Brother Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Brother Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Brother Jokes

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”

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It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.

Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn’t really understand their parents’ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.

When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, “My dad cuts people in half.”

“Oh, really?” asked the teacher with a smile, “You mean he’s a magician?”

“I don’t know,” said Johnny.

“A surgeon, maybe?” asked the teacher.

“I don’t know,” repeated Johnny.

“Then why do you think he cuts people in half?” asked the confused teacher.

“Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters.”

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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

“Who are you?” the guy asks.

“I’m your hip replacement.”

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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.

He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”

“Of Course”, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”

“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”

“Of course”, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”

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I just told my crush that I’m in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother.

I’m just lucky she is from Alabama.

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My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

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A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

Father: “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date, and they stare at each other for a long time.

The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks, “Do you like potato pancakes?”

“No,” comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

Boy: “Do you have a brother?”

Girl: “No.”

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

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A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons—Owen, 5, and Bill, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”

Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.”

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Did you hear about Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

His name was Brocco Lee.

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”

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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?

Trick or tweet.

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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.

Then I told him, “They’re all extinct.”

Hearing that, he said, “No, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.

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