Funny Jokes:

Funny Jokes
Joke of the Day

Bad Jokes
Clean Jokes
Double Meaning Jokes
Long Jokes
Short Jokes

Account Jokes
Accounting Jokes
» Accountant Jokes
» Tax Jokes
Alien Jokes
Animal Jokes
» Bear Jokes
» Cat Jokes
» Chicken Jokes
» Dog Jokes
» Fish Jokes
» Giraffe Jokes
» Horse Jokes
Ball Jokes
Bar Jokes
Batman Jokes
Beard Jokes
» Mustache Jokes
Big Nose Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Car Jokes
Cartoon Jokes
Chuck Norris Jokes
Couple Jokes
» Best Man Jokes
» Girlfriend Boyfriend Jokes
» Girlfriend Jokes
» Husband Wife Jokes
» Wedding Jokes
Disney Jokes
Dumb Jokes
Elf Jokes
English Jokes
Family Jokes
Farm Jokes
Fat Jokes
Food Jokes
» Banana Jokes
» Cheese Jokes
» Chocolate Jokes
» Coffee Jokes
» Donut Jokes
» Fruit Jokes
» Hot Dog Jokes
» Ice Cream Jokes
» Mushroom Jokes
» Pasta Jokes
» Pickle Jokes
» Pizza Jokes
» Potato Jokes
» Taco Jokes
» Vegetable Jokes
Friday Jokes
Friend Jokes
Good Night Jokes
Hair Jokes
» Haircut Jokes
Holiday Jokes
» Birthday Jokes
» Christmas Jokes
» Easter Jokes
» Halloween Jokes
Jokes on Jokes
Kid Jokes
Little Johnny Jokes
Love Jokes
» In Love Jokes
» Love Is Jokes
Man Jokes
» Old Man Jokes
Medical Jokes
» Doctor Doctor Jokes
» Doctor Jokes
» Pharmacist Jokes
» Pharmacy Jokes
Mom Jokes
» Yo Mama Jokes
» Yo Mama So Dumb Jokes
» Yo Mama So Fat Jokes
» Yo Mama So Hot Jokes
» Yo Mama So Old Jokes
» Yo Mama So Short Jokes
» Yo Mama So Stupid Jokes
» Yo Mama So Ugly Jokes
Money Jokes
Morning Jokes
» Good Morning Jokes
Music Jokes
Name Jokes
Old People Jokes
Pirate Jokes
Racist Jokes
Religion Jokes
» Bible Jokes
» Christianity Jokes
» God Jokes
School Jokes
» Biology Jokes
» Kindergarten Jokes
» Math Jokes
» Student Jokes
» Teacher Jokes
» Teacher Student Jokes
Space Jokes
» Moon Jokes
» Planet Jokes
» Sun Jokes
Spiderman Jokes
Sport Jokes
» Baseball Jokes
» Basketball Jokes
» Football Jokes
» Racing Jokes
» Tennis Jokes
Stupid Jokes
Summer Jokes
Weather Jokes
» Hot Jokes
Woman Jokes
Work Jokes
» Boss Jokes
» Office Jokes
» Retirement Jokes
» Work at Home Jokes
» Worker Jokes
» Working Jokes

Corny Jokes
Dad Jokes
Deez Nuts Jokes
Guess What Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
» Knock Knock Love Jokes
One Liner Jokes
Pick Up Lines Funny
Puns
» Moon Puns
Status Jokes

Funny Videos:

Funny Videos

Funny Pictures:

Funny Pictures
Funny Memes

Animal Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Animal Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see heโ€™d suffered some rough life.

โ€œHave you been in any accidents lately?โ€ he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โ€œNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t call those accidents?โ€ said the doctor with incredulity.

โ€œNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, โ€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโ€™s barrel racing there.โ€

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โ€œBarb, youโ€™ve been my best friend for many years. If itโ€™s at all possible, Iโ€™ll do this favor for you.โ€

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โ€œBarb, Barb.โ€

โ€œWho is it?โ€ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โ€œWho is it?โ€

โ€œBarb, itโ€™s me, Rose.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not Rose. Rose just died.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m telling you, itโ€™s me, Rose,โ€ insisted the voice.

โ€œRose! Where are you?โ€

โ€œIn Heaven,โ€ replied Rose. โ€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ€

โ€œTell me the good news first,โ€ said Barb.

โ€œThe good news,โ€ Rose said, โ€œis that thereโ€™s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโ€™re all young again. Better still, itโ€™s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fantastic,โ€ said Barb. โ€œItโ€™s beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re up here in the slack on Friday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

โ€œIs this horse unsound?โ€ they asked.

โ€œNot a bit,โ€ said the owner.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ asked the stewards, โ€œwhy have you never raced him before?โ€ โ€œMister,โ€ said the man from Idaho, โ€œwe couldnโ€™t even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horseโ€™s trainer meets him before the race and says, โ€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โ€œALLLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly in the horseโ€™s ear. Providing you do that, youโ€™ll be fine.โ€

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainerโ€™s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โ€œAleeee ooopโ€ in the horseโ€™s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โ€œItโ€™s no good, Iโ€™ll have to do it.โ€ And yells, โ€œALLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, โ€œNothing is wrong with me. Itโ€™s this bloody horse. What is he โ€” deaf or something?โ€

The trainer replies, โ€œDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโ€™s not deaf โ€” heโ€™ blind!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines โ€œPreacherโ€™s Ass showsโ€.

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!

The papers said โ€œPreacherโ€™s Ass out in Frontโ€. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline โ€œBishop Scratches Preacherโ€™s Assโ€. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines the next day read โ€œNun has the Best Ass in Townโ€. The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states โ€œNun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucksโ€. They buried the Bishop the next day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโ€™s mouth just as a steward walked by.

โ€œWhat was that?โ€ inquired the steward.

โ€œOh nothing,โ€ said the trainer, โ€œjust a poloโ€.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โ€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

โ€œHold onโ€, says the Rabbi, โ€œyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

โ€œYou got to ride him to win,โ€ the trainer says, โ€œbecause Iโ€™ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ€

โ€œWill there be any room for me?โ€ the jockey asks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?

The police horse goes โ€œNeigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-nawโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œYouโ€™ll win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.

Heโ€™s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because itโ€™s the best thing for a hot dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโ€™re sinking into quicksand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re riding a horse full speed, thereโ€™s a giraffe beside you, and youโ€™re being chase by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman asks a waiter, โ€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ€

The waiter says, โ€œShivering, madam.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the peg-leg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, โ€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ€

He said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ€

She said, โ€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ€

He said, โ€œWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโ€™re OK.โ€

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ€™ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ€™ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Olโ€™ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโ€™t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโ€™s ear.

She said, โ€œMrs. Grim, Olโ€™ Spot just died.โ€

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, โ€œThatโ€™s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโ€™ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโ€™s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ€

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โ€œI think everything will be fine now,โ€ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โ€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Olโ€™Spot never even stopped.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three women escape from prison โ€” a blonde and two brunettes โ€” and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house.

Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โ€œThereโ€™s just three burlap sacks in here!โ€

To which his partner replies, โ€œThen kick them just to be sure itโ€™s not them hidingโ€.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โ€œMEEEYYOWW!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, its just a stupid cat in there.โ€

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โ€œRUUFFF RUFFF!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid dog!โ€

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โ€œPOTATOES!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, โ€œWho owns the property?โ€

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, โ€œIโ€™m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.โ€

The old gentleman says, โ€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, donโ€™t go into that field over yonder,โ€ pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer, โ€œMister, Iโ€™m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.โ€

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boyโ€™s face, โ€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that Iโ€™m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.โ€

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where heโ€™d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bullโ€™s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the fieldโ€™s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, โ€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the north pole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โ€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde buys two horses and she canโ€™t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horseโ€™s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she canโ€™t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, โ€œThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

โ€‹

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHorsp.โ€

โ€œHorsp, who?โ€

Did you just say โ€œhorse poo?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the owner name his racehorse โ€œBad Newsโ€?

Because bad news travels fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โ€œMira el mosca.โ€

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โ€œNo, senor, โ€œla moscaโ€, es feminina.โ€

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โ€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses. I guess thatโ€™s why they moo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโ€™s a shark!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do anteaterโ€™s never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon? Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to a ladyโ€™s door.

She answers and he says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโ€™d like to replace it.โ€

The woman says, โ€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one flea say to the other?

โ€œShall we walk or take the cat?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's so disgusting, she keeps maggots as pets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three guy are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The really smart guy says, โ€œI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ€

The average guy says, โ€œI think I understand,โ€ and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, โ€œHow did you do that!?โ€

And the average looks at him funny and says, โ€œWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โ€œOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโ€ฆ,โ€ and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, โ€œI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keep coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโ€™s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didnโ€™t move, he just stared.

โ€œDonโ€™t you want to sit on the bunnyโ€™s lap?โ€, I asked.

โ€œNo!โ€, he shouted. โ€œThereโ€™s a man in his mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Theyโ€™re all girls! If they were boys, theyโ€™d be uncles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they wonโ€™t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, โ€œWell itโ€™s what Mommy calls me sometimes.โ€

The little girl screamed to her brother, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! It's an asshole!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do the seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œInterrupting cow.โ€

โ€œInterrup...โ€

โ€œMoooooooo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded for a whale as dessert.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When youโ€™re a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHow did you manage to do that?โ€

โ€œI once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.โ€

โ€œBut why?โ€

โ€œWell, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, weโ€™d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.โ€

โ€œAnd how do those four-legged chickens taste like?โ€

โ€œNo idea, never been able to catch one.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didnโ€™t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bula decides itโ€™s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Yearโ€™s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: โ€œWell, howโ€™s the business going?โ€

Bula: โ€œBad brother, sorry about everything!โ€

Johnny: โ€œWhy?โ€

Bula: โ€œI donโ€™t have any chickens anymore!โ€

Johnny: โ€œGood god, why?โ€

Bula: โ€œIf I know, I think Iโ€™m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโ€™t water them enough, but one doesnโ€™t raise the hen.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Psychiatrist: โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€

Patient: โ€œI think I'm a chicken.โ€

Psychiatrist: โ€œHow long has this been going on?โ€

Patient: โ€œEver since I came out of my shell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats hate laptops?

They donโ€™t have a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Student: โ€œ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ€

Teacher: โ€œ502.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo you canโ€™t fit an elephant in a fridge!โ€

Student: โ€œJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ€

Teacher: โ€œThe lion?โ€

Student: โ€œNo! The giraffe because heโ€™s in a fridge.โ€

Student: โ€œSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ€

Teacher: โ€œSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ€

Student: โ€œThe gators are at the party.โ€

Student: โ€œBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ€

Teacher: โ€œShe drowned?!โ€

Student: โ€œNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s a good thing snakes and dogs donโ€™t interbreed.

Nobody wants a loyal snake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





Funny Jokes:

Funny Jokes
Joke of the Day

Bad Jokes
Clean Jokes
Double Meaning Jokes
Long Jokes
Short Jokes

Account Jokes
Accounting Jokes
» Accountant Jokes
» Tax Jokes
Alien Jokes
Animal Jokes
» Bear Jokes
» Cat Jokes
» Chicken Jokes
» Dog Jokes
» Fish Jokes
» Giraffe Jokes
» Horse Jokes
Ball Jokes
Bar Jokes
Batman Jokes
Beard Jokes
» Mustache Jokes
Big Nose Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Car Jokes
Cartoon Jokes
Chuck Norris Jokes
Couple Jokes
» Best Man Jokes
» Girlfriend Boyfriend Jokes
» Girlfriend Jokes
» Husband Wife Jokes
» Wedding Jokes
Disney Jokes
Dumb Jokes
Elf Jokes
English Jokes
Family Jokes
Farm Jokes
Fat Jokes
Food Jokes
» Banana Jokes
» Cheese Jokes
» Chocolate Jokes
» Coffee Jokes
» Donut Jokes
» Fruit Jokes
» Hot Dog Jokes
» Ice Cream Jokes
» Mushroom Jokes
» Pasta Jokes
» Pickle Jokes
» Pizza Jokes
» Potato Jokes
» Taco Jokes
» Vegetable Jokes
Friday Jokes
Friend Jokes
Good Night Jokes
Hair Jokes
» Haircut Jokes
Holiday Jokes
» Birthday Jokes
» Christmas Jokes
» Easter Jokes
» Halloween Jokes
Jokes on Jokes
Kid Jokes
Little Johnny Jokes
Love Jokes
» In Love Jokes
» Love Is Jokes
Man Jokes
» Old Man Jokes
Medical Jokes
» Doctor Doctor Jokes
» Doctor Jokes
» Pharmacist Jokes
» Pharmacy Jokes
Mom Jokes
» Yo Mama Jokes
» Yo Mama So Dumb Jokes
» Yo Mama So Fat Jokes
» Yo Mama So Hot Jokes
» Yo Mama So Old Jokes
» Yo Mama So Short Jokes
» Yo Mama So Stupid Jokes
» Yo Mama So Ugly Jokes
Money Jokes
Morning Jokes
» Good Morning Jokes
Music Jokes
Name Jokes
Old People Jokes
Pirate Jokes
Racist Jokes
Religion Jokes
» Bible Jokes
» Christianity Jokes
» God Jokes
School Jokes
» Biology Jokes
» Kindergarten Jokes
» Math Jokes
» Student Jokes
» Teacher Jokes
» Teacher Student Jokes
Space Jokes
» Moon Jokes
» Planet Jokes
» Sun Jokes
Spiderman Jokes
Sport Jokes
» Baseball Jokes
» Basketball Jokes
» Football Jokes
» Racing Jokes
» Tennis Jokes
Stupid Jokes
Summer Jokes
Weather Jokes
» Hot Jokes
Woman Jokes
Work Jokes
» Boss Jokes
» Office Jokes
» Retirement Jokes
» Work at Home Jokes
» Worker Jokes
» Working Jokes

Corny Jokes
Dad Jokes
Deez Nuts Jokes
Guess What Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
» Knock Knock Love Jokes
One Liner Jokes
Pick Up Lines Funny
Puns
» Moon Puns
Status Jokes

Funny Videos:

Funny Videos

Funny Pictures:

Funny Pictures
Funny Memes

















© 2022 jokes.best