Baby Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Baby Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Baby Jokes

Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.

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When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.

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When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.

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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child complied, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

β€œHit him again,” the 5-year-old said. β€œHe shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

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Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fools.

They were literally born yesterday.

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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.

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Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, β€œWhat a treasure!”

And your dad said, β€œYes, let’s bury it.”

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A teacher lecturing on population said, β€œIn the world, after every 10 seconds, a woman gives birth to a kid.”

Akpos stood up and said, β€œWe must find and stop her!”

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It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, his father asked, β€œHow was your journey?”

The baby mosquito replied, β€œIt went great, everyone was clapping for me!”

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The old mosquito puts the little baby’s to bed and tells them, β€œIf you are good, tomorrow I’m going to take you to the nudists.”

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Why are baby flamingos so badly behaved?

Because the parents never put their foot down.

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When is Father’s Day?

Nine months after Father’s Night.

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English teacher: β€œGive me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.”

Student: β€œMistakes in the dark make children.”

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A teacher told her first grade class, β€œA single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”

A little girl gasped, β€œHow about the married ones?”

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A woman is giving birth and her husband rushes to the hospital to be there.

On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how she’s doing but he accidentally calls Lords cricket ground instead.

Someone answers and the husband asks, β€œHi. How’s everything going there?”

The reply came, β€œWell... we have three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. Last one was a duck.”

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My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

β€œBro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?”

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m really happy that my prayer worked.

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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.

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Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by.

Baby rat turns to his mom and says, β€œLook, ma, an angel.”

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How do you make a baby computer cry?

Delete his cookies!

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When a white person delivers an Asian baby.

White person: β€œCongratulations, he looks like your husband... mom... cousin... uncle... neighbor...”

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Public Service Announcement:

β€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”

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There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, β€œBe nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

β€œYou go first!”

β€œNo, you go first!”

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How would the moon get their baby moon to sleep?

They rocket!

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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, β€œThere’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, β€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, β€œWell what about the smell?”

The husband says, β€œIt’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

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There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first moleβ€”daddy moleβ€”wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, β€œMmmmm... I smell bacon!”

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, β€œMmmmm... I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, β€œAll I can smell is molasses!”

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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

β€œAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafΓ©.

Heather says, β€œI got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”

β€œI got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. β€œI’m pregnant with septuplets!”

β€œI think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, β€œI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was β€˜The Three Little Pigs’.”

β€œI got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. β€œThe first movie I watched on it was β€˜Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

β€œIt’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.

β€œI do have it,” says Martha. β€œIt’s just that the first movie I watched on it was β€˜101 Dalmatians’.”

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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

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I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has β€œNo more tears formula”.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

β€œCome on, ketch-up!”

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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

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