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Christian Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Christianity Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

😄 😄 😄


A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!

The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.

😄 😄 😄


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

😄 😄 😄


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

😄 😄 😄


Yo’ Mama is so old, she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.

😄 😄 😄


How many people can you fit in one Honda?

Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

😄 😄 😄


Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.

Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.

Coincidence?

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

😄 😄 😄


Santa saw your Facebook pictures...

You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

😄 😄 😄


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

😄 😄 😄


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play — you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

“FATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

😄 😄 😄


Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.

I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”

All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”

St. Peter waves him through.

John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last second touchdown.”

Also gets waived through.

St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”

She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”

😄 😄 😄


Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God: “So you would love her?”

Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”

God: “So she would love you?”

😄 😄 😄


The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?”

The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”

Chief: “What sort of problem?”

Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: “Important like the mayor?”

Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: “Important like the governor?”

Cop: “Way more important than that.”

Chief: “Like the president?”

Cop: “Much more important.”

Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”

Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

😄 😄 😄


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”

The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”

The other says “No! Are you crazy?”

The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”

So he walks into the church, and little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”

He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”

😄 😄 😄


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

😄 😄 😄


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

😄 😄 😄


Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  

With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”

😄 😄 😄


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

😄 😄 😄


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”

😄 😄 😄


A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”

Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”

The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”

Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”

The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.

The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

😄 😄 😄


If God really made everything…

He’s Chinese, right?

😄 😄 😄


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

😄 😄 😄


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

“Never mind. Found one!”

😄 😄 😄


Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.

😄 😄 😄


Yo Mama’s so stupid, she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.

😄 😄 😄


Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.

😄 😄 😄


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.

😄 😄 😄


A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.”

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

😄 😄 😄


Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

😄 😄 😄


A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

😄 😄 😄





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