Animal Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Animal Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Animal Jokes


My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.

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When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.

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The red panda had a wild night last night.

He was caught red-handed.

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How does a red panda flirt with her crush?

She gives them a bamboozling smile.

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Why was the red panda good at math?

It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.

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Red pandas never skip leg day.

Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.

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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?

It wanted to reach new heights-bear.

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Why did the red panda become an actor?

It had a panda-mic personality.

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Did you hear about the red pandaโ€™s art exhibition?

It was panda-monium!

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Animal Jokes Funny



Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

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A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โ€œI love you this much,โ€ as he stretched out his arms.

To which the girlfriend replied, โ€œThatโ€™s not very much at all!โ€

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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

โ€œIs this horse unsound?โ€ they asked.

โ€œNot a bit,โ€ said the owner.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ asked the stewards, โ€œwhy have you never raced him before?โ€ โ€œMister,โ€ said the man from Idaho, โ€œwe couldnโ€™t even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ€

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horseโ€™s trainer meets him before the race and says, โ€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โ€œALLLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly in the horseโ€™s ear. Providing you do that, youโ€™ll be fine.โ€

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainerโ€™s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โ€œAleeee ooopโ€ in the horseโ€™s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โ€œItโ€™s no good, Iโ€™ll have to do it.โ€ And yells, โ€œALLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, โ€œNothing is wrong with me. Itโ€™s this bloody horse. What is heโ€”deaf or something?โ€

The trainer replies, โ€œDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโ€™s not deafโ€”heโ€™s blind!!!โ€

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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œyouโ€™ll win!โ€

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, โ€œSo, how did you end up with the pegleg?โ€

The pirate replies, โ€œWe were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.โ€

โ€œWow!โ€ said the seaman.

โ€œWhat about your hook?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the pirate, โ€œwe were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.โ€

โ€œIncredible!โ€ remarked the seaman.

โ€œHow did you get the eye patch?โ€

โ€œA seagull dropping fell into my eye,โ€ replied the pirate.

โ€œYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?โ€ the sailor asked incredulously.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the pirate, โ€œit was my first day with my hook...โ€

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Three women escape from prisonโ€”a blonde and two brunettesโ€”and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โ€œThere are just three burlap sacks in here!โ€

To which his partner replies, โ€œThen kick them just to be sure itโ€™s not them hidingโ€.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โ€œMEEEYYOWW!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid cat in there.โ€

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โ€œRUUFFF RUFFF!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid dog!โ€

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โ€œPOTATOES!โ€

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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, โ€œMira el mosca.โ€

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, โ€œNo, senor, โ€œla moscaโ€, es feminina.โ€

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, โ€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.โ€

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Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

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Animal Jokes for Adults



A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

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Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldnโ€™t stand Rod, so he told him, โ€œYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ€

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โ€œDamn, another one without shoes!!โ€

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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

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A woman goes to her boyfriendโ€™s parentsโ€™ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโ€™t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโ€™s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโ€™s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โ€œGinger!โ€

The woman thought, โ€œThis is great!โ€ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโ€™t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger!โ€

Once again the woman smiled and thought, โ€œYes!โ€

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโ€™t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!โ€

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, โ€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโ€™s barrel racing there.โ€

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โ€œBarb, youโ€™ve been my best friend for many years. If itโ€™s at all possible, Iโ€™ll do this favor for you.โ€

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โ€œBarb, Barb.โ€

โ€œWho is it?โ€ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โ€œWho is it?โ€

โ€œBarb, itโ€™s me, Rose.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not Rose. Rose just died.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m telling you, itโ€™s me, Rose,โ€ insisted the voice.

โ€œRose! Where are you?โ€

โ€œIn Heaven,โ€ replied Rose. โ€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ€

โ€œTell me the good news first,โ€ said Barb.

โ€œThe good news,โ€ Rose said, โ€œis that thereโ€™s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโ€™re all young again. Better still, itโ€™s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fantastic,โ€ said Barb. โ€œItโ€™s beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re up here in the slack on Friday.โ€

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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโ€™s mouth just as a steward walked by.

โ€œWhat was that?โ€ inquired the steward.

โ€œOh nothing,โ€ said the trainer, โ€œjust a poloโ€.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โ€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ€

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A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

โ€œHold onโ€, says the Rabbi, โ€œyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ€

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

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One day Little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

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Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The really smart guy says, โ€œI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ€

The average guy says, โ€œI think I understand,โ€ and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, โ€œHow did you do that!?โ€

And the average looks at him funny and says, โ€œWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โ€œOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโ€ฆ,โ€ and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, โ€œI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

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Wild Animal Jokes



Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.

He asked, โ€œNice, how did you do it?โ€

The bat said, โ€œDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.โ€

Dracula said, โ€œVery good.โ€

The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.

Dracula was shocked, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The bat said, โ€œDo you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.โ€

Dracula said, โ€œFantastic.โ€

Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.

Dracula couldnโ€™t believe his eyes, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The bat said, โ€œDo you see that tower?โ€

Dracula said, โ€œYes.โ€

And the bat said, โ€œI didnโ€™t see it.โ€

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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

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Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โ€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ€

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

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Farm Animal Jokes and Puns



A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they wonโ€™t lay boiled eggs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde buys two horses and she canโ€™t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horseโ€™s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she canโ€™t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horsesโ€™ ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, โ€œThe white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess thatโ€™s why they moo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bula decides itโ€™s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Yearโ€™s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: โ€œWell, howโ€™s the business going?โ€

Bula: โ€œBad brother, sorry about everything!โ€

Johnny: โ€œWhy?โ€

Bula: โ€œI donโ€™t have any chickens anymore!โ€

Johnny: โ€œGood god, why?โ€

Bula: โ€œIf I know, I think Iโ€™m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or donโ€™t water them enough, but one doesnโ€™t raise the hen.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Psychiatrist: โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€

Patient: โ€œI think I'm a chicken.โ€

Psychiatrist: โ€œHow long has this been going on?โ€

Patient: โ€œEver since I came out of my shell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Zoo Animal Jokes



A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.

The shop assistant takes the man to the bearโ€™s cage and says, โ€œThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donโ€™t touch his nose.โ€

The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.

Until the man canโ€™t no longer withstand, โ€œI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!โ€

So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.

Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.

With his paw, the bear taps the manโ€™s shoulder and says, โ€œYou are it!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An anteater walks into a bar.

โ€œHaving a nice day?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ€ says the anteater.

โ€œWhy the long nos?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œItโ€™s always been like this,โ€ says the anteater.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Student: โ€œ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ€

Teacher: โ€œ502.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo you canโ€™t fit an elephant in a fridge!โ€

Student: โ€œJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ€

Teacher: โ€œThe lion?โ€

Student: โ€œNo! The giraffe because heโ€™s in a fridge.โ€

Student: โ€œSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ€

Teacher: โ€œSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ€

Student: โ€œThe gators are at the party.โ€

Student: โ€œBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ€

Teacher: โ€œShe drowned?!โ€

Student: โ€œNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Zoo Animal Puns Short



Whatโ€™s the best thing about being an anteater?

Youโ€™re born with a built-in straw!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do anteaters never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Animal Jokes One-Liners



The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.

The good news: For the next 3 months Iโ€™m protected against heartworms and fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My poor dog doesnโ€™t have a big nose.

That makes him smell terrible.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s a good thing snakes and dogs donโ€™t interbreed.

Nobody wants a loyal snake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


TOP 10 Funniest Animal Puns List



Why do birds fly south for the fall?

Because itโ€™s quicker than walking.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one flea say to the other?

โ€œShall we walk or take the cat?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Animal Puns Funny



As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, โ€œWhy arenโ€™t you multiplying?โ€

The snakes replied, โ€œWe canโ€™t, weโ€™re adders.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?

The police horse goes โ€œNeigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-nawโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

โ€‹

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Short Bad Animal Puns, Jokes and One-Liners



Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Public Service Announcement:

โ€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hairy she found herself in a cage at the zoo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnโ€™t stop as fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first moleโ€”daddy moleโ€”wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, โ€œMmmmm... I smell bacon!โ€

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, โ€œMmmmm... I smell pancakes!โ€

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, โ€œAll I can smell is molasses!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโ€™re sinking into quicksand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re riding a horse full speed, thereโ€™s a giraffe beside you, and youโ€™re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโ€™s a shark!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a Jewsโ€™ biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didnโ€™t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Clean Animal Puns, One-Liners and Jokes for Office Colleagues



Itโ€™s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see heโ€™d suffered some rough life.

โ€œHave you been in any accidents lately?โ€ he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โ€œNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t call those accidents?โ€ said the doctor with incredulity.

โ€œNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman asks a waiter, โ€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ€

The waiter says, โ€œShivering, madam.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the owner name his racehorse โ€œBad Newsโ€?

Because bad news travels fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old ladyโ€™s door.

She answers and he says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโ€™d like to replace it.โ€

The old woman says, โ€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When youโ€™re a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One-Word Animal Puns



A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? Iโ€™m a little hoarse.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?

Theyโ€™re all very stable animals.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two monkeys are sharing an Amazon account, guess what are they called?

Prime mates.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Scientists experimented on a rabbit and a bug, guess what they get?

A bugs bunny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?

Thoroughbred.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Animal Jokes Clean



A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

โ€œWhy were you late?โ€ asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โ€œWhy were you late?โ€

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โ€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ€

The worker said, โ€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, Iโ€™d like a scoop of chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, whatโ€™s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

โ€œYou got to ride him to win,โ€ the trainer says, โ€œbecause Iโ€™ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ€

โ€œWill there be any room for me?โ€ the jockey asks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, โ€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ€

He said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ€

She said, โ€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ€

He said, โ€œWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโ€™re OK.โ€

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ€™ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ€™ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Olโ€™ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโ€™t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโ€™s ear.

She said, โ€œMrs. Grim, Olโ€™ Spot just died.โ€

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, โ€œThatโ€™s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโ€™ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโ€™s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ€

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โ€œI think everything will be fine now,โ€ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โ€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Olโ€™Spot never even stopped.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโ€™s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didnโ€™t move, he just stared.

โ€œDonโ€™t you want to sit on the bunnyโ€™s lap?โ€, I asked.

โ€œNo!โ€, he shouted. โ€œThereโ€™s a man in his mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Punny Animal Jokes for Kids



Whatโ€™s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHorsp.โ€

โ€œHorsp, who?โ€

Did you just say โ€œhorse poo?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Theyโ€™re all girls! If they were boys, theyโ€™d be uncles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œInterrupting cow.โ€

โ€œInterrup...โ€

โ€œMoooooooo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Animal Jokes



In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.

But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.

Itโ€™s actually a live bear but itโ€™s too scared to move.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandmaโ€™s kitchen.

โ€œWell now, whereโ€™s my bucket, and whereโ€™s my water?โ€ grandma asked him.

โ€œI canโ€™t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,โ€ exclaimed Johnny. โ€œThereโ€™s a BIG olโ€™ alligator down there!โ€

โ€œNow donโ€™t you mind that olโ€™ alligator, Johnny. Heโ€™s been there for a few years now, and heโ€™s never hurt anyone. Why, heโ€™s probably as scared of you as you are of him!โ€

โ€œWell, grandma,โ€ replied Johnny, โ€œif heโ€™s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ainโ€™t fit to drink!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?

She was afraid someone would Caesar.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCaterpillar.โ€

โ€œCaterpillar, who?โ€

โ€œCaterpillar a few mice for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œGoat.โ€

โ€œGoat, who?โ€

โ€œGoat on a limb and open the door.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œChicken.โ€

โ€œChicken, who?โ€

โ€œJust chicken this is the right house!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œAlpaca.โ€

โ€œAlpaca, who?โ€

โ€œAlpaca suitcase and move in shortly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œNarwhal.โ€

โ€œNarwhal, who?โ€

โ€œI narwhal the best knock knock jokes! Do you wanna hear some more?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOstrich.โ€

โ€œOstrich, who?โ€

โ€œOstrich as far as I can, but I still canโ€™t reach the doorbell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCow says.โ€

โ€œCow says, who?โ€

โ€œNo, owls say โ€œwhoโ€, cows say โ€œmooโ€!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl I can say is โ€œKnock, knockโ€!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl you know unless you open the door?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œWho.โ€

โ€œWho, who?โ€

โ€œSorry I donโ€™t speak to owls!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOink oink.โ€

โ€œOink oink, who?โ€

โ€œMake up your mindโ€ฆ Are you a pig or an owl?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl aboard.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œBaby owl.โ€

โ€œBaby owl, who?โ€

โ€œBaby owl see you later.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl be sure to use the bell next time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl always love you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl be glad to meet you if you let me in.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl good things come to those who wait.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCargo.โ€

โ€œCargo, who?โ€

โ€œNope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHoo.โ€

โ€œHoo, who?โ€

โ€œYou talk like an owl!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwl.โ€

โ€œOwl, who?โ€

โ€œOwl be seeing you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwls.โ€

โ€œOwls, who?โ€

โ€œYes, the last time I checked they do.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œBird.โ€

โ€œBird, who?โ€

โ€œBird day greetings to you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œGopher.โ€

โ€œGopher, who?โ€

โ€œGopher the balloons, itโ€™s party time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOlive.โ€

โ€œOlive, who?โ€

โ€œOlive the other reindeer.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œWho.โ€

โ€œWho, who?โ€

โ€œHooves are what deer have on their feetโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œDee.โ€

โ€œDee, who?โ€

โ€œDeer are cool, but reindeer are cooler!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œRay.โ€

โ€œRay, who?โ€

โ€œReindeer are getting ready for Christmas!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s one thing that youโ€™ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?

Youโ€™ll both be filled with stuffing.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What sound does a turkeyโ€™s phone make?

โ€œWing, wing.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?

A family member giving you the bird.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call rain on Turkey Day?

Fowl weather.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Donโ€™t ever attend Thanksgiving with a group of comedians.

Theyโ€™ll never stop roasting the turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, โ€œAre you hungry, dear?โ€

And the turkey answers, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m stuffed.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.

But they refused to have turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.

But it was removed because of fowl language.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldnโ€™t stop cold turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

โ€œQuack! Quack!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that they donโ€™t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, โ€œHey, turkey! Iโ€™ve always wondered somethingโ€ฆโ€

Turkeyโ€™s like, โ€œYeah. Whatโ€™s up?โ€

And so the chicken says, โ€œThat thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever thatโ€™s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?โ€

And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, โ€œBeak? What beak?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chicken to turkey:

โ€œOnly Thanksgiving and Christmas? Youโ€™re lucky, with us itโ€™s any Sunday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?

Turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

Heโ€™s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?

The turkey, because heโ€™s already stuffed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.

But they banned flavored vapes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are the cranberries red?

They saw the turkey dressing!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of key is edible?

A turkey on Thanksgiving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, โ€œIf your brothers start arguing, donโ€™t take sides.โ€

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?

Because he had the drumsticks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?

You butterball-ieve it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a bad bowlerโ€™s favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

โ€œโ€ฆThis is the way.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?

Weโ€™d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?

โ€œEasy, I tell the bird he is going to die.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?

He couldnโ€™t quit cold turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?

Because they donโ€™t like Turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?

Because of fowl language.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?

He had to quit cold turkey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was โ€œcarโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

โ€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call an important English snake?

Sir Pent.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Important Announcement:

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that arenโ€™t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:

1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a monkeyโ€™s favorite day of the year?

The first of Ape-ril.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do deer celebrate April Foolโ€™s Day?

They pronk each other.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I said to my kid, โ€œSomeone just told me that youโ€™re acting like an owl.โ€

My son: โ€œWho?โ€

Me: โ€œExactly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call an owl with a deep voice?

A growl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why doesnโ€™t an owl study for a test?

They prefer to wing it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens if an owl doesnโ€™t wash?

It smells fowl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the owl โ€™owl?

Because the woodpecker would peck โ€™er.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s an owlโ€™s favorite subject at school?

Owl-gebra.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHoo.โ€

โ€œHoo, who?โ€

โ€œAre you an owl?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œOwls say.โ€

โ€œOwls say, who?โ€

โ€œYes, they do.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Britainโ€™s most common owl?

The teatowel.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

Ouch!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What farm animal keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a carnivoreโ€™s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

โ€œI love animals. They taste great.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.

The barman asks, โ€œWhere did you get that?โ€

The seagull replies, โ€œDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In Darwin, Australia, a multi-millionaire wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the sole aboriginal in the area.

He threw the party in his mansionโ€™s garden, around the pool. Everyone was having a terrific time drinking, dancing, eating grilled prawns and oysters, and flirting.

The millionaire then announced, โ€œI have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and Iโ€™ll give a million dollars to anyone who joins him in the pool.โ€

The words had only left his mouth when there was a huge splash.

Everyone turned around to see Brian fighting the crocodile in the water, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutting it, choking it, biting its tail, and tossing it into the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was swirling and splashing all over the place. Brian and the crocodile were both shouting and yelling.

Brian finally strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish after what seemed like an eternity.

Brian stepped out of the pool, weary, with everyone looking at him in surprise.

โ€œWell, Brian, I think I owe you a million dollars then,โ€ the millionaire responded.

โ€œNo way, boss, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian replied.

So the millionaire says, โ€œMan, I have to offer you something. You won the wager. How about a million dollars?โ€

โ€œNo, thanks, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian said emphatically.

The millionaire again says, โ€œCome on, I have to give you something. That was incredible. What about a brand-new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?โ€

Again, Brian said, โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œWell, Brian, then what do you want?โ€ the rich man inquired, perplexed.

โ€œI want the bastard who pushed me in,โ€ said Brian.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a flying pig?

Swine flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did the pig get out of the tree?

The swine flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The bird developed an illness.

I think it started when the bird flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?

Swine flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


They said when pigs fly...

But the swine already flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, heโ€™s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, โ€œWhatโ€™s this supposed to do, cure me!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


John thought he could never catch an illness.

When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say โ€œThe day I become ill will be the day pigs flyโ€.

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor, Doctor, I think Iโ€™ve got the swine flu.โ€

โ€œHereโ€™s an oinkment to make it better.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


They ran out crying โ€˜bird fluโ€™!!!

I looked up and couldnโ€™t see any, Iโ€™m sure they were lying.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Outbreak: New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!!

Itโ€™s called Chirpies.

Itโ€™s a Canarial Disease.

Itโ€™s Untweetable.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The bird flu is pretty nasty.

Luckily, itโ€™s tweetable.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An American Indian meets a cowboy. Since neither of them knows each otherโ€™s language, they start a sign conversation.

Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboyโ€™s chest.

Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indianโ€™s face.

Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands.

To which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.

Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him, โ€œI met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me, he told that heโ€™s going to shoot me in the chest, and I responded that Iโ€™ll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that heโ€™ll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me.โ€

Indian returns home and speaks to his wife, โ€œI met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me heโ€™s a goat. I inquired โ€œmountain goat?โ€, and he responded โ€œno, waterfowlโ€.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocksโ€”Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, โ€œIf any man brings me an Indianโ€™s prized horse, Iโ€™ll give him $1000.โ€

The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.

It wasnโ€™t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.

The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, โ€œDave, look at this!โ€

Dave replied, โ€œNot now! Canโ€™t you see Iโ€™m trying to catch a prized horse?!โ€

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, โ€œI really think you should look at this.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!โ€

But Jeff was adamant, โ€œPlease, just take a darn look!โ€

So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.

Dave shook his head and said, โ€œOh... my... God... Weโ€™re going to be millionaires!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


911 operator: โ€œWhatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

Kangaroo: โ€œI canโ€™t find my children.โ€

Kangaroo 911: โ€œDid you check your pockets?โ€

Kangaroo: โ€œOh, never mind.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œHello, 911? Yes, thereโ€™s this Hindu fellow whoโ€™s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and itโ€™s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and heโ€™s... praying, or something.โ€

911 operator: โ€œSir, calm down, thereโ€™s no issue hereโ€”Hindus are well known to worship cows.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a โ€œbear attackโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.

He stopped one of the runners and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

The runner replied breathlessly, โ€œA lion has escaped from the zoo.โ€

โ€œOh my, which way is it heading?โ€

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t think we are chasing it, do you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the coyote cross the road?

It was chasing the roadrunner.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.

But it was just a roofingยnut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a bearโ€™s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s easy to spot a sad flamingo.

They get really blue.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?

โ€œCheer up!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?

A scrub jay.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to dye my dogโ€™s hair blue.

But I guess he was blue-ish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a blue crab today.

It was quite a claw-some sight.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?

A bird with no identity.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a blue horse the other day.

I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.

It was a huge ordeal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a depressed unicorn?

A blue-corn.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blue owl?

A hoo-dini.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do blue whales need computers?

To go on their whale-net.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the blue bird get kicked out of the forest?

Because it was a bird of pray.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a group of blue whales?

A pod of blues.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t sharks like to eat blue whales?

Because theyโ€™re all blubber and no beef.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I named my pet goldfish Uranus.

It really keeps my aquarium afloat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?

Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?

Because she did not have a bat robe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do elephants bathe?

With their trunks on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She still hasnโ€™t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does an owl need after taking a bath?

A t-owl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened when the pig pen broke?

They had to use the pig pencil.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where do birds meet for coffee?

In a nest-cafe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy so fat he wore a gray shirt to the zoo, they thought the elephants escaped.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a red panda dentist?

A molar bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the red panda say after winning a race?

โ€œIโ€™m un-bear-ably fast!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s a skunkโ€™s philosophy of life?

Eat, stink and be merry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is the Easter Bunnyโ€™s favorite movie actor?

Rabbit De Niro.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?

Kevin Bacon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the pig visit the physical therapistโ€™s clinic?

It pulled a hamstring.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Morals:

1. Money is not everything. Thereโ€™s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So donโ€™t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

Itโ€™s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โ€œOh, what cute kittens!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are Christian kittens.โ€

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, โ€œMy, those are just adorable!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are atheist kittens.โ€

The man asks, โ€œWait, werenโ€™t they Christian before?โ€

The boy looks at the man and says, โ€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three soccer playersโ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, โ€œWell, since Iโ€™m from ManCHESTer, Iโ€™ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, โ€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, โ€œIโ€™m not hungry...โ€

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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, โ€œWould you like to play?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ replies the elephant.

โ€œSo, whatโ€™s your favorite game?โ€ the ant inquires.

โ€œSquash,โ€ says the elephant.

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Why canโ€™t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You canโ€™t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?

Lucky.

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You know youโ€™re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantโ€™s backside.

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Did you heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I donโ€™t know why itโ€™s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

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Bird flu.

Bird landed.

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