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Jokes About Bars



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, β€œSir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, β€œOfficer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, β€œSo, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, β€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

β€œWow!” said the seaman.

β€œWhat about your hook?”

β€œWell,” replied the pirate, β€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”

β€œIncredible!” remarked the seaman.

β€œHow did you get the eye patch?”

β€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

β€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

β€œWell,” said the pirate, β€œit was my first day with my hook...”

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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, β€œI am God! I am God!”

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, β€œWhat is your name?”

β€œI am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, β€œCalm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, β€œOh God, not you again!?”

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think

β€œThere’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”

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A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.

β€œI’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.

β€œNo wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. β€œHow do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”

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Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.

She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.

Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.

β€œAre you the boss of this Bistro?” she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

β€œEhhh. No. Not at all!” the barkeeper replies.

β€œWould you please call him here?” the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

β€œOh, I’m very sorry, but no. Impossible!” the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.

β€œWould you then please do me a great favour?” the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

β€œOf course. What ever you wish!” the barkeeper moans.

β€œI want to leave a message for the boss,” she says and let first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

β€œWhat message?” the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

β€œPlease tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady’s toilet.”

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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

β€œWho is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

β€œI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey.”

The horse said, β€œNah, just beer please. I just ate.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, β€œWhy the long face?”

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, β€œWhat do you do?”

I replied, β€œI race motorcycles.”

She asked further, β€œDo you usually win many races?”

I said, β€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, β€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

β€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?

β€œIt’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

β€œOh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, β€œWho’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, β€œI am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, β€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, β€œI’ll have an H2O please.”

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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

β€œI will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

β€œGive me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

β€œAnd for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, β€œGive me two more just like this one!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Me: β€œWhat’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: β€œYou need to buy a drink first.”

Me: β€œOK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: β€œThree dollars.”

Me: β€œThere you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: β€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, β€œIt sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, β€œShut your mouth!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, β€œHey, this is a singles bar.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, β€œWho’s first?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„





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