Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bear Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.
It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move.
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
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What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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Important Announcement:
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:
1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
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Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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What did the red panda say after winning a race?
“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”
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Smokers are great people to go camping with.
You can easily outrun them if a bear attacks.
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What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?
Bear foot.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
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What do you call a polar bear on the South Pole and another Polar Bear On The North Pole?
Polar Opposites.
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What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.
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If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you’re dead.
It’s good practice for when you’ll be really dead, five minutes later.
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What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?
A bi-polar bear.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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Did you know that China has a policy where a certain amount of pandas must live in the country?
To be fair, it’s the bear minimum.
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What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
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Koala: “What do you mean, I’m not a bear? I have all the koalafications.”
Elephant: “Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.”
Lion: “Don’t listen to him! He’s lion!”
Bear: “This arguing is becoming unbearable!”
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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.
As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”
The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.
A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”
“Because of your ear?” they ask.
“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.
“Good thinking,” they say.
And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”
The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.
Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.
After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”
Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”
The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.
He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.
Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”
“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”
“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”
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What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.
With a really angry bear somewhere close by...
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Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
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A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
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A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bear’s cage and says, “The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don’t touch his nose.”
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man can’t no longer withstand, “I have to try what happens when I touch his nose!”
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the man’s shoulder and says, “You are it!”
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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
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Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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