Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cattle Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My Ph.D. thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii.
To understand it all, I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.
But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
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Husband: “Hello, 911? Yes, there’s this Hindu fellow who’s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it’s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and he’s... praying, or something.”
911 operator: “Sir, calm down, there’s no issue here—Hindus are well known to worship cows.”
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?
Their child would be a real buffoon.
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
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What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?
She had her reputation at stake.
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Bison Theory
A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
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How do bison stay fit?
They do buffalo bells at the gym.
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One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.
He then left, and never came back.
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Indian warrior decided to change his name and went to the Registry of BDM (birth, death, marriages).
He approaches the counter and talks to the lady at the counter.
Indian: “Hello miss. I would like to change my name if it is possible.”
Lady: “Of course, sir, but why would you do that?”
Indian: “Well you see my name is Sharp Arrow Flying Across the Field at Great Speed Hitting the Bison and Bison Falls Down Dead. As you see it is too long and I’m tired of pronouncing it, I would like to change it to something shorter.”
Lady: “Alright, sir, so what is the name that you would like to change to?”
Indian (makes sound with mouth): “Pew.”
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
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I had a bison steak at a restaurant recently.
When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.
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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?
Bison.
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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, “What’s this?”
The kid says, “A picture of a cow eating grass.”
The teacher asks, “Where’s the grass?”
The kid says, “The cow ate it all.”
“Ok, then where’s the cow?”
“It left because there was no more grass.”
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
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Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
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Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn’t make it.
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Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
The Milky Way!
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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