Clean Dad Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Clean Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Clean Dad Jokes


On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn’t let me take home any volcanic rocks.

And to be honest, I’m still a little basalty over it.

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Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?

The coach told him to take a hike.

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Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?

They didn’t want to make a spectacle.

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I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.

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I broke my glasses and couldn’t see anything.

But then I realized it was just a broken spectacle illusion.

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The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.

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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.

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Why was the glasses so expensive?

Because they were designer spectacles.

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My father quietly retired from his job as an eyeglass manufacturer yesterday.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

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A physics student asks his teacher, β€œCan you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”

The teacher answers, β€œLet me see if I can pull some strings for you.”

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Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?

It just wasn’t getting any hits.

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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?

You’ll both be filled with stuffing.

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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?

On their feet.

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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

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What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

β€œQuack! Quack!”

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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

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Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

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What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

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Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

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In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?

Turkey.

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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?

Stuffing.

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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G.

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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, β€œIf your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

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A girlfriend said to his boyfriend, β€œWe need a gravy boat because we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year.”

The boyfriend replied, β€œIn that case, we should get some gravy life jackets too.”

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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?

In a dictionary.

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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

β€œβ€¦This is the way.”

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Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?

It’s irrational.

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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?

He had to quit cold turkey.

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What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

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A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

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I’m a poet and I know it.

β€œI dug,

You dug,

He dug,

She dug,

We all dug!”

It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.

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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was β€œcar”.

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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

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Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

β€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

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What do you call a realistic prankster?

A practical joker.

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April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?

The silly goose!

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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?

Silly String.

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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?

Because the Joker might be out!

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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?

They lack the element of surprise.

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I ordered that new auto part for you.

It’s Honda way.

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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?Β 

Automobile.

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What would you callΒ Israel if it disappeared away?

Wasreal.

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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.

To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.

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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.

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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

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Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?

They prefer to wing it.

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I’m reading a romance book in Braille.Β I don’t think I’ll finish.

It’s too touchy-feely for me.

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Their romance started by candlelight.

But it only lasted a wick.

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Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

Ouch!

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What farm animal keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?

It asked if I would accept cookies.

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How does a broken ankle apologize?

β€œI’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”

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What did one broken ankle say to the other?

β€œLet’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”

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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.

He said he could see himself doing windows every day.

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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?

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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

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I have a joke about the flu...

But I hope you don’t get it.

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Why did the flu virus go to the theater?

It heard the play was infectious.

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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?

It heard there was a lot of culture there.

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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?

They prefer going viral in person.

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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?

She was too cold to him.

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I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...

It probably puts a strain on the staff.

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What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?

Indiana.

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911 operator:Β β€œ911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: β€œHi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”

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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?

β€œ911 is an inside job.”

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I got really badΒ sunburnΒ after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.

I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.

I guess they put it on the back burner.

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What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?

He played his heart out.

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I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.

I’m under a lot of pressure.

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I tried to make a wooden submarine.

It didn’t go down so well.

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Did you hear about the submarine industry?

It really took a dive...

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How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?

It goes very deep.

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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?

It’s the depth charges.

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What color are military submarines?

Deep navy.

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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

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Who was the fastest runner in the race?

Adam, because he was first in the human race.

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How did the roofing company become so successful?

They nailed it.

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I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.

But it was just a roofingΒ nut.

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I took a roofing class in college.

But all the content went right over my head.

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My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.

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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.

It was his first experience with a market crash.

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Why won’t my motorbike run?

Because it’s two tired.

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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?

She had a knack for digging up old habits.

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Why do nuns always wear black and white?

No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.

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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?

It takes 21 days to make a habit.

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What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.

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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

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Did you hear about the color bomb?

Yeah, it blue up.

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My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.

The revelation really came out of the blue.

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I read a joke about colors once.

It blue my mind.

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Blue jeans are immortal.

They never die, they just fade away.

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I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light.

Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.

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I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.

Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.

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I was under the blues.

So I had to blue my nose occasionally.

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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

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What do you call cheese that is sad?

Blue cheese.

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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.

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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.

They get really blue.

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What’s the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale.

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Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

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Red ship hits blue ship...

Sailors marooned.

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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?

β€œCheer up!”

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What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?

A scrub jay.

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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

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We’re feeling so blue.

We used to be the Blue Man Group.

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I went to a party in blue shoes.

But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.

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The blue cheese thought he was the king.

But he was just a cheesy guy.

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The ocean was feeling blue.

So I told her to sea the brighter side.

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She’s feeling so blue.

She might as well be called the ocean.

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Why do blue flowers grow so well?

They have a natural love for Azure.

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Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?

They said it was a skyblunder.

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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?

A bird with no identity.

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Did you hear about the sky that fell?

It turned the whole world blue.

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Why do blue people make bad singers?

They’re always feeling blue.

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Why did the blue paint cross the road?

To get to the other hue.

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Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?

He decided to draw the line.

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I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.

I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.

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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.

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The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.

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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.

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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.

It was a huge ordeal.

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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.

And he said he was always searching for blue skies.

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I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.

Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.

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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.

But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.

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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.

His bark was way worse than his bite.

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People always ask why I’m feeling blue.

I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.

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My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.

I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.

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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.

I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.

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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.

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The party was a blue-ribbon event.

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Why do blueberries make bad employees?

They always end up getting the blues.

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Why did the blue-faced man get lost?

He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.

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What did the sky say to the ocean?

Nothing, they just had a blue period together.

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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

β€œHey, pal, want to blue me away?”

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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?

He was giving them all the blues.

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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.

They’re not feeling so blue anymore.

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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?

It was feeling blue.

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Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?

He had an out of this world.

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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?

β€œYou’re looking rosy!”

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What’s a blue shoe?

A shoe with the blues.

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What did one blue eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?

β€œI blue you away.”

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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?

It was feeling blue.

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What’s a sad shade of blue?

Bereaved.

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What do you call a sad little blue planet?

A gloom.

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Why did the blue bird get kicked out of the forest?

Because it was a bird of pray.

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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?

β€œYou go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”

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What do you call a group of blue whales?

A pod of blues.

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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?

Because they’re all blubber and no beef.

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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?

Because it knew everything would be alright.

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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.

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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?

A hip replacement.

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What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type ofΒ music?

Hip-hop.

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How does a hip replacement like to relax?

By taking a jointΒ vacation.

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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?

Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.

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What did one hip replacement say to the other?

β€œYou crack me up!”

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Why was the hip replacement patient alwaysΒ winningΒ atΒ poker?

Because they always had aΒ coupleΒ of joints up their sleeve.

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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.

Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.

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My grandma got a hip replacement.

My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.

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How does Uranus stay clean?

It takes meteor showers.

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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?

It felt left out of the loop.

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What’s Uranus’s favorite game?

Twister, it’s always spinning!

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Ever heard of the planet party?

Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.

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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.

Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.

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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.

It replied, β€œSorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”

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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?

It wanted to planet self in rhythm.

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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.

They’re truly universal.

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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.

They’re always out of this world.

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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.

It’s a gas!

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What did Uranus say to its moon?

β€œYou have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”

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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?

Space Opera.

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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?

β€œCheer up, life’s just a gas!”

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Why did Uranus become a rock star?

Because it’s always surrounded by gas.

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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?

Because it has a great orbit!

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What did Uranus say to Earth?

β€œYou’re always following me around. Give me some space!”

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Why did Uranus go on a diet?

Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!

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Uranus has a real flair for fashion.

It always rocks the planet look!

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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.

It really keeps my aquarium afloat.

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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.

Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.

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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.

But hey, it’s my orbit!

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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!

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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.

But I couldn’t planet right.

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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?

It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.

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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.

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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?

He was kind of a space case.

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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?

To break the space ice.

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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?

β€œThis place is a gas!”

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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?

It felt like it was crashing and burning.

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Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?

It wanted to see who had the most gravity.

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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?

It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.

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Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?

They wanted to rock the airwaves.

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How does Uranus apologize for being late?

It blames it on its orbit.

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Why did the moon break up with Uranus?

It wanted someone with a brighter personality.

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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?

To reach for the stars.

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What did the comet say to Uranus?

β€œYou’re out of this world!”

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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?

It had too many emotional craters.

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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?

It knows how to break the ice.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?

A gas mask.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?

Dark matter jokes.

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How does Uranus apologize?

It says β€œI’m sorry, I need some space”.

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What happens when a waffle gets mad?

It flips.

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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

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Why did the bacon laugh?

Because the egg cracked a yolk!

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What do authors eat for breakfast?

Synonym buns.

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What do snowmenΒ eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

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Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.

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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?

A con artist.

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The artist was great.

He could always draw a crowd.

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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.

It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.

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Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?

Because she did not have a bat robe.

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How do elephants bathe?

With their trunks on.

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I’ve seen a meteor shower...

But never seen a meteor take a bath.

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Why should you take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

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What happened when the pig pen broke?

They had to use the pig pencil.

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Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

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What is the definition ofΒ laziness?

The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.

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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of β€˜many’.

It really means a lot.

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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?

They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!

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Why did the registeredΒ nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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β€œHave you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.

β€œDon’t be silly,” I replied. β€œA toilet is a stationary object.”

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What did a brick say to a wall?

β€œI’ve got your back!”

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Concrete and steel had a debate.

It was a hard conversation.

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A cop pulled me over and asked me, β€œWhere were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, β€œKindergarten.”

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In France, they don’t say β€œI love you”.

Because they don’t speak English there.

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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

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Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion.

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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?

Lazy bones.

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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in people?

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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?

Because they’re not whenwolves.

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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

By live stream.

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Why did the robot go on vacation?

He needed to recharge his batteries.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?

Reapply.

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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?

Daytrogen.

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Son: β€œDad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

Dad: β€œNo sun.”

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Friend 1: β€œMy dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”

Friend 2: β€œLike dirt?”

Friend 1: β€œNope, with his nose.”

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If my nose runs, should I catch it?

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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.

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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.

She told me, β€œYou should tell it to walk instead.”

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The nose was very tired because it kept running.

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My mom got the flu.

She said that it was like her nose went on strike.

I suggested, β€œYou should picket.”

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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, β€œThat’s because I use both my nostrils.”

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

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Little Johnny yells upstairs: β€œDad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”

β€œTell him I’ve got one.”

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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

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β€œWaiter, will my pizza be long?”

β€œNo sir, it will be round!”

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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

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Teacher: β€œTake a seat”.

Student: β€œWhere do you want me to take it to?”

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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A β€œB”.

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What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

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Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.

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Customer: β€œWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”

Waiter: β€œThen why aren’t you laughing?”

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

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What goes β€œOh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

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Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.

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