Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, βSir, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?β
The man gets really annoyed and says, βOfficer, I couldnβt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?β
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, βSo, how did you end up with the peg-leg?β
The pirate replies, βWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.β
βWow!β said the seaman.
βWhat about your hook?β
βWell,β replied the pirate, βwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.β
βIncredible!β remarked the seaman.
βHow did you get the eye patch?β
βA seagull dropping fell into my eye,β replied the pirate.
βYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?β the sailor asked incredulously.
βWell,β said the pirate, βit was my first day with my hook...β
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, βI am God! I am God!β
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, βWhat is your name?β
βI am God,β the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, βCalm down. Why donβt we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.β
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, βOh God, not you again!?β
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckβs gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
βThereβs a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.β
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A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.
While heβs waiting a friend sees him and asks what heβs doing.
βIβm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,β Says the idiot.
βNo wonder people call you an idiot,β says the friend. βHow do you know itβs not coming in from the other gate?β
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.
βAre you the boss of this Bistro?β she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
βEhhh. No. Not at all!β the barkeeper replies.
βWould you please call him here?β the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
βOh, Iβm very sorry, but no. Impossible!β the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.
βWould you then please do me a great favour?β the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
βOf course. What ever you wish!β the barkeeper moans.
βI want to leave a message for the boss,β she says and let first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
βWhat message?β the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
βPlease tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the ladyβs toilet.β
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
βWho is it?β a passenger asks the captain.
βI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.β
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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
Thatβs when I realized my entire life is a joke...
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, βHey.β
The horse said, βNah, just beer please. I just ate.β
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, βWhy the long face?β
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, βWhat do you do?β
I replied, βI race motorcycles.β
She asked further, βDo you usually win many races?β
I said, βNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.ββ¬
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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he canβt get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When heβs finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heβd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, βJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.β
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then heβd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
βWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyβve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where weβre at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.β
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?
βItβs just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.β
βOh no, weβre all just fine. Itβs just that itβs Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.β
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisβ beard. There is only another fist.
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, βWhoβs the strongest in here?!β
The toughest guy looks at him and says, βI am the strongest around here!β
The other guy politely asks, βCan you help me push my car to the gas station?β
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, βIβll have an H2O please.β
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
βI will grant you three wishes,β intones the genie.
βGive me a bottomless mug of beer,β the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
βAnd for your other two wishes?β
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, βGive me two more just like this one!β
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Me: βWhatβs the Wi-Fi password?β
Bartender: βYou need to buy a drink first.β
Me: βOK, Iβll have a Coke.β
Bartender: βThree dollars.β
Me: βThere you go. So whatβs the WiβFi password?β
Bartender: βYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.β
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Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, βIt sure is hot in here.β
His friend snaps back, βShut your mouth!β
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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, βHey, this is a singles bar.β
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, βWhoβs first?β
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