 😄 😄


I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar.

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top.

😄 😄 😄


What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?

Bond. Gold Bond.

😄 😄 😄


I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.

It never got published.

It was all in vein.

😄 😄 😄


What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

😄 😄 😄


I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.

It’s too touchy-feely for me.

😄 😄 😄


Their romance started by candlelight.

But it only lasted a wick.

😄 😄 😄


Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

😄 😄 😄


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

Ouch!

😄 😄 😄


What farm animal keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

😄 😄 😄


What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?

It asked if I would accept cookies.

😄 😄 😄


How does a broken ankle apologize?

“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”

😄 😄 😄


What did one broken ankle say to the other?

“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”

😄 😄 😄


I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.

He said he could see himself doing windows every day.

😄 😄 😄


If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?

😄 😄 😄


When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist.

😄 😄 😄


I have a joke about the flu...

But I hope you don’t get it.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the flu virus go to the theater?

It heard the play was infectious.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?

It heard there was a lot of culture there.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the flu feeling down?

It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a flu that became a musician?

Achoo-bacca.

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t flu viruses use social media?

They prefer going viral in person.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?

She was too cold to him.

😄 😄 😄


I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

😄 😄 😄


Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist.

😄 😄 😄


You should get your flu vaccination.

It’s worth a shot.

😄 😄 😄


The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a flying pig?

Swine flu.

😄 😄 😄


How did the pig get out of the tree?

The swine flu.

😄 😄 😄


I became ill after taking self-defense classes.

I think I caught Kung Flu.

😄 😄 😄


The bird developed an illness.

I think it started when the bird flu.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?

Swine flu.

😄 😄 😄


What does a sick ninja practice?

Kung flu.

😄 😄 😄


What does a nut with the flu sound like? 

CAAAASHEW!

😄 😄 😄


They said when pigs fly...

But the swine already flu.

😄 😄 😄


What is the most common illness in China?

Kung Flu.

😄 😄 😄


How did the flu become so popular?

They promoted it using an influenza.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn.

😄 😄 😄


Why do people think vampire always have the flu?

Because they be coffin all day.

😄 😄 😄


Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”

Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer).

😄 😄 😄


Friend: “Where were you?”

Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”

Friend: “Flu?”

Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”

😄 😄 😄


What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?

Peak Aboo.

And which one gives them a flu?

Peak Achoo.

😄 😄 😄


My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.

Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

😄 😄 😄


“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”

Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”

Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”

😄 😄 😄


John thought he could never catch an illness.

When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”

“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”

😄 😄 😄


They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!

I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.

😄 😄 😄


Outbreak: New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!!

It’s called Chirpies.

It’s a Canarial Disease.

It’s Untweetable.

😄 😄 😄


The bird flu is pretty nasty.

Luckily, it’s tweetable.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

😄 😄 😄


I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...

It probably puts a strain on the staff.

😄 😄 😄


I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.

It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.

😄 😄 😄


What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?

Indiana.

😄 😄 😄


On an application form I was filling out was the question “Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?”.

I wrote “The 911 operator”.

😄 😄 😄


911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”

😄 😄 😄


911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”

Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children.”

Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”

Kangaroo: “Oh, never mind.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?

“911 is an inside job.”

😄 😄 😄


Guy outside: “911! 911!”

Guy inside: “What’s going on out there? Why are you yelling 911?”

Guy outside: “Emerge and see!”

😄 😄 😄


I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.

I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.

I guess they put it on the back burner.

😄 😄 😄


Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”

Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”

Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”

😄 😄 😄


What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

😄 😄 😄


A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?

He played his heart out.

😄 😄 😄


I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.

I’m under a lot of pressure.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to make a wooden submarine.

It didn’t go down so well.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the submarine industry?

It really took a dive...

😄 😄 😄


How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?

It goes very deep.

😄 😄 😄


Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?

It’s the depth charges.

😄 😄 😄


How is the submarine doing at school?

It’s below c-level.

😄 😄 😄


What color are military submarines?

Deep navy.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

😄 😄 😄


A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.

He stopped one of the runners and asked, “What’s happening?”

The runner replied breathlessly, “A lion has escaped from the zoo.”

“Oh my, which way is it heading?”

“Well, you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the coyote cross the road?

It was chasing the roadrunner.

😄 😄 😄


Who was the fastest runner in the race?

Adam, because he was first in the human race.

😄 😄 😄


How did the roofing company become so successful?

They nailed it.

😄 😄 😄


I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.

But it was just a roofing nut.

😄 😄 😄


I took a roofing class in college.

But all the content went right over my head.

😄 😄 😄


My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.

😄 😄 😄


What is it that keeps roofing teams together?

Trussed.

😄 😄 😄


What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?

The overhead.

😄 😄 😄


When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.

It was his first experience with a market crash.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

😄 😄 😄


Two skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorbike.

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone.

The other asks, “What the hell do you need THAT for?”

And it answers, “Are you stupid? I can’t just drive without my ID!”

😄 😄 😄


What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?

Bob Harley.

😄 😄 😄


Why won’t my motorbike run?

Because it’s two tired.

😄 😄 😄


What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

😄 😄 😄


The biker’s idea was revolutionary.

It was a real handlebar moment.

😄 😄 😄


I had to put my motorbike in the shop.

It needed a wheelignment.

😄 😄 😄


What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?

A Holly Davidson.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the nun become an archaeologist?

She had a knack for digging up old habits.

😄 😄 😄


One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didn’t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote “Don’t despair. Sister Ruth”, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the man’s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked, puzzled and confused.

“That’s the $8,000 you have coming, Sister”, the man replied. “Don’t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!”

😄 😄 😄


How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?

Nun.

😄 😄 😄


Why do nuns always wear black and white?

No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.

😄 😄 😄


How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?

He was second to nun.

😄 😄 😄


Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?

It takes 21 days to make a habit.

😄 😄 😄


How many nuns are there in a temple?

Nun.

😄 😄 😄


What do nuns do?

Nunthing.

😄 😄 😄


How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?

Nun.

😄 😄 😄


Female monasteries are nun-profit.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

😄 😄 😄


I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.

😄 😄 😄


I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

😄 😄 😄


Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.

As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.

When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.

He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.

He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sleep walking Nun?

A Roamin’ Catholic.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a red, white and blue pie?

Pastry-otic.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

😄 😄 😄


When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

😄 😄 😄


Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the color bomb?

Yeah, it blue up.

😄 😄 😄


My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.

The revelation really came out of the blue.

😄 😄 😄


I read a joke about colors once.

It blue my mind.

😄 😄 😄


Blue jeans are immortal.

They never die, they just fade away.

😄 😄 😄


I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light.

Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.

😄 😄 😄


I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.

Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.

😄 😄 😄


I was under the blues.

So I had to blue my nose occasionally.

😄 😄 😄


The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call cheese that is sad?

Blue cheese.

😄 😄 😄


What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

😄 😄 😄


Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.

😄 😄 😄


It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.

They get really blue.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale.

😄 😄 😄


Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

😄 😄 😄


Red ship hits blue ship...

Sailors marooned.

😄 😄 😄


What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?

“Cheer up!”

😄 😄 😄


What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

😄 😄 😄


What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?

A scrub jay.

😄 😄 😄


I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

😄 😄 😄


We’re feeling so blue.

We used to be the Blue Man Group.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.

But I guess he was blue-ish.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a party in blue shoes.

But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.

😄 😄 😄


When the paint store was blue-out, they called it a palette cleanser.

😄 😄 😄


When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.

😄 😄 😄


The blue light special was on sale.

But it left me feeling blue-tifully broke.

😄 😄 😄


The blue cheese thought he was the king.

But he was just a cheesy guy.

😄 😄 😄


The ocean was feeling blue.

So I told her to sea the brighter side.

😄 😄 😄


She’s feeling so blue.

She might as well be called the ocean.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad berry?

A blue-fruit.

😄 😄 😄


Why do blue flowers grow so well?

They have a natural love for Azure.

😄 😄 😄


I saw a blue crab today.

It was quite a claw-some sight.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?

They said it was a skyblunder.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?

A bird with no identity.

😄 😄 😄


I made a blue smoothie today.

It was berry good.

😄 😄 😄


Why do people love blue jokes?

They’re so pun-derful.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the sky that fell?

It turned the whole world blue.

😄 😄 😄


Why do blue people make bad singers?

They’re always feeling blue.

😄 😄 😄


I saw a blue horse the other day.

I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.

I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue paint cross the road?

To get to the other hue.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?

He decided to draw the line.

😄 😄 😄


I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.

I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.

😄 😄 😄


The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.

😄 😄 😄


The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.

😄 😄 😄


His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.

😄 😄 😄


I told my coworker I was going to wear a blue shirt to work.

And he said he was going to wear his blue-suit-of-armor.

😄 😄 😄


I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.

It was a huge ordeal.

😄 😄 😄


My friend said he wanted to start feeling more blue.

So I gave him a bottle of blue-cation.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a restaurant where all the menus were printed in blue ink.

I guess they were trying to get in touch with their blue-side.

😄 😄 😄


I heard that a blue jay and a cardinal fell in love.

But their relationship was a little blue-blooded.

😄 😄 😄


I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.

And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.

😄 😄 😄


I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.

But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.

😄 😄 😄


My friend said he was in a blue funk.

But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.

I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.

😄 😄 😄


I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.

And he said he was always searching for blue skies.

😄 😄 😄


I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.

Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.

😄 😄 😄


My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.

But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a party once where everyone was dressed in blue.

It was like a sea of navy-tees.

😄 😄 😄


I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.

His bark was way worse than his bite.

😄 😄 😄


People always ask why I’m feeling blue.

I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.

😄 😄 😄


I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.

But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.

😄 😄 😄


My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.

I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.

😄 😄 😄


My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.

I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.

😄 😄 😄


I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.

😄 😄 😄


The detective was following a blue-ribbon lead.

😄 😄 😄


He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.

😄 😄 😄


The party was a blue-ribbon event.

😄 😄 😄


He has a blue-collar job.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue-faced man get lost?

He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.

😄 😄 😄


What did the sky say to the ocean?

Nothing, they just had a blue period together.

😄 😄 😄


Why do blueberries get along with everyone?

They’re naturally blue-tiful.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?

He was giving them all the blues.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a depressed unicorn?

A blue-corn.

😄 😄 😄


I hate it when my blue jeans fade.

They’re not feeling so blue anymore.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the sad blueberry?

It was feeling blue.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?

He had an out of this world.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?

“You’re looking rosy!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s a blue shoe?

A shoe with the blues.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

“Hallou-mi!”

😄 😄 😄


What did one blue eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue square say to the red triangle?

“Hi-angle!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?

It was a little shy-nero.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the blueberry always tired?

Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?

“I blue you away.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?

It was feeling blue.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a sad shade of blue?

Bereaved.

😄 😄 😄


Why do blue whales need computers?

To go on their whale-net.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?

Because he was blue-tiful.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the blue marker sad?

Because its life was point-less.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad little blue planet?

A gloom.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blue bird get kicked out of the forest?

Because it was a bird of pray.

😄 😄 😄


What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?

“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a group of blue whales?

A pod of blues.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blue-berry.

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?

Because they’re all blubber and no beef.

😄 😄 😄


The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.

😄 😄 😄


My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?

Because it knew everything would be alright.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?

Hip-late.

😄 😄 😄


How did the hip bone feel after surgery?

Absolutely joint-ful!

😄 😄 😄


When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?

A hip replacement.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type of music?

Hip-hop.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?

Hip-ster!

😄 😄 😄


Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?

Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.

😄 😄 😄


How does a hip replacement like to relax?

By taking a joint vacation.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?

Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?

Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.

😄 😄 😄


What did one hip replacement say to the other?

“You crack me up!”

😄 😄 😄


Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?

Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.

😄 😄 😄


A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.

Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.

😄 😄 😄


My grandma got a hip replacement.

My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.

😄 😄 😄


So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

“Who are you?” the guy asks.

“I’m your hip replacement.”

😄 😄 😄


How does Uranus stay clean?

It takes meteor showers.

😄 😄 😄


Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?

It felt left out of the loop.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’s favorite game?

Twister, it’s always spinning!

😄 😄 😄


Ever heard of the planet party?

Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.

😄 😄 😄


I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.

Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.

😄 😄 😄


I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.

It replied, “Sorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the planet Uranus join a band?

It wanted to planet self in rhythm.

😄 😄 😄


Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.

They’re truly universal.

😄 😄 😄


I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.

They’re always out of this world.

😄 😄 😄


I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.

It’s a gas!

😄 😄 😄


What did Uranus say to its moon?

“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?

Space Opera.

😄 😄 😄


Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?

It was talking too much gas-babble.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?

Planet-ting.

😄 😄 😄


What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?

“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did Uranus become a rock star?

Because it’s always surrounded by gas.

😄 😄 😄


Why is Uranus so good at baseball?

Because it has a great orbit!

😄 😄 😄


What did Uranus say to Earth?

“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did Uranus go on a diet?

Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!

😄 😄 😄


Uranus has a real flair for fashion.

It always rocks the planet look!

😄 😄 😄


I named my pet goldfish Uranus.

It really keeps my aquarium afloat.

😄 😄 😄


You’ll never hear Uranus complain.

Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.

😄 😄 😄


My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.

But hey, it’s my orbit!

😄 😄 😄


When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!

😄 😄 😄


I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.

But I couldn’t planet right.

😄 😄 😄


My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?

It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.

😄 😄 😄


The planet Uranus is really good at keeping secrets.

After all, it has all those gas-tly atmospheres to hide things.

😄 😄 😄


I asked Uranus about its love life.

And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”

😄 😄 😄


If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?

He was kind of a space case.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the planet Uranus?

It’s quite gas-sy.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?

Gas-tronomic swirl.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?

To break the space ice.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?

Gas-tly sourdough.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?

It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.

😄 😄 😄


What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?

“This place is a gas!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?

Gas-tly winds.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?

It felt like it was crashing and burning.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?

It wanted to see who had the most gravity.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?

It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?

They wanted to rock the airwaves.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?

Gas-guzzler.

😄 😄 😄


How does Uranus apologize for being late?

It blames it on its orbit.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the moon break up with Uranus?

It wanted someone with a brighter personality.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?

Gas-tronomy.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?

To reach for the stars.

😄 😄 😄


What did the comet say to Uranus?

“You’re out of this world!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?

It had too many emotional craters.

😄 😄 😄


Why is Uranus always invited to parties?

It knows how to break the ice.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?

A gas mask.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?

Dark matter jokes.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the alien invite Uranus to the party?

It knew Uranus would bring the atmosphere.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?

Guardians of the Gas-laxy.

😄 😄 😄


How does Uranus apologize?

It says “I’m sorry, I need some space”.

😄 😄 😄


What happens when a waffle gets mad?

It flips.

😄 😄 😄


My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a car’s favorite meal?

Brake-fast.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of breakfast?

What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.

😄 😄 😄


What is dog’s favorite breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the bacon laugh?

Because the egg cracked a yolk!

😄 😄 😄


What do authors eat for breakfast?

Synonym buns.

😄 😄 😄


What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

😄 😄 😄


What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blueberry muffin.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?

It fell to pieces under pressure!

😄 😄 😄


Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?

It was feeling a little crumby.

😄 😄 😄


Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

😄 😄 😄


Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!

😄 😄 😄


Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?

It was berry speeding!

😄 😄 😄


Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”

“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

😄 😄 😄


The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.

It was truly sight-resting.

😄 😄 😄


I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.

That place was giving me the crêpes.

😄 😄 😄


In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”

“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.

“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”

“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.

“Do you mind if I ask...”

“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”

“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”

“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”

😄 😄 😄


What makes nuts healthy?

They have many nut-rients.

😄 😄 😄


Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?

A con artist.

😄 😄 😄


The artist was great.

He could always draw a crowd.

😄 😄 😄


What is the result of an art competition?

A draw.

😄 😄 😄


A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

😄 😄 😄


My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.

It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.

😄 😄 😄


Which drawing utensil is the fastest?

The e-racer.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?

Because she did not have a bat robe.

😄 😄 😄


How do elephants bathe?

With their trunks on.

😄 😄 😄


I just dropped my phone in the bath.

Now it’s syncing.

😄 😄 😄


I’ve seen a meteor shower...

But never seen a meteor take a bath.

😄 😄 😄


What does an owl need after taking a bath?

A t-owl.

😄 😄 😄


Why is a river an amazing roommate?

He just likes to go with the flow.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?

A peak experience.

😄 😄 😄


A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.

She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”

The man replies, “I work for KGB.”

“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”

“About me or about you?”

😄 😄 😄


Why should you take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

😄 😄 😄


What happened when the pig pen broke?

They had to use the pig pencil.

😄 😄 😄


Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

😄 😄 😄


Where do birds meet for coffee?

In a nest-cafe.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

😄 😄 😄


A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.

The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”

😄 😄 😄


This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

😄 😄 😄


What drink breaks the ice?

Flirt-Tea.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of laziness?

The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.

😄 😄 😄


I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of ‘many’.

It really means a lot.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?

They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!

😄 😄 😄


How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?

By receiving a thirtree as a gift!

😄 😄 😄


How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?

By going the extra mile!

😄 😄 😄


What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?

“I’m just a byte older.”

😄 😄 😄


If people want to learn more about witchcraft...

Do they go to Wiccapedia?

😄 😄 😄


Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

😄 😄 😄


Registered nurse: “Sorry for the wait!”

Man: “It’s alright, I’m patient.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”

😄 😄 😄


Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case, they have to draw blood.

😄 😄 😄


How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?

To take care of high blood pressure.

😄 😄 😄


Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

😄 😄 😄


I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.

It’s an untapped market.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?

She had a fainting spell.

😄 😄 😄


What happens to witches who break the school rules?

They get ex-spelled.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the witch go to the doctor?

She had a dizzy spell.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the book of incantations useless?

Because the author failed to do a spell-check.

😄 😄 😄


What did the tired witch do?

She sat down for a spell.

😄 😄 😄


Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?

It was the wicked witch of rest.

😄 😄 😄


My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.

😄 😄 😄


When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.

😄 😄 😄


A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.

But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. 

At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. 

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?” 

And the lady said, “Pardon?”

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of overcast?

When Harry Potter messes up a spell.

😄 😄 😄


What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling.

😄 😄 😄


How does a red panda flirt with her crush?

She gives them a bamboozling smile.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the red panda good at math?

It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.

😄 😄 😄


Red pandas never skip leg day.

Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the red panda bring a ladder?

It wanted to reach new heights-bear.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the red panda become an actor?

It had a panda-mic personality.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the red panda’s art exhibition?

It was panda-monium!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a red panda dentist?

A molar bear.

😄 😄 😄


What did the red panda say after winning a race?

“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”

😄 😄 😄


My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.

So I didn’t open his bills.

😄 😄 😄


A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”

The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.

Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”

Man: “I can’t complain about that.”

Counselor: “Is it the relations?”

Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”

Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”

Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”

Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”

Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”

Counselor: “Well, why is that?”

Man: “To you, I can complain!”

😄 😄 😄


A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.

An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?

Eat, stink and be merry.

😄 😄 😄


You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?

Now he’s a whywolf.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?

Never a dill moment.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the bread actor so unhappy?

She lost out on a juicy roll.

😄 😄 😄


Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?

Rabbit De Niro.

😄 😄 😄


An actor I know fell through the floor recently.

It’s just a stage he was going through.

😄 😄 😄


Who are the biggest fans at the theater?

The backstage crew—they’re always giving props to the actors.

😄 😄 😄


Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?

Kevin Bacon.

😄 😄 😄


How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on what it says in the script.

😄 😄 😄


Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.

😄 😄 😄


After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.

She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.

😄 😄 😄


If you’re stressed, try ironing clothes.

It’s a great way to let off some steam.

😄 😄 😄


When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.

😄 😄 😄


A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”

The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”

Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”

The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

😄 😄 😄


Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”

Friend: “And is she doing this?”

Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”

😄 😄 😄


Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?

She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?

It pulled a hamstring.

😄 😄 😄


Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?

Being exercised.

😄 😄 😄


What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?

“I’m feeling wiped out!”

😄 😄 😄


“Have you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.

“Don’t be silly,” I replied. “A toilet is a stationary object.”

😄 😄 😄


Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?

They’re always getting ripped off.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was on a roll.

😄 😄 😄


Not many people liked the new tree I planted.

It wasn’t very poplar.

😄 😄 😄


What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?

Tulips.

😄 😄 😄


Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.

😄 😄 😄


I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.

😄 😄 😄


My fridge stopped working...

It’s not cool.

😄 😄 😄


My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a male buffalo?

A buffellow.

😄 😄 😄


What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

😄 😄 😄


Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”

😄 😄 😄


Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

😄 😄 😄


A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.

The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.

The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”

They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.

On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.

The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.

The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”

😄 😄 😄


What did a dam say to the river?

“Water you thinking?”

😄 😄 😄


What did a brick say to a wall?

“I’ve got your back!”

😄 😄 😄


Concrete and steel had a debate.

It was a hard conversation.

😄 😄 😄


So, it’s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.

A young boy comes out from his house and states, “My mom wants to know what you are doing here!”

I state, “Well, we’re surveyors!”

And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, “Well, what are they doing, Tommy?”

To which Tommy responds, “Don’t worry, mom, they are survivors!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?

“OK Boomer.”

😄 😄 😄


I got fired from the bomb squad today.

It’s too bad really…

I had a blast working there.

😄 😄 😄


A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am?!”

😄 😄 😄


I got pulled over by a traffic cop.

He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

😄 😄 😄


A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, “Kindergarten.”

😄 😄 😄


In France, they don’t say “I love you”.

Because they don’t speak English there.

😄 😄 😄


What did the skydiver say in autumn?

I love the fall.

😄 😄 😄


If you ever name your kid Autumn...

Whenever they go out of the room, start singing “The Autumn Leaves...”.

😄 😄 😄


Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?

It’s autumn-atic.

😄 😄 😄


National Pride Day should be September 21.

September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.

😄 😄 😄


A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.

I didn’t fall for it!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.

If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.

😄 😄 😄


Software architects should never design high-security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

😄 😄 😄


Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”

Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”

😄 😄 😄


I’ve been watching this anime about dentists. But it’s been getting boring.

I’m a little tired of the filler episodes.

😄 😄 😄


Dog: “Where are you going?”

Ant: “My step brother—the elephant—has met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.

😄 😄 😄


Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didn’t know what to do.

He met an ant on the road and told him his problem.

Ant said, “Don’t worry. Just hide behind me!”

😄 😄 😄


An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”

“Sure,” replies the elephant.

“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.

“Squash,” says the elephant.

😄 😄 😄


Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

😄 😄 😄


How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?

One Mississippi.

😄 😄 😄


My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.

He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.

😄 😄 😄


Which country has the worst air force?

Turkey. None of them can fly.

😄 😄 😄


“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.

“Two weeks,” says the customer.

“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”

“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”

😄 😄 😄


A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.

He has a lot of fans.

😄 😄 😄


What is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.

If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.

😄 😄 😄


Have you heard about the new game getting released?

It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.

It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.

😄 😄 😄


My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.

However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.

😄 😄 😄


Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?

The Ab-originals.

😄 😄 😄


An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.

Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.

When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.

The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”

😄 😄 😄


Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?

But the line was always busy.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?

Lucky.

😄 😄 😄


The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.

I told him to use both, he would get him faster.

😄 😄 😄


On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

😄 😄 😄


A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”

The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”

😄 😄 😄


Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?

In Pencilvania.

😄 😄 😄


On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.

Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”

Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”

Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Class! We will have only half a day of school this morning due to Teachers’ Day.”

Class: “Hooorraaaayyy!”

Teacher: “We will have the other half, this afternoon.”

😄 😄 😄


How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachers’ Day?

She only had one pupil!

😄 😄 😄


An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.

Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.

He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.

😄 😄 😄


How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?

The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?

She took the Rhombus.

😄 😄 😄


Bit nervous about my maths exam.

Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “In the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.”

Pupil: “How long for the answers, sir?”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tim’s exam paper.”

Pupil: “I hope you didn’t see me either!”

😄 😄 😄


In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!

In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.

😄 😄 😄


No woman should have kids after 40.

Really, 40 kids is more than enough!

😄 😄 😄


The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.

The first man walked in, gave his name and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.

He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.

The newcomer said to the first guy, “Well, I guess we’re in the Marine Corps now!”

The first guy said, “Son, lemme tell you about the old Corps.”

😄 😄 😄


Akpos: “Why are all these people running?”

Man: “This is a race, the winner will get the cup.”

Akpos: “If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”

😄 😄 😄


A teacher lecturing on population said, “In the world, after every 10 seconds, a woman gives birth to a kid.”

Akpos stood up and said, “We must find and stop her!”

😄 😄 😄


“It’s your birthday? How old are you?” asks the man’s friend.

“I’m seven and one-seventh,” replies the man.

“How’s that, you look about 50 to me?” asks the friend.

“Every time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!”

😄 😄 😄


I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.

He claimed it wasn’t mine.

😄 😄 😄


TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.

His friends often remarked, “Hey, that’s not yo cheese.”

😄 😄 😄


A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”

😄 😄 😄


This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

😄 😄 😄


An employee’s monthly salary was typically 2500$. However, one month, he received 2700$ and decided to remain silent about the discrepancy. The following month, his paycheck only amounted to 2300$, prompting him to march directly to the HR manager to voice his complaint.

The HR manager, somewhat puzzled, inquired why there hadn’t been a complaint the previous month when an extra 200 had been received.

With a slight smirk, the individual responded, “I’m usually one to forgive the first mistake, but I simply can’t tolerate it when a second one is made.”

😄 😄 😄


HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

😄 😄 😄


Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”

HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”

😄 😄 😄


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”

😄 😄 😄


Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?

The first telephone Pole.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

😄 😄 😄


Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Polish ape?

Chimpanski.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to get insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets destroyed, you won’t be covered.”

😄 😄 😄


Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion.

😄 😄 😄


It’s the cold and flu time of year.

Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?

Sick and twisted.

😄 😄 😄


Did you heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

😄 😄 😄


Bird flu.

Bird landed.

😄 😄 😄


I said to the gym teacher, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

😄 😄 😄


I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

😄 😄 😄


A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered something to eat.

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.

I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.

At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.

After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.

Three days later, nothing.

A week later, nothing.

Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.

Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.

😄 😄 😄


I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...

I could hardly close my suitcase.

😄 😄 😄


Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.

Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

“So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.”

The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.

Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.

When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.

“What happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?” asks the first.

“This joke is just so hilarious! Actually, it’s so good that I’ll save it for later!” answers the second guy.

When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.

“Are you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?” asks worried the first.

“Yeah, but this one is soooooo good, I’ll save it for when we finish,” answers the other guy.

Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.

Panting, the first boy asks, “So, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?”

Still breathless, the other replies, “Hey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.”

😄 😄 😄


A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she’s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?”

When there’s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there’s no response, so he moves right to his wife’s shoulder and asks, “What’s for dinner, dear?”

At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”

😄 😄 😄


“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”

“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection, I’ve got thousands!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

😄 😄 😄


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

Willis: “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

Willis: “Under the wagon.”

😄 😄 😄


Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it’d be too farty.

😄 😄 😄


A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin… writing the answer… flipping the coin… writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?”

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

😄 😄 😄


I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m already $150 up.

I love being a postman!

😄 😄 😄


When I went out for a curry last week, I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.

So I asked for a clean one.

😄 😄 😄


A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied, “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.”

The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, “Good trade.”

😄 😄 😄


Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”.

😄 😄 😄


A man and his family walk into a bar.

Inside the bar, the man’s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating “World’s longest memory”.

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, “What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?”

The Native American states, “Eggs.”

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, “How!”

The Native American replies, “Scrambled.”

😄 😄 😄


If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

😄 😄 😄


The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”

The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”

😄 😄 😄


Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?

Retired!

😄 😄 😄


A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”

“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

😄 😄 😄


Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.

“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

😄 😄 😄


A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

“Why were you late?” asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, “Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, “Why were you late?”

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, “Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, “Let me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?”

The worker said, “No boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.”

😄 😄 😄


One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same “Rocky” who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”

😄 😄 😄


Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

😄 😄 😄


Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”

Patient: “Will it make me better?”

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

😄 😄 😄


Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”

Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”

😄 😄 😄


Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.

He asked, “Nice, how did you do it?”

The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.”

Dracula said, “Very good.”

The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.

Dracula was shocked, “How did you do that?”

The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.”

Dracula said, “Fantastic.”

Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.

Dracula couldn’t believe his eyes, “How did you do that?”

The bat said, “Do you see that tower?”

Dracula said, “Yes.”

And the bat said, “I didn’t see it.”

😄 😄 😄


I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

😄 😄 😄


A blonde crashed a helicopter.

The police officer asked her what happened.

She says, “It got cold, so I turned off the fan.”

😄 😄 😄


It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

😄 😄 😄


Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”

“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”

😄 😄 😄


My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

😄 😄 😄


It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

😄 😄 😄


Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”

Doctor: “Keep cool.”

😄 😄 😄


One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

😄 😄 😄


There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”

The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”

The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”

The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

😄 😄 😄


One snowman asks another, “How do you stay in such good shape?”

He answers, “All I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.”

😄 😄 😄


A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”

😄 😄 😄


Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

😄 😄 😄


Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.  

Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”

“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

😄 😄 😄


Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

😄 😄 😄


A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

😄 😄 😄


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

😄 😄 😄


The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”

He says, “Doctors orders.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”

“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”

😄 😄 😄


The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.

The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.

😄 😄 😄


A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.”

😄 😄 😄


Lady says to pharmacist, “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”

Pharmacist replies, “Cause that’s all we’ve documented so far.”

😄 😄 😄


A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”

😄 😄 😄


A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”

😄 😄 😄


The customer gets a topical cream.

Direction: Apply locally two times a day.

The customer says to the pharmacist, “I can’t apply locally, I’m going overseas.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

😄 😄 😄


A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

😄 😄 😄


Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

😄 😄 😄


How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

😄 😄 😄


Customer: “Give me a hot dog.”

Waiter: “With pleasure.”

Customer: “No, with sauerkraut!”

😄 😄 😄


On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.

“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.

“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”

Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”

Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

😄 😄 😄


I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.

If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self-control.

😄 😄 😄


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”

😄 😄 😄


A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread.

The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge to the homeless man: “Do you deny this?”

Homeless man: “No, your honor.”

Judge: “Do you have any coins?”

Homeless man: “Just a few quarters, your Honor.”

Judge: “Give them here.”

Homeless man: “Your Honor, they’re all I have!”

Judge: “That may be so, but please just give me those coins.”

Homeless man: “Very well.” Hands over the coins.

Judge to the stand owner: “Pay close attention.” Drops coins on the table. “Did you hear that?”

Stand owner: “Yes, your Honor.”

Judge: “Excellent. Now you take the sound of those coins as payment for the smell of the meat.”

😄 😄 😄


I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

😄 😄 😄


The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

😄 😄 😄


When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.

He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.

😄 😄 😄


Spider-Man 1: “Homecoming”

Spider-Man 2: “Far from Home”

Spider-Man 3: “Homeless”

😄 😄 😄


I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.

He was great at catching flies.

😄 😄 😄


Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”

Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

😄 😄 😄


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

😄 😄 😄


A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

😄 😄 😄


A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

😄 😄 😄


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

😄 😄 😄


Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”

😄 😄 😄


Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.

Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.

Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.

The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.

The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.

Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.

The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”

The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”

😄 😄 😄


Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.

They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

😄 😄 😄


It is so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

😄 😄 😄


It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

😄 😄 😄


I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

😄 😄 😄


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

😄 😄 😄


A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

😄 😄 😄


Hairdresser: “Would you like a haircut?”

Boy: “No, I’d like them all cut.”

😄 😄 😄


Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

😄 😄 😄


A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.

He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”

“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”

The businessman sits down.

“So what would you like?” asks the barber.

“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

“I can’t do all that!” he says.

“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”

😄 😄 😄


A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.

“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”

😄 😄 😄


Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.

The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.

Committee: “Who discovered America?”

Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee: “How long ago was that?”

Guy 1: “Around three hundred years.”

Committee: “Do aliens exist?”

Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around three hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.

So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.

Committee: “What’s your name?”

Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”

Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”

Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around three hundred years.”

Committee: “Are you insane?”

Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”

😄 😄 😄


If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”

Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”

Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”

😄 😄 😄


An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.

After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.

After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”

The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

😄 😄 😄


How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

😄 😄 😄


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Excuse me, are you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Hey! Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

😄 😄 😄


A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”

“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”

“Ok,” and he left.

😄 😄 😄


Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

“Yes, my master, I have.”

“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”

Dad: “No sun?”

Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”

Dad: “No sun!”

Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”

😄 😄 😄


My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?

Trick or tweet.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

“Wow! Donut seeds!”

😄 😄 😄


My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”

😄 😄 😄


WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.

THE POLICE

😄 😄 😄


A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.

After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

😄 😄 😄


I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.

😄 😄 😄


My commute to work today was just awful!

Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.

😄 😄 😄


The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.

😄 😄 😄


During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.

So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.

😄 😄 😄


Coworker: “Do you ever think about work at home?”

Me: “I don’t even think about work at work!”

😄 😄 😄


I don’t work well under pressure...

...or any other circumstance.

😄 😄 😄


My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

😄 😄 😄


Working from home is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it.

I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9 a.m.

😄 😄 😄


When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.

It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

Dad: “No sun.”

😄 😄 😄


Memo from Director-General to Manager:

Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.

As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.

Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.

Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.

For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.

This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.

This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.

This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.

It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

😄 😄 😄


Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

😄 😄 😄


A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, “What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?”

“Well, I don’t know” she answers shyly.

“OK, that I give you another year to think about it...”

😄 😄 😄


Boyfriend: “Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?”

Girlfriend: “It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?”

😄 😄 😄


Perfect Boyfriend:

· Does not drink.

· Does not smoke.

· Does not cheat.

· Does not exist.

😄 😄 😄


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’

😄 😄 😄


A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.

His mother had Puritan principles.

The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.

“Mom, can I escort Helen?”

The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted “no”, she surprised hear.

“Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!”

😄 😄 😄


Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”

Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”

😄 😄 😄


Girlfriend: “Our new neighbor always kisses his girlfriend when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”

Boyfriend: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

😄 😄 😄


Boyfriend: “I love you.”

Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

😄 😄 😄


I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

😄 😄 😄


My boyfriend said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.

😄 😄 😄


A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

😄 😄 😄


A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms.

To which the girlfriend replied, “That’s not very much at all!”

😄 😄 😄


An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”

His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”

“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”

😄 😄 😄


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.

“Charm,” replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”

“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”

😄 😄 😄


A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”

“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”

The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked another question.

“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.

😄 😄 😄


A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

😄 😄 😄


Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven’t. I think I’m seeing stars.

😄 😄 😄


A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.

“I wish I’d reached the stick already,” he mumbles to himself.

😄 😄 😄


Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, “What flavors do you have?”

The attendant says, “Over there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”

Client goes, “Ehm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of ‘Mondays Closed’.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”

The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”

😄 😄 😄


At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

😄 😄 😄


The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”

😄 😄 😄


My sister said I’m being immature.

I guess she isn’t getting her nose back.

😄 😄 😄


A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.

The shop assistant takes the man to the bear’s cage and says, “The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don’t touch his nose.”

The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.

Until the man can’t no longer withstand, “I have to try what happens when I touch his nose!”

So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.

Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.

With his paw, the bear taps the man’s shoulder and says, “You are it!”

😄 😄 😄


A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.

😄 😄 😄


Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.

But he told me it was all in my head.

😄 😄 😄


“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”

“An allergy?”

“No, a metaphor.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.

😄 😄 😄


Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”

😄 😄 😄


A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”

When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”

😄 😄 😄


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!

😄 😄 😄


An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!

“Oh really?” The doctor says.

“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”

“I see,” the doctor says.

“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”

“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.

It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.

She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”

After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”

😄 😄 😄


I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

“No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”

😄 😄 😄


My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.

That makes him smell terrible.

😄 😄 😄


An anteater walks into a bar.

“Having a nice day?” asks the barman.

“Noooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!” says the anteater.

“Why the long nos?” asks the barman.

“It’s always been like this,” says the anteater.

😄 😄 😄


A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.

During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.

He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.

Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”

Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”

Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

😄 😄 😄


You might be a barrel racer if:

· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

😄 😄 😄


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.

“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”

“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.

“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”

😄 😄 😄


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”

😄 😄 😄


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.

“Not a bit,” said the owner.

“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

😄 😄 😄


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is he—deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf—he’s blind!!!”

😄 😄 😄


The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.

“What was that?” inquired the steward.

“Oh nothing,” said the trainer, “just a polo”.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, “Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”

😄 😄 😄


A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

“Hold on”, says the Rabbi, “you never told me it was a Jewish horse.”

😄 😄 😄


A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

😄 😄 😄


A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”

“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.

😄 😄 😄


My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

😄 😄 😄


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.

“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.

“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”

😄 😄 😄


Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”

The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”

😄 😄 😄


Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”

Friend 2: “How do you know?”

Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”

😄 😄 😄


Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”

Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”

😄 😄 😄


I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

😄 😄 😄


I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”

After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”

She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”

😄 😄 😄


The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

😄 😄 😄


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”

The wife stares at her husband:

“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”

The husband answers calmly:

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

😄 😄 😄


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

😄 😄 😄


On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...

Getting up off the floor is another story.

😄 😄 😄


Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”.

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”.

😄 😄 😄


I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

😄 😄 😄


Three pregnant women are chatting in a café.

Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”

“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”

“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”

“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.

“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”

😄 😄 😄


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”

He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next day—Sunday—the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”

😄 😄 😄


Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”

Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”

Patient: “Which one?”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”

And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

😄 😄 😄


Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”

😄 😄 😄


Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”

😄 😄 😄


Me: “Good night, kids!”

Kids: “Good night, dad!”

Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”

Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”

😄 😄 😄


I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.

😄 😄 😄


I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

😄 😄 😄


Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄


The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

😄 😄 😄


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

😄 😄 😄


Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.

😄 😄 😄


After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”

Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

😄 😄 😄


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”

I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”

She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”

😄 😄 😄


I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.

He said, “I’m your mum!”

😄 😄 😄


During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

😄 😄 😄


Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?

At home by not going out.

😄 😄 😄


True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when you’re in trouble, you can cry on it when you’re in pain, you can embrace it when you’re happy.

So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”

“Yes, son. I did once.”

“And, what happened?”

“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”

😄 😄 😄


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

😄 😄 😄


The other day my friend messaged by saying, “Bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.”

I told him to combine them.

He replied, “Your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

😄 😄 😄


Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices.

You’re one of them.

😄 😄 😄


Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,

Fajitas &

Tacos.

😄 😄 😄


Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

😄 😄 😄


Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: “He will also go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”

Priest: “She too will go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

I’m feeling canneloni right now.

😄 😄 😄


An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: “Put a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!”

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

The man blacked out with the machine’s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,” says the machine.

“But it’s impossible!” screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

“You’re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!”

😄 😄 😄


I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.

Now she’s not talking to me.

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”

“Tell him I’ve got one.”

😄 😄 😄


The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

😄 😄 😄


A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.

“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”

“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”

“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”

The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”

😄 😄 😄


The computer programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”

Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

😄 😄 😄


What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

😄 😄 😄


What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

😄 😄 😄


When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.

😄 😄 😄


Working from home. Day 1:

This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.

Day 8:

Engages in conversation with a lamp...

😄 😄 😄


Working from home. Day 6.

Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”

Me: “Moooom!”

😄 😄 😄


There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.

😄 😄 😄


The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.

😄 😄 😄


I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.

You could say I now work undercover.

😄 😄 😄


My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

😄 😄 😄


Co-worker asked me, “If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?”

Your Parents when you move out.

😄 😄 😄


Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.

Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.

“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”

And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”

😄 😄 😄


I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.

They said, “No, just until the end of June.”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

😄 😄 😄


Albert’s retirement party presentation.

“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

😄 😄 😄


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

😄 😄 😄


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

😄 😄 😄


A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”

The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

😄 😄 😄


Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

😄 😄 😄


You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

😄 😄 😄


I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

😄 😄 😄


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

😄 😄 😄


My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

😄 😄 😄


Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”

😄 😄 😄


Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

😄 😄 😄


Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

😄 😄 😄


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”

😄 😄 😄


Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

😄 😄 😄


Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”

Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”

Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”

Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”

I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”

😄 😄 😄


Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

😄 😄 😄


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

😄 😄 😄


Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.

Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.

Coincidence?

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

😄 😄 😄


A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”

Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”

Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”

😄 😄 😄


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

😄 😄 😄


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make a little over $400 a week, why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?”

From across the room, a voice said, “Sure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.”

😄 😄 😄


Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?”

Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

😄 😄 😄


I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

😄 😄 😄


Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

😄 😄 😄


Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

😄 😄 😄


Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.

Mary: “Wow, that is some cold you have, Liz.”

Liz: “Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.”

Mary: “Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle on my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you’ll be fine. Here ya go.”

Liz: “Thanks, I’ll give it a try.”

The next day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air, and kicking her legs out.

Mary: “Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?”

Liz: “Oh No, I still don’t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.”

😄 😄 😄


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”

“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”

😄 😄 😄


Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”

Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”

😄 😄 😄


One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

😄 😄 😄


I love summer in Canada!

It’s my favorite day of the year!

😄 😄 😄


If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

😄 😄 😄


Why do SEOs love the farmers market?

Lots of organic content!

😄 😄 😄


I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

😄 😄 😄


An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”

The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”

“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”

😄 😄 😄


A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.”

😄 😄 😄


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

😄 😄 😄


Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, “Your name?”

“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”

“Oh, you stutter?”

“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”

😄 😄 😄


At the bank, I told the cashier, “I would like to open a joint account.”

He asked, “With whom?”

I answered, “With whomsoever has lots of money.”

😄 😄 😄


Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

😄 😄 😄


An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.

“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.

“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

😄 😄 😄


Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

😄 😄 😄


A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.

He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”

The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”

“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.

The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.

😄 😄 😄


I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

😄 😄 😄


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

😄 😄 😄


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

😄 😄 😄


On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

😄 😄 😄


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!

😄 😄 😄


My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open!”

😄 😄 😄


What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home, it was toast!

😄 😄 😄


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

😄 😄 😄


Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

😄 😄 😄


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

😄 😄 😄


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

😄 😄 😄


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

😄 😄 😄


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

😄 😄 😄


An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

😄 😄 😄


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

😄 😄 😄


I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

😄 😄 😄


A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

“Forty-three,” says one. General hilarity.

“Two hundred and three”, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

“Three hundred and twenty-nine,” says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

“Ninety-one”, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, “Three hundred and one.” Not a titter.

“Forty-two.” A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

“Nothing,” he says. “It’s just the way you tell them.”

😄 😄 😄


A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

😄 😄 😄


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

😄 😄 😄


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

😄 😄 😄


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”

😄 😄 😄


A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”

The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”

😄 😄 😄


It was the first day of school.

Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”

“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”

“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Take a seat”.

Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”

😄 😄 😄


What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

😄 😄 😄


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

😄 😄 😄


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

😄 😄 😄


Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

😄 😄 😄


Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

😄 😄 😄


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

😄 😄 😄


In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

😄 😄 😄


The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”

😄 😄 😄


My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.

😄 😄 😄


I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved a zero for this exam.”

She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”

😄 😄 😄


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

😄 😄 😄


Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”

Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”

Boss: “Well there is now!”

Employee: “How?”

Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”

😄 😄 😄


Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

😄 😄 😄


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

😄 😄 😄


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

😄 😄 😄


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

​

😄 😄 😄


Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”

James: “A Headache ma’am.”

😄 😄 😄


I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

😄 😄 😄


Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.

😄 😄 😄


85% of people in America don’t know basic math.

Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

😄 😄 😄


Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

😄 😄 😄


I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

😄 😄 😄


Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.

😄 😄 😄


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.

😄 😄 😄


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

😄 😄 😄


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Horsp.”

“Horsp, who?”

Did you just say “horse poo?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

😄 😄 😄


“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”

“Who was in the race?”

“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

😄 😄 😄


Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

😄 😄 😄


Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

😄 😄 😄


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They’re too fast. I’d never win.

😄 😄 😄


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I race motorcycles.”

She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”

I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

😄 😄 😄


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

😄 😄 😄


I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.

😄 😄 😄


What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

😄 😄 😄


Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.

It was the guy in the booth behind her.

“Not so loud!” he said.

“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.

“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.

Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.

“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.

“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.

“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.

“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.

“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

😄 😄 😄


I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.

😄 😄 😄


Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

😄 😄 😄


It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”

So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”

Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

😄 😄 😄


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

😄 😄 😄


Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

😄 😄 😄


I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

😄 😄 😄


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A “B”.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

😄 😄 😄


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

😄 😄 😄


I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia!

😄 😄 😄


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

“Come on, ketch-up!”

😄 😄 😄


I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?

It was pointless.

😄 😄 😄


Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

😄 😄 😄


To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

“Hello.”

😄 😄 😄


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

😄 😄 😄


What is the longest word in the English language?

“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

😄 😄 😄


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

😄 😄 😄


Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

😄 😄 😄


If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They’re normally around 90 degrees.

😄 😄 😄


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

😄 😄 😄


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”

The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”

😄 😄 😄


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”

😄 😄 😄


Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

😄 😄 😄


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

😄 😄 😄


Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

😄 😄 😄


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

“FATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

😄 😄 😄


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.

“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

😄 😄 😄


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

😄 😄 😄


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess that’s why they moo.

😄 😄 😄


Why do anteaters never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

😄 😄 😄


Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.

😄 😄 😄


Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

😄 😄 😄


How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

😄 😄 😄


What dance do all astronauts know?

The moonwalk.

😄 😄 😄


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

😄 😄 😄


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Spell.”

“Spell, who?”

“Okay, okay: W. H. O.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who's there?”

“Ho, ho.”

“Ho ho, who?”

“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who's there?”

“FBI.”

“FB...”

“We're asking the questions here.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

😄 😄 😄


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.

“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

😄 😄 😄


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.

She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”

The old woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”

😄 😄 😄


What did one flea say to the other?

“Shall we walk or take the cat?”

😄 😄 😄


A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

😄 😄 😄


Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!

😄 😄 😄


Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?

They’re not ripe yet.

😄 😄 😄


I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.

😄 😄 😄


What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

😄 😄 😄


Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

😄 😄 😄


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?”

The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”

Chief: “What sort of problem?”

Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: “Important like the mayor?”

Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: “Important like the governor?”

Cop: “Way more important than that.”

Chief: “Like the president?”

Cop: “Much more important.”

Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”

Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

😄 😄 😄


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

😄 😄 😄


The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

😄 😄 😄


“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.”

“Do you really want music in the shower?”

“I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

😄 😄 😄


Why is a piano so hard to open?

Because the keys are on the inside.

😄 😄 😄


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

😄 😄 😄


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

😄 😄 😄


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

😄 😄 😄


A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there’s a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there’s a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, “Hey can you get us some punch?”

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

There’s no punch-line.

😄 😄 😄


An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box 22.

Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

😄 😄 😄


The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.

I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

😄 😄 😄


What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

😄 😄 😄


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.

😄 😄 😄


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”

😄 😄 😄


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

😄 😄 😄


Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

😄 😄 😄


What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

😄 😄 😄


Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

😄 😄 😄


Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”

Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

😄 😄 😄


A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

😄 😄 😄


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”

Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”

😄 😄 😄


Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”

Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

😄 😄 😄


People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

😄 😄 😄


If God really made everything…

He’s Chinese, right?

😄 😄 😄


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

😄 😄 😄


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

“Never mind. Found one!”

😄 😄 😄


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

😄 😄 😄


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”

The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”

“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.

The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”

😄 😄 😄


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

😄 😄 😄


Two friends talking:

“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”

“Get money from your job.”

“I got fired.”

“Why?”

“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

Doctor: “Why not?”

Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course.”

Patient: “Great! I never could before!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

😄 😄 😄


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

😄 😄 😄


What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

😄 😄 😄


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

😄 😄 😄


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock! 

“Who’s there?”  

“Amish.” 

“Amish, who?”  

“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Cash.”

“Cash, who?”

“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting cow.”

“Interrup...”

“Moooooooo!”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Tank.”

“Tank, who?”

“You’re welcome!”

😄 😄 😄


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

😄 😄 😄


Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

😄 😄 😄


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?

Inflation.

😄 😄 😄


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

😄 😄 😄


One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.

One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”

The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”

The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”

The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”

After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”

They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.

The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”

The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”

😄 😄 😄


Why is the moon constantly moody?

She’s just going through a phase.

😄 😄 😄


What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

😄 😄 😄


Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

😄 😄 😄


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

😄 😄 😄


Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s checkbook.”

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

😄 😄 😄


Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”

😄 😄 😄


Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

😄 😄 😄


Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.

So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”

“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

😄 😄 😄


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.

😄 😄 😄


A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.”

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

😄 😄 😄


Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

😄 😄 😄


A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

😄 😄 😄


Which king liked to do things on his own?

Solo-mon.

😄 😄 😄


Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”

Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”

Johnny: “Why?”

Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”

Johnny: “Good god, why?”

Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”

😄 😄 😄


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Who’s first?”

😄 😄 😄


Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

😄 😄 😄


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

😄 😄 😄


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

😄 😄 😄


Why do cats hate laptops?

They don’t have a mouse.

😄 😄 😄


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”

😄 😄 😄


When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

😄 😄 😄


Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

😄 😄 😄


I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

😄 😄 😄


Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

😄 😄 😄


Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

😄 😄 😄


How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

😄 😄 😄


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

😄 😄 😄


There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

😄 😄 😄


Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

😄 😄 😄


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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