Enjoy our team's carefully selected Airplane Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
How did the ghost get from New York to London?
British Scare-ways.
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A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” the senator says, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the senator. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent—none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks the Senator, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”
“Marvelous!” the senator beams. “And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”
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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?
Plane English.
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Did you hear about the plane prank?
The twin towers fell for it.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, “It will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.”
The priest says, “It will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.”
The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?”
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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?
They said it was a skyblunder.
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”
The rabbi replied, “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.
But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”
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A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.
The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.
The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.
They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.
The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.
Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.
The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.
The copilot replies, “I told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”
The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”
“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Yeah.”
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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My brother has a pilot’s license but only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane.
Now he flies commercial.
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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the “You didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
The next day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.
As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, “Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!”
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
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I’m like the American Airlines of dating.
We understand you had other options of relationships and we’re sorry you chose me.
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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
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The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.
It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisl?”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
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A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn’t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.
He lost his case.
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.
The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.
The Karen smugly replies, “I am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.”
The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.
The Karen responds by shouting loudly, “I am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!”
The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.
The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, “Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?!” and storms off to her seat in coach.
Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, “We’ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.”
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out of a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one drummer an hour.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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Your head is so big, the airlines charge you an extra $25 to bring it aboard.
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim: “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim: “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave: “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim: “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Jim: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No.”
Jim: “Well, DON’T—because I’m in New Zealand.”
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Which kind of donuts can fly?
The plane ones.
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
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My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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