Car Puns and Hilarious Car Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Car Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Car Jokes


What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?

A rolls rice.

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Short Car Jokes



โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

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Funniest Blonde Jokes About Cars



There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, โ€œWhat do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?โ€

The other one replied, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re trying to break in.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?โ€

The other one answered, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re too stupid to use the coat hanger.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, we better think of something quick because itโ€™s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.โ€

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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

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A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

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Jokes About Cars Breaking Down



A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

โ€œWhy were you late?โ€ asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โ€œWhy were you late?โ€

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โ€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ€

The worker said, โ€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ€

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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

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A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop.

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: โ€œIt looks like you blew a seal.โ€

Penguin: โ€œAh no thatโ€™s just ice cream.โ€

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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

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Funny Car Jokes One-Liners



Itโ€™s so hot out, I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.

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Itโ€™s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

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Youโ€™re so short, that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

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Your mama so short, when she got in the car she couldnโ€™t reach the steering wheel.

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I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

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Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the McDonaldโ€™s drive-through sign, she drove through the building.

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Yo mama so fat, when she wears her yellow raincoat, people yell out โ€œtaxiโ€!

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I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

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Short Car Puns



Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?

Because he was always spinning out.

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What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

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What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

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Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?

A human driver.

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Guess what happens to a frogโ€™s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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Funny Car Puns One-Liners



We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

Itโ€™s for Autumnmobiles.

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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

Thatโ€™s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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Spider-Man borrowed his momโ€™s car to take it out for a spin.

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Elonโ€™s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.

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Long Funny Car Jokes for Adults



A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

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