Enjoy our team's carefully selected Body Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
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How do you make a wolf laugh?
Give him a funny bone.
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How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?
No matter what, they always seemed a bit short handed.
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Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldnβt handle the bars.
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Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
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Thereβs a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out peopleβs molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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Have you heard about the new trend?
People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.
Itβs pie-on-earring fashion.
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Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying βEmployees must wash handsβ.
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
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A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
βHow can you shoot someone five times by accident?β the officer asked.
βWell, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,β the man said.
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Chuck Norris can punch you in the back of the face.
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Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!
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Chuck Norris doesnβt wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground.
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet.
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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child complied, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
βHit him again,β the 5-year-old said. βHe shouldnβt have crawled up there in the first place!β
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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
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The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWho.β
βWho, who?β
βHooves are what deer have on their feetβ¦β
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, βI canβt believe itβs not Buddha!β
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Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I donβt like her chances.
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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How does a broken ankle apologize?
βIβm sorry for being such a stumbling block.β
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
βLetβs stay positive and get back on our feet!β
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Why did the broken leg go to school?
It wanted to learn how to breakdance.
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Why didΒ Taylor SwiftΒ bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the βbreak-upβ songs sheβs famous for.
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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, βI put our teenage sonβs shorts in his underwear drawer.β
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How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?
By asking for his phoneβs passcode before calling 911.
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Husband: βHello, 911? Yes, thereβs this Hindu fellow whoβs been following my wife around for the past few hours, and itβs starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and heβs... praying, or something.β
911 operator: βSir, calm down, thereβs no issue hereβHindus are well known to worship cows.β
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
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Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance.Β All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, β911, whatβs your emergency?β
I said, βYes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital itβs going to, I can deliver it right now!β
The operator replied, βIβm sorry sir, but you canβt transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.β
I asked, βWhat kind of vehicle would that be?β
The operator said, βA toe-truck!β
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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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I tried to dye my dogβs hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didnβt work out.
I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.
But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.
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I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.
But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.
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The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
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My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
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What do youΒ callΒ a hip bone thatβs late for surgery?
Hip-late.
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How did the hip bone feel after surgery?
Absolutely joint-ful!
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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.
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Whatβs a hipsterβs favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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Whatβs a hip replacementβs favorite type ofΒ music?
Hip-hop.
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What do you callΒ a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
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Why did the hip bone go to theΒ coffeeΒ shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
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How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a jointΒ vacation.
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Why did the orthopedicΒ surgeonΒ bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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What did one hip replacement say to the other?
βYou crack me up!β
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Why was the hip replacement patient alwaysΒ winningΒ atΒ poker?
Because they always had aΒ coupleΒ of joints up their sleeve.
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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying itβs the new hip place to be.
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My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
Heβs laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
βWho are you?β the guy asks.
βIβm your hip replacement.β
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Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasnβt gotten all the hair off her tongue.
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Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp.
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Yo daddy is so ugly that he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Yo daddy so fat he wore a gray shirt to the zoo, they thought the elephants escaped.
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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
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Yo daddy so fat when God said βlet there be lightβ, he asked him to move out of the way.
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Yo sister so fat that when she took a selfie, Instagram crashed.
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Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
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Yo sister so fat sheβs the reason London Bridge is falling down.
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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The red panda had a wild night last night.
He was caught red-handed.
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Red pandas never skip leg day.
Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.Β He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldnβt find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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Whatβs a fat ghostβs biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
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What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, βEnglander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.β
The English prisoner said, βWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.β
The German replied, βYeah, that will not be a problem.β
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, βWell, could drop it over England like you did last time.β
βYeah, that will be done,β says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, βWell, could you do the same as before?β
The German replies, βYeah.β
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
βWell,β begins the Brit, βcould you just...β
The German snapped, βNo! We think you are trying to escape!β
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A construction worker lost his hand in an workplace accident.
The insurance company is trying to figure out how it happened, but they canβt quite put their finger on it.
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Youβre so fat you can use Google Maps to find your own belly button.
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Youβre so fat your neck is wider than your head.
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Doctor: βYes, what is it I can do for you?β
Blond: βDoctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my bodyβs blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesnβt anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?β
Doctor: βThe factβs your legs are not that hollow as your head is.β
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes.
Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swiftβs hair comb in an online auction?
Itβs his closest brush with fame.
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As an archeologist, I organized a party with my friend to help me excavate the lower leg of a T-Rex fossil.
Itβs going to be quite a shin dig.
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Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man.
Heβs always looking over his shoulder.
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, βStay here and be very quiet. Iβll be across the field.β
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
βWhatβs wrong?β the father asked. βI told you to be quiet.β
The son answered, βLook, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said βShould we eat them here or take them with us?β I guess I just panicked.β
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What do you call an Asian electrician who is skinny?
Light Ning.
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Why did the husband say after grabbing his wifeβs love handles while looking at all her skin?
βYou are so skinny.β
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What is the name of a skinny Pakistani cow?
A moo-slim.
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What was the skinny scientist so excited about?
He just won the no-belly prize.
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.
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An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, βWell, my pet chicken, of course!β
βIβm sorry,β The girl tells him. βWe canβt allow animals in the cinema.β
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick itβs head out and watch the film.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, βAgnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!β
Agnes whispers back, βOh, donβt worry about it... youβve seen one, youβve seen them all.β
Madge says, βI KNOW... but this oneβs eating my POPCORN!β
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Mom: βYou keep dropping popcorn.β
Me: βSorry, butter fingers.β
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Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.
It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders.
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Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant?
Because itβs arm-y.
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What has four legs but canβt walk?
Half an octopus.
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A little girl ran up to her father, shouting, βDaddy, Daddy! Can you guess how old Iβll be in October?β
The father laughed, βOh, I donβt know princess, why donβt you tell me?β
She gave him a huge smile and held up four fingers.
Itβs now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still wonβt say where she got them.
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What is going through a mothβs mind when it flies into a car windshield?
Its abdomen.
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I had a terrible Labor Day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.
Sheβs all right now.
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Itβs hotter than the cracks in my dadβs beer belly.
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A wife asked her husband, βWhat do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?β
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, βI like your sense of humor!β
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What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
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What did the Elf on the Shelf put on his face after shaving?
Elftershave.
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Donβt forget you are what you eat.
I need to eat a skinny person.
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Whatβs a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
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Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.
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I went to a bar last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.
I said, βNice legs.β
The girl giggled and said with a smile, βDo you really think so?β
I said βDefinitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.β
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Donβt let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, itβs mind control!
I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky.
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John came to school with a scar on his forehead.
Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his father's fault.
John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.
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I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
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A burglar broke into our house last night.
I didnβt shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. Sheβs at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
βIβm all ears.β
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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
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Your ears are so big if I blew a hairdryer in your face youβd take off.
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A mother tells her little boy, βJohnny, you mustnβt eat too many lollies or Iβll hide the lolly jar.β
Johnny asks, βWhy?β
His mother says, βBecause something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!β
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, βI know what youβve been doing.β
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A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, βOh, what cute kittens!β
The boy replies, βYes, they are Christian kittens.β
About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says, βMy, those are just adorable!β
The boy replies, βYes, they are atheist kittens.β
The man asks, βWait, werenβt they Christian before?β
The boy looks at the man and says, βYeah, but they have their eyes open now.β
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Three soccer playersβone plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalβare lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, βWell, since Iβm from ManCHESTer, Iβll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, βWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, βIβm not hungry...β
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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, βWhat is this, Father?β
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, βSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donβt know what it is.β
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, βSon, go get your mother.β
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
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A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.
After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, βHumm, buffalo come.β
The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.
βI see nothing,β he says to the scout, βhow do you know buffalo are coming?β
βEar sticky,β says the scout.
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What do you call a man with one leg?
Anything you want. He canβt run fast enough to catch you.
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still donβt know to whom that leg belonged.
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
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Why do one-legged people like beer?
Because itβs made with hops.
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
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My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.
It was a flop.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
Sheβs in charge of the hops.
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I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.
So I pushed the guy over.
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What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears.
A left ear.
A right ear.
And a final frontier.
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The human brain is amazing.
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasnβt noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
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Teacher: βClass, choose between money and brain.β
Akpos: βIβd go for the money!β
Teacher: βIβd go for brain!β
Akpos: βWell, everybody goes for what he doesnβt have.β
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You know youβre 50 when youβre thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
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You know youβre 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantβs backside.
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You know youβre 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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You know youβre 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canβt see over your belly.
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You know youβre 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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Why did the dog pour nacho cheese over peopleβs feet?
He wanted Dori-toes.
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What did the Patriot apply to the dry patches on the skin?
Revo-lotion.
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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldnβt count on me.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverβs license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
βCan you read this?β the optician asked.
βWhat do you mean if I can read this?β the Polish guy replied, βI know the dude.β
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I donβt brush my teeth, I count them!
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
A face like yours, belongs in a zoo.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Iβve got five fingers, guess which one is for you?
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Pepito tells his mother from the shower, βMom, the shampoo is over.β
Mother: βWell, Pepito, use mine then.β
Pepito: βCanβt.β
Mother: βBecause?β
Pepito: βBecause it says itβs for dry hair, and I already have it wet.β
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Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.
Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, βLook, the bear and I are both carnivores. Itβs been a couple days without food. You understand, right?β
The moose says, βYeah, I guess youβre right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but Iβve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?β
The wolf says, βOf course.β
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, βI donβt even know why the hell I looked. I canβt even read.β
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Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
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How can you tell Minecraft characters watch too much TV?
They all have square eyes.
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Why are they called the armed forces?
Because itβs hard to fight a war with just your legs.
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I mustache Mario a question, but Iβll shave it for later.
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Why do llamas have such long necks?
To make sure their heads stay on.
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What do you call a llama with his head underwater?
Anything you want, he canβt hear you.
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Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.
Never spit in his face.
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A man approaches a priest.
βBless me, Father, for I have sinned,β he says. βIβve spent the week with seven beautiful women.β
βDo not fret, my son,β says the priest. βAll you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.β
βWill that cleanse my sin from me?β
βNo, but itβll wipe that smile off your face.β
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says itβs perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
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Why did the woman with the bad knee go to the mathematician?
Because her knees were giving her problems she couldnβt solve.
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What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?
Courtney.
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Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
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What is it called when your knee transplant fails?
Iron-knee.
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Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
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My friends keep calling me a joker.
But no matter how many decks of cards I search through, I still canβt find my face on a single one.
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Iβm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Yearβs resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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Why are short people better than tall people?
They are more down to earth.
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Why are tall people always so well rested?
Because they sleep longer in bed.
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Every time a tall person bumps their head, somewhere a short person is smiling.
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How many tall people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to get a chair and the other one to call a short person for help.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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Whatβs a tall personβs worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
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What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?
βI just wish he was a little patient.β
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Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat?
Because they are lazy and have small hands.
π π π
Teacher: βWhich is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?β
Pupil: βNone of them. Itβs better to use a pen or pencil.β
π π π
What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?
An ambulance.
π π π
A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
βSorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,β explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, βBut it landed on my property, so itβs mine.β
βExcuse me? You canβt just take whatβs mine! Hand it over, right now!β The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmerβs grin gets bigger.
βAlright alright,β the farmer says calmingly. βLetβs settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. Iβll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then youβll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.β
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, βNow itβs my turn!β
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, βNah, man, Itβs fine, you can have it. Hereβs the goose, I didnβt want it anyway,β and walks off, laughing out loud.
π π π
What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
π π π
Minnie came out of her room after changing for a dinner party. Goofy was there.
Minnie asked, βGoofy, how do I look?β
Goofy replied, βLike everyone else, with your eyes!β
π π π
A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.
When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home. The humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard.
Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, βWhat is that on your back?!β
The man replies, βOh, thatβs my hump.β
βGive it to me!β the gnome snarls, and he magically grabs the manβs hump.
The next day, the man returns to the bar to tell his peg leg friend how he got magically cured of his hump.
βNo more pain, I can walk straight! That gnome gave me my life back!β he yelled.
That night, when the bar closes, the peg leg decides to try his luck too, and takes the route through the graveyard.
Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, βWhat is that on your back?!β
The man blinks and stutters, βEh... I have nothing in my back, but...β
And the gnome snarls, βHere, Iβve got a spare hump for you!β
π π π
I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.
Fortunately it was a soft drink.
π π π
What do you call someone who isnβt a redhead but colors their hair red later in life?
A trans-ginger
π π π
What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
π π π
Why was the killer relentlessly killing fat people on Friday the 13th?
He wanted to be a mass murderer.
π π π
A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.
As they are waiting in line at the doctorβs office, their desperation builds up untill right before itβs the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox, βFox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!β
The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.
A few moments later, he gets out yelling, βI was rejected, guys!β
βBecause of your ear?β they ask.
βYes, because without it, I canβt detect the enemy as well,β says rabbit.
βGood thinking,β they say.
And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, βRip my tail off!β
The bear doesnβt even hesitate and does so.
Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.
After a while he comes back yelling, βI am rejected too! Without my tail, I canβt be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.β
Now it was the bearβs turn to ask, βQuickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isnβt scary at all!β
The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.
He then proceeds to go inside the doctorβs office.
Not long after he gets out, he shouts, βRejecwew!β
βNice,β they say. βBecause of your teeth, right?β
βNwo,β says the bear. βToo fat.β
π π π
I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
π π π
Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
π π π
Itβs pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird.
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
π π π
Why are flamingoβs legs so long?
Because if they werenβt then they couldnβt reach the ground.
π π π
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If youβd like to lose a half pound right now, press β1β 18 000 times.
π π π
One day a boy went swimming in a lake. He soon got into trouble, though and was starting to drown.
Luckily, there was a firefighter by the lake who swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR.
A crowed gathered round and watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. Water kept pouring from the boyβs mouthe ach time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later, seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boyβs mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop.
Just then, a paramedic arrived, quickly ran over to the firefighter and said, βHey, Chief! You better get that kidβs butt out of the water before you pump that lake dry.β
π π π
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, heβs planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
Heβs going to call it YouTwitFace.
π π π
Why did the smiley face have hair over its face?
Itβs an emo-ji.
π π π
What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
π π π
I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.
I canβt believe how much I was charged.
π π π
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
π π π
Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?
He had an appointment.
π π π
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg.
π π π
My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.
It used to be a dolphin.
π π π
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
π π π
A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, βThatβll be $500, please.β
The patient says, βWhat! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? Thatβs a complete rip-off!β
The dentist replies, βWell, I can make it longer if youβd like.β
π π π
My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though heβs much older than me, he has healthier teeth.
I said it must be because he has a better dentist.
π π π
Iβve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
π π π
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, βDo you smoke or drink coffee?β
I told him I drink it.
π π π
I went to the doctor today for a checkup, and he showed me on a chart that Iβm 20 pounds overweight.
But I pointed out that using his very same data, Iβm not overweight, I just need to be 3 inches taller.
π π π
Why was the cyclists right arm shorter than his left?
Because once he left his right turn signal on.
π π π
Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet.
But most have just four.
π π π
I watched the cricket for four hours today and I finally understand it...
It uses its legs to make a noise.
π π π
Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.
They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.
Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didnβt run away.
π π π
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I donβt think anyone saw the funny side.
π π π
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickenβs foot.
π π π
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
π π π
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
π π π
A brain walks into a bar and says, βIβll have a pint of beer please.β
The barman looks at him and says, βIβm sorry, but I canβt serve you.β
βWhy not?β asks the brain.
βYouβre already out of your head.β
π π π
I finally figured out whatβs wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.
π π π
Doctor: βYour brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.β
Me: βThanks for reminding me.β
π π π
Never break someoneβs heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
π π π
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, βHow old are they?β
The guard replies, βThey are 73 million, four years, and six months old.β
βThatβs a rather exact number,β says the tourist. βHow do you know their age so precisely?β
βWell,β answers the guard, βThe dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.β
π π π
Bison Theory
A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
π π π
My wife said, βIf we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.β
I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
π π π
A scientist is doing experiments on an ant.
He puts the ant on the table and says, βWalk, ant, walk!β
The ant walks to the other side of the table.
The man writes in his notepad: The ant with 6 legs walks.
He then proceeds to take one leg off the insect and repeats the same process.
βWalk, ant, walk!β
The ant walks slower but reaches the other side of the table.
The scientist writes in his notepad: The ant with 5 legs walks.
After repeating the process 4 more times, he takes off the final leg, puts it on the table, and says, βWalk, ant, walk!β
The ant doesnβt move, so he tries again, βWalk, ant, walk!β
Again, the ant doesnβt move, so he writes in his notepad: The ant with 0 legs becomes deaf.
π π π
Iβve studied Basic Human Anatomy so much.
I know it like the back of my hand.
π π π
If you get kissed by an alpaca, itβs not the end of the world.
Itβs the alpaca-lips.
π π π
Thereβs a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, βIβm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say Iβm pretty disappointed.β
π π π
My grandad is getting old and heβs starting to have a hard time with all the stares.
Itβs his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.
π π π
You know youβre getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
π π π
A telephone rang.
βHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?β
βYes, it is,β came the reply.
βThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.β
π π π
Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
π π π
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
βWhen you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?β asked the lawyer.
βI didnβt,β said the doctor.
βAnd did you listen for a heartbeat?β said the lawyer.
βNo, I did not,β the doctor said.
βSo, in other words,β the lawyer said, βwhen you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.β
βWell, let me put it this way,β said the doctor, βat that point, the manβs brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he couldβve been out practicing law somewhere!β
π π π
Why canβt penguins fly?
Theyβre not tall enough to be pilots.
π π π
What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician?
A tattoo.
π π π
Want to hear something thatβll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
π π π
Why are T-Rexβs unable to clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
π π π
Two snakes are slithering down the road and chatting.
Snake 1: βOh, boy. I hope Iβm not venomous...β
Snake 2: βWait, what? Why?β
Snake 1: βBecause I just bit my tongue.β
π π π
Iβm balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now Iβm never sad!
π π π
What do you call dental X-rays?
Tooth pics.
π π π
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
π π π
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
π π π
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
π π π
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesnβt matter what you call him, he ainβt gonna come.
π π π
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
π π π
Why shouldnβt you ask Yoda for money?
Heβs a little short.
π π π
Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
π π π
I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
π π π
Where does a majority of a hockey playerβs salary come from?
The tooth fairy.
π π π
2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.
Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.
A player on the bench says, βAt least he got ice on it right away.β
π π π
Which clients do short auditors like best?
Small businessmen.
π π π
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, βWell, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Iβm not sure the IRS finds that believable.β
βIβm a great gambler, and I can prove it,β says Grandpa. βHow about a demonstration?β
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, βOkay. Go ahead.β
Grandpa says, βIβll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.β
The auditor thinks a moment and says, βItβs a bet.β
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditorβs jaw drops.
Grandpa says, βNow, Iβll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.β
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isnβt blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpaβs attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
βWant to go double or nothing?β Grandpa asks. βIβll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.β
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides thereβs no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he canβt make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditorβs desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpaβs own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
βAre you okay?β the auditor asks.
βNot really,β says the attorney. βThis morning, when Grandpa told me heβd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that youβd be happy about it!β
π π π
A boy was riding his bicycle, and he sees his mom on the porch.
He releases the handle and yells to his mom, βLook mom, no hands!β
His mom replies, βBe careful, honey.β
Then he releases his legs from the pedals and says, βLook mom, no legs!β
His mom replies more sternly, βBe careful, honey.β
The little boy then abruptly falls, to the dismay of his mom.
The boy slowly gets back up and says, βLook mom, no teeth!β
π π π
I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
βBASTARD!β I shouted, through gritted teeth.
π π π
A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: βDoc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?β
Doc: βGet a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, heβll call his friends to join him out.β
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: βBOYS, BRING IT IN!β
π π π
I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?
Banned from the supermarket.
π π π
Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
π π π
What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
π π π
Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
π π π
I donβt hate leg day.
Itβs the two days after I canβt stand.
π π π
Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.
Unfortunately, itβs only for my left arm.
π π π
What is a pirateβs least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
π π π
I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said, βNothing, just bring a happy face.β
I had to cancel.
π π π
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
π π π
Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
π π π
A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.
Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, βDid you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?β
The fellow turns to him and says, βHave you tried mouthwash?β
π π π
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
π π π
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
π π π
Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I canβt believe itβs not butter.
π π π
A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmerβs door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
βWell, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.β
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didnβt understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
βWell, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it werenβt for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.β
The man was flabbergasted, βSir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still donβt understand why it has two wooden legs?β
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, βSon, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you donβt eat all at once.β
π π π
I didnβt know that Covid-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
π π π
βAll the kids make fun of me,β the boy cried to his mother, βThey say I have a big head.β
βDonβt listen to them,β his mother comforted him, βYou have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.β
Boy: βWhereβs the shopping bag?β
Mother: βI havenβt got one, use your hat.β
π π π
Your head is so big, when you try to tie your shoes, you flip over.
π π π
Yo head is so big if it were a bowling ball, score a strike every time.
π π π
Yo head is so big, if I shot a basket with yo head it would get stuck in the rim.
π π π
Your head is so big that the rest of your body will never get a tan.
π π π
Your head is so big, the airlines charge you an extra $25 to bring it aboard.
π π π
Your head is so big that you need to be careful to stay away from needles and pins, so it doesnβt pop.
π π π
Wow, you must have extremely strong shoulders...
To hold that absolute mega-size head up.
π π π
Your head is so big that you got booted from the stadium for blocking the skybox views.
π π π
As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
π π π
Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
π π π
Your forehead is so big, youβll never have enough hair for bangs.
π π π
Your forehead is what happens when you keep your thoughts to yourself.
π π π
I bet itβs cool, you can change the TV channels with your mind.
π π π
At least youβll never go broke...
You can always rent out parking spots on your forehead.
π π π
With a forehead like yours, Dora would get lost exploring it.
π π π
The good news is that you could make a lot of money by selling billboard space on your forehead.
π π π
I wasnβt staring at you...
I was trying to figure out if thatβs your forehead or the moon.
π π π
Your forehead is so big you use an extra mattress as a pillow.
π π π
Your forehead is so big that if Michelangelo ever started painting frescoes on your forehead, it would take him four years to complete it.
π π π
Your forehead is so big it could carry all the passengers of the Titanic.
π π π
Your forehead is so big that it made Mona Lisa smile.
π π π
Your forehead is so big your entire face is on your chin.
π π π
Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
π π π
Your forehead is so big, it gets home before you do.
π π π
This morning, my son said his ear hurt and I asked, βOn the inside or outside?β
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, βBoth.β
π π π
How do mountains hear?
With mountaineers.
π π π
My wife just now: βDo menβs ears actually work, or are they just for decoration?β
Me: βWhat?β
π π π
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, βWhat happened to your ears?β
He says, βYesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.β
The boss says, βWell, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?β
He says, βWell, geez, I had to call the doctor.β
π π π
Son: βMom! Mom! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears!β
Mom: βOh really? Iβll talk to them. Where are they?β
Son: βIn the next town over!β
π π π
Yo mamaβs ears are so big she can hear what Iβm thinking.
π π π
Yo mamaβs ears are so big she can hear sign language.
π π π
What do you call people with big ears?
Nothing, they might hear you.
π π π
Your ears are so big you donβt need a parachute when you go base jumping.
π π π
Your ears are so big you use shower heads as earbuds.
π π π
Your ears are so big you donβt need an alarm clock.
You can hear the sun come up in the morning.
π π π
My wallet is like an onion.
Whenever I open it my eyes tear up.
π π π
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, βIβve got to take you in, sir. Youβre obviously drunk.β
The wasted wino asked, βOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iβm drunk?β
Yeah, buddy, Iβm sure,β said the copper. βLetβs go.β
Obviously relieved, the wino said, βThatβs a reliefβI thought I was a cripple.β
π π π
Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, βA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?β
βBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.β
π π π
Patient: βDoctor, I think that Iβve been bitten by a vampire.β
Doctor: βDrink this glass of water.β
Patient: βWill it make me better?β
Doctor: βNo, but Iβll be able to see if your neck leaks.β
π π π
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
π π π
What is a vampireβs worst fear?
Tooth decay.
π π π
What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
π π π
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
π π π
The skeleton didnβt mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
π π π
What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
π π π
Why donβt people like Dracula?
Heβs a pain in the neck.
π π π
Why did the skeleton run away?
Because a dog was after his bones.
π π π
What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. Itβs good for business.
π π π
Itβs so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
π π π
Itβs so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
π π π
Itβs so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
π π π
One snowman said to another, βIβd heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...β
π π π
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
π π π
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months Iβm protected against heartworms and fleas.
π π π
Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
Itβs the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youβre up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donβt bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
π π π
My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my βphacistβ.
π π π
A guy walks into a pharmacy: βI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iβm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?β
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
π π π
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, βGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.β
π π π
What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
βYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!β
π π π
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, βHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.β
π π π
I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
π π π
When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonaldβs.
π π π
Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.
π π π
You know youβre going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
π π π
The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.
π π π
Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
π π π
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
π π π
What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
π π π
I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...
Now I have heinzsight.
π π π
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
π π π
Why did Spider-Man decide to join the swim team?
Because he had webbed feet!
π π π
Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
π π π
Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?
He has Peter Parkinsons.
π π π
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyoneβs amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, βDid you see what your monkey just did?β
βNo, what?β
βHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table β whole!β
βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me,β replied the guy, βHe eats everything in sight, donβt worry, Iβll pay for the cue ball.β
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, βDid you see what that filthy ape just did?β
βNo, what?β asked the man.
βWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.β
βYeah, that doesnβt surprise me,β replied the guy. βHeβll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.β
π π π
Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
π π π
How do you know thereβs no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
π π π
Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
π π π
Why was everyone keeping their food on my friendβs head?
He had got a bowl cut!
π π π
I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
π π π
When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, βGod, how could you do this to me?β
And a voice from the heavens responded, βTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnβt recognize you.β
π π π
Since quarantine Iβve not had a haircut. Hell, Iβve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
π π π
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
Itβs my wifeβs birthday and I thought, βWhat the hell! Iβll treat her.β
π π π
Yo mommaβs so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbaccaβs cousin.
π π π
Yo mamaβs back is so hairy it looks like sheβs giving Chewbacca a piggyback ride.
π π π
Yo mommaβs so hairy she looks like she has two Ewoks in a headlock.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so hairy that people run up to her and say βChewbacca, can I get your autograph?β.
π π π
Yo mama is so tall the Kaminoans had to look up to see her face.
π π π
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
π π π
Yo mommaβs so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said βITβS CHEWBACCA!β.
π π π
Yo mommaβs so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat when Vader cut off her hand gravy would have come out had it not been cauterized by the lightsaber.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so hairy that when she was born she looked like Chewbacca!
π π π
Yo mommaβs so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.
π π π
Yo mamma so hairy that Han Solo mistaken her for Chewbackaο»Ώ.
π π π
Yo mama so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie.
π π π
Youβre so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
π π π
Youβre so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
π π π
Youβre so short that I canβt see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
π π π
Youβre so short that Michelangelo could make a life-size sculpture of you with 1 can of Play-Doh.
π π π
Youβre so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.
π π π
You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
π π π
You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.
π π π
Youβre so short that you can save on rent by living in a dollβs house.
π π π
Youβre so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
π π π
Youβre so short you can swing your legs when you sit on a stool.
π π π
Youβre so short you could sweep under your bed while standing.
π π π
Youβre so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short she sat on a coin and her feet didnβt touch the ground.
π π π
Your mama is so short she doesnβt roll dice she pushes them.
π π π
Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.
π π π
Your mommaβs hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille OβNeal.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she has to look up to look down.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she does pull-ups on a staple.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she can play handball on the curb.
π π π
Your mama so short she sleeps in a mini house.
π π π
Your mama so short she needs a ladder to touch the ground.
π π π
Your mommaβs so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
π π π
Your momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.
π π π
Your mama is so short she has to cuff her underwear.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she can run track around the toilet!
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that when I was dissinβ her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that she can limbo under the door.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that her homies are the Keebler Elves.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short during the election Donald Trump accidentally stepped on her and he thought he stepped on a brownieο»Ώ.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didnβt touch the ground.
π π π
Your mamaβs so short she does backflips under the bed.
π π π
Your mama so short she went under Trumpβs wallο»Ώ.
π π π
Your mama so short she doesnβt need the door cause she can get through the mouse hole.
π π π
Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldnβt reach the steering wheel.
π π π
Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
π π π
Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
π π π
Your mama is so small she hangs glides on a Doritos!
π π π
Your mama so short you can see her feet on her driverβs license.
π π π
Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
π π π
What do you get when you shave off a neckbeardβs neckbeard?
Mβstache.
π π π
There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, βBe nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.β
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
βYou go first!β
βNo, you go first!β
π π π
Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
π π π
I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
π π π
A bearded man walks into a bar, βEverybodyβs drinks are on me tonight!β
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, βHow much should I pay?β
βNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.β
βOk,β and he left.
π π π
My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...
But now, I must say, itβs growing on me.
π π π
Then I said, βYour beard makes you look thinner.β
...But that didnβt seem to cheer her up.
π π π
When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
π π π
I was thinking of getting rid of the beard.
But Iβve had it for so long that at this point, it makes the decisions for me.
π π π
Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lionβs fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
π π π
What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
π π π
Why are beards so polite?
Because theyβre well-groomed.
π π π
What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
βYou ought to shavour every bite!β
π π π
Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
π π π
Why couldnβt the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?
He couldnβt get to the root of it.
π π π
Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
π π π
Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
π π π
Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
π π π
Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
π π π
Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
π π π
Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?
Heβs a bald-faced liar.
π π π
What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
π π π
What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
π π π
Why didnβt the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
π π π
Why isnβt Santa allowed to shave his beard?
Itβs in his Clause.
π π π
Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
π π π
Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
π π π
Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
π π π
Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?
He wanted a hairytale ending.
π π π
Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
π π π
Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?
The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!
π π π
What did the man say before shaving off his beard?
βHair goes nothing!β
π π π
What did the beard say after growing back on the manβs face?
βIβve been hair before!β
π π π
What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
βAll good things must comb to an end.β
π π π
Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
π π π
Why did the man who couldnβt grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
π π π
Why did the bearded manβs shaving product business flop?
Because of the razor-thin margins.
π π π
Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
Theyβre naturally attached to it.
π π π
Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
π π π
Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?
If he didnβt, things would get a bit hairy.
π π π
My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest...
Itβs neck and neck right now.
π π π
Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
π π π
Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
π π π
What do you call a goat with a beard?
A goatee.
π π π
How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
π π π
Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didnβt make it.
π π π
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it!
π π π
Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
π π π
Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
π π π
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
π π π
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
π π π
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each otherβs eyes.
π π π
Yo mama so tall even Titans can look up her skirt.
π π π
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot took her picture.
π π π
Yo mama so hairy she found herself in a cage at the zoo.
π π π
Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.
π π π
Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
π π π
Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
π π π
Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
π π π
Yo mama so fat Rick and Morty thought her belly button was a portal to another dimension.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
π π π
Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
π π π
Yo mama so fat her belt is the equator.
π π π
Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldnβt get in nor out.
π π π
Yo mama so fat Naruto couldnβt make enough shadow clones to surround her.
π π π
Yo mama so fat her splash attack does damage.
π π π
Yo mama so fat every time she turns around itβs her birthday.
π π π
Yo mama so fat Donald Trump used her as the border wall.
π π π
Yo mama so fat she wakes up on both sides of the bed.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she sat on the iPod she made the iPad!
π π π
Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone sheβs in.
π π π
Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnβt even force choke her.
π π π
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.
π π π
Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
π π π
Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.
π π π
Yo mama so fat Cupidβs arrows couldnβt pierce her.
π π π
Yo mama so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out βtaxi!β.
π π π
Yo mama so fat her school pictures were taken by a satellite.
π π π
Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
π π π
Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
π π π
Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and itβs still printing.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she lands in Fortnite she gets a Victory Royale.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat not even a ninja could carry her in a Fortnite battle.
π π π
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
π π π
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
π π π
Warning!
Do not look at the sun through a colander.
Youβll strain your eyes.
π π π
Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
π π π
What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
π π π
What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentineβs day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
π π π
I hope you like veggies cause I love you from my head tomatoes.
π π π
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnβt even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonβs choice.
βMom, can I escort Helen?β
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted βnoβ, she surprised hear.
βSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!β
π π π
I like to show my girlfriend whoβs the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
π π π
A T-Rex told his girlfriend, βI love you this much,β as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, βThatβs not very much at all!β
π π π
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but itβs just not as big.
π π π
A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bearβs cage and says, βThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donβt touch his nose.β
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man canβt no longer withstand, βI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!β
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the manβs shoulder and says, βYou are it!β
π π π
You know what they say βBig shoes, big nose, big handsβ?
Probably a clown.
π π π
My 2 year old sisterβs stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
π π π
Thereβs a reason our nose is in the middle of our face.
Itβs because thatβs the scenter.
π π π
A man went to the doctor and said, βI think I am upside down.β
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, βBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.β
π π π
I went to travel to the meadow where I always used to play when I was a child.
There were familiar scents all over.
It was very nose-talgic.
π π π
Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
π π π
Yo mamaβs nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
π π π
Yo mamaβs breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonβs nose.
π π π
At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.
But itβs grown on me.
π π π
When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When itβs a snowmanβs nose!
π π π
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, βDoctor, my friends are all being awful people! Theyβre all telling me I fart all the time, and itβs just plain rude of them!
βOh really?β The doctor says.
βYEAH! Theyβre ALL silent so I have no idea why theyβd point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!β
βI see,β the doctor says.
βYEAH!! Iβve even felt a few fly out in the office and youβve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.β
βHere, take these pills, they should help you out.β The doctor says.
Itβs been a day now, and the doctorβs pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, βDoctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! Iβm farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!β
After a deep breath, the doctor says, βNow that your nose is fixed, letβs work on your gas and ears.β
π π π
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, βThereβs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?β
The husband thinks for a second and says, βHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.β
The wife replies, βWell what about the smell?β
The husband says, βItβll be alright, just hold its nose.β
π π π
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnβt stop as fast.
π π π
I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
π π π
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
π π π
When you laugh the whole world will laugh with you. But if you sneeze, the world will say goodbye to you.
π π π
Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
π π π
Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
π π π
My poor dog doesnβt have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
π π π
Why canβt your nose be 14 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about having a big nose?
Youβre the first to know when dinnerβs ready!
π π π
An anteater walks into a bar.
βHaving a nice day?β asks the barman.
βNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!β says the anteater.
βWhy the long nos?β asks the barman.
βItβs always been like this,β says the anteater.
π π π
Your nose is so big that when you sneeze... Everyone runs for cover!
π π π
Whatβs the best thing about being an anteater?
Youβre born with a built-in straw!
π π π
Why are elephantβs noses so big?
So they can scratch their bums!
π π π
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first moleβdaddy moleβwakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell bacon!β
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, βMmmmm... I smell pancakes!β
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, βAll I can smell is molasses!β
π π π
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he canβt find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, βWould you dance with me?β
Filled with excitement, she yells, βWould I!β
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, βBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!β
π π π
When do vampires like horse racing?
When itβs neck and neck.
π π π
What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?
A stalk photo.
π π π
Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
π π π
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
π π π
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, βDo you sell carrots?β
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, βNo, this is a pharmacy.β
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, βAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.β
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, βLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.β
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, βDo you sell carrots?β
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
βDo ya seh cahot juys?β
π π π
Patient: βDoctor, doctor! Iβve broken my arm in three places!β
Doctor: βWell, stop going to those places then.β
π π π
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
βIncredible!,β says his friend.
βMedical science is amazing!β
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
βIncredible!,β says his friend.
βMedical science is amazing!β
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but canβt find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, βDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.β
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, βOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.β
π π π
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, βSonny, would you like some nuts? Iβve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youβd like.β
βSure.β, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
βWhat a nice ladyβ, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, βWhy donβt you eat them yourself?β
βBecause weβve got no teeth,β she replied.
βThen why do you buy them?β, I asked.
βOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.β
π π π
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, βHow would you like it if you didnβt see me for two or three days?β
βThat would be fine with meβ, he replied.
Monday went by and he didnβt see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
π π π
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friendβs mustache.
Now sheβs not talking to me.
π π π
Little Johnny yells upstairs: βDad, thereβs a salesman here with a mustache.β
βTell him Iβve got one.β
π π π
Whatβs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
π π π
What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
π π π
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, βSir, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?β
The man gets really annoyed and says, βOfficer, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?β
π π π
You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
π π π
Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
π π π
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
π π π
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, βSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?β
The pirate replies, βWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.β
βWow!β said the seaman.
βWhat about your hook?β
βWell,β replied the pirate, βwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.β
βIncredible!β remarked the seaman.
βHow did you get the eye patch?β
βA seagull dropping fell into my eye,β replied the pirate.
βYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?β the sailor asked incredulously.
βWell,β said the pirate, βit was my first day with my hook...β
π π π
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
π π π
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
π π π
A guy walks into the doctorβs office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, βDoc, this is terrible. Whatβs wrong with me?β
The doctor says, βWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.β
π π π
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
π π π
Why shouldnβt you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
π π π
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
π π π
The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when youβre pushing it home in the winter!
π π π
Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
βThereβs a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.β
π π π
A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.
While heβs waiting a friend sees him and asks what heβs doing.
βIβm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,β Says the idiot.
βNo wonder people call you an idiot,β says the friend. βHow do you know itβs not coming in from the other gate?β
π π π
Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
π π π
Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
π π π
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, βWhy the long face?β
π π π
I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
π π π
Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
π π π
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he canβt get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When heβs finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heβd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, βJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.β
π π π
A balding man was getting a haircut.
The manβs barber said, βDo you know what they say if youβre bald in the front?β
Man: βNo.β
Barber: βThey say youβre a thinker.β
Man: βOh?!β
Barber: βDo you know what they say if youβre bald in the back?β
Man: βNo.β
Barber: βThey say youβre a lover.β
The man perked up.
Man: βWhat do they say if youβre bald in the front and the back?β
Barber: βThat you only think youβre a lover.β
π π π
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
π π π
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
π π π
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
π π π
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A βBβ.
π π π
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
π π π
Wife: βI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?β
Husband: βYou have perfect eyesight.β
π π π
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, βMira el mosca.β
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, βNo, senor, βla moscaβ, es feminina.β
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, βGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.β
π π π
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
π π π
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, βDo you have frog legs?β
The waiter looks offended, βNo, Iβve always walked like that!β
π π π
My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldnβt fix.
I suggested, βBreak its legs.β
π π π
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
π π π
The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
π π π
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess thatβs why they moo.
π π π
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
π π π
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
π π π
Whatβs the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
π π π
Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itβs a shark!
π π π
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
π π π
Whatβs worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
π π π
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
π π π
Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
π π π
Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says βDonβt spit, I canβt swimβ.
π π π
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!β
π π π
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
π π π
There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisβ beard. There is only another fist.
π π π
Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
π π π
Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
π π π
Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
π π π
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
π π π
Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
π π π
Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says βto be continuedβ.
π π π
Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!
π π π
Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
π π π
Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
π π π
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
π π π
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic βA cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, weβll pay you $1,000 if we failβ.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: βI have lost my sense of taste.β
Engineer: βNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientβs mouth.β
Doctor: βThis is Gasoline!β
Engineer: βCongratulations! Youβve got your taste back. That will be $500.β
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: βI have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.β
Engineer: βNurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientβs mouth.β
Doctor: βBut that is Gasoline!β
Engineer: βCongratulations! Youβve got your memory back. That will be $500.β
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: βMy eyesight has become weak.β
Engineer: βNurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patientβs eyes.β
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: βWait, thatβs the box with the gasoline in it!β
Engineer: βCongratulations! Youβve got your vision back! That will be $500.β
π π π
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
π π π
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
π π π
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heβd fall down.
π π π
Whatβs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
π π π
Little Johnnyβs teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, βJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.β
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, βWell miss, you canβt say that you werenβt warned.β
π π π
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
βMama, look what I found,β the boy called out.
βWhat have you got there, dear?β
With astonishment in the young boyβs voice, he answered, βI think itβs Adamβs underwear!β
π π π
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I havenβt fit in my pants since March.
π π π
Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.
π π π
Yo momma so short she canβt say a thing without a microphone!
π π π
Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.
π π π
Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
π π π
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat when she fell I didnβt laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
π π π
Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
π π π
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, βI need your weight, not your phone number.β
π π π
Yo momma so fat she canβt reach her back pocket.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
π π π
Why donβt dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
π π π
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
π π π
