Alcoholic Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Alcoholic Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Alcoholic Jokes

Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

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I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.

Is one of them attends meetings.

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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.

He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.

The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.

The drunk replies, β€œI’m just going to a lecture, officer.”

In disbelief, the officer asks, β€œWho would be giving a lecture this late?”

The alcoholic replies, β€œMy wife.”

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Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.

β€œSir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”

β€œWell, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”

β€œWHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”

β€œThe handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”

The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.

The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.

β€œThere’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. β€œI thought you said there was a homicide?”

He then searches under the seat, β€œAnd no gun either.”

The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.

β€œGee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”

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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?

He was already aΒ friend of bills.

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Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?

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Judge: β€œOn what grounds do you want a divorce?”

Husband: β€œMy wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”

Judge: β€œYou mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”

Husband: β€œNo, she’s out looking for me!”

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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, β€œWhy am I here?”

β€œFor drinking,” replies the officer.

β€œGreat,” says the man, β€œWhen do we start?”

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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

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β€œHi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”

β€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”

β€œI know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

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Priest: β€œDon’t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: β€œHe will also go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œOK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”

Priest: β€œShe too will go to hell.”

Alcoholic: β€œIn that case, I have no problem going to hell.”

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