Jokes About Bars



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Bar Jokes


A group chat in messenger.

Frank: โ€œThe party starts at 7 pm! Weโ€™ll have a BBQ so I was wondering if anyone was vegetarian?โ€

Karen: โ€œI am! Thatโ€™s so sweet of you to ask.โ€

Frank removed Karen from the chat.

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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?

They get to meet all their old flames.

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Why did the blonde throw her doll on the grill?

She heard it was a Barbie-que.

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Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?

Spaghetti keep falling through the grill.

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Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me.

My record is 21 feet.

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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?

She had her reputation at stake.

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Bobโ€™s first day in heaven.

God: โ€œYouโ€™re about to get your wings!โ€

Bob: โ€œLemon pepper or BBQ?โ€

God: โ€œGet out.โ€

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Australian Santa: โ€œWhat would you like for Christmas, little girl?โ€

Girl: โ€œA Barbie.โ€

Girl wakes up to find a Broil King BBQ under the tree.

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There was no volcanic eruption in Icelandโ€”Chuck Norris opened the BBQ season.

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

โ€œWhy of courseโ€, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, โ€œWhere are you from?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m from Scotlandโ€, replies the second man.

The first man responds, โ€œYou donโ€™t say, Iโ€™m from Scotland too! Letโ€™s have another round to Scotland.โ€

โ€œOf Courseโ€, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, โ€œWhere in Scotland are you from?โ€

โ€œAberdeenโ€, comes the reply.

โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€, says the first man. โ€œIโ€™m from Aberdeen too! Letโ€™s have another drink to Aberdeen.โ€

โ€œOf courseโ€, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, โ€œWhat school did you go to?โ€

โ€œSaint Andrewsโ€, replies the second man. โ€œI graduated in โ€™62.โ€

โ€œThis is unbelievable!โ€, the first man says. โ€œI went to Saint Andrewโ€™s and graduated in โ€™62, too!โ€

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

โ€œWhatโ€™s been going on?โ€, he asks the bartender.

โ€œNothing much,โ€ replies the bartender. โ€œThe MacClyde twins are drunk again.โ€

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Two Karens are out for lunch.

The waiter approaches them and asks, โ€œIs anything OK?โ€

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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.

After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.

The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.

He turns to the bartender and says, โ€œSorry, Iโ€™m a little short.โ€

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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, โ€œDo you serve lawyers here?โ€

Bartender: โ€œSure.โ€

Man: โ€œGood. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.โ€

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A crab walks into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œI canโ€™t serve you mate, youโ€™re already walking sideways.โ€

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I asked the waiter, โ€œDo you serve crabs here?โ€

He said, โ€œTake a seat. We serve everybody.โ€

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A brain walks into a bar and says, โ€œIโ€™ll have a pint of beer please.โ€

The barman looks at him and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I canโ€™t serve you.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€ asks the brain.

โ€œYouโ€™re already out of your head.โ€

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A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, โ€œWow, this bed is big!โ€

โ€œEverything is bigger in Texas,โ€ says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.

A mug is placed between his hands, โ€œWow, these drinks are big!โ€

The bartender replies, โ€œEverything is big in Texas.โ€

After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.

โ€œSecond door to the right,โ€ says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.

Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, โ€œDonโ€™t flush, donโ€™t flush!โ€

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A man runs into a bar and shouts, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?!โ€

The bartender says, โ€œDepends. Less than 3 feet.โ€

The man cries out, โ€œOh my God! I just drove over a nun!โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

โ€œHowโ€™s the New Yearโ€™s resolution coming?โ€ the bartender asks.

โ€œGreat, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,โ€ the guy replies. โ€œSeriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.โ€

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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.

The bartender asks, โ€œWhy have you got a fried egg on your head?โ€

The man replies, โ€œBecause boiled eggs fall off.โ€

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โ€œGot any crackers?โ€ asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies, โ€œNo, get out of here!โ€

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, โ€œGot any crackers?โ€

The bartender yells, โ€œNo! If you ask me again, Iโ€™m gonna nail your beak shut!โ€

The duck returns in a half hour, โ€œGot anyย nails?โ€

Bartender: โ€œNO! Get out of here!โ€

Duck: โ€œGot any crackers?โ€

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5 Best Bar Jokes



The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes,โ€ intones the genie.

โ€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ€ the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

โ€œAnd for your other two wishes?โ€

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โ€œGive me two more just like this one!โ€

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Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

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Short Funny Bar Jokes



A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

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Funny Bar Jokes for Adults



A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

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Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

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Funny Bar Jokes One-Liners



An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...

S p a c e b a r.

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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?

A chocolate bar.

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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

Thatโ€™s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

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Walks Into a Bar Jokes Short



A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.

The bartender immediately tells them, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but we donโ€™t serve food here.โ€

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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.

Apparently, they were web designers!

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So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œWe donโ€™t serve mushrooms here. Youโ€™re always ruining jokes.โ€

The mushroom says, โ€œCome on. Iโ€™m a fun-gi.โ€

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, โ€œIโ€™ll have an H2O please.โ€

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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

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Funny Bar Jokes With Animals



An anteater walks into a bar.

โ€œHaving a nice day?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ€ says the anteater.

โ€œWhy the long nos?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œItโ€™s always been like this,โ€ says the anteater.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

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Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

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Clean Short Bar Jokes



A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.โ€

The hamburger replies, โ€œPlease, beef frank.โ€

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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

Itโ€™s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: โ€œNice tie.โ€

He looks around, but he doesnโ€™t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: โ€œGreat haircut.โ€ A few moments later: โ€œCongratulations on your promotion.โ€

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, โ€œThatโ€™s the pretzels, theyโ€™re complimentary.โ€

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

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Long Funny Jokes About Bars



Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.

The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.

He sees a nearby alien and asks, โ€œWhereโ€™s the pub?โ€

The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, โ€œJust around the corner.โ€

The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.

Itโ€™s labeled โ€œThe Keyboardโ€ and he asks the bouncer, โ€œWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ€

The bouncer replies, โ€œThe boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, heโ€™s the bartender.โ€

So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.

โ€œExcuse me, do you own this pub?โ€ the astronaut says.

โ€œI do,โ€ the bartender gurgles back.

โ€œWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell,โ€ the alien gurgles in reply, โ€œsince I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...โ€

The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.

โ€œ...The reason itโ€™s called the Keyboard is because itโ€™s a space bar.โ€

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

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More Bar Jokes



A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.

โ€œSorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we donโ€™t allow smoking in here. Youโ€™ll have to step outside to smoke.โ€

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.

They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.

โ€œHey, you two!โ€ he shouts. โ€œStop making spectacles of yourselves!โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œHow did Thanksgiving go at your place?โ€ the bartender asks.

โ€œOh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,โ€ the guy says. โ€œSo I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.โ€

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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.

Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.

Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.

Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.

Then he says, โ€œThatโ€™s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.โ€

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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.

Heโ€™s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.

The cop asks the inebriated man where heโ€™s headed at such a late hour.

The drunk replies, โ€œIโ€™m just going to a lecture, officer.โ€

In disbelief, the officer asks, โ€œWho would be giving a lecture this late?โ€

The alcoholic replies, โ€œMy wife.โ€

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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, โ€œYour glass is empty. Fancy another one?โ€

โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€ I asked.

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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.

The barman asks, โ€œWhere did you get that?โ€

The seagull replies, โ€œDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ€

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Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Peteโ€™s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, โ€œIโ€™ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.โ€

โ€œI doubt it,โ€ said the man, โ€œTonight Iโ€™m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!โ€

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Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocksโ€”Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, โ€œIf any man brings me an Indianโ€™s prized horse, Iโ€™ll give him $1000.โ€

The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.

It wasnโ€™t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.

The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, โ€œDave, look at this!โ€

Dave replied, โ€œNot now! Canโ€™t you see Iโ€™m trying to catch a prized horse?!โ€

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, โ€œI really think you should look at this.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!โ€

But Jeff was adamant, โ€œPlease, just take a darn look!โ€

So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.

Dave shook his head and said, โ€œOh... my... God... Weโ€™re going to be millionaires!โ€

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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the cityโ€™s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, โ€œListen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesnโ€™t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!โ€

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, โ€œI see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...โ€

โ€œLook there you go again,โ€ said the man, โ€œHow can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?โ€

โ€œOf course not!โ€ gasped the nun, โ€œThe evil alcohol has never touched my lips.โ€

โ€œDo you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?โ€

โ€œWell, I really donโ€™t know ...โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and Iโ€™ll buy you a drink. One drink. Iโ€™ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, itโ€™s inside the person.โ€

โ€œOh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, itโ€™s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit youโ€™ve aroused a curiosity in me.โ€

โ€œWell, letโ€™s go inside and settle this.โ€

โ€œNo, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and Iโ€™ll try it.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re on!โ€ said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, โ€œTwo scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.โ€

The bartender sighed and said, โ€œIs that darn โ€œnunโ€ out there again?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?

He was feeling quite cyan.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.

Critics are saying itโ€™s the new hip place to be.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.

She says, โ€œHi, handsome, what do you do for a living?โ€

The man replies, โ€œI work for KGB.โ€

โ€œCool, tell me an interesting story!โ€

โ€œAbout me or about you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife asks, โ€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ€

Husband: โ€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.

He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, โ€œAsshole attorneysโ€.

The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, โ€œI want you to know I highly resent that remarkโ€.

โ€œWhy, are you an attorney?โ€

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m an asshole.โ€

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A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, โ€œIโ€™m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.โ€

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, โ€œI overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Hereโ€™s my card, give me a call.โ€

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, โ€œHi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.โ€

The other guy says, โ€œThings are great, the bartender helped me.โ€

Psychiatrist, โ€œThe bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldnโ€™t?โ€

The other guy says, โ€œHe told me to saw the legs off my bed.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachersโ€™ Day evening and says, โ€œCan I have a beer.โ€

The barman says, โ€œI donโ€™t know, can you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

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