Candy Puns and Hilarious Candy Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Candy Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Candy Jokes

Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”


β€œVenice, who?”

β€œVenice Halloween candy coming out?!”

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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

β€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

β€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.

β€œThere must be something you would have of me,” said God.

β€œWell, there is one thing,” she said.

β€œJust name it,” said God.

β€œIt’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”

β€œConsider it done,” said God. β€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

β€œThere is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

β€œName it. Please,” said God.

β€œIt’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. β€œThey’re so hard to peel.”

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What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.

You can’t do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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which is the most feminine candy?

it’s Hershey!

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Why did M&M go to University?

Because he wanted to be a Smartie.

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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?

A PayDay.

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Why did the candy bar cross the road?

Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!

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Which is the clumsiest candy bar?

A Butterfinger!

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Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?

A Bounty-ful!

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What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M’s are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

β€œSon,” said the man, β€œeating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

β€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

β€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

β€œNo,” said Johnny, β€œHe minded his own damn business!”

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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?


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Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.

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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, β€œHoney there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, β€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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