Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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Who invented King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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What do you call a camel with no hump on a Wednesday?
Humph-rey.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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Donut worry. Be happy!
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A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian stares at him for a while, then asks, “Who’s gonna bring it back?”
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?
He relished it.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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Guess what makes the moon so cold?
She’s always deflecting the sun’s rays!
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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Why did the toilet paper trip on the door mat?
It ran out.
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Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?
It’s a pastryarchy.
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Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.
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After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
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John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
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