Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A group chat in messenger.
Frank: โThe party starts at 7 pm! Weโll have a BBQ so I was wondering if anyone was vegetarian?โ
Karen: โI am! Thatโs so sweet of you to ask.โ
Frank removed Karen from the chat.
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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?
They get to meet all their old flames.
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Why did the blonde throw her doll on the grill?
She heard it was a Barbie-que.
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Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?
Spaghetti keep falling through the grill.
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Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me.
My record is 21 feet.
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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?
She had her reputation at stake.
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Bobโs first day in heaven.
God: โYouโre about to get your wings!โ
Bob: โLemon pepper or BBQ?โ
God: โGet out.โ
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Australian Santa: โWhat would you like for Christmas, little girl?โ
Girl: โA Barbie.โ
Girl wakes up to find a Broil King BBQ under the tree.
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There was no volcanic eruption in IcelandโChuck Norris opened the BBQ season.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
โWhy of courseโ, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, โWhere are you from?โ
โIโm from Scotlandโ, replies the second man.
The first man responds, โYou donโt say, Iโm from Scotland too! Letโs have another round to Scotland.โ
โOf Courseโ, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, โWhere in Scotland are you from?โ
โAberdeenโ, comes the reply.
โI canโt believe itโ, says the first man. โIโm from Aberdeen too! Letโs have another drink to Aberdeen.โ
โOf courseโ, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, โWhat school did you go to?โ
โSaint Andrewsโ, replies the second man. โI graduated in โ62.โ
โThis is unbelievable!โ, the first man says. โI went to Saint Andrewโs and graduated in โ62, too!โ
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
โWhatโs been going on?โ, he asks the bartender.
โNothing much,โ replies the bartender. โThe MacClyde twins are drunk again.โ
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Two Karens are out for lunch.
The waiter approaches them and asks, โIs anything OK?โ
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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.
After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.
The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.
He turns to the bartender and says, โSorry, Iโm a little short.โ
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, โDo you serve lawyers here?โ
Bartender: โSure.โ
Man: โGood. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.โ
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A crab walks into a bar.
The Barman says, โI canโt serve you mate, youโre already walking sideways.โ
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I asked the waiter, โDo you serve crabs here?โ
He said, โTake a seat. We serve everybody.โ
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A blind man visits Texas.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, โWow, this bed is big!โ
โEverything is bigger in Texas,โ says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands, โWow, these drinks are big!โ
The bartender replies, โEverything is big in Texas.โ
After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.
โSecond door to the right,โ says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, โDonโt flush, donโt flush!โ
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A man runs into a bar and shouts, โQuick! How tall is a penguin?!โ
The bartender says, โDepends. Less than 3 feet.โ
The man cries out, โOh my God! I just drove over a nun!โ
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
โHowโs the New Yearโs resolution coming?โ the bartender asks.
โGreat, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,โ the guy replies. โSeriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.โ
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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, โWhy have you got a fried egg on your head?โ
The man replies, โBecause boiled eggs fall off.โ
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โGot any crackers?โ asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies, โNo, get out of here!โ
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, โGot any crackers?โ
The bartender yells, โNo! If you ask me again, Iโm gonna nail your beak shut!โ
The duck returns in a half hour, โGot anyย nails?โ
Bartender: โNO! Get out of here!โ
Duck: โGot any crackers?โ
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The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, โWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ
He says, โDoctors orders.โ
โWhat do you mean by that?โ asks the barman.โ
โI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโve ever seen.
โGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ he says to the bartender. โOne for me, and one for you.โ
โYou know, I donโt drink on the job,โ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, โAnd thatโs why I like you better than my barber!โ
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โWhoโs the strongest in here?!โ
The toughest guy looks at him and says, โI am the strongest around here!โ
The other guy politely asks, โCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
โI will grant you three wishes,โ intones the genie.
โGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
โAnd for your other two wishes?โ
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โGive me two more just like this one!โ
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Me: โWhatโs the Wi-Fi password?โ
Bartender: โYou need to buy a drink first.โ
Me: โOK, Iโll have a Coke.โ
Bartender: โThree dollars.โ
Me: โThere you go. So whatโs the WiโFi password?โ
Bartender: โYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ
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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโs attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what heโs looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โIโm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ
To which the man replies surprised, โOh no no everythingโs fine! I just promised my wife Iโd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โShe must be a poor old fool,โ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After heโs paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โSo how many have you caught today?โ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โYouโre the eighth.โ
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, โAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, โSir, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ
The man gets really annoyed and says, โOfficer, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โI am God! I am God!โ
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, โWhat is your name?โ
โI am God,โ the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, โCalm down. Why donโt we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โOh God, not you again!?โ
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, โYouโve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โFrank, Iโve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyoneโs amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, โDid you see what your monkey just did?โ
โNo, what?โ
โHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ whole!โ
โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me,โ replied the guy, โHe eats everything in sight, donโt worry, Iโll pay for the cue ball.โ
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, โDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ
โNo, what?โ asked the man.
โWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ
โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me,โ replied the guy. โHeโll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: โIโm going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: โOoh, am I coming?โ
Husband: โNo, Iโm turning the heating off.โ
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An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
Thatโs when I realized my entire life is a joke...
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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, โIโm sorry, but we donโt serve food here.โ
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
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So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, โWe donโt serve mushrooms here. Youโre always ruining jokes.โ
The mushroom says, โCome on. Iโm a fun-gi.โ
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, โIโll have an H2O please.โ
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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โHey, this is a singles bar.โ
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An anteater walks into a bar.
โHaving a nice day?โ asks the barman.
โNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ says the anteater.
โWhy the long nos?โ asks the barman.
โItโs always been like this,โ says the anteater.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, โHey.โ
The horse said, โNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, โWhy the long face?โ
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Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, โIt sure is hot in here.โ
His friend snaps back, โShut your mouth!โ
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, โWhoโs first?โ
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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, โIโve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.โ
The hamburger replies, โPlease, beef frank.โ
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
Itโs quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: โNice tie.โ
He looks around, but he doesnโt see anyone.
The voice speaks again: โGreat haircut.โ A few moments later: โCongratulations on your promotion.โ
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, โThatโs the pretzels, theyโre complimentary.โ
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โWhat do you do?โ
I replied, โI race motorcycles.โ
She asked further, โDo you usually win many races?โ
I said, โNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โโฌ
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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โLetโs get a beer.โ
The chihuahua walker complains, โThat would be great, but we canโt take our dogs in there.โ
The first responds, โWatch me.โ
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, โSorry, you canโt bring your dog in here.โ
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies.
โYeah, right,โ the bartender says, โA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, โWhereโs the pub?โ
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, โJust around the corner.โ
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
Itโs labeled โThe Keyboardโ and he asks the bouncer, โWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ
The bouncer replies, โThe boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, heโs the bartender.โ
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
โExcuse me, do you own this pub?โ the astronaut says.
โI do,โ the bartender gurgles back.
โWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ the man asks.
โWell,โ the alien gurgles in reply, โsince I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...โ
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
โ...The reason itโs called the Keyboard is because itโs a space bar.โ
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, โSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ
The pirate replies, โWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ
โWow!โ said the seaman.
โWhat about your hook?โ
โWell,โ replied the pirate, โwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ
โIncredible!โ remarked the seaman.
โHow did you get the eye patch?โ
โA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ replied the pirate.
โYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ the sailor asked incredulously.
โWell,โ said the pirate, โit was my first day with my hook...โ
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachersโ Day evening and says, โCan I have a beer.โ
The barman says, โI donโt know, can you?โ
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On New Yearโs Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because sheโs got a uniform on, sheโs probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โWe love to fly and it shows.โ
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โWinning the hearts of the world.โ
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โGoing beyond expectations.โ
The woman looks at him wearily and says, โWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ
โAh!โ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โAmerican Airlines!โ
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