BMW Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected BMW Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

BMW Jokes

Me: “Hello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.”

Dispatcher: “What was the make and model of the vehicle?”

Me: “It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.”

Dispatcher: “How do you spell that?”

Me: “Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.”

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Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.

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An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can’t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.

“Hey man, having car trouble?” the driver asks.

“I’m afraid so,” the driver of the Fiat answers.

“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage,” says the BMW driver.

The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.

As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”

The BMW driver nods his head, “Just honk if I’m going too fast.” With that, he gets in and they drive away.

They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.

As they race down the road, they pass a farm.

The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.

“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.

The farmer replies, “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.”

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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

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According to a new poll, 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.

The other 9 percent are BMW owners.

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Want to hear a car joke?

BMW 2 Series.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”

“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.

“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”

“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”

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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

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