Enjoy our team's carefully selected Butt Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child complied, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
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Yo daddy is so ugly that he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
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Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
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A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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“Dude, guess what?”
“What?”
“I can’t believe they’re still together after all that crap they’ve been through?”
“Who?”
“My butt cheeks.”
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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