Jokes About Britain

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Britain Jokes

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as β€œEuro-English”.

In the first year, β€œs” will replace the soft β€œc”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard β€œc” will be dropped in favour of β€œk”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome β€œph” will be replaced with β€œf”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent β€œe” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing β€œth” with β€œz” and β€œw” with β€œv”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary β€œo” kan be dropd from vords kontaining β€œou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Britain’s most common owl?

The teatowel.

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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, β€œEnglander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”

The English prisoner said, β€œWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”

The German replied, β€œYeah, that will not be a problem.”

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, β€œWell, could drop it over England like you did last time.”

β€œYeah, that will be done,” says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, β€œWell, could you do the same as before?”

The German replies, β€œYeah.”

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

β€œWell,” begins the Brit, β€œcould you just...”

The German snapped, β€œNo! We think you are trying to escape!”

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I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.

The British Museum is a really cool place.

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Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make Britain grate again.

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What does a British real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea.

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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.

1st officer: β€œSay, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

2nd officer: β€œI dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

1st officer: β€œI decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.

Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.

It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard itβ€”a low, guttural sound from behind.

I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”

2nd officer: β€œOf course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”

1st officer: β€œNo, right now when I went β€˜Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”

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Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

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If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling, then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

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Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize.

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Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?

There’s always a chance of sprinkles.

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