Enjoy our team's carefully selected Auditor Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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What do you call a lawyer whoโs also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What do you call a group of lawyers?
A lawsuit of attorneys.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?
An offer you canโt understand.
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Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandmaโs kitchen.
โWell now, whereโs my bucket, and whereโs my water?โ grandma asked him.
โI canโt get any water from that waterhole, grandma,โ exclaimed Johnny. โThereโs a BIG olโ alligator down there!โ
โNow donโt you mind that olโ alligator, Johnny. Heโs been there for a few years now, and heโs never hurt anyone. Why, heโs probably as scared of you as you are of him!โ
โWell, grandma,โ replied Johnny, โif heโs as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ainโt fit to drink!โ
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Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.
I was wrong on so many levels.
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Two guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.
One guy said, โOh no, An alligator just bit one of my feet off!โ
The other guy said, โWhich one?โ
And the first guy said, โHow should I know? All the alligators look alike.โ
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I found out today that some alligators grow up to 15 feet!
Most of them only have 4 though.
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didnโt want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the โno haggleโ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, โMaybe Iโll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!โ
The shopkeeper said, โBy all means, be my guest. Maybe youโll luck out and catch yourself a big one!โ
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, โDarn, this one isnโt wearing any shoes either!โ
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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
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A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
โDonโt worry,โ says the mother. โThe alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!โ
โMom,โ says the boy, โif the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldnโt be drinking that water.โ
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotelโs elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, โGiorgio, $100 an ounce.โ
On the next floor, an equally beautiful woman steps on and says, โChanel, $150 an ounce.โ
The old ladyโs floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, โBroccoli, 49 cents a pound.โ
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I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator.
Right then I realized everyone was raised differently.
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After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
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An IRS auditor is walking down the street when a mugger stops him.
โGive me your money!โ the mugger says. โYou canโt do that!โ says the IRS auditor.
โOh,โ the mugger comments. โWell, in that case, give me MY money.โ
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What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didnโt show up.
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Which clients do short auditors like best?
Small businessmen.
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Whatโs an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, โWell, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Iโm not sure the IRS finds that believable.โ
โIโm a great gambler, and I can prove it,โ says Grandpa. โHow about a demonstration?โ
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, โOkay. Go ahead.โ
Grandpa says, โIโll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.โ
The auditor thinks a moment and says, โItโs a bet.โ
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditorโs jaw drops.
Grandpa says, โNow, Iโll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.โ
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isnโt blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpaโs attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
โWant to go double or nothing?โ Grandpa asks. โIโll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.โ
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides thereโs no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he canโt make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditorโs desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpaโs own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
โAre you okay?โ the auditor asks.
โNot really,โ says the attorney. โThis morning, when Grandpa told me heโd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that youโd be happy about it!โ
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
โSo you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.โ
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
โWhat happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?โ asks the first.
โThis joke is just so hilarious! Actually, itโs so good that Iโll save it for later!โ answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
โAre you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?โ asks worried the first.
โYeah, but this one is soooooo good, Iโll save it for when we finish,โ answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, โSo, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?โ
Still breathless, the other replies, โHey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.โ
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverโa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โSure.โ
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ
โImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, โIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โYouโre on.โ
โYou are an auditor,โ said the shepherd without hesitation.
โThatโs correct,โ said the young man, impressed. โHowever did you guess?โ
โIt wasnโt a guess,โ replied the shepherd. โYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ
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Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.
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Guess what you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
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