Businessman Jokes



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Businessman Jokes


Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.

“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”

A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:

A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.

He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.

The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”

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What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

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My roofing business is having a great promotion right now.

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right.”

The client replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

Attorney: “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“I’m sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion,” he complains to the bartender. “She’s single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.”

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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.

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I asked the bank for a loan to open a pizza delivery by drone business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

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Which clients do short auditors like best?

Small businessmen.

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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”

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I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason, Anne’s Franks hasn’t been very popular with the target audience.

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A good friend of mine—Frank—owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.

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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.

He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”

“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”

The businessman sits down.

“So what would you like?” asks the barber.

“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

“I can’t do all that!” he says.

“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”

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Why did the baker stop making donuts?

He got tired of the HOLE business.

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.

The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”

Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”

Johnny: “Why?”

Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”

Johnny: “Good god, why?”

Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”

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