Church Jokes



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Church Jokes


At St. Peterโ€™s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbandsโ€™ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, โ€œWella, Iโ€™va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!โ€

The priest responded, โ€œGiuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?โ€

Giuseppe proudly replied, โ€œI gonna go picka her up.โ€

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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, โ€œThe pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.โ€

โ€œOh, yeah?โ€ her grandson replied, โ€œSo, why is their dad carrying that rifle?โ€

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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

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Wife asks, โ€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ€

Husband: โ€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ€

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What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?

โ€œHoly smoke!โ€

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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โ€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ€

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โ€œBecause people are sleeping!โ€

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโ€™s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โ€œIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€ ย 

With even greater emphasis he added, โ€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โ€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St Johnโ€™s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โ€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ€

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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

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