Bank Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bank Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Bank Jokes

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?

Check your bank account.

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A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank telling him, β€œDear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion.”

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says β€œI’d like a coffee, please.”

The cashier tells him β€œThat’ll be $30 billion.”.

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Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He came in with buns glazing.

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I asked the bank for a loan to open a pizza delivery byΒ droneΒ business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.

The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.

The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.

At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.

The farmer admits that they’ve done very wellβ€”so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!

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Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?

They wanted to be a smooth criminal.

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Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, β€œYour name?”

β€œJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”

β€œOh, you stutter?”

β€œNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”

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Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body.

Please do not mix it up like last year.

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At the bank, I told the cashier, β€œI would like to open a joint account.”

He asked, β€œWith whom?”

I answered, β€œWith whomsoever has lots of money.”

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What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine’s run out of money...

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Mama always said β€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.

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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.

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My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

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