Atheist Jokes



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Atheist Jokes


An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Now and then, the rabbiโ€™s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.

After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, โ€œI wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€

The rabbi replied, โ€œThink about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.

But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?โ€

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Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

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A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โ€œOh, what cute kittens!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are Christian kittens.โ€

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, โ€œMy, those are just adorable!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are atheist kittens.โ€

The man asks, โ€œWait, werenโ€™t they Christian before?โ€

The boy looks at the man and says, โ€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ€

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I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

He panicked and shouted, โ€œGod, help me!โ€ and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.

A voice from the heavens boomed โ€œYou say you donโ€™t believe in me, but now youโ€™re asking for my help?โ€

The atheist looked up and said, โ€œWell, ten seconds ago I didnโ€™t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.โ€

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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists wonโ€™t claim that god did it.

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Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnโ€™t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

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A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

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Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

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An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

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