Book Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Book Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Book Jokes


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, β€œWhere’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

An itsy bitsy book.

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I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.

It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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I’m reading a romance book in Braille.Β I don’t think I’ll finish.

It’s too touchy-feely for me.

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Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?

It was talking too much gas-babble.

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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?

To break the space ice.

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Why was the book of incantations useless?

Because the author failed to do a spell-check.

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Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?

It was the wicked witch of rest.

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What is the definition of overcast?

WhenΒ Harry PotterΒ messes up a spell.

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What isΒ Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling.

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Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

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Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

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What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created Minecraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?

That he had a colored past.

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A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian stares at him for a while, then asks, β€œWho’s gonna bring it back?”

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I wrote a novel about religious women.

The library put it in the nun fiction section.

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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.

The librarian says, β€œThey’re right behind you!”

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I got the book β€œInternet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.

But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.

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Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?

When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner?

No?

Me neither.

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I taught my son speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him Moody.

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How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?

With Dementos.

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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?

Why so Sirius?

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Why does Voldemort only use Twitter and not Facebook?

Because he only has followers, not friends.

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What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?

A Volt-demort.

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Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?

Because he was cursing in class.

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Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?

Nobody nose.

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What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?

The Dinosorcerer.

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Facebook is like a fridge.

Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.

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Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

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I want to make a Facebook account, and the name will be Nobody, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.

And it will say β€œNobody likes this”.

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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.

To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.

He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.

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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him.

β€œAre you a duck?” asked the man, surprised.

Duck: β€œYes.”

Man: β€œWhat are you doing at the movies?”

The duck replied, β€œWell, I liked the book.”

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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me.

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My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.

Which is kind of weird considering he could’ve just used bricks or something.

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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.

She said, β€œYou’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.

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April 4th. National School Librarian Day.

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.

She said, β€œThat sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”

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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...

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I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I alreadyΒ have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.

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A woman took a nap on New Year’s Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, β€œI just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, β€œAha, you’ll know tonight!”

At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.

Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titledΒ β€œThe Meaning of Dreams”.

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I’m changing my name to Benefits on Facebook.

Next time someone adds me, It will say β€œYou are now friends with Benefits”.

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Two goats are eating garbage.

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he’s done, the second one asks, β€œHow did you like the movie?”

The first one responds, β€œIt was OK, but I liked the book better.”

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Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?

He couldn’t put it down.

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A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

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Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?

He’s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.

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What do aliens like to read?

Comet books!

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What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?

Hairy Potter.

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The astronauts were pretty upset there was no Wi-Fi on the moon, they wanted to update their spacebook status!

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Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?

They have too many different morels.

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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...

You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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Teacher: β€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: β€œMy father’s checkbook.”

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