Army Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Army Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Army Jokes

I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.

Now I’m in trouble with the U.S. Army.

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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...

But they needed to sea mine.

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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”

The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”

The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”

“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”

The German replies, “Yeah.”

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”

The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase “Secure the building”.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”

The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

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Who was the funniest person in George Washington’s army?


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Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?

He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

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While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer “Yes”.

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”

Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”

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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.

As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.

The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”

The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.

A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”

“Because of your ear?” they ask.

“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.

“Good thinking,” they say.

And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”

The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.

Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.

After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”

Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”

The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.

He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.

Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”

“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”

“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”

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At one army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”

And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”

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An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.

They are wanted for dessertion.

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