Beer Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Beer Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Beer Jokes


What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?

Shakesbeer.

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, β€œThis is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, β€œThe curlers are on me.”

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Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

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Why do one-legged people like beer?

Because it’s made with hops.

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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She’s in charge of the hops.

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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, β€œCan I have a beer.”

The barman says, β€œI don’t know, can you?”

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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?

Ginger beer.

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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

β€œAre we expecting guests?” I asked.

β€œNo,” she replied.

β€œThen why did you buy so much bread?”

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A brain walks into a bar and says, β€œI’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks at him and says, β€œI’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

β€œWhy not?” asks the brain.

β€œYou’re already out of your head.”

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Bison Theory

A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

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Two guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, β€œOh no, An alligator just bit one of my feet off!”

The other guy said, β€œWhich one?”

And the first guy said, β€œHow should I know? All the alligators look alike.”

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What do you get when you drink root beer in a square glass?

Beer!

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

β€œHow’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.

β€œGreat, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. β€œSeriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”

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An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called forΒ medical help.

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, β€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, β€œLet’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, β€œThat would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, β€œWatch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, β€œSorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

β€œHe’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

β€œHe’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.

β€œYeah, right,” the bartender says, β€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, β€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!”

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The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, β€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?”

He says, β€œDoctors orders.”

β€œWhat do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”

β€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”

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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

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I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.

Except once in a Blue Moon.

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A bearded man walks into a bar, β€œEverybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, β€œHow much should I pay?”

β€œNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”

β€œOk,” and he left.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: β€œWhat are you doing dear?”

Husband: β€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: β€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: β€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey.”

The horse said, β€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

β€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

β€œIt’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

β€œOh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, β€œIf I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” Β 

With even greater emphasis he added, β€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, β€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, β€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”

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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

β€œI will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

β€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

β€œAnd for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, β€œGive me two more just like this one!”

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