What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.
The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.
The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.
He announces to the class, “Using everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.
The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.
A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.
The students then gathered around him and asked him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.
His reply:
“What chair?”
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It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
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I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.
It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
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What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
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The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
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The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tamara.”
“Tamara, who?”
“Tamara we’ll have turkey leftovers!”
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!
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I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved a zero for this exam.”
She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”
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Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Pepito asks his teacher, “Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher tells him, “No, Pepito, of course not.”
Pepito responds, “That’s good because I didn’t do my homework.”
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A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
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What happened to the Elf on the Shelf who met a skunk?
He became elfully stinky!
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Went to a party on the moon once.
Didn’t really like it, no atmosphere.
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What do you call a fish who raps?
Swim Shady.
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