Jokes About Bars

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”

He says, “Doctors orders.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”

“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”

😄 😄 😄

“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

😄 😄 😄

A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.

Apparently, they were web designers!

😄 😄 😄

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”

Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”

😄 😄 😄

A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”

😄 😄 😄

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.

“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”

“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”

😄 😄 😄

What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?

M’stard.

😄 😄 😄

What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M’lasses.

😄 😄 😄

What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm’lady.

😄 😄 😄

What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

😄 😄 😄

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?

M’stache.

😄 😄 😄

Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”

Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”

😄 😄 😄

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Excuse me, are you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Hey! Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

😄 😄 😄

There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

“You go first!”

“No, you go first!”

😄 😄 😄

Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.

The result is now sold as Red Bull.

😄 😄 😄

After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him, “You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!”

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, “Damn, another one without shoes!!”

😄 😄 😄

I almost cut off my beard today.

That was a close shave.

😄 😄 😄

A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”

“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”

“Ok,” and he left.

😄 😄 😄

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and — both of them having certain “needs” — eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, “Listen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.”

He tells her, “Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.”

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, “BRO! BRO! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

😄 😄 😄

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.

😄 😄 😄

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

😄 😄 😄

Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”

...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.

😄 😄 😄

When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

😄 😄 😄

I was thinking of getting rid of the beard.

But I’ve had it for so long that at this point, it makes the decisions for me.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?

It was his mane source of income.

😄 😄 😄

What does every poet with a mustache dream of?

To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.

😄 😄 😄

Why are beards so polite?

Because they’re well-groomed.

😄 😄 😄

What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?

“You ought to shavour every bite!”

😄 😄 😄

Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?

Shearing is caring.

😄 😄 😄

Why couldn’t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?

He couldn’t get to the root of it.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?

Because fortune favors the shave!

😄 😄 😄

Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?

It was his shaventeenth birthday.

😄 😄 😄

Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?

At a Shaven Eleven.

😄 😄 😄

Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?

Shave-illa.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?

They wanted to be a smooth criminal.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?

He’s a bald-faced liar.

😄 😄 😄

What did the fancy bearded goat order at the cafe?

A goa-tea.

😄 😄 😄

What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?

He lost his stubble mode of income.

😄 😄 😄

What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?

For them, every hair counts!

😄 😄 😄

Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?

He was shaving it for later.

😄 😄 😄

Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?

It’s in his Clause.

😄 😄 😄

Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?

He had a gunslinger beard!

😄 😄 😄

Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

😄 😄 😄

Where are bearded prisoners sent?

The Gilette-ine.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?

He wanted a hairytale ending.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?

He barber-ed a grudge against him.

😄 😄 😄

Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?

The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!

😄 😄 😄

What did the man say before shaving off his beard?

“Hair goes nothing!”

😄 😄 😄

What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?

“I’ve been hair before!”

😄 😄 😄

What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?

“All good things must comb to an end.”

😄 😄 😄

Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?

It was a fund razor.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?

Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the bearded man’s shaving product business flop?

Because of the razor-thin margins.

😄 😄 😄

Why do people hate to shave off their beards?

They’re naturally attached to it.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?

He wanted spacial hair.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?

If he didn’t, things would get a bit hairy.

😄 😄 😄

What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?

Hairy Potter.

😄 😄 😄

My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest...

It’s neck and neck right now.

😄 😄 😄

Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?

Their shavings account.

😄 😄 😄

Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?

A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.

😄 😄 😄

What do you call a goat with a beard?

A goatee.

😄 😄 😄

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

😄 😄 😄

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman.

“What about your hook?”

“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.

“How did you get the eye patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”

😄 😄 😄

A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”

“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”

😄 😄 😄

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

😄 😄 😄

Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think

“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”

😄 😄 😄

A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.

“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.

“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”

😄 😄 😄

Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

😄 😄 😄

Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

😄 😄 😄

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.

She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.

Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.

“Are you the boss of this Bistro?” she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

“Ehhh. No. Not at all!” the barkeeper replies.

“Would you please call him here?” the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

“Oh, I’m very sorry, but no. Impossible!” the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.

“Would you then please do me a great favor?” the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

“Of course. Whatever you wish!” the barkeeper moans.

“I want to leave a message for the boss,” she says and lets first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

“What message?” the barkeeper asks with two fingers in his mouth.

“Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady’s toilet.”

😄 😄 😄

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

😄 😄 😄

Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

😄 😄 😄

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse said, “Nah, just beer please. I just ate.”

😄 😄 😄

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”

😄 😄 😄

I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I race motorcycles.”

She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”

I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

😄 😄 😄

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

😄 😄 😄

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play — you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

“FATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

😄 😄 😄

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

😄 😄 😄

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

😄 😄 😄

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

😄 😄 😄

Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”

😄 😄 😄

A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.

Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.

“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.

“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.

“And for your other two wishes?”

Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”

😄 😄 😄

Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

😄 😄 😄

Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

😄 😄 😄

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”

😄 😄 😄

A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Who’s first?”

😄 😄 😄