Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus Christ, I’ve come here to save you.”
“Save me from what?”
“From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.”
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Yo daddy so drunk his blood type is beer.
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What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?
M’stard.
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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu, and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I’m starting to think they’re bad luck.
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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
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Dog: “Where are you going?”
Ant: “My step brother—the elephant—has met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.
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Have a fantastic day, weirdo!
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What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
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There was a certain knight who’d always endure all pains in battle. Guess what?
He was a Sir Vivor.
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John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed, “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40.”
John shakes his head again.
Friends: “So how old did you tell her you were exactly?”
John smiles and says, “85.”
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Why did the roofing company fire the roofer who went to the bathroom too often?
His waste factor was too high.
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Why did the donut visit the dentist?
He needed a chocolate filling.
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Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”
The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”
“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Yeah.”
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
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With great power comes a great electricity bill.
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A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
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