Jokes About Bars



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Bar Jokes


5 Best Bar Jokes



The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes,โ€ intones the genie.

โ€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,โ€ the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

โ€œAnd for your other two wishes?โ€

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, โ€œGive me two more just like this one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Short Funny Bar Jokes



A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Bar Jokes for Adults



A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Bar Jokes One-Liners



An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...

S p a c e b a r.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of bar is kid-friendly?

A chocolate bar.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

Thatโ€™s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Walks Into a Bar Jokes Short



A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.

The bartender immediately tells them, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but we donโ€™t serve food here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.

Apparently, they were web designers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œWe donโ€™t serve mushrooms here. Youโ€™re always ruining jokes.โ€

The mushroom says, โ€œCome on. Iโ€™m a fun-gi.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, โ€œIโ€™ll have an H2O please.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Bar Jokes With Animals



An anteater walks into a bar.

โ€œHaving a nice day?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ€ says the anteater.

โ€œWhy the long nos?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œItโ€™s always been like this,โ€ says the anteater.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Clean Short Bar Jokes



A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.โ€

The hamburger replies, โ€œPlease, beef frank.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

Itโ€™s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: โ€œNice tie.โ€

He looks around, but he doesnโ€™t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: โ€œGreat haircut.โ€ A few moments later: โ€œCongratulations on your promotion.โ€

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, โ€œThatโ€™s the pretzels, theyโ€™re complimentary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long Funny Jokes About Bars



Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.

The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.

He sees a nearby alien and asks, โ€œWhereโ€™s the pub?โ€

The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, โ€œJust around the corner.โ€

The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.

Itโ€™s labeled โ€œThe Keyboardโ€ and he asks the bouncer, โ€œWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ€

The bouncer replies, โ€œThe boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, heโ€™s the bartender.โ€

So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.

โ€œExcuse me, do you own this pub?โ€ the astronaut says.

โ€œI do,โ€ the bartender gurgles back.

โ€œWhy is it called the Keyboard?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell,โ€ the alien gurgles in reply, โ€œsince I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...โ€

The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.

โ€œ...The reason itโ€™s called the Keyboard is because itโ€™s a space bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„




















© 2022-2023 jokes.best