America Jokes



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America Jokes


How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?

Because everybody says โ€œStay Safeโ€.

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On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?

Then it becomes in-da-pendant.

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Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

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Do you know that America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonaldโ€™s combined?

Starbucks and McDonaldโ€™s have a combined total of 0 museums.

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Why were Native Americans in America first?

They had reservations.

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Teacher: โ€œJohn, show us where North America is.โ€

John: โ€œHere it is.โ€

Teacher: โ€œGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?โ€

Class: โ€œJohn!โ€

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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

Iโ€™m starting to think theyโ€™re bad luck.

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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied, โ€œItโ€™s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.โ€

The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, โ€œGood trade.โ€

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Did you know โ€œVegetarianโ€ is a Native American word?

It means โ€œLousy Hunterโ€.

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A man and his family walk into a bar.

Inside the bar, the manโ€™s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating โ€œWorldโ€™s longest memoryโ€.

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, โ€œWhat did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?โ€

The Native American states, โ€œEggs.โ€

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, โ€œHow!โ€

The Native American replies, โ€œScrambled.โ€

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A white man comes across a Native American who is lying on the ground with his ear pressed against the ground between two tire tracks.

โ€œWhatโ€™s going on?โ€ the white man asks.

โ€œWhite Chevy Tahoe. Four doors. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,โ€ replies the Native American.

โ€œWow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?โ€

โ€œNo, you idiot! Thatโ€™s what the asshole who hit me was driving.โ€

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What is the witchโ€™s favorite crime show?

Americaโ€™s Most Haunted.

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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesnโ€™t know any of the peopleโ€™s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, โ€œYes. Better start gathering firewood.โ€

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the national weather service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, โ€œApparently, itโ€™s going to be pretty cold this year.โ€

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say โ€œYes! Apparently, itโ€™s going to be even colder than we previously thought.โ€

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him itโ€™s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, โ€œI have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!โ€

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What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?

Youโ€™re the wurst.

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Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus?

Thor is in Asgard.

Iron Man died.

Captain is now old.

Hulk doesnโ€™t have much power.

The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.

And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.

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What do aliens call an American who couldnโ€™t cross the road?

A flat Earther.

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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

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Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.

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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: โ€œPut a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!โ€

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

The man blacked out with the machineโ€™s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,โ€ says the machine.

โ€œBut itโ€™s impossible!โ€ screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. Youโ€™re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.โ€

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

โ€œYouโ€™re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!โ€

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85% of people in America donโ€™t know basic math.

Thanks God Iโ€™m from the other 25%.

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Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, โ€œWeโ€™re pretty full, so weโ€™re making people pass additional tests.

I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and heโ€™s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.โ€

All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim steps up and says, โ€œI wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.โ€

St. Peter waves him through.

John Madden says, โ€œI coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.โ€

Also gets waived through.

St. Peter says, โ€œOK, Betty, what about you?โ€

She smiles and says, โ€œIf heโ€™s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...โ€

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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

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