Bartender Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bartender Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Bartender Jokes


A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...”

“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?”

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”

“Well, I really don’t know ...”

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”

“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”

“Well, let’s go inside and settle this.”

“No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”

“You’re on!” said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”

The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again?!”

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A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”

The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”

Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”

The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”

The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”

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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”

“Of Course”, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”

“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”

“Of course”, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”

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Two Karens are out for lunch.

The waiter approaches them and asks, “Is anything OK?”

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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.

After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.

The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.

He turns to the bartender and says, “Sorry, I’m a little short.”

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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

Bartender: “Sure.”

Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”

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A crab walks into a bar.

The Barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”

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I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”

He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”

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A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.

A mug is placed between his hands, “Wow, these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.

“Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.

Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

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A man runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?!”

The bartender says, “Depends. Less than 3 feet.”

The man cries out, “Oh my God! I just drove over a nun!”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.

“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”

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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.

The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”

The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”

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“Got any crackers?” asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies, “No, get out of here!”

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender yells, “No! If you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your beak shut!”

The duck returns in a half hour, “Got any nails?”

Bartender: “NO! Get out of here!”

Duck: “Got any crackers?”

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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.

“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.

The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”

“No, what?” asked the man.

“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.

“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”

“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”

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A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”

“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”

“Ok,” and he left.

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So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”

The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”

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