Jokes on Boss



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Boss Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Boss Jokes


The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

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A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

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I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.

And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.

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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.

But I didnโ€™t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.

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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now Iโ€™m working in a sea of tranquility.

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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

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An employee asked his boss, โ€œCan I have a few days off seeing as itโ€™s so close to Christmas?โ€

The boss said, โ€œItโ€™s May.โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ the employee replied, โ€œMay I have a few days off seeing as itโ€™s so close to Christmas?โ€

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My boss said to me, โ€œYou must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?โ€

I said, โ€œAs you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.โ€

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, โ€œDonโ€™t do that again.โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ I said, โ€œIt must be the nerves.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ he replied, โ€œBut there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.โ€

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At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.

The Boss asked him, โ€œDidnโ€™t you understand my joke?โ€

The guy replied, โ€œOh, I understood it, but I resigned this morning.โ€

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Agency: โ€œSir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?โ€

MD: โ€œPut about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone, and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

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My boss calls me โ€œComputerโ€, but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8-hour workday.

I totally disagree because itโ€™s hard work trying not to get caught doing nothing by your boss.

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Why doesnโ€™t Superman need a boss?

He already has supervision.

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What is the best way to criticize your boss?

Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

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Employee: โ€œCan I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?โ€

Boss: โ€œCertainly not.โ€

Employee: โ€œThank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.โ€

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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, โ€œWhat happened to your ears?โ€

He says, โ€œYesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.โ€

The boss says, โ€œWell, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?โ€

He says, โ€œWell, geez, I had to call the doctor.โ€

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A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

โ€œWhy were you late?โ€ asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โ€œWhy were you late?โ€

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โ€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ€

The worker said, โ€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ€

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnโ€™t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, โ€œDidnโ€™t you like the muffs?โ€

The Foreman said, โ€œTheyโ€™re a thing of beauty.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you wear them?โ€ The Project Manager said.

The Foreman explained, โ€œI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnโ€™t hear him! Never again, never again!โ€

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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesnโ€™t know any of the peopleโ€™s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, โ€œYes. Better start gathering firewood.โ€

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, โ€œApparently, itโ€™s going to be pretty cold this year.โ€

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say โ€œYes! Apparently, itโ€™s going to be even colder than we previously thought.โ€

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him itโ€™s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, โ€œI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!โ€

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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldnโ€™t stand Rod, so he told him, โ€œYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ€

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โ€œDamn, another one without shoes!!โ€

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At 11 am, my Boss asking me the status of work from home.

But at that time, I am trying to remember who is he.

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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.

He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.

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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and canโ€™t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.

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Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.

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Memo from Director-General to Manager:

Today at 11 oโ€™clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.

As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.

Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.

Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.

For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.

This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.

This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.

This doesnโ€™t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.

It is a pity this doesnโ€™t happen every day.

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I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: โ€œAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?โ€

Abdul: โ€œSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.โ€

Today is Abdulโ€™s farewell party.

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Good morning!

The boss is out sick so Iโ€™m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!

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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

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When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnโ€™t believe the network traffic.

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My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, โ€œOh, nothing. Itโ€™s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ€

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โ€œGee, I never knew you played football.โ€

I said, โ€œWell, I donโ€™t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ€

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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, โ€œHow much money do you make a week?โ€

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, โ€œI make a little over $400 a week, why?โ€

The CEO said, โ€œWait right here.โ€

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash, and said, โ€œHereโ€™s four weeksโ€™ pay. Now GET OUT and donโ€™t come back.โ€

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, โ€œDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?โ€

From across the room, a voice said, โ€œSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.โ€

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

Theyโ€™re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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Boss: โ€œDo you believe in life after death?โ€

Employee: โ€œNo, because there is no proof of it.โ€

Boss: โ€œWell there is now!โ€

Employee: โ€œHow?โ€

Boss: โ€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโ€™s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ€

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Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, โ€œI can make the boss give me the day off.โ€

The man replies, โ€œAnd how would you do that?โ€

The woman says, โ€œJust wait and see.โ€

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, โ€œWhat are you doing?โ€

The woman replies, โ€œIโ€™m a light bulb.โ€

The boss then says, โ€œYouโ€™ve been working so much that youโ€™ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.โ€

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, โ€œWhere are you going?โ€

The man says, โ€œIโ€™m going home, too. I canโ€™t work in the dark.โ€

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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weโ€™ll see about that.

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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

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The boss said I should go home because I really donโ€™t look good.

I donโ€™t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

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Two friends talking:

โ€œHey, can I borrow some money? Iโ€™m broke.โ€

โ€œGet money from your job.โ€

โ€œI got fired.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ€

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