Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A group chat in messenger.
Frank: “The party starts at 7 pm! We’ll have a BBQ so I was wondering if anyone was vegetarian?”
Karen: “I am! That’s so sweet of you to ask.”
Frank removed Karen from the chat.
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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?
They get to meet all their old flames.
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Why did the blonde throw her doll on the grill?
She heard it was a Barbie-que.
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Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?
Spaghetti keep falling through the grill.
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Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me.
My record is 21 feet.
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Bob’s first day in heaven.
God: “You’re about to get your wings!”
Bob: “Lemon pepper or BBQ?”
God: “Get out.”
😄 😄 😄
Australian Santa: “What would you like for Christmas, little girl?”
Girl: “A Barbie.”
Girl wakes up to find a Broil King BBQ under the tree.
😄 😄 😄
There was no volcanic eruption in Iceland—Chuck Norris opened the BBQ season.
😄 😄 😄
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
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Two Karens are out for lunch.
The waiter approaches them and asks, “Is anything OK?”
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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.
After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.
The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.
He turns to the bartender and says, “Sorry, I’m a little short.”
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
😄 😄 😄
A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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A blind man visits Texas.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands, “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.
“Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
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“Got any crackers?” asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies, “No, get out of here!”
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, “Got any crackers?”
The bartender yells, “No! If you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your beak shut!”
The duck returns in a half hour, “Got any nails?”
Bartender: “NO! Get out of here!”
Duck: “Got any crackers?”
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The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”
The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
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An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
😄 😄 😄
So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”
The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”
😄 😄 😄
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
😄 😄 😄
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
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An anteater walks into a bar.
“Having a nice day?” asks the barman.
“Noooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!” says the anteater.
“Why the long nos?” asks the barman.
“It’s always been like this,” says the anteater.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
😄 😄 😄
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
😄 😄 😄
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
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How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
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What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
😄 😄 😄
A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.
“Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.
They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.
“Hey, you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.
Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.
Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.
Then he says, “That’s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.”
😄 😄 😄
An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
😄 😄 😄
The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
😄 😄 😄
An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
😄 😄 😄
Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete’s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!”
😄 😄 😄
Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocks—Jeff and Dave.
One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, “If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I’ll give him $1000.”
The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.
It wasn’t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.
He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.
The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.
Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, look at this!”
Dave replied, “Not now! Can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse?!”
Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, “I really think you should look at this.”
“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!”
But Jeff was adamant, “Please, just take a darn look!”
So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.
Dave shook his head and said, “Oh... my... God... We’re going to be millionaires!”
😄 😄 😄
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
😄 😄 😄
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.
Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ...”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well, let’s go inside and settle this.”
“No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.
He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again?!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?
He was feeling quite cyan.
😄 😄 😄
A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
😄 😄 😄
A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.
She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
😄 😄 😄
Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
😄 😄 😄
A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.
He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
😄 😄 😄
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
😄 😄 😄
A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
😄 😄 😄
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
😄 😄 😄
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
😄 😄 😄
