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Car Puns and Hilarious Car Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Car Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnโ€™t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, โ€œJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ€

Little Johnny quickly replied, โ€œNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

โ€œAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Disney is updating a childrenโ€™s classic with a pandemic theme.

Itโ€™s called โ€œThe Never Ending Storyโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, โ€œI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iโ€™m pregnant with triplets!โ€

โ€œI got mine done yesterday too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œIโ€™m pregnant with septuplets!โ€

โ€œI think Iโ€™ll get my ultrasound done next week,โ€ says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, โ€œI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was โ€˜The Three Little Pigsโ€™.โ€

โ€œI got Disney+ last month too,โ€ says Linda. โ€œThe first movie I watched on it was โ€˜Snow White and the Seven Dwarfsโ€™.โ€ When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

โ€œItโ€™s okay if you donโ€™t have Disney+,โ€ says Heather.

โ€œI do have it,โ€ says Martha. โ€œItโ€™s just that the first movie I watched on it was โ€˜101 Dalmatiansโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes into the doctors and says, โ€œDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ€

And the doctor says, โ€œCan you describe the symptoms.โ€

And he says, โ€œYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Out instead?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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