Beach Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Beach Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Beach Jokes


Your sister is so ugly when she sits on the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangersโ€™ jerseys aboard.ย 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharkโ€™s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

โ€œI give you my blessing for your brave actions,โ€ he told them. โ€œI heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.โ€

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, โ€œWho was that?โ€

โ€œIt was the Pope,โ€ one replied. โ€œHe is in direct contact with God and has access to all of Godโ€™s wisdom.โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ the harpooner said, โ€œhe may have access to Godโ€™s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... Howโ€™s the bait holding up?โ€

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What do you eat at the beach?

A sand-wich.

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Itโ€™s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

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Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andโ€”both of them having certain โ€œneedsโ€โ€”eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, โ€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.โ€

He tells her, โ€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.โ€

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, โ€œBRO! BRO! Youโ€™ll never believe who Iโ€™m sleeping with!โ€

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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.

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When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.

Itโ€™s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

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Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

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