Army Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Army Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Army Jokes

Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?

He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.

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While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer “Yes”.

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”

Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”

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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.

As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.

The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”

The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.

A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”

“Because of your ear?” they ask.

“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.

“Good thinking,” they say.

And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”

The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.

Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.

After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”

Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”

The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.

He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.

Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”

“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”

“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”

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At one army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”

And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”

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An ice cream, a creme brulee and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.

They are wanted for dessertion.

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