Jokes About Alcohol



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Alcohol Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Alcohol Jokes


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”

“Of Course”, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”

“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”

“Of course”, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”

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Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.

There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.

I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.

Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.

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A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks, “Hey, do you know Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or anything like that?”

Offended, the Asian man replies, “What you think that just because I’m Asian, I know martial arts?”

The man replies, “Nah, it’s because you’re drinking my damn bourbon!”

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Friend: “I wasn’t that drunk.

Me: “Dude! You gave a mushroom to a midget and said “Grow Mario! Grow!”.

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If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

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It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January.

I drink on all of the other days.

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Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him Moody.

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A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.

When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home. The humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, “What is that on your back?!”

The man replies, “Oh, that’s my hump.”

“Give it to me!” the gnome snarls, and he magically grabs the man’s hump.

The next day, the man returns to the bar to tell his peg leg friend how he got magically cured of his hump.

“No more pain, I can walk straight! That gnome gave me my life back!” he yelled.

That night, when the bar closes, the peg leg decides to try his luck too, and takes the route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, “What is that on your back?!”

The man blinks and stutters, “Eh... I have nothing in my back, but...”

And the gnome snarls, “Here, I’ve got a spare hump for you!”

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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?

Ginger beer.

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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”

Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”

Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”

Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”

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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.

“No,” she replied.

“Then why did you buy so much bread?”

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Bison Theory

A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”

“For drinking,” replies the officer.

“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”

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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

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“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

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Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.

“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.

“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”

“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”

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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

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Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”

Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”

Priest: “He will also go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?” Priest: “She too will go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  

With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”

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Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

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