Calculus Jokes



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Calculus Jokes


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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Why was the red panda good at math?

It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.

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My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.

I can’t count on it anymore.

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At the marketplace, a seller advertises “1 lettuce for $3, 3 lettuces for $10”.

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller.

Customer: “That’s not right!”

Seller: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, that’s not an offer—3 lettuces cost $9.”

Seller: “No, sir, it says here that 3 lettuces cost $10.”

Customer: “I know, but if I buy 1 lettuce, how much do I pay?”

Seller: “$3.”

Customer: “And if I buy 2?”

Seller: “$6.”

Customer: “Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?”

Seller: “That makes 9.”

Customer: “So, 3 lettuces cost $9.”

Seller: “No sir, they cost $10, it’s written just over there, on that board.”

The client can’t fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller.

Customer: “Here, let me buy a lettuce.”

Seller: “That will be $3, sir.”

Customer: “Now, I’d like one more lettuce.”

Seller: “That will be $3 again, sir.”

Customer: “Finally, let me buy one last lettuce.”

Seller: “That will also be $3, sir.”

Customer: “How much did I pay you those 3 lettuces?”

Seller: “$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.”

Customer: “See? 3 lettuces are worth $9, not $10, you won’t sell many lettuces if you do it this way.”

Seller: “Yes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they’re smarter than me by buying 3 lettuces they don’t need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those lettuces to $3 and no one bats an eye!”

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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”

“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”

“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.

“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”

“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.

“That would be best,” said the teacher.

“One-second,” said the boy.

“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.

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A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”

“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.

“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”

“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”

Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”

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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”

James: “A Headache ma’am.”

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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85% of people in America don’t know basic math.

Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.

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Math teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”

Student: “A drinking problem.”

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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

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