What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
😄 😄 😄
Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled ‘nuclear’ wrong.
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I was having random bouts of diarrhea but I couldn’t figure out what was causing it.
Then I started keeping track.
I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.
Turns out I’m Lacoste intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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Why can’t Lionel Messi be a gardener?
Because he can’t handle the corners.
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I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.
It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.
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What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
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Why did the watermelon go crazy?
He lost his rind.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
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Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA..
And the car drives itself back to the dealership.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?
Because it refuses to ketchup.
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money?
He’s a little short.
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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
😄 😄 😄
Person 1: “Hey! I see a UFO up there in the sky take a picture now!”
Person 2: “Wait, I have to get the worst camera I have.”
😄 😄 😄
“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
😄 😄 😄
