Enjoy our team's carefully selected Animal Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.
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When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
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The red panda had a wild night last night.
He was caught red-handed.
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How does a red panda flirt with her crush?
She gives them a bamboozling smile.
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Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
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Red pandas never skip leg day.
Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.
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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
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Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
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Did you hear about the red pandaโs art exhibition?
It was panda-monium!
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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โLetโs get a beer.โ
The chihuahua walker complains, โThat would be great, but we canโt take our dogs in there.โ
The first responds, โWatch me.โ
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, โSorry, you canโt bring your dog in here.โ
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
โHeโs my seeing-eye dog,โ the woman replies.
โYeah, right,โ the bartender says, โA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ
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A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โI love you this much,โ as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, โThatโs not very much at all!โ
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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
โIs this horse unsound?โ they asked.
โNot a bit,โ said the owner.
โIn that case,โ asked the stewards, โwhy have you never raced him before?โ โMister,โ said the man from Idaho, โwe couldnโt even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ
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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horseโs trainer meets him before the race and says, โAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โALLLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly in the horseโs ear. Providing you do that, youโll be fine.โ
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainerโs ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โAleeee ooopโ in the horseโs ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โItโs no good, Iโll have to do it.โ And yells, โALLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, โNothing is wrong with me. Itโs this bloody horse. What is heโdeaf or something?โ
The trainer replies, โDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโs not deafโheโs blind!!!โ
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
โWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ the man asks.
โRace it,โ replies the jockey, surprised.
โWell, by the look of it,โ the man says, โyouโll win!โ
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: โWhat are you doing dear?โ
Husband: โSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ
Wife: โHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ
Husband: โEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, โSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ
The pirate replies, โWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ
โWow!โ said the seaman.
โWhat about your hook?โ
โWell,โ replied the pirate, โwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ
โIncredible!โ remarked the seaman.
โHow did you get the eye patch?โ
โA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ replied the pirate.
โYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ the sailor asked incredulously.
โWell,โ said the pirate, โit was my first day with my hook...โ
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Three women escape from prisonโa blonde and two brunettesโand to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โThere are just three burlap sacks in here!โ
To which his partner replies, โThen kick them just to be sure itโs not them hidingโ.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โMEEEYYOWW!โ
The officer says, โOh, itโs just a stupid cat in there.โ
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โRUUFFF RUFFF!โ
The officer says, โOh, itโs just a stupid dog!โ
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โPOTATOES!โ
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โMira el mosca.โ
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โNo, senor, โla moscaโ, es feminina.โ
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ
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Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, โIt sure is hot in here.โ
His friend snaps back, โShut your mouth!โ
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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldnโt stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ
The woman replied, โWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ
โWhat happened to him?โ
The woman replied, โMy dog attacked him to death.โ
She inquired further, โWell, who is in the second hearse?โ
The woman answered, โMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
โCan I borrow the dog?โ
โGet in line!โ
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Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
Itโs the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโre up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโt bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldnโt stand Rod, so he told him, โYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โDamn, another one without shoes!!โ
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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโm not sure if Iโll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for โGorilla removalโ.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, โHey whatโs the plan?โ
He said, โWell, Iโm going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโll never see that Gorilla again.โ
To which I asked, โWhatโs the shotgun for?โ
โWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ
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A woman goes to her boyfriendโs parentsโ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโt loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโs father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโs feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โGinger!โ
The woman thought, โThis is great!โ and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโt hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โDammit, Ginger!โ
Once again the woman smiled and thought, โYes!โ
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!โ
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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โThereโs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ
The husband thinks for a second and says, โHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ
The wife replies, โWell what about the smell?โ
The husband says, โItโll be alright, just hold its nose.โ
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, โRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโs barrel racing there.โ
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โBarb, youโve been my best friend for many years. If itโs at all possible, Iโll do this favor for you.โ
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โBarb, Barb.โ
โWho is it?โ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โWho is it?โ
โBarb, itโs me, Rose.โ
โYouโre not Rose. Rose just died.โ
โIโm telling you, itโs me, Rose,โ insisted the voice.
โRose! Where are you?โ
โIn Heaven,โ replied Rose. โI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ
โTell me the good news first,โ said Barb.
โThe good news,โ Rose said, โis that thereโs barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโre all young again. Better still, itโs always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ
โThatโs fantastic,โ said Barb. โItโs beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโs the bad news?โ
โYouโre up here in the slack on Friday.โ
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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโs mouth just as a steward walked by.
โWhat was that?โ inquired the steward.
โOh nothing,โ said the trainer, โjust a poloโ.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ
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A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.
Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.
He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.
As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.
โHold onโ, says the Rabbi, โyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ
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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โDo you sell carrots?โ
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โNo, this is a pharmacy.โ
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, โAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โDo you sell carrots?โ
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
โDo ya seh cahot juys?โ
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
โHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ he asked.
โMy goldfish died and Iโm gonna bury him,โ Johnny replied.
โThatโs a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโt it?โ asked the neighbor.
โThatโs because heโs inside your cat!โ
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.
They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.
A little while later he comes back with a deer.
The average guy asks, โHow did you do that?โ
The really smart guy says, โI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ
The average guy says, โI think I understand,โ and leaves.
A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.
He really dumb goes gasp, โHow did you do that!?โ
And the average looks at him funny and says, โWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.
The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโฆ,โ and leaves.
Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.
Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.
This is what he said, โI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.
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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, โWhatโs the word on the street?โ
โOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ
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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that theyโll play a game with the kids. Theyโll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
โWell,โ he says, โitโs what mommy calls me sometimesโ.
The little girl screams, โDonโt eat it! Itโs an asshole!โ
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Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.
He asked, โNice, how did you do it?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.โ
Dracula said, โVery good.โ
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.
Dracula was shocked, โHow did you do that?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.โ
Dracula said, โFantastic.โ
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.
Dracula couldnโt believe his eyes, โHow did you do that?โ
The bat said, โDo you see that tower?โ
Dracula said, โYes.โ
And the bat said, โI didnโt see it.โ
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, โMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ
The second falcon turns back and says, โYouโd also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, โWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโt help you outrun that bear.โ
โI donโt need to outrun the bear,โ the first guy says. โI just need to outrun you.โ
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverโa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โSure.โ
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ
โImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, โIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โYouโre on.โ
โYou are an auditor,โ said the shepherd without hesitation.
โThatโs correct,โ said the young man, impressed. โHowever did you guess?โ
โIt wasnโt a guess,โ replied the shepherd. โYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ
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Itโs so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they wonโt lay boiled eggs.
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A blonde buys two horses and she canโt tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horseโs tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she canโt tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horsesโ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, โThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!โ
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, โHey.โ
The horse said, โNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, โWhy the long face?โ
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โDad, I donโt want to go to school today,โ said the boy.
โWhy not, son?โ
โWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ
โBut why donโt you want to go today?โ
โBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess thatโs why they moo.
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Bula decides itโs time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Yearโs Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: โWell, howโs the business going?โ
Bula: โBad brother, sorry about everything!โ
Johnny: โWhy?โ
Bula: โI donโt have any chickens anymore!โ
Johnny: โGood god, why?โ
Bula: โIf I know, I think Iโm doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโt water them enough, but one doesnโt raise the hen.โ
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, โWhoโs first?โ
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Psychiatrist: โWhat seems to be the problem?โ
Patient: โI think I'm a chicken.โ
Psychiatrist: โHow long has this been going on?โ
Patient: โEver since I came out of my shell.โ
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, โI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โcomfortableโ.
Skeptical, the operator asks, โHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ
The redhead replies, โShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โCome for ta bullโ.โ
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A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bearโs cage and says, โThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donโt touch his nose.โ
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man canโt no longer withstand, โI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!โ
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the manโs shoulder and says, โYou are it!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An anteater walks into a bar.
โHaving a nice day?โ asks the barman.
โNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ says the anteater.
โWhy the long nos?โ asks the barman.
โItโs always been like this,โ says the anteater.
๐ ๐ ๐
A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
โWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ He says.
โI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, โHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ
She said, โI can teach it good manners.โ
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, โDid you learn your lesson?โ
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said โBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
๐ ๐ ๐
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
๐ ๐ ๐
Student: โ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ
Teacher: โ502.โ
Student: โHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ
Teacher: โNo you canโt fit an elephant in a fridge!โ
Student: โJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ
Student: โHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ
Teacher: โOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ
Student: โNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ
Student: โThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ
Teacher: โThe lion?โ
Student: โNo! The giraffe because heโs in a fridge.โ
Student: โSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ
Teacher: โSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ
Student: โThe gators are at the party.โ
Student: โBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ
Teacher: โShe drowned?!โ
Student: โNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the best thing about being an anteater?
Youโre born with a built-in straw!
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
๐ ๐ ๐
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months Iโm protected against heartworms and fleas.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
๐ ๐ ๐
My poor dog doesnโt have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
๐ ๐ ๐
Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
๐ ๐ ๐
Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
๐ ๐ ๐
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
๐ ๐ ๐
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo mamaโs appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs a good thing snakes and dogs donโt interbreed.
Nobody wants a loyal snake.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do birds fly south for the fall?
Because itโs quicker than walking.
๐ ๐ ๐
Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did one flea say to the other?
โShall we walk or take the cat?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummybear.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
๐ ๐ ๐
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkeyโheโs always stuffed.
๐ ๐ ๐
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses canโt jump.
๐ ๐ ๐
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, โWhy arenโt you multiplying?โ
The snakes replied, โWe canโt, weโre adders.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes โNeigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-nawโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
๐ ๐ ๐
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and youโd get their attention.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
๐ ๐ ๐
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs donโt turn into men when they drink.
๐ ๐ ๐
It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot fire ants are really on fire.
๐ ๐ ๐
Public Service Announcement:
โIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo mama so hairy she found herself in a cage at the zoo.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.
๐ ๐ ๐
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnโt stop as fast.
๐ ๐ ๐
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first moleโdaddy moleโwakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, โMmmmm... I smell bacon!โ
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, โMmmmm... I smell pancakes!โ
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, โAll I can smell is molasses!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
๐ ๐ ๐
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, โWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ
โNot at all,โ the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
๐ ๐ ๐
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ
โOdd,โ her companion replies, โbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
โTwo dogs, please,โ she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โdogsโ.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โWhat part did you get?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโre sinking into quicksand.
๐ ๐ ๐
Youโre riding a horse full speed, thereโs a giraffe beside you, and youโre being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
๐ ๐ ๐
Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโs a shark!
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is a Jewsโ biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
๐ ๐ ๐
Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why didnโt the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
๐ ๐ ๐
Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
๐ ๐ ๐
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see heโd suffered some rough life.
โHave you been in any accidents lately?โ he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ
โYou donโt call those accidents?โ said the doctor with incredulity.
โNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman asks a waiter, โWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ
The waiter says, โShivering, madam.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
โWill I be able to race this horse again?โ he asks.
The vet replies: โOf course you will, and youโll probably win!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the owner name his racehorse โBad Newsโ?
Because bad news travels fast.
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
โSure,โ the airline agent said, โas long as you provide your own kennel.โ
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
โIโll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โDo you have frog legs?โ
The waiter looks offended, โNo, Iโve always walked like that!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old ladyโs door.
She answers and he says, โIโm so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโd like to replace it.โ
The old woman says, โOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When youโre a mouse.
๐ ๐ ๐
A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.
He asks the pharmacist, โDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? Iโm a little hoarse.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
Theyโre all very stable animals.
๐ ๐ ๐
Two monkeys are sharing an Amazon account, guess what are they called?
Prime mates.
๐ ๐ ๐
Scientists experimented on a rabbit and a bug, guess what they get?
A bugs bunny.
๐ ๐ ๐
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
๐ ๐ ๐
What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
๐ ๐ ๐
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
๐ ๐ ๐
A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
๐ ๐ ๐
What insect comes from the moon?
A Luna Tick!
๐ ๐ ๐
I canโt take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess thatโs what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
๐ ๐ ๐
A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.
He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.
โWhy were you late?โ asked the boss.
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ
The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.
The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โWhy were you late?โ
The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ
The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.
Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ
The worker said, โNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, Iโd like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, whatโs with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
๐ ๐ ๐
A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
โYou got to ride him to win,โ the trainer says, โbecause Iโve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ
โWill there be any room for me?โ the jockey asks.
๐ ๐ ๐
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, โNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ
He said, โWhy donโt you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ
She said, โNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ
He said, โWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโre OK.โ
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Olโ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโt seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโs ear.
She said, โMrs. Grim, Olโ Spot just died.โ
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, โThatโs bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโs stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โI think everything will be fine now,โ and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โYou know, that fellow that ran over OlโSpot never even stopped.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โNow Iโll show you this frog in my pocket.โ
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โThatโs funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโs lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didnโt move, he just stared.
โDonโt you want to sit on the bunnyโs lap?โ, I asked.
โNo!โ, he shouted. โThereโs a man in his mouth!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โHorsp.โ
โHorsp, who?โ
Did you just say โhorse poo?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A โBโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
Theyโre all girls! If they were boys, theyโd be uncles.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โInterrupting cow.โ
โInterrup...โ
โMoooooooo!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
๐ ๐ ๐
I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
๐ ๐ ๐
I said to my kid, โSomeone just told me that youโre acting like an owl.โ
My son: โWho?โ
Me: โExactly.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why doesnโt an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
๐ ๐ ๐
What happens if an owl doesnโt wash?
It smells fowl.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the owl โowl?
Because the woodpecker would peck โer.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs an owlโs favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โHoo.โ
โHoo, who?โ
โAre you an owl?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โOwls say.โ
โOwls say, who?โ
โYes, they do.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Britainโs most common owl?
The teatowel.
๐ ๐ ๐
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
๐ ๐ ๐
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
๐ ๐ ๐
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
๐ ๐ ๐
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is a carnivoreโs favorite bumper sticker for their car?
โI love animals. They taste great.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, โWhere did you get that?โ
The seagull replies, โDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
In Darwin, Australia, a multi-millionaire wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the sole aboriginal in the area.
He threw the party in his mansionโs garden, around the pool. Everyone was having a terrific time drinking, dancing, eating grilled prawns and oysters, and flirting.
The millionaire then announced, โI have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and Iโll give a million dollars to anyone who joins him in the pool.โ
The words had only left his mouth when there was a huge splash.
Everyone turned around to see Brian fighting the crocodile in the water, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutting it, choking it, biting its tail, and tossing it into the air like some kind of martial arts expert.
The water was swirling and splashing all over the place. Brian and the crocodile were both shouting and yelling.
Brian finally strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish after what seemed like an eternity.
Brian stepped out of the pool, weary, with everyone looking at him in surprise.
โWell, Brian, I think I owe you a million dollars then,โ the millionaire responded.
โNo way, boss, I donโt want it,โ Brian replied.
So the millionaire says, โMan, I have to offer you something. You won the wager. How about a million dollars?โ
โNo, thanks, I donโt want it,โ Brian said emphatically.
The millionaire again says, โCome on, I have to give you something. That was incredible. What about a brand-new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?โ
Again, Brian said, โNo.โ
โWell, Brian, then what do you want?โ the rich man inquired, perplexed.
โI want the bastard who pushed me in,โ said Brian.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
๐ ๐ ๐
A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, heโs instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, โWhatโs this supposed to do, cure me!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say โThe day I become ill will be the day pigs flyโ.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
๐ ๐ ๐
โDoctor, Doctor, I think Iโve got the swine flu.โ
โHereโs an oinkment to make it better.โ
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They ran out crying โbird fluโ!!!
I looked up and couldnโt see any, Iโm sure they were lying.
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Outbreak: New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!!
Itโs called Chirpies.
Itโs a Canarial Disease.
Itโs Untweetable.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, itโs tweetable.
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Whatโs the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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Whatโs the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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An American Indian meets a cowboy. Since neither of them knows each otherโs language, they start a sign conversation.
Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboyโs chest.
Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indianโs face.
Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands.
To which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.
Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him, โI met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me, he told that heโs going to shoot me in the chest, and I responded that Iโll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that heโll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me.โ
Indian returns home and speaks to his wife, โI met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me heโs a goat. I inquired โmountain goat?โ, and he responded โno, waterfowlโ.โ
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Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocksโJeff and Dave.
One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, โIf any man brings me an Indianโs prized horse, Iโll give him $1000.โ
The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.
It wasnโt long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.
He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.
The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.
Suddenly, Jeff said, โDave, look at this!โ
Dave replied, โNot now! Canโt you see Iโm trying to catch a prized horse?!โ
Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, โI really think you should look at this.โ
โWhy donโt you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!โ
But Jeff was adamant, โPlease, just take a darn look!โ
So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.
Dave shook his head and said, โOh... my... God... Weโre going to be millionaires!โ
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911 operator: โWhatโs your emergency?โ
Kangaroo: โI canโt find my children.โ
Kangaroo 911: โDid you check your pockets?โ
Kangaroo: โOh, never mind.โ
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Husband: โHello, 911? Yes, thereโs this Hindu fellow whoโs been following my wife around for the past few hours, and itโs starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and heโs... praying, or something.โ
911 operator: โSir, calm down, thereโs no issue hereโHindus are well known to worship cows.โ
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a โbear attackโ.
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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
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A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, โWhatโs happening?โ
The runner replied breathlessly, โA lion has escaped from the zoo.โ
โOh my, which way is it heading?โ
โWell, you donโt think we are chasing it, do you?โ
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Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
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I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.
But it was just a roofingย nut.
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What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ
The bartender says, โThree feet tall.โ
The guy says, โOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superiorโs bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
โMotherโ, the nuns pleaded, โPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โDonโt sell that cow.โ
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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
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What is a bearโs favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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Itโs easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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Whatโs the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
โCheer up!โ
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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I tried to dye my dogโs hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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What do you call a depressed unicorn?
A blue-corn.
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What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
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Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
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Why did the blue bird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
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What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
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Why donโt sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because theyโre all blubber and no beef.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
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Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
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How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
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Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasnโt gotten all the hair off her tongue.
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
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Yo daddy so fat he wore a gray shirt to the zoo, they thought the elephants escaped.
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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking companyโs lawyer was questioning Rick. โDidnโt you say, at the moment of the accident, โIโm fineโ,โ asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, โWell, Iโll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ
โI did not ask you for any details,โ the lawyer interrupted. โJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โIโm fineโ?โ
Rick said, โWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ
The lawyer interrupted again and said, โJudge, Iโm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโs answer and said to the lawyer, โIโd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didnโt want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โhow are you feeling?โ. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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What did the red panda say after winning a race?
โIโm un-bear-ably fast!โ
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Whatโs a skunkโs philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
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Who is the Easter Bunnyโs favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
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Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
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Why did the pig visit the physical therapistโs clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
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Morals:
1. Money is not everything. Thereโs also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So donโt touch them.
6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
Itโs impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โOh, what cute kittens!โ
The boy replies, โYes, they are Christian kittens.โ
About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says, โMy, those are just adorable!โ
The boy replies, โYes, they are atheist kittens.โ
The man asks, โWait, werenโt they Christian before?โ
The boy looks at the man and says, โYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ
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Three soccer playersโone plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโare lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, โWell, since Iโm from ManCHESTer, Iโll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, โWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, โIโm not hungry...โ
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, โWould you like to play?โ
โSure,โ replies the elephant.
โSo, whatโs your favorite game?โ the ant inquires.
โSquash,โ says the elephant.
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Why canโt you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You canโt take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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You know youโre 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantโs backside.
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Did you heard about the bird flu?
I mean, I donโt know why itโs such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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