Enjoy our team's carefully selected Alcoholic Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.
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I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.
Is one of them attends meetings.
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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
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Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.
“Sir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”
“Well, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”
“WHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”
“The handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”
The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.
The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.
“There’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. “I thought you said there was a homicide?”
He then searches under the seat, “And no gun either.”
The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.
“Gee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”
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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
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Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”
Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”
Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”
Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
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“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “OK, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts them out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”
Priest: “She too will go to hell.”
Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to hell.”
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