Car Puns and Hilarious Car Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Car Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Car Jokes


Short Car Jokes



โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funniest Blonde Jokes About Cars



There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, โ€œWhat do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?โ€

The other one replied, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re trying to break in.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?โ€

The other one answered, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re too stupid to use the coat hanger.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, we better think of something quick because itโ€™s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jokes About Cars Breaking Down



A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

โ€œWhy were you late?โ€ asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โ€œWhy were you late?โ€

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โ€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ€

The worker said, โ€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ€

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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

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The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

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Funny Car Jokes One-Liners



Itโ€™s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.

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Itโ€™s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

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Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

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Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldnโ€™t reach the steering wheel.

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I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldโ€™s drive-through sign she drove through the building.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out โ€œtaxi!โ€.

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I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

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Short Car Puns



Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?

Because he was always spinning out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

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What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

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Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?

A human driver.

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Guess what happens to a frogโ€™s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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Funny Car Puns One-Liners



We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

Itโ€™s for autumnmobiles.

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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

Thatโ€™s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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Spider-Man borrowed his momโ€™s car to take it out for a spin.

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Elonโ€™s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.

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Long Funny Car Jokes for Adults



A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Car Jokes



Why donโ€™t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?

Because they are already covered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.

A few days pass, and the father calls the son, โ€œHow's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?โ€

โ€œNo, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.

When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said โ€œCLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer says, โ€œYeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.โ€

The policeman says, โ€œHmmm. Did you just call me a horseโ€™s ass?โ€

The farmer says, โ€œOh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.โ€

The policeman says, โ€œWell, thatโ€™s a good thing, then.โ€

The farmer adds, โ€œBut itโ€™s hard to fool those circle flies.โ€

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Cars look both ways in case Chuck Norris is crossing the street.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, โ€œHe was born in a manger.โ€ Bobby said, โ€œHe threw the money changers out of the temple.โ€

Little Johnny said, โ€œHe has a red pickup truck but he doesnโ€™t know how to drive it.โ€

Curious, the teacher asked, โ€œAnd where did you learn that, Johnny?โ€

โ€œFrom my daddy,โ€ said Johnny. โ€œYesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, โ€˜Jesus Christ! Why donโ€™t you learn how to drive?!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCargo.โ€

โ€œCargo, who?โ€

โ€œNope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.โ€

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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:

โ€œGuess who I ran into?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was โ€œcarโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.

Heโ€™s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.

The cop asks the inebriated man where heโ€™s headed at such a late hour.

The drunk replies, โ€œIโ€™m just going to a lecture, officer.โ€

In disbelief, the officer asks, โ€œWho would be giving a lecture this late?โ€

The alcoholic replies, โ€œMy wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.

โ€œSir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?โ€

โ€œWell, officer, youโ€™d be drinking too if youโ€™d just killed your wife.โ€

โ€œWHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?โ€

โ€œThe handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.โ€

The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.

The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.

โ€œThereโ€™s no body in here,โ€ he says to the patrolman. โ€œI thought you said there was a homicide?โ€

He then searches under the seat, โ€œAnd no gun either.โ€

The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.

โ€œGee, I bet he said I was drinking too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:ย  โ€œIโ€™m afraid I canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll just get a urine sample at the station.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll take a blood sample.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, just walk this white line.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause Iโ€™m drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a carnivoreโ€™s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

โ€œI love animals. They taste great.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.

โ€œJacky,โ€ said the tour guide, โ€œwhat are you tracking and what are you listening for?โ€

The aborigine replied, โ€œDown the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. Itโ€™s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.โ€

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

โ€œGod man, how do you know all that?,โ€ asked one.

The aborigine replied, โ€œI fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!โ€

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Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Peteโ€™s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, โ€œIโ€™ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.โ€

โ€œI doubt it,โ€ said the man, โ€œTonight Iโ€™m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!โ€

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An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into, โ€œTheyโ€™ve stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it... even the steering wheel!โ€

The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.

Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch, โ€œDisregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake.โ€

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Me: โ€œHello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œWhat was the make and model of the vehicle?โ€

Me: โ€œIt was a Lamborghini Silhouette.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œHow do you spell that?โ€

Me: โ€œHuh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.โ€

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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.

It was his first experience with a market crash.

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A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œYes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.โ€

The biker says, โ€œTell me, where are the brakes?โ€

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

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Whatโ€™s Uranusโ€™ favorite type of vehicle?

Gas-guzzler.

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Whatโ€™s a carโ€™s favorite meal?

Brake-fast.

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Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?

It wasย berryย speeding!

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Traffic policeman: โ€œDidnโ€™t you hear my whistle, madam?โ€

Woman driver: โ€œYes, but I donโ€™t like flirting while Iโ€™m driving.โ€

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Yo daddy is so dumb he got hit by a parked car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.

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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

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Did you know Teslas donโ€™t have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, โ€œIt is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.โ€

โ€œQuattro is just the name of the automobile,โ€ the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. โ€œLook at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.โ€

โ€œYou cannot pull that one on me,โ€ replies Paddy. โ€œQuattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.โ€

The Scotsmen reply angrily, โ€œYou idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ responds Paddy, โ€œMurphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.โ€

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An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.

As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, โ€œDo you know who I am?!โ€

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Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills.

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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

He said, โ€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if theyโ€™re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. Weโ€™re going from car to car collecting donations.โ€

โ€œHow much is everyone giving?โ€ I asked.

He said, โ€œAbout a gallon.โ€

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I got pulled over by a traffic cop.

He walked up to my window and said, โ€œPapers.โ€

I said, โ€œScissors, I winโ€ฆโ€ and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because heโ€™s been chasing me for ages.

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A male driver is pulled over by a cop.

Man: โ€œWhatโ€™s the problem, officer?โ€

Cop: โ€œYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ€

Man: โ€œNo sir, I was going 65.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ€

Man: โ€œBroken tail light? I didnโ€™t know about a broken tail light!โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, youโ€™ve known about that tail light for weeks.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œShut your mouth, woman!โ€

Cop: โ€œMaโ€™am, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ€

Wife: โ€œNo, only when heโ€™s drunk.โ€

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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, โ€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!โ€

Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, โ€œI canโ€™t believe I survived this wreck!โ€

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.โ€

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, โ€œYou know, youโ€™re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iโ€™m gonna see what else survived this wreck.โ€

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, โ€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.โ€

The Marine replies, โ€œYouโ€™re damn right!โ€ and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œYour turn!โ€

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, โ€œNahh, I think Iโ€™ll wait for the cops to show up.โ€

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Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion.

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What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?

A rolls rice.

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