Enjoy our team's carefully selected Car Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I canโt wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnโt paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, โJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ
Little Johnny quickly replied, โNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ
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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
โAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?โ
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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
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Disney is updating a childrenโs classic with a pandemic theme.
Itโs called โThe Never Ending Storyโ.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโs Up for Halloween.
Iโll dress up as an old guy and sheโll dress up as a tombstone.
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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.
Heather says, โI got my ultrasound done yesterday. Iโm pregnant with triplets!โ
โI got mine done yesterday too,โ says Linda. โIโm pregnant with septuplets!โ
โI think Iโll get my ultrasound done next week,โ says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, โI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was โThe Three Little Pigsโ.โ
โI got Disney+ last month too,โ says Linda. โThe first movie I watched on it was โSnow White and the Seven Dwarfsโ.โ When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
โItโs okay if you donโt have Disney+,โ says Heather.
โI do have it,โ says Martha. โItโs just that the first movie I watched on it was โ101 Dalmatiansโ.โ
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A man goes into the doctors and says, โDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ
And the doctor says, โCan you describe the symptoms.โ
And he says, โYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, โSir, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ
The man gets really annoyed and says, โOfficer, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, โIโll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, โSon, Iโm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโt get hair cut!โ
The young man waited a moment and replied, โYou know Dad, Iโve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ
His father replied, โYes son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when youโre pushing it home in the winter!
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.
The colleague asked, โWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ
To which the statistics teacher responded, โWell, statistically speaking, youโre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying โThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโs too late!โ and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didnโt appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โYou think maybe we should have just said โBridge Out instead?โ
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, โI brought some water so we donโt get dehydrated.โ
The redhead says, โI brought some suntan lotion so we donโt get sunburned.โ
Then the blonde says, โI brought a car door.โ
The other girls ask, โWhy did you bring that?โ
The blonde says, โSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โWhoโs the strongest in here?!โ
The toughest guy looks at him and says, โI am the strongest around here!โ
The other guy politely asks, โCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ
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The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โIโm sorry, but I donโt think Iโm supposed to do that.โ
But the Pope persists, โPlease?โ
The driver finally lets up, โOh, alright, I canโt really say no to the Pope.โ
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: โChief, I have a problem.โ
Chief: โWhat sort of problem?โ
Cop: โWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโs someone really important.โ
Chief: โImportant like the mayor?โ
Cop: โNo, no, much more important than that.โ
Chief: โImportant like the governor?โ
Cop: โWay more important than that.โ
Chief: โLike the president?โ
Cop: โMuch more important.โ
Chief: โWhoโs more important than the president?โ
Cop: โI donโt know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, โThereโs no way I can take this. Itโs fake.โ
Johnny said, โWell, the carโs not real either.โ
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโt find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
โPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
โNever mind. Found one!โ
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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
โWellโ, said the teacher, โthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ
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Yo mamaโs so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
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