Car Puns and Hilarious Car Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Car Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”

The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”

The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”

The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

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We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It’s for Autumnmobiles.

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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”

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Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?

Because he was always spinning out.

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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

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What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She always ran away from the ball.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150 page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied “You’re on.”

“You are a management consultant,” said the shepherd without hesitation.

“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “How ever did you guess?”

“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now please give me back my dog.”

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It’s so hot out, I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.

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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.

“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”

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You’re so short, that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

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Your mama so short, when she got in the car she couldn’t reach the steering wheel.

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Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?

He wanted a hairytale ending.

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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

To find Pluto.

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What is the moon’s favorite cartoon?

Lunar-toons.

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Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?

A human driver.

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I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

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Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign, she drove through the building.

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Yo mama so fat, when she wears her yellow raincoat, people yell out “taxi”!

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Yo mama so fat, not even Superman can lift her.

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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.

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A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop.

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: “It looks like you blew a seal.”

Penguin: “Ah no that’s just ice cream.”

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Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

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I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

“Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

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Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.

It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.

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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.

I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.

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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”

“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”

“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”

“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.

“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”

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A man goes into the doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”

And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father — who was a minister — if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m realy proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out instead?”

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, “I brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”

The redhead says, “I brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”

Then the blonde says, “I brought a car door.”

The other girls ask, “Why did you bring that?”

The blonde says, “So I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?”

The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”

Chief: “What sort of problem?”

Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: “Important like the mayor?”

Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: “Important like the governor?”

Cop: “Way more important than that.”

Chief: “Like the president?”

Cop: “Much more important.”

Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”

Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”

Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

“Never mind. Found one!”

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

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Yo mama’s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

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