Enjoy our team's carefully selected Church Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Some local engineers took a train for a service.
But the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
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At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.
One said, “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.”
“Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third kid. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!”
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Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
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What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?
“Holy smoke!”
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
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Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”
The other says “No! Are you crazy?”
The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”
So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”
He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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